Category Archives: News

Sanford Hospital To Provide Free Valentine’s Day Heart Transplants

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Funny-pictures-baboon-butt-heartFargo, ND—A local hospital is taking a heartfelt initiative this Valentine’s Day. Starting at noon, the first 100 customers through the door at Sanford Health in downtown Fargo will receive a no-cost heart transplant.

“If you’re hopelessly alone on Valentine’s Day, chances are you have a broken heart and for that, we have a solution,” said Sanford President Kenneth Noisewater. “Due to a shipping error, our hospital is the proud, unfortunate owner of 22 crates of glistening baboon hearts.”

Noisewater mentioned that sufferers of heartbreak need to act fast as this is a very limited-time offer: “The first 100 victims of Valentine’s Day sadness will earn themselves a new ticker. Don’t wait! Surgeons are standing by!”

The Observer recommends you clutch your loved one tight this evening or you, too could be waiting in line for a set of monkey ventricles.

EPA Lifts Ban On Tire Fires to Combat Winter

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have a tire fire with your friends!

Have a tire fire with your friends!

Washington, DC—As yet another ice storm decimates the south with a torrential downpour of frozen goodness, local governments there are declaring a state of emergency. States like Georgia and North Carolina have deemed their roads undriveable and air travel impossible as this new winter storm wreaks havoc.

Having had enough of snowfall and winter in general, our federal government is ready to take drastic measures to fight this ongoing issue. As of this morning, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) is lifting the ban on tire fires and other environmentally hazardous burning.

This announcement comes in response to the 12 deaths and over 4,000 canceled flights caused by another winter storm south of the Mason-Dixon line. Enough is enough.

Athfepglobalgrilling“It’s time to raise the air temperature by any means necessary,” declared EPA Administrator Gina McCarthy. “We will not stand idly by as United States citizens continue to perish.”

The EPA is prepared to forgo the need for an ozone in an effort to end this year’s increasingly long winter season. “Burn all of your garbage, especially tires. Let’s scorch the sky. We want it so hot outside that it melts the shingles right off your house and starts your sunglasses on fire.”

The Observer expected to see an outpouring of rage from local environmentalists, but so far there has been no disagreement with this new EPA initiative. Everybody wants Old Man Winter to back off, man, they’re just sick of him.

All-Candy Diet Promoted By Candy Companies

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In CandyLand, you can eat all the candy you want.

Kandiyohi County, MN – A prestigious group of some of the top candy companies in the world are encouraging people to go on an all-candy diet.

A large consortium of candy companies called the CandyLand Group (which includes: Mars, Nestle, Hersey, Russell Stover, Tootsie Roll, Jelly Bellies, DeMets, Pez, and Fannie May) held their latest Candy Conference in Kandiyohi County.

At the Candy Conference, they made public a new scientific study which happened to be funded by the CandyLand Group.

The study showed that participants who ate an all-candy diet were amazingly smarter, much happier, and surprisingly healthier than their placebo counter-parts who ate a strict non-candy diet of anonymous foods that were all pureed together in a blender.

Top representatives from each company all agreed that eating an all-candy diet is simply giving the body more of what it needs to function in this fast-paced 21st century.

“Gone are the days of eating an apple a day to keep away the doctor” says Carmel Sweetooth of the CandyLand Group. “Fruits and vegetables can now be replaced by Smarties, Milk Duds, Skittles, and Gummi Bears.”

When asked if the CandyLand Group study was possibly biased towards trying to sell more candy, Ms. Sweetooth snapped that our question had an anti-candy bias and was therefore an unacceptable question, as she popped a Junior Mint into her mouth before storming off to CandyLand.

Man Responsible For Olympic Ring Mishap Found Dead In Sochi

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olympic rings Sochi, Russia – The man responsible for operating the Olympic rings during this years Winter Olympic Opening Ceremonies in Russia was found dead in his run down hotel room yesterday.

The Daily Currant has reported that T. Borris Avdeyev was found in his hotel room early this morning with multiple stab wounds.

So far it is being investigated as an ‘accident’.  However, people around the world are starting to question if it really was just an accident or if it was Vladimir Putin himself snuffing out the problem..

The local news paper was able to get a hold of Putin himself after he was finished with his daily afternoon greco roman wrestling matches with his buddies.

After taking his halo from his head and putting it down beside him, Vladimir simply stated, “Vodka.  Do you want?”

That was it.  He took a swag of some Vodka and then went back to his greco roman wrestling matches with his friends.

Although highly suspectful, we believe Mr Avdeyev did indeed slip and fall on some knives.

If there are any new details to this story we will sure report them.

Cow

Man Sentenced To 75 Years In Prison For Stealing Neighbors Cow

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CowMaza, ND – A man was sentenced to 75 years in prison this past Wednesday for stealing his neighbors cow.

Jim Benson, a local dairy farmer (whom Bill Burns worked for before joining the FM Observer), was arrested last week and charged with theft of property.

The property?  A cow.

Cops state that Mr. Benson dressed as a cow, “pranced” over to his neighbors cow barn late at night and stole their most milk producing cow, Betty.

Mr. Benson stated that he just needed some milk and that was all.  He will be eligible for parole in 10 years.

When asked if it was worth it he said, “Absolutely not. I should have just gone to the store for milk.”

Walmart Polling Station Election 2012

Walmart to Stop Selling Soda

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walmart

Soda fans line up for one last pull

Birmingham, AL—In response to CVS’s announcement that they will discontinue the sale of tobacco products at its 7,600 locations across the USA, Walmart has proudly announced that they are pulling an incredibly harmful substance from their shelves as well. Walmart will stop selling soda, effective immediately.

