Bruce Jenner Announcing Sect Change During Two Hour Television Special

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jennerBruce Jenner, famed former Olympian and step-father to the Kardashian family, plans to announce his sect change during a television special with ABC’s Diane Sawyer. Jenner will be changing his sect from Lutheran to Methodist.

“I’ve been mulling this over for decades. It just didn’t feel right living the way I was. It felt like I was living in a different body altogether. Methodists use whole wheat, leavened communion, which resonates with my personality and faith much more than the Lutheran version of white, unleavened communion. This change is difficult for all of us…I’m happy that my family supports me through this tumultuous time.”

Sawyer’s two-hour television special is expected to discuss the detailed history of the different sects and Bruce’s internal struggle, with no less than 11 commercials segments featuring bread.

Wedding Tax Obama Administration’s Next Executive Action

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New 10% Wedding Tax retroactive back to June 2012

Washington, DC – With the busy wedding season almost here and the government running out of new ways to tax the American public, the White House has announced a new executive action to be effective immediately.

A 10% wedding tax will be imposed on the total cost of all weddings.

Newly-married couples will need to provide a detailed itemized listing of all wedding expenses on a new IRS tax form along with notarized copies of all receipts. Failure to do so may result in jail time.

This new wedding tax shall be retroactive back to June 1, 2012.

Illegal aliens and same-sex marriages will temporarily be exempted from the wedding tax due to the upcoming presidential election.

Other possible future executive actions might include a honeymoon tax and a divorce tax depending on whether or not the government decides it needs to waste more of your hard-earned money.

Al Gore Blames Chilean Volcano On Global Warming

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Where is Manbearpig?

Cupertino, CA—Famed internet inventor and climate changeologist Al Gore went on the offensive yesterday during an Earth Day event at Apple® headquarters. When news of the Chilean volcanic eruption broke, Gore equated it to a byproduct of global warming.

“The continual warming of the Earth’s crust leads to violent reactions that harm our atmosphere,” said Gore. “It’s an inconvenient truth: Volcanic eruptions belch smoke and ash into our very fragile ecosystem because YOU and I won’t REDUCE our Carbon Footprint!”

The former Vice President echoed the sentiments he’s been expressing for years. Even now, his war on warmth is as furious as it’s ever been.

“The glowball is warming! Manbearpig is real! Enjoy the internet! God bless the United Atmosphere of America!”

New Business Called “Janitors On Steroids” Coming To Fargo-Moorhead Area

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If you call now, instead of just one Janitor, we’ll send you two “Janitors On Steroids”!

Fargo, ND – With the ever-growing economy in the FM area, the need for excellent janitorial services grows with it. The FM Observer is proud to announce that we have personally invited a new business called “Janitors On Steroids” to soon move into our area.

Local businesses and homes in needs of “the best janitorial services on the planet” will soon be able to call “Janitors On Steroids” to sign up for a variety of assistance plans, including: Basic Window Washing, A-to-Z Kitchen Cleaning, or the famous Full House Top-to-Bottom Package.

What are some happy customers saying about “Janitors On Steroids”?

Emily Duckens admits: “These guys are good. Fast, friendly, and thorough!”

Wanda Psychs tweeted: “OMG! As soon as they’re done cleaning, I want them back again.”

Krystal Balle says: “Each one can lift a ton!”

For the first 100 customers to sign up for “Janitors On Steroids”, you will be put into a drawing for free janitorial services, a life-time supply of cleaning products, and a special Grand Prize Safari Adventure to Zambia.

Disclaimer: “Janitors On Steroids” is not responsible for any damage to your dwelling or personal property while frantically cleaning your home at top speed. “Janitors On Steroids” may from time to time feel the need to drink beer and administer steroids to maintain top level job performance. “Janitors On Steroids” is not in any way affiliated with the FM Observer except for the fact that we all hang out together and work for the same parent company.

Moorhead Starting A Community Bongo Band

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Join the Moorhead Outdoor Bongo Band (or MOBB)

Moorhead, MN – The progressive city of Moorhead, Minisoda is seeking members for its new Moorhead Outdoor Bongo Band (MOBB).

The idea came from Moorhead resident Dr. Billy Bongo who teaches Advanced Bongo at M-State University.

Dr. Bongo says: “I envision the Bongo Band playing at all the important city functions and perhaps even travelling to other area communities which sadly may not have their own Bongo Band.”

For anyone thinking of joining Moorhead’s Outdoor Bongo Band, the initial song list will include: Rhythm Nation, Bongo In The Congo, Endless Jam, and The Beat Goes On.

Try-outs and sign-up for the MOBB will be at any and all of the upcoming Moorhead city commission meetings.

If you don’t have your own bongos or congas, you can make then out of empty oatmeal canisters or google the internet for ideas on how to make your own drums.

Besides having your own instrument to play, Bongo Band members need only be able to keep a steady beat and count to four. Dressing in colorful clothing would be a plus!

Large Comet To Hit Downtown Fargo Next Year

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Comet X-51 heading toward downtown Fargo but may hit Dilworth if there’s a strong West wind.

