Category Archives: Sports

BREAKING: Vikings Trade Away Six Draft Picks To Keep Adrian Peterson

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Minneapolis, MN—I believe the old saying goes, “In with the new, in with the old.” That’s the mantra around Minnesota Vikings football team headquarters these days as newly-acquired head coach Mike Zimmer is employing some old tricks that long-time fans of the Purple have seen before.

As reported by Matt Drangle of the Minneapolis Sun-Times, the Vikings have traded away their 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th-round 2014 draft picks for the rights to keep star running back Adrian Peterson. This leaves them with only 6th and 7th-round picks.

“When you’re carrying a loaded magnum with six bullets, what are you gonna do? NOT fire the gun?” quoted coach Zimmer. “We spoke to the league. They agreed that there’s nothing in the NFL Book of Bylaws that says you can’t have an NFL draft fire sale every 20 years or so. This will keep our offense on the right track and save us a ton of cap space by not having to ink a fleet of unproven rookies.”

Coach went on to explain that draft picks are just numbers, they’re not even players and that trading away numbers for an actual player was good strategy. Coach’s strategy is particularly baffling as the player in question is currently under contract. At press time it is not certain where the traded-away draft picks will end up, but it sounds likely that they will be donated to a local non-profit organization.

Not since 1989 have the Purple traded away a heavy handful of draft picks for a mega-talent. It appears coach Zimmer abides by another old saying: “When in Rome, do as the Romans do.”

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Only Five Days Until NFL Draft Speculation Finally Ends

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photo-mel-kiper-2011-mock-draft-on-this-siteNew York, NY–A little over 5 days ’til NFL draft talking heads shut up for another year, the Observer has learned. At long last, Mel Kiper’s perfect hair and Todd McShay’s boyish charm are slated to expire at the final culmination of this year’s NFL Draft which takes place May 8th, 9th and 10th.

If you listen carefully during an NFL Live telecast, you can hear area sports fans letting out a massive, collective sigh of frustration as Kiper and McShay break down the first round of the Draft for like the 80th fucking time this week.

Seismologists predict that the moans and groans emitted from SportsCenter viewers across the nation could result in a minor earthquake between now and the end of draft weekend. That being said, Geologists are recommending you stay inside and completely ignore the incessant spouting of pundits until at least next Monday.

Are NFL Draft Hopefuls Tanking To Avoid Being Drafted By The Browns? An FM Observer Investigative Report

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A history of unlucky players (taken from Wikipedia)

An unfortunate history of unlucky players (via Wikipedia)

Cleveland, OH—An FM Observer investigative report concludes without a doubt that a number of surefire first-round NFL draft picks have been under-performing for scouts at the combine and during private team workouts in an effort to reduce the likelihood that the Cleveland Browns football team will pick them with the #4 overall selection.

The Observer spoke candidly with a number of potential top-10 recruits who all seemed to reflect a similar distaste for the Browns franchise.

“If you look at it, this is Cleveland’s 7th top-ten pick since 2004. They haven’t been getting any better as a result. Just between you and me…I don’t want any part of it. A couple million bucks is worth falling from 4 to 6 if it means not playing for them,” said first-round hopeful Johnny Manziel. “Could I make the team better? Maybe I could, up until they cut me. Let’s face it–we all know the Browns aren’t winning any Super Bowls. Not in this lifetime.”

QBsBlake Bortles, who is projected to go in the top 10, sat uncomfortably as we talked about the possibility of him being taken #4 overall. “I think I’m top-five material, but man, when Cleveland brought me in for a workout…I…I really stunk it up. I threw with my left arm instead of my right in hopes that they wouldn’t like me. I also guessed randomly on the Wonderlic. That should throw them off my trail. Damn…being a top-five prospect is scary. The risk outweighs the reward. Big time.”

A.J. McCarron cut right to the chase during his sit-down interview. “Signing a 4-year contract with Cleveland is every player’s worst nightmare,” he said. “I lay awake at night, sweating, biting my nails, fearfully imagining what life would be like as a Brown. Sure, there’s money, but you…you’re a Brown. It’s a death sentence. Yay! Every Sunday I get to suit up in that ugly uniform, take a cold-weather beating, then explain to the media what went wrong. No thank you.”

Average Basketball League

Fargo To Introduce New Basketball League

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Average Basketball League

Fargo, ND – A new basketball league is being introduced for the first time in Fargo, North Dakota.

Fargo, North Dakota is going to roll out for the first time, a second basketball league said to compete with the NBA.

The ABL or Average Basketball League, is catered to average size people.  Nobody taller than 6’3 is allowed in the league.  The basketball hoop will be lowered a whole 3 feet which would bring it to a normal height of 7 feet total.  The basketball will be smaller.  Much smaller.  About the size of a softball in fact.  This way, everyone can get a good nice grip which they can slam home.

