Category Archives: News

Singer Paula Cole Rejoicing As Cowboys Finally Located

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6499465299_5e9fa81f46_bBoston, MA – The Observer is happy to learn that musician Paula Cole is on cloud nine today after her beloved cowboys were recently discovered to have relocated to the frontier of West Texas where they’ve owned and operated a dude ranch for the past 17 years.

The singer’s popular lament “Where Have All the Cowboys Gone” skewered the Billboard top 10 back in 1997 and subsequently earned her a Grammy. She has been criticized as being a “one-hit wonder” but in reality, she was simply too distraught over the cowboys’ disappearance to continue writing commercially-successful music:

“I will admit, i’ve been churning out audible drivel ever since ‘Cowboys’. The fire just wasn’t inside me anymore. I would look for inspiration in empty places…places that the cowboys used to be.”

When asked why they decided to desert Paula Cole and form a dude ranch, the cowboys remarked “Who is Paula Cole and why are you asking us these questions about her?? Leave us alone.”

The Observer is hoping that newfound closure will help Paula Cole turn the corner and start writing inspired music again. Meanwhile, the cowboys have filed restraining orders.

Beautiful Meadow A Killing Field For LandShark

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Don't be deceived by the tranquil appearance of this lovely meadow.

Don’t be deceived by the tranquil appearance of this lovely meadow.

Meadowlands, MN – We are standing at the spot of a LandShark attack.

Some call it the Bermuda Triangle of the North. Others simply call it the LandShark Lunchroom.

Is this for real or just another Facebook Folklore?

Dr. Scarlet Tanager says it is as real as real mayonnaise. “If you got fatally stung by a jellyfish, would that be real?” she asks.

Dr. Tanager, a leading LandShark expert, describes them as having the size of BigFoot, the personality of an African Killer Bee, and more teeth than a Denture Factory.

But why Minnesota? Dr. Tanager says it’s all about the element of surprise. “It would be similar to getting hit by a train, when you’re not even standing on railroad tracks.”

Because of the recent LandShark attacks, Minnesota children no longer go outdoors to play.

A common reason to stay inside is: “I want to play video games and update my Facebook page.” What they’re really saying is: “There’s no fricking way I am going to be an appetizer for a LandShark on the loose!”

leopard gecko pet

Family Held Hostage By Pet Leopard Gecko

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leopard gecko petWest Fargo, ND – The Taylors just wanted to get to a movie Saturday evening but ended up getting held hostage by their pet leopard gecko instead.

Friday night, the family leopard gecko got out of its cage somehow and had been lost in the house ever since.

The Taylors decided to have a family movie night and were all about to head out the door when there he suddenly was.  Bubbles, the families pet leopard gecko, was in the entryway.  He was motionless and staring at the entire family with an evil, blank stare.

Any effort a family member would make towards the door, the lizard would swiftly move and block their path thus trapping the family in the house.

The Taylors spent four entire days trapped inside their house as their pet lizard would not let them pass.

I asked why they didn’t just pick him up.

“Well, he tends to nip at your hands when you try and pick him up because he thinks your hand is food so that wasn’t an option.  He just sat there looking at us like he was going to hurt us.  We were frightened beyond belief.”

On day 4, the Taylors daughter remembered that she had a cellphone and called police.  West Fargo police sent out the SWAT team to the Taylors residence and were able to catch the lizard after a 10-hour standoff.

Nobody was injured.

Wishing On A Star Yields Better Results For The Rich

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When you wish upon a Star

When you wish upon a Star

Cambridge, MA – A new important study out of Harvard now solidly confirms what many have suspected for years. The common practice of “wishing on a star” seems to produce much more favorable outcomes for wealthier wishers.

Harvard research director, Dr. Ollie G. Arkin admits more research needs to be done to determine exactly why such a correlation exists, but notes, “It’s clear that money plays a major role here, we’re just not sure why.”

“An average person with a median income has about a 5% chance that their star wish will actually come true,” continues Arkin. “As the income level goes up, so does the probability of a positive outcome. For example, upper middle-class wishers enjoy about a 50% chance of success. Millionaires are looking at around 90% probability. Our data pretty much ends there as most billionaires we interviewed were unaware that wishing was an activity.”

On the flip side, a person earning minimum wage in the U.S. faces a staggering 0.008% chance of having their wish granted. And, according to the study, if you make less than minimum wage, wishing on a star is considered “a total waste of time, other than for entertainment purposes.”

Funny Looking Man Finds Bar Of Gold In Red River

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Discovery could lead to Gold Frenzy.

Discovery could lead to Gold Frenzy.

Fargo, ND – A funny looking man named Sid Bingsted found a large bar of gold on the banks of the Red River near Fargo, ND.

Mister Bingsted believes that it could be worth a lot of money based upon its girth-size.

He reflected, “Yah, I tell ya what, I found it just sittin’ down there by the river, don’t-cha-know? We was both sittin’ down there half-covered in mud!”