Retail is and has always been a copycat industry. When one company makes a savvy maneuver, another company is sure to follow suit.

“Studies have proven that the sugars and other chemicals found in soda have been and continue to be very, very harmful to the body. That is why we’ve decided to pull it from our shelves.” said company C.E.O. Jonathan Walmart, in a statement made earlier today. “There’s still plenty of damn fine carbonated beverages available to our consumers, like Sparkling ICE and what not.”

When asked about the financial implications, Jonathan Walmart said simply “Make no mistake; we’ll take a financial hit from this, but it isn’t like we’re going to go out of business or anything. Probably just have to lower our employees’ wages even further in order to keep our prices where they are.”

The Observer sees this as not a health-conscious maneuver, but yet another shameful, backhanded swipe at employee compensation.

PepsiCo C.E.O. Alexander Pepsi could not be reached for comment.

City Waives Alcohol Compliance Fine Because Servers Weren’t Taught How to Use Calculators

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06.2.gifFargo, ND—After serving booze to a minor, Santa Lucia restaurant in south Fargo was hit with a fine as punishment for failing their random alcohol compliance check. The restaurant’s owner disputed the fine, saying that both servers who examined the ID of the patron were never taught how to use calculators during county-mandated server training class. Because if you can’t use a calculator, you can’t properly determine someone’s age.

The city of Fargo agrees. Today, city commission members voted to repeal the fine due to negligence on the part of server training staff.

“Failure to show these college-educated humans how to utilize an electronic device to make routine subtractions resulted in their inability to perform simple arithmetic in a real-life situation,” commission member Jonathan Noisewater stated. “It is obviously the responsibility of a simple government-mandated training seminar to properly educate service staff how to complete grade-school-level mathematical computations.”

Santa Lucia is set to resume incorrect mathematics as early as this week.

Super Bowl Pizzas Delivered By Drones

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Pizza delivery via drone

Domino, Texas – If you didn’t already want to order a pizza today for the Super Bowl, you might want to just for the experience of drone delivery.

All across the nation, Domino’s Pizzas will be delivered by their new Domicopters, which were recently tested in the UK. “People here bloody loved it!” said Max Tunage, a virtual nobody with whom we spoke.

As soon as your pizza is done cooking, you will be sent a text message informing you that your pizza is en route to your front door and will be there within seconds.

If you’re not standing outside to personally receive the delivery, your phone will ring indicating that your pizza has arrived and is sitting in the middle of the street.

Domino’s Pizza expects to deliver 110000000 pizzas on Super Bowl Sunday, and they honestly don’t know how many zeros are after the eleven. Call now to pre-order your drone delivery!

Doug’s Doggy Diner to Open In Fargo

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_44663815_dogs_getty_466Fargo, ND—Two things we know are true about man’s best friend: they love to eat and they love to act like people. Have you ever noticed how much fun Rover has riding in the car? Sleeping in your bed? Sitting on your furniture? Spot may not say it out loud, but he desperately wants to participate in all of your human activities—especially eating at the table.

That is just some of the motivation Doug Drangle used when launching his new pup eatery, Doug’s Doggy Diner:

“We set out to combine two of the things dogs enjoy: eating and acting like a person,” said Doug. “At Doug’s, dogs get to take in the human experience of dining among other animals of the same species in an intimate setting.”

Doug’s is working in conjunction with many of the top dog food manufacturers to provide your pup the food it loves, but with a twist.

Check out some of Doug’s exciting canine-themed menu items:

  • IAMS® A-La-Carte – $7.50. Straight-up IAMS®, served in 1 cup portions.
  • Bites of Kibble – $8.25. Kibbles & Bits®, served as an appetizer.
  • Beggin’ New York Strips – $14.75. A handful of Beggin’ Strips®, converted into a 3-ounce “steak”.
  • Blue Buffalo® Burger – $9.95. Blue Buffalo® all-natural dog food, mashed together into a burger patty.
Another satisfied customer!

Another satisfied customer!

Every menu item comes with a dead tree leaves side salad. Bowl of tap water is complimentary.

Doug’s Doggy Diner will renovate and move in to the former Taco Bell building on 10th Street and 1st Avenue North in Fargo. Doug can’t wait to start slingin’ grub for dogs:

“All dogs are welcome to come enjoy this exclusive dining experience. Our ever-expanding menu is sure to please pups of all sizes. Walk right in, sit right down, pee wherever. Get territorial! It’s OK. Our service staff will clean it up!”

Eat, drink, bark your head off and crap on the floor at Doug’s Doggy Diner!

Maui Parrot-Fish Learns To Speak Fluent Underwater English

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Hello. Will you be my friend? Pardon my fishy smell. Want to play with me?

Hello. Will you be my friend? Pardon my fishy smell. Want to play with me?

Maui, Hawaii – Everyone told him it couldn’t be done. No, you can’t train a parrot-fish to speak English, you silly boy! That’s when he wished that someday he could prove them all wrong.

Twelve year old Koka Pakalolo had always dreamed of having a fish that he could talk to, but all he ever heard was that it was just a pipe dream.

Growing up on Maui, Koka had swum with fish since he was baptized. He didn’t know that fish could not speak. Koka Pakalolo just assumed that everything could talk.

One day while snorkeling with his favorite parrot-fish, Koka’s wish came true. His dream became reality when the parrot-fish bubbled into his ear: “Hello! What’s your name?” Koka simply responded: “My name is Koka Pakalolo.”