Fargo’s Plan To Ban Plastic Bags Irks Some Civil Liberties Groups

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…but many are mad at Fargo’s attempt to ban beautiful plastic bags.

Fargo, ND – Many civil liberties groups are beginning to push back against the Fargo City Commission’s early attempts to ban plastic bags from the city.

They collectively say: “What Commissioner Jan Strond is proposing is just unfair against plastic bags, some who have immigrated from other countries where they may have been threatened. Banning plastic bags will send a bad message to others that Fargo is intolerant of anyone who is different.“

The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) believes a ban on any group, such as plastic bags, goes against the American way and infringes on the constitutionally guaranteed civil liberties of everyone.

People For the American Way (PFAW) advocates for values that sustain a diverse democratic society of which plastic bags are a part, along with activist City Commissioners, when they’re not trying to impose unconstitutional bans.

National Coalition Against Censorship (NCAC) represents many groups united by a conviction that freedom of thought and expression must be defended which is why they’re now focused on Fargo’s anti-American plastic bag ban.

If you believe the Bill Of Rights also protects plastic bags from being banned from Fargo, please show up with a sign demanding justice at the next Fargo City Commission meeting.

If you believe intolerance breeds further intolerance, demand that Commissioner Jan Strond apologize to the plastic bags of the world, or at least the banned ones in Fargo.

Vasco Corporation Now Hiring Part-Time Workers To Test Wetchops

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Imagine getting paid to do something you really enjoy!

West Fargo, ND – Please answer the following questions honestly:

Are you a motivated person who is looking for something better to focus your energy on? (Yes, No)

Do you feel that up until this point in your life that your potential has mostly remained latent? (Yes, No)

Has your self esteem taken a blow to the mid-section because you’ve gotten screwed over in life’s lottery? (Yes, No)

Would you like to become an associate with one of the top companies in its category? (Yes, Yes!)

How would you feel about earning benefits and vacation time for almost doing nothing? (Great, Really Great!)

Why not consider getting a part-time job testing wetchops at the Vasco Corporation?!

Listen to what others are saying about the job you could have:

Julian Calder: Once I started working at Vasco, things in my life really started turning around.

Bianca Pinto: I wouldn’t trade my wetchop testing job here at Vasco Corp for two tickets to a Vikings game!

Yandarbi Sheripov: If you are looking for a great job, testing wetchops at Vasco is really a great job.

Rong Dewei Ni: Me love testing wetchops. Vasco Corporation really really nice company to me.

Privan Zrinko: I tell you what. Vasco wetchops are the best ever. Testing them is like play instead of work.

Viresh Hummelink: When I first heard about this job, methought it maybe sucked, but I was very very wrong.

New Chinese Poodle Puppies Come In Variety Of Colours

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You can literally get your Chinese Poodle Pup in any color imaginable.

獣兵衛忍風帖, China – Have you been waiting to get a puppy until new color choices were available? Were you wishing that the colors of Chinese Poodle Puppies were only limited by infinity? Have you been waiting to get a dog that would blow the minds of all your neighbors? Well, your wait is finally over!

Now, thanks to some advanced genetic engineering and a wide variety of new paint colors, you can get your new Chinese Poodle Pup in “pretty much any color or combination of colors” that you might ever want to consider.

Benga Chnikong is the President of the Chinese Poodle Pup Corp: “We are very excited about the future of our industry. After Ping Pong, we hope Chinese Poodle Pups are our second biggest export to the outside world.”

The FM Observer was lucky enough to receive about a dozen Chinese Poodle Pups in a spectral gamut of colours. If you are one of the first twelve people to leave a comment to this post, your name will be entered into a circular file out of which you could win your very own Chinese Poodle Pup. Sorry, only one per person, and you will have to accept the random color you’re given, and no exchanges or returns will be allowed.

Man-On-The-Street Checking The ZeitGeist

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Checking the Zeitgeist out on the streets of Fargo, North Dakota

Fargo, ND – Our man Jay Hazer is back out on the streets of Fargo once again to check the Zeitgeist of what’s happening in the Fargo area and how real local folks are feeling these days.

Jay Hazer: Scuze me, how do you feel about the Zeitgeist?

Man #1: What the hell are you talking about? And get this fracking microphone out of my mouth before I clock you!

Jay Hazer: Hello, my name’s Jay Hazer. How’s the Zeitgeist…in your opinion?

Grandma #2: Oh, is that that new green car my son was wanting me to buy?

Jay Hazer: Zeitgeist! What do you think about its current state?