The rollout is expected to begin October 2015.  Teams will begin recruiting as early as this summer.  For the first season, 12 teams are expected to play.  As many as 2 -6 new teams may be added by 2016.  Some teams include the L.A Smells, Fargo Cold, and the Denver What Was I Just Doings.

Please contact the ABL if you are interested in playing in this new and exciting league for average sized people!

Fargo Group Making Serious Run At Perfect March Madness Bracket

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officesetup

Bracket Central

Fargo, ND—Basketball fans have been guessing the March Madness tournament for decades. Every year, it seems, contestant stakes have been getting higher and higher. Cash prizes as well as bragging rights are among the available rewards for having the most accurate prediction.

The odds of you picking every single game correctly are roughly four trillion to one. Local March Madman Ryan Noisewater wants badly to destroy these odds. He’s crafted a master plan to win.

Hours before all the bracket challenges went live we spoke with Ryan to find out just what it takes to nail the perfect bracket.

“My hand-picked Bracket Posse spent the winter creating throw-away email accounts that can be used multiple times for any and every bracket challenge on the planet,” Ryan says. “We’re armed with two computers per guy–one ergonomic mouse for each arm and each machine has multiple monitors and replacement hardware on-site in case of computer malfunction. We run equipped with eighteen crates of Mountain Dew, prepaid masseuses, bedpans, and very limited basketball knowledge. We are ready.”

Ryan says he’s taken every factor into account during clinical trials he and his crew ran during the NCAA offseason. “We experimented with bracket completion possibility throughput via time-tested computer algorithms; how many left-clicks one hand can complete in a given second and how many seconds it takes to open an account and complete a bracket,” he explained. “This is how we’re cramming as many brackets as humanly possible into the system. I’ve also developed a simple equation in which you memorize a sequence of numbers (according to seed) and pick your teams in such a way that none of the brackets my team generates in the time allotted will be the same. One guy works with this set of numbers, the other guy works with that set of numbers. One of our brackets is bound to hit.”

By now, Ryan and his bracket posse should be hard at work clicking numbers and sucking down Dew in an effort to claim their trophy.

Blind Bowler Bowls Back-To-Back Perfect Games

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After he bowled a perfect 300 game, he went ahead and did it again!

Fargo, ND – You would have had to see it to believe it. Mr. Walter Lane of rural North Dakota bowled two perfect games in a row after entering a tournament on a dare.

His wife of fifty years, Edna Lane, dared him on a whim, to enter an upcoming bowling tournament “just for the heck of it”.

Of course neither Walter nor Edna expected much from it because Walter has been legally blind ever since Edna dared him to stare at the sun some years back. About that, Walter explains: “Well, I s’pose I shouldn’t have done it, but after she dared me, I went ahead and did it anyways. Wasn’t too smart, I guess.”

In spite of being blind, Walter somehow put together two perfect games of bowling. Bowling alley manager and retired bowling professsional Jim St. John recounts: “After throwing 12 straight strikes for the first 300 game, Walter proceeded to do the exact same thing again for his second perfect game. I could not believe my eyes!”

Asked what he plans on trying next, Walter responded: “I think we’ll give trap shooting a go, don’t cha know.”

Professional Hockey Game Ends In Tie

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pat-lafontaine

Bummer.

Edmonton, Alberta—A professional sporting event sadly ended in a tie, the Observer has learned. The Edmonton Oilers hosted Calgary Flames in a National Hockey League matchup last Saturday that unfortunately finished with a 0-0 score. Both teams took the ice for no reason.

The Flames rode their team charter bus all the way to Edmonton only for it not to matter. The game ended after three whole 20-minute periods, an overtime period and a shootout in which zero, count ’em, ZERO goals were scored. Buzzkill.

The finish to this colossal misuse of time was met with shrugs and eye-rolls from many fans and players in attendance. Calgary defenseman Pierre Svodba had his thoughts:

“I always love riding cramped in the back of a bus for 3 hours, especially when it’s for no good reason at all,” he remarked, frustrated. “A tie in sports is just ridiculous, eh? It’s like two guys winning the lottery but getting none of the money. It’s like sharing a bed with your sister. It’s like meeting the girl of your dreams, but she’s an alien freakazoid who lives on Mars. It’s like having sex but ejaculating into the garbage. A total waste.”

Minnesota Twins preview: Ron Gardenhire promises 2014 season

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RonFort Myers, FL – With Major League Baseball spring training officially underway in Fort Myers, media people went belly up to the podium for a little preseason insight from Minnesota Twins skipper Ron Gardenhire.

Gardy, candid as always, indicated that the squad probably won’t deviate from last year’s ways and that he expects another performance in 2014.

Taken from an amusing February 27th press conference:

Reporter 1: What are your expectations for this year’s squad, performance-wise?

Gardy: Performance wise…sounds like a tire model. Goodyear PerformanceWise (laughs). You know, we’ll play our butts off at Target but those long, arduous road trips really take a lot out of you. Our guys will suit up, hit balls, catch and throw ’em. That’s about the long and the short of it.

