Returned Diversion Assessment Ballots Being Used To Build Diversion

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All of your returned ‘NO’ ballots will be put to good use

Fargo, ND—Local property owners: Did you recently find a flood risk ballot in your mailbox asking you to help fund the FM Diversion project? Did you open it, read it, then furiously scrawl an X in the ‘No’ box and send it in? Then we have great news! You’ve officially done your part in getting the diversion built.

County assessors, after being completely inundated with paper, are creatively re-purposing the thousands of ‘No’ ballots towards the pending diversion construction project.

“This massive amount of paper is going to be recycled into dike pulp. It….uh…..that was our plan all along, actually,” stated FM Diversion project lead Thousman Van Biplemblaven. “We, um….we figured this would happen, so….we’re just gonna build part of the dike out of those papers. Everyone already voted no. There’s a buttload of paper.”

Officials loaded all the “dike pulp” inside an unused Hector International Airport airplane hangar until construction begins in the year 2187.

Vegas Casinos Ridding Roulette Of Number 23

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Roulette Wheel #23 is the most often hit number.

Roulette’s #23 is the most often hit number.

Las Vegas, NV – Most of the casinos in Las Vegas will soon be removing the number 23 from their Roulette wheels.

Enough people have finally figured out that 23 is the luckiest Roulette number, which is now starting to cause a problem for casinos that offer the game.

Roulette pit boss Lester Morton has been running the Roulette wheel for years and says: “Yeah, there seems to be something special about the number 23, especially around any full moon. The Roulette ball more often than not finds its way to that 23 slot. That’s why Michael Jordan chose that number for his basketball jersey. He knew that 23 was a lucky number.”

If you happen to be at a Las Vegas casino that still offers the 23, and it’s close to a full moon, you might want to give it a try. But don’t mention that you heard it here. In fact, we will soon be removing this post from the FM Observer website.

Burning Ban Does Not Include Throwing Lit Cigarettes Out Car Windows

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What’s the big deal about throwing a burning cigarette butt out a car window during a burning ban?

Fargo, ND – Moderate drought conditions in North Dakota are sparking burning bans to be implemented on both the state and county levels.

The extremely dry conditions due to Global Drying have precipitated government leaders to douse all fire-related activities until further notice.

So, using covered firepits for social gatherings, singing around the campfire, making bonfire s’mores, and controlled burns on windy days are now all considered to be unacceptable activities and could put you in the hot seat.

However, the tossing of burning cigarettes from cars is still an acceptable habit.

All drivers who smoke know that it would be such a disgusting inconvenience to have to put a smoke out in their clean unused ashtrays.

Throwing the last of a hot burning cigarette out the car window has never been considered to be littering or a potential fire hazard, even if it happens to roll off into a ditch full of parched dry brown grasses.

Cliff Uckerson says of this practice: “Yeah, it ain’t no big deal. Once I toss it out the window, it’s gone. I ain’t gunna see it again.”

With strict new burning bans going into place to prevent widespread fire disasters, it would be asking way too much to request that smokers discontinue the ritual of flicking their burning butts out the car window.

Miraculous ElderHaus Magically Cures Whatever Ails You

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ElderHaus to be torn down.

Moorhead, MN – It’s the oldest building in the motley city of Moorhead.

Known as just ElderHaus, everyone who’s ever stayed there claims it has magical powers to rid one’s body and mind of all sorts of ailments and afflictions.

Housemother Rigletta Azmoff has hosted ElderHaus for the last forty years.

“People seeking a cure to a wide range of physical and mental problems need only spend one night sleeping in ElderHaus. They usually pay whatever they can afford. Guests then simply go to bed and wake up feeling 100% fantastic! I’ve seen ElderHaus help with everything from Assburger Syndrome to Phlebitis.”

Unfortunately, ElderHaus will have to be demolished later this year due to a legal loophole in the Unaffordable Care Act.

Federal Regulator Ivan Nashtikov admits it’s too bad that the old building has to be razed but “the law’s the law.”

Fargo Starts New Program To Help Juveniles Avoid Jail

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Persuasion through Dissuasion

Fargo, ND – With the upwardly mobile trend of crime in Fargo due to Global Fracking, a new program is being started to dissuade area youth from landing themselves in jail and prison.

The program is called Incarcerational Detention Improves Obstinate Teenagers (or IDIOT).

Troubled teenagers who are heading in the “wrong direction” will hava chance to tangibly experience real-life jail living while wearing a bright pink uniform labeled IDIOT.

Nominations for participation in the IDIOT program can come from parents, teachers, police, or even anonymously.

Program enrollees will get to spend anywhere from 1-6 nights in jail depending on the roll of a dice. Program Director Jack Hammer believes: “By rolling a dice to determine the length of their stay, they begin to learn they’re no longer in control.”

Before graduating from the IDIOT program, each misguided youth will learn how to do laundry, sleep with the lights on, make their beds, make other’s beds, exercise upon waking, appreciate jail food, exist without television and smartphones, and be respectful of authority.

The New West Fargo Recycling Bins Are The Size Of A Hot Tub

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“It’s simple. It’s easy. It’s gigantic!”

West Fargo, ND – The new West Fargo recycling bins were delivered this last week. Obviously recycling is a good thing that everyone should be doing. But the size of these new recycling bins has many residents dumbfounded. Ours stands almost four feet tall, about two feet wide, and about a yard deep. Its outside dimensions put it at taking up roughly 23 square feet of garage space. It’s as high as our Honda Civic. So, just the size of it seems to be a problem, since they’re about the size of a refrigerator.

