New Fargo Children’s Daycare Called Spookhouse

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Spookhouse to provide Care & Scare

Fargo, ND – A new theme park-style daycare service will soon be opening in Fargo.

Spookhouse Daycare will provide excellently creepy care for today’s modern youth.

Everything about Spookhouse Daycare will have a very scary edge to it.

Eerie music and bloodcurdling sounds will be continuously piped in.

Feral black cats will roam the haunted premises.

Dimly-lit bathrooms will have special blacklight 3-D goblins jumping out of nowhere.

Staff workers will dress up like graveyard ghouls and read classic ghost stories to the children at the bottom of every hour.

Spookhouse director Egore Hunchback says: “It’s going to be terrifyingly awesome!”

Other daycare themes soon to be available from the Kids-R-Us Corporation: Bootcamp, Octogon, Transgender, Waterworld, Prison, and The Moon.

Raceism Is What Makes Marathon Week So Special

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Raceism | noun | race – ism | ˈrā-ˌsi-zəm: the belief in racing as a favorable hobby or pastime

Raceism is alive and well

Raceism is still a thing!

Fargo, ND–Raceism is alive and well in Fargo this weekend during this year’s marathon. Raceists from all across the country have flocked to town this week for the city’s annual 26-miler. Registration totals are through the roof again as thousands of raceists wait patiently for the starting gun.

Fellow raceists train hard for this event. Local raceist Jaian Leutibron is poised to run his fifth consecutive full marathon on Saturday. “Raceism is a part of me. It’s who I am. I love racing with a passion, whether it’s on road or on track. My father was a diehard raceist, and so was my father’s father. Participating in the marathon with all these other raceists is what it’s all about.”

Registration for this event is still open if you’re a raceist who wants to get in on the action! All you have to do is fill out the Raceist Registration Forms online or in person to register as a raceist. The raceism culminates this Saturday on the streets of downtown Fargo. Be there!

 

Shania Twain Moving To Fargo

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East is East and West is West, and never the Twain shall meet, unless you’re in Fargo.

Fargo, North Dakota – Shania Twain, the famous daughter of the late Mark Twain, has just announced that she will be moving to Fargo, effective September 21, 2015.

The singing superstar said that after performing in Fargo back in 1998 and 2004, and after seeing the movie FARGO, she has decided to relocate to Fargo permanently.

Her long-time agent, Sofia Lorry, released this statement from Ms. Twain: “Fargo, when I first saw you, I saw love, and the first time you touched me, I felt love, and after all this time, Fargo, you’re still the one I love.”

For Fargo, this will be yet another celebrity who has chosen to make Fargo their permanent home. Others include: Lawrence Welk, Peggy Lee, Bruno Mars, Tom Cruise, Bruce Transjenner, Phil Jackson, JJ Watt, Redd Foxx, Macaulay Culkin, and Ed Shultz.

To welcome Shania Twain to Fargo, the local chapter of the Welcome Wagon has deemed September 21st to officially be Shania Twain Day. If you would like to help out the Celebration Committee by making cookies or baked goods, please contact the Chamber Of Commerce.

Center For Disease Control Bans The Handshake

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Experts say that shaking hands could be an early sign of Parkinson’s Disease.

Shakespeare, Alabama – In the midst of mucho bad news during the last year about the spread of diseases, the customary handshake is in danger of extinction.

Governmental scientists armed with the latest governmental research claim that this barbaric germ-spreading maneuver is no longer worth the risk.

One governmental statistic shows that 98.5% of people who die have engaged in using the handshake as a method of greeting and agreeing during their lifetime.

One expert on the subject of handshakes is Robert McCloskey who said: “I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”

Federal bureaucrats from the Center for Disease Control are gearing up to begin enforcing a ban on handshakes after the Obamadministration uses another Executive Action to outlaw the archaic practice.

As a helpful public service, the FM Observer has come up with a list of alternative methods of greeting friends and strangers.

Top Ten Alternatives to the Handshake:
10. Standard Hand Wave
9. Thumbs Up
8. A Wink
7. Fist Bumps
6. Rubbing Elbows
5. Curtsy
4. Chest Bump
3. Cheek Rub
2. Bowing
1. French Kiss

Yellowstone Park To Soon Blow Its Top

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Sitting on a powder keg and giving off sparks!

Yellowstone Lake, Wyoming – We think of Yellowstone National Park as 3,500 square miles of family fun and adventure.

With all its amazing canyons, rivers, forests, and hot springs, it’s a favorite destination for many group outings.

Besides seeing Old Faithful, you will often encounter antelope, bears, bison, elk, moose, and wolves.

Unfortunately, this wilderness recreation area sits on top of a gigantic volcanic hot spot that’s about to explode.

New scientific imaging techniques show that underneath Yellowstone is a newly-formed, deeper magma reservoir of molten rock miles beneath the Yellowstone Supervolcano. This recent discovery is four (4) times larger than the shallower, previously-known magma chamber.

It is calculated that if the Yellowstone Supervolcano erupts, the power of the blast could send its animal residents flying to the moon…and beyond.

Respected magmalogist Dr. Umoto Hishomataka believes “When this Yellowstone Supervolcano decides to blow, it will make Hiroshima look like buttered popcorn.”

The Federal Government, with its infinite wisdom, is proactively trying to save all of these beautiful animals by setting up an Emergency Animal Adoption Program.

If you would like to adopt an antelope, a bear, a bison, an elk, a moose, or a wolf, please contact your Senator or Representative and indicate your preference(s).

If we all care a little bit, we can collectively care a lot.

Wear a yellow ribbon to show you care more than your neighbor.

