Coach Bohl To Become Pastor Bohl

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The mountains are calling me.

Fargo, ND – The spiritual leader of the champion NDSU Bison is about to trade in his coaching cap for a clerical collar. Coach Craig Bohl has announced he will be packing his bags and moving to Wyoming. He will become the head pastor at Harmony Lutheran Church in Lusk, Wyoming.

The FM Observer asked: “Whyoming?” Pastor Bohl calmly answered: “Because that is where I have been called to serve my higher power. Not to mention, that I have always loved the mountains.”

As the most successful coach in NDSU history, Harmony Lutheran Church can expect that Pastor Bohl will be their most successful minister ever. Church committee members there said they really liked his God-given ability to recruit new church members and bring out the best of everyone’s talents in their church community.

Mr. Jonas Bagley, who headed up their search committee, said that during his interview, Pastor Bohl’s ability to motivationally speak to their hearts about doing the Lord’s work in Wyoming really put him head and shoulders above all the rest of the candidates.

Church treasurer Ms. Connie Francis said she is very excited about what Pastor Bohl’s influence will be upon their upcoming stewardship drive. Their goal is to raise $1.5 million to build a new Sunday School Center and also help translate all their current teaching materials into Spanish.

Jeana marie smart

Jeana Marie Smart Speaks Out

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Jeana marie smart

I was dressed as a pumpkin.

Fargo, ND – Jeana Marie Smart, a Horace woman, was recently charged with felony drug possession for having a broken meth pipe in her vagina.

The story is so bizarre we had to get an interview and an explanation.  There are always two sides to a story so today I had the chance to speak with Jeana in her jail cell.

You may see my interview in its entirety below.

 

 

 

Bill:  Jeana, first, how is your vagina doing?

Jeana:  It’s doing great.  I wiped the blood up and gave it a good wash.  Really got in there this time.

Bill:  So no more pieces of meth pipe in the vag?

Jeana:  None.  At least I think I got all of it.

Bill:  So, everyone wants to know.  Why did you have a broken meth pipe hidden in your piss flaps?

Jeana:  Well the funny thing is, on Halloween, I dressed as a pumpkin on meth.  You can tell by my hair.  I was at a party and you know how those go.  Next thing you know I have a meth pipe in my meat wallet.  I got so drunk that night that I TOTALLY FORGOT about it.  That is, until the police found it.

Bill:  Did you say you’re sorry to your muff?  It must have been quite a traumatic experience for it, don’t you think?

Jeana:  Oh yea.  I’ve apologized over and over again to it.  It’s still ignoring me a little bit but it’s opening up to me slowly.  I just need to give it time.

Bill:  Alright Jeana.  Thank you so much for you time.  Just my advice but try not to stick anything else up there ok?  It needs it’s space.

 

So there you go.  I was able to answer all your questions.  This story is no longer a mystery.  Somehow a meth pipe got put into her vagina on Halloween and she simply forgot about it.  Her defense is most likely to use this story.

OBAMACAR: If You Like Your Car, You Can Keep Your Car

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Under ObamaCar, you can keep your current car, if you like it

Under ObamaCar, you can keep your current car, if you like it…period!

Warshington, DC – President Obama’s new Affordable Car Act (or as many affectionately call it: ‘ObamaCar’) was secretly rammed through Congress by Democrats in the middle of the night, while unsuspecting Republicans were asleep at the wheel.

Then, to sell the flawed plan to the American people, President Obama repeatedly told cheering hand-picked crowds in all the blue states:

“If you like your car, you can keep your car…period!”

“You and your family, yawl can keep your car, if you like it!”

“I guarantee that if you like your car dealership, and you like your car, you will be able to keep them!”

Unfortunately, it is not playing out this way.

Under ObamaCar, millions of Americans who thought that they would be able to keep their cars, are now losing them.

With the ever-expanding government now taking control of all car dealerships, and mandating that Americans purchase a government-approved ObamaCar, automobile prices are now starting to sky rocket (just as Senator Cruz predicted).

Plus, a new round of taxes will kick in right after the elections to help pay for part of the giant new bureaucracy that is being created to run it all.