Reporter 2: Ron, how is (Joe) Mauer transitioning to his new full-time role at first base?

Gardy: Morneau is swinging a lead bat. Looks like he’s put on a little bit of weight, but I could be wrong. I think he’s waiting for the All-Star break.

Reporter 2: Excuse me, Morneau? Surely you meant to say Mauer…

Gardy: What? What did I say? Morneau, Mauer…um…ha ha. I guess we traded Morneau last year, so you’ll have to ask his new team that question. I’m Ron Gardenhire.

Reporter 3: Any news on the starting pitching rotation? How close are we to finding our ace?

Gardy: Our ace? Ah…. (long pause) you know what? We traded Spansy (Denard Span) for a triple-A guy a couple years back. Maybe him. Is Liriano still hurt? Pretty sure Pavano retired… uh…that’s a toughie. Better ask Rick (pitching coach Rick Anderson) that one.

Reporter 3: Has the acquisition of Phil Hughes significantly bolstered your starting rotation?

Gardy: Phil is a drinker, so he knows how to unwind after getting pummeled on the mound. He’ll be ok, unless he slips and falls on his bum-bum.

Reporter 4: Ron, has the team chosen a closing pitcher to come out of the bullpen?

Gardy: Nope.

Reporter 4: No?

Gardy: Nope. We got a ton of bullpen guys. We like to mix it up to throw the other team off. If one guy emerges as a decent closer, he’ll probably keep the job….but better ask Rick to be sure. 

Reporter 5: You’re about to achieve win # 1,000 this year. What does that mean to you?

Gardy: Is that right? Minnesota: Land of 1,000 wins, ha ha. Ah I dunno. It feels good to watch our guys play, and when you get a W out of it, feels even better as you lay down at night for sleepin’. Ok, one more question then I have to go get my noggin fitted for hats.

Reporter 6: Does your contract extension put the team’s 2014 performance under heavier scrutiny?

Gardy: Contracts are just paper. That’s all they are. Paper is made from trees grown in Africa somewhere and then the contract is printed on there. Probably gets scanned into a computer after I sign it, you know, so they don’t lose it. I don’t know much about computers, so…

stoner bowl 2014

5 Things To Do Instead of Watch Super Bowl XLVIII

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stoner bowl 2014

 

Most likely everyone you know will be watching The Stoner Bowl 2014.  However, you hate football and have no interest in watching grown adults wrastle each other over cow skin.  Here are 5 simple things you can do instead of watch the game.

 

1. Give Yourself Money

Go and find all the money in your house.  Give it to yourself over and over again until the game is over.

 

2. Find Jesus

This will keep you busy for years.  You probably won’t find him in 4 hours but don’t give up!  Keep looking!

 

3. Drink To Pass Out

Don’t drink to get a buzz.  Drink to pass out.  Drink a ton of alcohol and pass out for hours.  By the time you wake up, the game will be over.

 

4. Literally smoke a Super Bowl.

Smoke a huge super bowl by yourself.  Go downstairs or anywhere that is far away from everyone watching the game, put some headphones on and listen to classical music for 4 hours straight.

 

5.  Knock Yourself Out

If all 4 of the above ideas don’t work, knock yourself out.  Find the hardest object you have laying around the house and hit yourself over the head until you pass out. When you wake up, game ova.

New Events Being Added To Winter Olympics

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One new Olympic event is the Doughnut Eating Contest!

Sochi, Russia – Olympics officials have announced some new and exciting events that will make their international debut at the Sochi Winter Olympic Games.

SnowCat Fights: Women from opposing countries try to run each other over while driving treaded snowcat mountain machines.

Vertical Toboggan Run: An exciting 100-foot vertical drop straight down in a small wooden toboggan. Watch out at the bottom!

Avalanche Survival Test Event: Team competition that awards one point for each team member who survives a real-life avalanche. 

King of the Hill: This one is pretty self-explanatory. Whoever can stand at the top of the giant snowpile for a full ten seconds is declared the winner.

Team/Individual Snowball Fights: This is a high-speed cross between DodgeBall and PaintBall except it is played with snowballs, none of which can be pre-made.

Donkey Kong Races: Multi-faceted racing event in which participants are blind-folded, covered with a gunny sack, and then spun in circles, just before the start gun.

Penguin Shooting Contest: Just imagine skiing to the next shooting location, drinking a shot of vodka, shooting real penguins, and then repeating this over and over.

Snowman Build & Destroy Event: Another team event which should really be a crowd favorite!

Snow Angels: Individual competition but held in two different categories – Gay and Straight.

Ice Skate Throwing: With such sharp blades, this one can get bloody dangerous, as the Brits would say.

Find the Black Widow Suicide Bomber: This is a special team event for the Sochi Olympic security staff.