Residents are to put all recyclable materials in them including paper, newspapers, and cardboard, with nothing in plastic bags. I can just imagine what’s going to happen on one of their bi-weekly pickup days if there’s any sort of significant wind. If the wind is blowing from the West, the City of Fargo can expect a ton of loose paper to be blowing in from West Fargo.

At our home, since we’ve already been manually recycling for years, we don’t really need to keep our new giant mega-bin for its intended purpose. Since it’s large enough to sit in, I might fill ours with hot water and use it as a hot tub and maybe pull the top lid down for that authentic steam room effect. Since it has wheels, anyone with children or pets could use it as a fun wagon. Get everyone inside and pull them around the neighborhood for a co-mingled fun tour. Who wants to go on a Fun Tour? I do! I do!

FM Observer Donates Million Dollar Painting To Help Save Fargo’s Horse Park

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“Where The Horses Graze” by Amsterdam Douglass

West Fargo, ND – In a singular Herculean effort to raise money for the financially struggling North Dakota Horse Park which has been hounded by special assessment fees and unpaid property taxes, the FM Observer has decided to donate a million dollar painting created by our very own Amsterdam Douglass in order to: 1. Help raise awareness of the financial problems that Fargo’s Horse Park has been having since its inception, and 2. To kick start a Fund Razor which would help raise funds to help kick start another subsequent Official Fund Razor which will be called Just Hold Your Horses.

Naturally, the first Fund Razor will be called The FM Observer To The Rescue To Help Save The Struggling North Dakota Horse Park In Fargo Fund Razor.

Most of the money raised in this initial Fund Razor would go toward: 1. Getting Fund Razor #2 off the ground, and 2. Trying to reach the ultimate goal of getting the financially struggling North Dakota Horse Park in Fargo 1. Out of the doldrums, and 2. Back on track toward providing clean family fun where youngsters of all ages can learn the joy of betting on horse races, in order to prepare themselves for a lifetime of profitable gambling enjoyment.

If you would like to Meet & Greet the soon-to-be-famous Amsterdam Douglass and ask him questions about his million dollar painting, which is being donated to Fund Razor #1, simply show up, down by the Red River, under the Main Avenue bridge (which connects Fargo to Moorhead), about an hour after sunset, on any Friday night.

Large Sinkhole Creates New Minnesota Lake: Lots Selling Quickly

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Minnesota: The Land Of 10,001 Lakes

Sinkhole, MN – After a large sinkhole unexpectedly created a new lake in Northern Minisoda, realtors are wasting no time selling front row seats to the new gem.

The sinkhole, which is approximately 166 feet deep, naturally filled with early melting Spring snow due to Global Warming.

Geologist Marc Richlander: “It is rare that we get to witness what normally takes a million geological years to happen, and see it all unfold in a matter of mere weeks.”

Realtor Paddy Swanson: “Yes, we’ve already sold zero lots on the new Sinkhole Lake and are expecting to sell a lot more!”

Minnesota DNR Field Commander: “We are hoping to get Sinkhole Lake stocked with fish and zebra mussels as soon as possible.”

Downtown Fargo Parking Sucks: No Plans To Fix

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"Part of the allure of coming to downtown Fargo is the parking problem."

“Part of the allure of coming to downtown Fargo is the parking problem.”

Fargo, ND – It is not a big secret that the parking situation in downtown Fargo is a problem. Just try meeting someone for lunch downtown and driving around attempting to find a suitable place to park that’s relatively close to your destination. “Sorry I’m late. Couldn’t find a place to park!”

What might be a surprise to most is that there are no plans to solve the problem.

City Planner Merv Schlekler opines: “It’s been this way for so long that people have gotten used to it. Even going way back to when Fargo was called Centralia, parking your car or your horse was never easy.”

Many ideas have been brainstormed as to how Fargo City Officials could perhaps solve the problem, but one by one, they have all ended up in the circular file.

The parking “problem” in Downtown Fargo is here to stay, and is being downgraded to an “irritation”. This way, those little golf cart cops can continue blocking the roads while ticketing as many vehicles as possible to provide Fargo an endless stream of cash flow, all by design.

International Pi Day Is Here! How Are You Celebrating?

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International 3.141592653589793 23846264338327950 28841971693993751 05820974944592307 816406286……Day!

It’s March 14th, 2015! Did you know that this date holds significance for fans of a certain mathematical constant? 3/14/15 is International Pi Day. Those five numbers, in order, are the first five numbers of Pi (π), the ratio of a perfect circle’s circumference to its diameter! Was 9/11 an inside job?

This is a huge day for mathematicians and trigonometrists alike. If you were to ask Whackite Chlomsburger what the first 25 numbers of Pi are, he’ll recite them for you from memory. Some people think that the collapse of the Twin Towers was the result of a controlled demolition.

People all over the world today are baking pies, throwing pies, eating pies and donating pies to food shelters in honor of π. Blueberry, blackberry, apple, pumpkin–any flavor you can think of! Kurt Cobain didn’t kill himself.

3/14/15 only comes around once per lifetime. How are you celebrating International Pi Day? Let us know in the comments! Kurt Cobain was too blasted on heroin to even lift a shotgun that day.