The Automobile Device Tax will significantly raise taxes on the Middle Class to pay for free ObamaCars to be given to all undocumented Democrats.

You have until the end of February to get rid of your unapproved car and purchase an ObamaCar, or the IRS will be scheduling you and all your relatives for full audits.

President Obama has personally hired an army of ObamaCar Navigators who are paid well to teach you how to “beat the system”. Many of these Navigators are convicted felons. Some of them will soon be getting out of prison and would love to visit your home and get to know you.

To sign up for ObamaCar, you can either use the handy-dandy website: ObamaCar.gov (which is not ready yet), or call a helpful ObamaCar Navigator via the toll-free number: 1-800-SCREW-YOU.

Snoopy Banned From Parade For Using Inhalants

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Snoopy be bad doggy!

Snoopy be bad doggy!

New York, New York – America’s most loved mutt has been banned from the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Snoopy has tested positive for using inhalants.

Authorities first suspected the mongrel of inhalant usage after noticing slurred speech, a general dazed appearance, unusual hostility toward others, and rashes around his mouth and nose.

“We are very disappointed in this unfortunate development”, said Webb Eubanks who is essentially the Executive Director for the Big Parade. “In fact, we are disappointed to the point of disbelief.”

Top parade officials admitted that Snoopy was the last celebrity character that they would have thought would use inhalants. SpongeBob, Kermit, or The Smurfs have all had problems with inhalant usage in the past, but they all tested negative.

The investigation is on-going. Charlie Brown’s home is being searched for signs of inhalants since he is the owner of the dog. Linus and Lucy may be included, as they have each gone through detox within the past year.

In an effort to deter youngsters from using inhalants, it should be noted that one of the possible long-term effects from using inhalants is: death.

LEAKED: New University of North Dakota Team Logo/Nickname

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University of North Dakota Fighting Sperm Whales

University of North Dakota Fighting Sperm Whales

Grand Forks, ND—Sources have confirmed the existence of a newly revamped UND sports team jersey! This photo, leaked by an insider at the University of North Dakota, shows a rough depiction of a team hockey jersey embroidered with the word SPERM and what appears to be a giant sperm whale.

Team executives have been working in conjunction with the NCAA to implement a new, contemporary, non-offensive nickname for the University. It looks like they’ve hit a home run here.

While this leaves virtually nothing to the imagination, we still have to speculate whether or not the next UND team nickname will be the Fighting Sperm Whales. All things considered, the whale species pictured is definitely a sperm whale, and the lettering above the whale is absolutely S-P-E-R-M.

This being said, sports team broadcast announcers are said to be working feverishly on new in-game catch phrases:

  • “Sperm slam it home!”
  • “That’s a whale of sperm!”
  • “Spermtastic!”
  • “Sperm gonna getcha!”
  • “When a man and a woman love each other very much…”
  • “Sperm found the egg! It’s all over!”

Locals are excited to finally have a nickname for their beloved team.

UND hockey fan Sandra Crabapple:

“Sperm whales? Cool! That’s not offensive or gross at all.”

UND football fan Terry Noisewater:

“I can’t wait to yell about sperm during games!”

While there is no timetable for the return of a team nickname and logo, this new evidence suggests we will be screaming the name of the mighty sperm whale sooner rather than later.

West Fargo Teacher Stung By A Sting Operation

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Sting Stang Stung

Sting Stang Stung

West Fargo, ND –  A young teacher at the West Fargo High Skool named Gordon Summers (age 32), was allegedly, the subject of a school-girl fantasy. She wanted him, so badly, and she knew what she wanted to be. Inside her, there was so much longing, and this girl was an open page. The problem is, that the girl, (let’s call her Lolita), was only half his age (16).

Mr. Summers, after noticing her nearness, initially tried to maintain a professional distance from Miss Lolita by repeating to her: “Please, don’t stand so, don’t stand so close to me.”

For good reason, her friends became quite jealous, you know how bad girls can get. Sometimes, it’s not so easy, to be the teacher’s pet.