Fargo, ND – City officials are trying to not start a panic while announcing that a large comet may hit downtown Fargo sometime next year.

The comet is named X-51 and is believed to be from the Taurus constellation.

Cometologists have determined that its size is roughly equal to two Fargodomes.

Tim Stellars from the National Comet Observation Bureau says: “If you added another upside-down Fargodome to the bottom of the actual Fargodome, that is about the size and shape of Comet X-51, which is headed straight for downtown Fargo.”

Fortunately, NCOB has calculated that the chance of a direct hit on downtown Fargo is less than 100% but unfortunately have put it at about 80-90%, give or take 5%, after dropping the decimal point.

City officials are discussing the problem and also the possible huge increase in binge drinking due to this “unsettling news”.

We will continue to monitor this developing situation and provide updates on a Need-To-Know basis.

How To Tell If A Bird Has The Bird Flu

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SuperFLUous Bird

Birdeye, Arkansas – With the Avian Flu starting to spread its nasty wings, it might be helpful for us all to know the signs of a Sick Bird.

After months and months of careful research, the FM Observer has put together a fairly long short-list of the most common ways to identify a bird that may be carrying the dreaded Bird Flu:

1. Flies into walls and windows at full speed.
2. Just generally looks kind of “koo-koo.”
3. Spontaneous dry heave-tweeting.
4. Sits in bird bath eating off-brand chicken soup.
5. Calls in sick multiple times a day.
6. Uses too much beak lotion.
7. Unusual bleeding from the eyes.
8. Tries to mate with its own reflection.
9. Refers to all other birds as “Harold.”
10. Sings “Smoke On The Water” instead of its normal birdsong.
11. Nest is made entirely of Doritos.
12. Incessantly posts bird flu jokes on its Twitter account.
13. Repeatedly steals the Jehovah’s Witness propaganda from your doorknob.
14. Flies into a pharmacy looking for XanaX.
15. It flu North, when all its friends flew South.

If you notice a sickly bird manifesting any of these signs, first try not to panic, then immediately call your local Avian Flu Response Center Association and mention the Promo Code KTG723JWSKFYS3V2M.

Montana Pipe Dream A Religious Experience

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Old Man Hubbard

Helena, Montana – On this day in history, a veterinarian named James W. Hubbard (just call me “Jim”) would meet the love of his life, one young Philena “Jane” Potter.

Jim and Jane would then, soon after, adopt a young boy named Henry August Wilson, who would later change his legal name to Harry Ross Hubbard.

Harry, while working for the military in Nebraska, one day met a lovely teacher named Miss Ledora May Waterbury.

Together they had a boy whom they named Lafayette Ronald Hubbard. As a youngster, Lafayette loved spending time reading cheap fiction and visiting his grandfather back in big sky Montana.

While looking up at all the stars on Saturday nights, Grandpa Jim would make up crazy stories for young Lafayette about aliens from other planets while sitting around a campfire, smoking a peace pipe with their blood-brother Blackfeet Native American friends.

The next morning, the Hubbard family would all attend church together while young Lafayette was still stoned from smoking the Blackfoot peace pipe. Every time the pastor, who had a bad lisp, would thay the word “Satan“, young stoned Lafayette thought he was thaying the word “Thetan“.

When he grew up into a man, Lafayette Ronald Hubbard would go on to write a book about all of his grandfather’s kooky stories, and turn it into the largest, successful, fake-religious cult in the history of mankind, and call it Scientology. And now you know, the rest of the story!

Drought-Stricken California Looking To Dip Into Swimming Pools

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You never miss the water till the well runs dry.

Drytown, CA – As California continues to suffer from its worst drought since their last bad drought, the California Water Authority is searching for ways to deal with the problem.

It’s so dry in California that the only way to do laundry is by bringing it to the dry cleaners.

The California Water Authority is considering using all public and private swimming pools as a major source of water.

Just in the greater Los Angeles area, there are at least 50,000 swimming pools with an average of 18,000 gallons of water per pool.

Jasmine Cogbill who heads up the California Water Authority says: “That alone would provide about 900 million gallons of water. Just imagine if we used water from swimming pools in the entire state of California.”

Some private swimming pool owners claim that the idea is half-baked. Jasmine Cogbill says to that: “Oh no, it’s fully baked!”

Fargo Tops State With Seven I-94 Exits

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Fargo-FloodFargo, ND—The results are finally in! Fargo, for the eighteenth year in a row, was awarded the honor of Most Independent I-94 Highway Exits with an estimable 7.

ND Department Of Transportation Administrator Hifton Gasscage believes this to be the result of hard work and a little divine intervention. “We’re happy with these recent findings. Currently, there are no plans to add or remove any highway exits, but if it doth pleaseth the gods, thy shalt produceth the sturdiest of offeth-rampeth constructs.”

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The Gods

The Gods sent forth this ruling after the annual War Of Spring Solstice. Fargo was declared the ruling village in an epic Battle Of The Longroads, with Bismarck earning a revered second-place nod.

Fargo shall again wage battle against Bismarck at the dawn of the 2017 Summer Solstice. It is then that the Gods shall again make their will known.