If anyone asks what the yellow ribbon is for, ask them if they were born yesterday.

Watch Out For Cleanup Week Curb Kids

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baby-with-garbage-pile2Fargo, ND—It’s cleanup week in Fargo! One man’s trash is another man’s treasure–but beware. If you’re trolling the streets for discarded belongings, keep your eyes and ears open for something truly invaluable. Be on the lookout for curb kids.

Deadbeat parents are sneaking unwanted infants into their curb trash. IF YOU SEE AN INFANT ON THE CURB NEXT TO A PILE OF JUNK DO NOT PICK IT UP. By rule, the infant will become yours and you will need to cherish it for all eternity. Inspect the junkpile thoroughly before you take anything–there might be a baby lodged inside one of those dresser drawers.

If you find a curb kid, notify police or social services immediately and they will relocate the infant. Giving away children in a cleanup week junk heap is illegal and will be met with swift justice.

MN Pond Scum Being Sold As Organic Herbal Muck

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Miraculous Medicinal Muck

Somewhere, Minnesota – A group of resourceful environmental herbologists with a special knack for marketing organic health products will soon be selling pond scum (Pondis Scumius Major) carefully gathered from certain hard-to-reach Minnesota pond areas.

Packaged as Organic Medicinal Muck (OMM), this amazing herbal pond scum has been shown by OMM-certified scientists to possibly have some sort of effect on people who suffer from a wide spectrum of diseases, including: •Amebiasis •Brucellosis •Coxsackie Virus •Dengue Fever •Ehrlichiosis •Fifth Disease •Glanders •Histoplasmosis •Impetigo •Jejunal Atresia •Kawasaki Syndrome •Listeriosis •Monkeypox •Nongonococcal Urethritis •Osteoporosis •Psittacosis •Q Fever •Ringworm •Shigellosis •Tularemia •Urticaria Pigmentosa •Vancomycin Resistant Enterococcus •West Nile Virus •Xerophthalmia •Yersiniosis and •Zoonoses.

Organic Medicinal Muck will be available in many different user-friendly forms: •Raw (straight from the pond) •Dehydrated •Ointment •Salve •Pill •Capsule •Gelcaps •Extract Concentrate •Soap •Tea •Burgers •Cake •Shake •Snortable Powder (only available in some states) •Injectable Medicine •Facial Cream •Doggie Biscuits •Cleaning Pads and as •Acrylic Paints.

If you are a motivated self-starter who would like to sell Organic Medicinal Muck door-to-door, please apply in person at any of the OMM branch offices.

Company president Dr. Paplo Poinbank says: “These products practically sell themselves, plus OMM can also be used as a mantra for your next relaxation meditation.”

Baltimore Mayor A Paragon Of Political Pragmatism

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Cool. Calm. Collected.

Grace Under Fire

Baltimore, Maryland – The mayor of Baltimore will soon be given the Grace-Under-Fire Award by the National Association Of Mayors Institution (NAOMI).

While Baltimore has been given the space and time to be pillaged, looted, and burned, Balitmore Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake through it all appeared as calm as the ocean in the eye of a hurricance.

Not only does her general demeanor exude peace and tranquility, but her fashionable hair style is exemplary. “She is everything a mayor should be, and more”, said DC Mayor Muriel Bowser, who noted that Vanity Fair recently included Rawlings-Blake in its list of the Top Ten Best-Dressed Mayors.

Besides being an attorney and mayor, Stephanie Rawlings-Blake also uses her talents as Secretary of the Democratic National Committee, the perfect springboard for seeking higher public office.

Stephanie Rawlings-Blake stated that her goal as mayor was to grow Baltimore by 10,000 families after she took over as mayor in 2010 in the wake of former Mayor Sheila Dixon resigning following her conviction for embezzling gift cards intended for the city’s poor.

With Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake at the helm, the city of Baltimore is in good hands. She seems to be proactively on top of everything as would be expected of an effective mayor of a large city. She also does it all with the style and grace of First Lady Michelle Obama.

National Weatherman Walk-Out Threatens Nation

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Zer0% Chance Of Weather

Weatherly, Pennsylvania – Our nation now faces the threat of having no weather forecasting for the foreseeable future thanks to Meteorologist Union Of Brotherhood Workers #2127, who is threatening a strike at midnight Honolulu Time.

Just imagine turning on your local news and instead of seeing your usual weather forecasting, all you got was five minutes of a test pattern.

Sheila Quark barks: “I hate all those fu©kers.”

Charlie O’Jama grooves: “Hey now, what’s goin’ on??”

Do your due diligence and purchase an Emergency Weather Broadcast System for up-to-date weather information for your family and your home, compliments of Out Insurance, where: “We Care More About You, Than You Do!”

New Family Restaurant Offers All-You-Can-Eat Pancakes

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Eat more than 20 pancakes and your breakfast is FREE!

Fargo, ND – If you’re super hungry for a great breakfast, go to Hotcakes!

The newest family restaurant in the FM area specializes in breakfast – all day long.

At ridiculously reasonable prices, they offer large glasses of fresh-squeezed Florida orange juice, 100% organic country pork sausage, just-laid eggs from healthy chickens, all-you-can-eat light & fluffy buttermilk pancakes, and maple syrup just tapped from a tree and flown in from Vermont by drones.

As a special offer, if you can eat more than 20 pancakes, your entire breakfast is FREE!

If you can eat more than 30 pancakes, you’re invited to sign up for fabulous monthly prizes which include: Ca$H, a new golf cart, a trip to Grand Forks, and a baby elephant named Dumbo.

If you’re looking for the best breakfast in town and you’re hungry enough to eat a horse, go to Hotcakes!