Cop #3: Sir, I’m going to have to ask you for your ID please.

Jay Hazer: Mind if I ask you your feelings on today’s Zeitgeist?

Priest #4: Well, they’re not good. God tells me that at this rate, we’re all going to hell.

Jay Hazer: Excuse me…Hi, I’m asking people about the Zeitgeist.

Child #5: My Hatchimal didn’t work right. Can you help me fix my Hatchimal?

Jay Hazer: Man-on-the-street here. Just wondering what you think about the Zeitgeist?

Zen Monk #6: The wind blows. A dog barks. Distance train heading for an explosive crash.

Fargo Witch Heading To Trial

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Fargo witchcraft trial headed to court.

Fargo, ND – Deirdre Cummings has been charged in Fargo District Court with three counts of witchcraft, bewitching, and witchery.

Ms. Cummings will soon be on trial for multiple counts of practicing her practice within Fargo city limits which is a fourth class felony under the state’s mandated uniformed citizenry code of ethics.

Her attorney asked Deirdre if she would like a change of venue, to which she replied: “Sure, I can change the venue! I’d be more than happy to change the venue!” which was quietly followed by an echoing evil laughter.

Moments later all the lights in the courtroom immediately changed from being light bulbs to burning candles held by cobwebbed bat-shaped gargoyled sconces.

Deirdre’s pet crow whom she formally addresses as Sheryl is believed to be Head Crow of the Fargo crow flock which is more commonly called “a murder”.

T’is believed that Deirdre Cummings and her pet crow Sheryl have power over all the crows in Fargo so beware anytime you see a crow and please report it to the Fargo Crow Patrol 25/8.

Potential jurors are being asked whether or not they believe in witchcraft. Any non-believers soon find themselves stuck up against the courtroom ceiling, not dissimilar to that unsettling scene in Nightmare on Elm Street.

Fargo Student Has Seriously Woke Minecraft

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Woke AF

Fargo, ND – One Fargo student has taken his Minecraft building talent to surreal levels. Geil Carmeister, 12, has caught the attention of friends, teachers, and the FM Observer with his uncanny ability to depict real life situations, especially geopolitical ones, using the computer-generated world simulation game Minecraft.

Geil is as woke or woker than your typical 6th-grader.

We’re gonna Minecraft a wall.

“This huge man is the President. This bush is the media. Watch.” His Minecraft screen then portrayed the huge man lighting the bush on fire and as it did so, the bush went away as the huge man grew larger in stature.

“This is the wall. The wall keeps out people,” he explained. “No one new can get over it.”

His parents express a limited amount of concern. “Geil is so lit! I wasn’t nearly as lit at that age,” says his father Burg. “I guess we’re mostly glad he’s paying attention. Mostly.”

Geil’s extremely dialed-in worldview is “just a passing phase” and is something he will “grow out of, unless he becomes a hipster” according to his mother Vanta, who chose to remain anonymous.

FM Observer Hiring SPAM Email Answerer

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Give these spammers a taste of their own medicine.

Fargo, ND – Our email address fmobserver@gmail.com has been getting its ass kicked by SPAM lately and our receptionist Blenda has been unable to keep up. Between sifting through the seemingly constant flow of corporate buyout and advertising requests, she’s simply not able to sarcastically fulfill each and every Nigerian prince’s donation inquiry in a timely manner because we at FM Observer will be damned if we let one zany SPAM email go unanswered.

Are you familiar with SPAM email? Silly question–of course you are. Who hasn’t taken a leisurely dip into the cesspool that is their SPAM inbox, if only for pure amazement? Next question: do you consider yourself a smart Alec? A silly Sammy? A snarky Susan? If you answered yes to these, you’re the right person for the job.

Skint Boobidoo, III

One lucky Larry will be assigned the unending task of replying hilariously to every SPAM email fmobserver@gmail.com gets. This position can be highly amusing for the right candidate. You will engage the sender in hilarious-yet-offputting banter until the sender becomes infuriated to the point of blocking you.

Successful applicants must undergo Trump-inspired “serious vetting” prior to enlistment in this permanent part-time temporary project. Terms of employment will be discussed during vetting. Come prepared.

FM Observer correspondent Skint Boobidoo, III has already applied so your chances of landing the gig are very limited, but do try anyway. Leave your credentials in the comments section and we’ll consider hiring you instead of Skint.

Andrew WK To Give Up Partying For Lent

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None of this until Easter.

Palo Alto, CA – The Observer has learned, via a tweet posted on Facebook via a StumbleUpon to Reddit cross-post, that famous party animal Andrew WK has formally given up partying for lent.