Buzz Redling has been investigating this golden story. Buzz says authorities secretly fear a mass influx of people from Williston coming down to the Fargo-Moorhead area if this story ever gets out.

Buzz confides: “My wife thinks this bar of gold deal could really cause a serious Gold Frenzy, not unlike the one back in ’88. And I tend to agree with my wife on this one.”

Police don’t know what to think of it. Where did the gold bar come from? How could they ever figure out who it belonged to? What to do next?

In the meantime, lucky Mister Bingsted is trying to decide what to do with his solid gold bar.

Friends are telling him to cash it in and buy a nice new bike.

But Sid has other ideas: “Yah, I might just go and hide it in the mud down by the river like I did last time, while I maybe go and look for another one!”

Area Dog Launches Search Party For Own Tail

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tailFargo, ND—An area dog, name of Chip, has exhausted all independent efforts to obtain a long, thin appendage that was thought to have been located somewhere near the back side of his body.

Collective efforts are being made to help Chip locate this estranged body part believed to be his tail. Local police have put out an APB on Chip’s tail while he and his owner are conducting an independent search party comprised of some of Chip’s favorite stuffed animals. “He’s never been able to catch it. Now, i’m afraid he’s lost it completely,” said Chip’s owner, Greg.

Neighborhood dogs can be heard voicing their concerns over the disappearance of Chip’s tail during obnoxious late-night barking marathons.

We will continue to update this article as developments in the case are made but for now, let’s sit back & watch Chip chase his tail.

Area Man Sleepwalks Fargo Marathon

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2.sleepwalkingFargo, ND—The annual Fargo Marathon was greeted with an unlikely participant this year as one area man haphazardly decided to not run, not jog, not walk but sleepwalk a portion of the route. Packy Backmelt, an apparent victim of sleepwalking, awoke to cheers as he zombie-walked his way past the finish line this morning. This made the Observer wonder: how did this happen?

Sleepwalkers tend to roam around in a half-conscious-unconscious state, able to manipulate doorknobs and bounce off of walls and house pets. When questioned, Packy had no recollection of the events leading up to his crossing the finish line. What he can confirm is that his house resides on one of the streets that comprised the marathon route. The Observer was forced to investigate.

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Runners were polite enough not to interfere with Packy’s adventure.

What we found out was this: since Backmelt works the graveyard shift, he returned home from work promptly at 6:00am only to be greeted with pooling crowds and road closures. He was forced to park a couple blocks west of his home. The extended walk to his front door made him more disoriented than usual, causing him forget to lock his front door (as he normally does to prevent precisely this type of incident).

A couple hours after falling asleep, Packy rose from the dead and sleepwalked his way outside with relative ease. He wandered onto the street, blending in with marathon runners and other passers-by, bouncing around jauntily only to cross the finish line a half an hour later.

Marathon officials stated that this unsanctioned participant “hilariously snuck his way into the race, unbeknownst to both us and spectators alike” but they will not be charging him with race interference.

 

Fargo Landfill To Be Permanently Closed

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Local trash heap becomes treasure trove of valuable ancient artifacts.

Fargo, ND – The Fargo Landfill is being shut down – closed for the foreseeable future. It is now officially going to be considered a historical site due to some recent important findings.

An undocumented landfill worker inadvertently discovered some unusual looking arrowheads while working the dump. These arrowheads have turned out to be quite significant, to say the least.

Renowned British archaeologists Dale and Connie Rosenkrantz say these arrowheads are now the oldest ones ever discovered on this planet.

“These arrowheads are older than the ancient bone arrowheads found in the Sibudu Cave down in South Africa!”, Dale Rosenkrantz excitedly explained to us, while taking a nip of whiskey to calm his nerves. “The Sibudu relics were carbon-dated to be about 77,000 years old. These newly discovered ones in the Fargo Landfill are even older than that!”

All this good news for archaeologists is bad news for Fargo City officials who must now try to quickly come up with a new location for all future garbage dumping.

Possible alternative locations will be discussed at the next City Commission meetings. “All options are on the table”, confided an anonymous high-ranking city official. “North of North Fargo, South of South Fargo, the Osgood area, these are all being looked at as viable options. We might even have to haul our garbage over to Moorhead, since they have a lot of unused space.”

Area Man Stares In Bewilderment At Printed Newspaper

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Reading A Newspaper By A WallBirmingham, AL—College Freshman Adam Callows, 19, stood there in a state of confusion yesterday as a gust of wind blew the front page of a printed news publication onto his left leg. “What the…?” he exclaimed as he bent over to pick up this strange conglomeration of words and graphics that clearly did not exist on his mobile device.

“News…on paper?” he said to himself, quizzically. Callows seemed utterly mystified at the presence of this ink-on-paper media source. “Who would waste their time…do they give these away?? I’ve always wondered where uncle Ted got all that Christmas wrapping paper with the words and pictures on it. Apparently, he was using a ‘news paper’ to conceal the identity of our gifts.”

Callows muddled over the useless piece of paper for another few seconds before tossing it in a nearby trashcan.