Temptation coupled with frustration got so bad, that it made him almost cry. Then, while she was waiting at a wet bus stop, he drove by in his car, all warm and dry. When she got in, he repeated to her: “Please, don’t sit so, don’t sit so close to me.”

With a lot of loose talk in the classroom, to hurt Lolita, her classmates would try and try. There were also many strong words in the staffroom, and (as you can imagine) the accusations began to fly.

At this point, there was no use in denying his attraction to Lolita. Everytime he saw her, he would begin to shake and cough, quite similar to Humbert, in that one book by Vladimir Nabokov.

Update #1: Mr. Gordon Summers was recently arrested and taken to jail for having an inappropriate relationship with a student. While in jail, he would often tell his cellmates: “Please, don’t stand so, don’t stand so close to me.”

Update #2: It turns out…that Lolita was actually the daughter of the Police Chief, and the whole thing was one giant set-up. Basically, Mr. Gordon Summers was stung by a Sting Operation.

Update #3: This entire multi-level plot was written by a very creative sophomore named Stewart Copeland from West Fargo High Skool for a homework assignment in his Film Studies class.

Update #4: Ironically, the teacher of this Film Studies Class is named Mr. Humbert, and his daughter, whose name is Lolita, is going to prom with…Stewart Copeland!

Kangaroo Boxing Coming To Fargo

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Boppers, the boxing kangaroo, is coming to Fargo and looking for some worthy challengers.

Fargo, ND – The Australian champion kangaroo boxer is coming to Fargo. Boppers is his name and boxing is his game.

Kangaroo boxing is one of the most popular sports down under in Australia. The sport is quickly gaining popularity in the United States.

When his trainers and handlers asked Boppers where he wanted to go in the United States, Boppers indicated on the map that Fargo was his choice.

Boppers will take on any challengers in the form of one adult male, or a pair of adult females, or any three teenagers, or any four children under the age of twelve.

Boppers will fight any challengers in either traditional boxing or full contact fighting. If you are considering the full contact event, please remember that Boppers has one very large tail and two very large feet.

This unique event is currently being planned to be held at The Hub in Fargo but may be moved to a larger venue such as the Civic Center or Fargodome if needed.

If you are interested in fighting Boppers, please contact the FM Observer or The Hub and indicate what type of team and level of fighting experience you would bring to the challenge.

Other important information about Boppers to carefully consider before a challenge: Boppers is twice as fast as Muhammad Ali and thrice as powerful as Mike Tyson. Boppers is constantly watching videos of classic boxing matches on large flat-screen TVs throughout his training center. Boppers is very proud of his record: 1,230 wins and zero losses.

ISIS Family Celebrates Joyous “Death To America” Holiday

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article-2417354-1BC1FC32000005DC-108_634x317Al Jalaa, Syria—ISIS families across the Middle-East are set to gather around the tire fire tomorrow evening for their yearly Death To America holiday celebration. Death To America day coincides with the American holiday of Thanksgiving.

Terrorists are excited for this year’s festivities. “ISIS يكره ويريد أن يقتل الأميركيين كل يوم باعتبارها وسيلة للحياة، ولكن مرة واحدة في السنة التقويمية، ونحن نجتمع في وئام والغضب. الموت لأمريكا” (ISIS hates and wants to kill Americans every day as a way of life, but once in a calendar year, we meet in harmony, angry. Death to America), said terrorist Kabal Akhbar-Jalalabad in an interview via Skype. “نشاهد الأخبار الخاصة بك، ونحن نرى البرامج التلفزيونية الخاصة بك. السعادة نحن يحتقر ذلك. الطريقة الأميركية في الحياة يزعج بشدة الله وجميع أولئك الذين يتبعون. الموت للكفار, (We watch your news, we see your TV programs. Happiness: We despise it. American way of life strongly disturbs Allah and all those who follow. Death to the infidels,)” he added, while tonguing his AK-47.

Akhbar-Jalalabad went on to explain that he is taking his family to Chuck Cheeze. After that, they will return home to perform their “Death to Infidels” ceremony where the family sits huddled around the tire fire with each child picking a random family out of a US phone book whom the child wishes death to via a series of heartwarming Islamic incantations.