During the next 39 or so days, WK will completely refrain from gesticulating, gyrating, jumping and juke-jiving among other notable acts also known as “partying”.

WK’s publicist, via reply to a contact form email sent from a web server embedded mail relay forwarder, confirmed that “Yes, Andrew wore the ash yesterday and swore off partying. He said he’s not partying for even one second–no headbanging or rocking–for the duration of the Lenten holiday. The rest of you can party on.”

It is not known whether or not WK’s partying restriction is self-imposed or if he’s under a strict doctor’s order to not jostle his torso under fear of irreparable damage to the vertebrae.

Hawaii Votes To Add Another Island Named Zaui

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The newest Hawaiian island to be named Zaui.

The newest Hawaiian island to be named Zaui.

Honolulu, Hawaii – As if it didn’t already have enough beautiful paradise islands, the state of Hawaii has overwhelmingly voted to add another inhabitable island to its current list of seven.

The new island is going to be called Zaui and will include “the best of the best” from each of the other islands.

Hawaii’s governor God Kane describes the new Zaui like this:

“What we’ll be creating will be very special, and very eclectic. Visitors to Zaui will actually feel the eclectricty as soon as they walk up onto Zaui’s perfect beaches. All the flora and fauna will be hand selected to maximize the perfectness that Zaui will offer to its guests.”

Here then is an updated list of the main Hawaiian Islands along with their nicknames and a brief description:

1. Hawaii (Big Daddy): Hawaii is the largest Hawaiian island and still growing. It’s also home to Hot Lava National Park.

2. Maui (The Most Hawaiian Island): Up until Zaui, Maui was always everyone’s favorite.

3. Oahu (Capitol Island): The place to go jewelry shopping because of Pearl Harbor and Diamond Head.

4. Kauai (Todd Rundgren Island): The home of a musical genius who likes to bang on his drum all day.

5. Molokai (Leprosy Island): Not a real major hot spot but a good place to get away from it all.

6. Lanai (Porch Island): Where every resident’s home has an authentic Hawaiian veranda on which they can bang on their drum all day.

7. Niihau (The Native Island): It is strictly forbidden to go here unless you know the secret password, or are a direct descendant of God Kane.

8. Zaui (The Eclectic Island): This will be the most perfect island of all the Hawaiian Islands. To beat the rush, call your travel agent today to book a week or month. Make sure to mention that you want to go to Zaui, with a Z.

Fargo’s Most Famous Poet Tries To Explain His Best Works

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Sir Nedley Graves looks back over his incredibly poetic career while sitting on his Fargone porch supping tea and scones.

Fargo, ND – Nedley Graves is known far and wide as probably thee most famous poet to ever call Fargo, ND his home.

His whole life has been spent writing poetry to the extent that his home is so full of it that it was specially zoned as a historic library of major literary significance, so say his fans and critics alike, from butte to coast.

Nedley Graves’ poems come almost entirely to him from his dreams, spoken to him through some sort of divine communication system known only to those who reach the pinnacle of success as has been achieved by Sir Nedley Graves.

Unfortunately, most don’t have a fricking clue what his poems are about and leave many readers of his most-finest works scratching their collective heads as to what the hell is being conveyed.

Nonetheless, poems of this caliber only seem to come along once, perhaps twice or thrice, in a lifetime and this is the reason why Nedley Graves is considered to be among Fargo’s finest when it comes to excessively excelling.

Here is just a sweet taste of one of Nedley Graves’ most famous poems which is simply entitled: Be-Dwelkered Dreams

Be-dwelkered dreams coarse happenstance
Upon my charmanst filter of life’s light
Gridden through and through what I mistook
For fraid temprons glowing from my firey bon

Carpathoned spokes unspoken to our laird
Unsquared by merely morsald chambermaids
Unsquizoned paths to pay in fields of maise
Whilst we chase down our feelings underlow

A top poetical critic named Sir Charles J. Bastion recently wrote of Nedley Graves’ life’s works: “It seems like it is really great stuff but nobody I’ve ever encountered has any fracking guesses as to what the flying flock these poems are about! I personally think his whole body of work is one giant crock of shit, but would never admit that on the record. This is off the record, right?”

If you are a huge Nedley Graves fan who would like to nibble scones and sup tea with Fargo’s supposed poetic master while he tries to explain some of his so-called better poems and attempts to translate them into reality, please call or email our Office of Literary Arts for dates, times, and perhaps even some rhymes.