The ceremony is typically followed by ritualistic slaughter of Sacred Chickens but times are tough, says Akhbar-Jalalabad, so they are without Sacred Chickens this year. “ربما نحن جزار تركيا الثمين بدلا من ذلك، ها ها ها ها ها. الموت لأمريكا. (Maybe we butcher Turkey precious instead, ha ha ha. Death to America.)”

call of duty ghosts xbox 360

Call of Duty: Ghosts – Xbox 360 Review – It Sucks

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call of duty ghosts xbox 360

 

Call of Duty: Ghosts was released for the Xbox 360 on November 5, 2013.  Let me start off by saying I have played all the Call of Duty games starting from Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare.  I’ve put a countless number of hours into them.  I think I was around 25 days playing time in Call of Duty 4.  I look back now and realize that that is a ridiculous amount of time to spend on a game however my playing time in Return to Castle Wolfenstein back in the year 2001 was probably higher.

Lets get to the review.

I bought Call of Duty: Ghosts on a whim.  After Black Ops 1 (second favorite call of duty) I started getting sick of the series and transferred over to Battlefield.  I bought Ghosts due to the fact that it would be released on the Xbox One as well.  I purchased the digital version which I now know was a big mistake because I would have sold my copy already to recoup some of the money I wasted on this giant turd.

Single Player

Can’t comment on that as I haven’t even played it yet.  My review is strictly based on multiplayer.

 

Multiplayer

Boy oh boy how the mighty have fallen.  How a billion dollar company can produce such a turd of a game is pretty sad.  I popped in the game and went straight to multiplayer.  After five minutes I already hated the game.

It’s boring.

I don’t know how else to explain it.  It’s simply boring.  The textures are very very bland and uninspiring.  Players blend in with their environment so much you can’t see shit.  I went into a corner to lay down, regain my health, and re-load my gun.  A player literally went on top of me and laid down.  He didn’t even know I was there.  If he did then that dude was just a gay perv.

The spawning points suck so……so bad.  They have been getting worse in every game released since call of duty 4.  No longer are people able to hold down an area.  They will spawn behind you and it happens ALL…….THE…..TIME.  Kiss your kill streaks goodbye too.  They are worthless in this game.  Hardly anyone gets any good streaks going because you are too busy getting shot in the fucking back.

You die more easily in this game.  It’s like you are playing hardcore mode at all-times.  Takes one to two shots most of the time to down someone.  No more gun battles which is disappointing because that’s what I like about the Call of Duty series.  Whoever sees each other first will win.  Pew pew you’re dead.  Hit markers are not consistent either.

Quickscoping?  Oh yea.  It’s still here.

Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag

The whole menu and options are boring as hell to.  You don’t unlock weapons and items by completing challenges anymore.  You get tokens.  Yay!  You will earn tokens while playing and you use that to unlock weapons, perks, accessories etc etc.  You can customize your soldiers outfit somewhat but who cares.  BOOOOORRRRINNG.  I liked that you could design your own emblem in Black Ops.  There is non of that in this game.  No recording either.

It encourages camping and teabagging.  Yea…..teabagging.  Teabagging was cool, what, 15 years ago?  The maps are so damn big that the only way to get any kills is to camp.  You go anywhere out in the open and you’re usually dead immediately.  If they are trying to copy Battlefield then they should make an entirely different game because it just ain’t gonna work.

It’s boring.  Did I say that already?

The graphics are terrible on the Xbox 360.  However I’m sure they will be better on the Xbox One.  UAV’s are worthless.  You get a SatCom now.  WTF?  You deploy it.  Doesn’t do shit for anyone anymore.  Kill streaks suck but that doesn’t matter. You won’t get them anyways.

I tried to like this game.  I was searching for anything to justify my stupid purchase but it didn’t happen.  I’m up to about a day in playing time now but it doesn’t get any better.  You can tell right away in this game that they didn’t put much time and effort into it.  I feel ripped off.  How they don’t have a polished game after releasing 500 Call of Dutys is pretty pathetic.  The franchise is officially dead in my book.

This game is a total disaster.  Please, for the love of god don’t buy it.

Did I say it’s boring?