New Insane Asylum For Pets Gives Families Hope

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New Insane Asylum For Crazy Pets

New Insane Asylum For Crazy Pets

Sabin, Minnesota – A new animal-friendly care institution recently opened South of Moorhead.

The Sabin Observatory For Insane Animals (SOFIA) was designed to meet the special needs of pets that have gone completely crazy.

Dr. Claus Filtrum is SOFIA’s Executive Director: “We professionally design an individualized Care Plan for each insane animal.”

The bad news: The Sabin Observatory For Insane Animals currently has a long waiting list of complete lunatics waiting to get into the facility.

The good news: Expansion plans are already on the table and “in the works”.

The other good news: Treatment at SOFIA is completely “free” under ObamaCare.

Leonard Nimoy To Be Rejuvenated With Project Genesis

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Leonard Nimoy has been, and forever shall be, your friend. Live long, and prosper.

Leonard, Michigan – Even though the man who played Mr. Spock on Star Trek died on February 27, 2015, many believe that Leonard Nimoy’s spiritual essence, or katra, has been preserved.

Videotape of Leonard Nimoy’s death shows that he transferred his katra to Hosato “George” Takei (Star Trek’s Hikaru Sulu) moments before he died in Bel Air, California.

After Nimoy’s body is regenerated with Project Genesis, his new body can be reunified with his katra by using a standard process called Vulcanization.

Asked to comment, William Shatner (Captain James T. Kirk) simply said: “It all seems very logical to me.”

Star Trek fans: Don’t forget that the USS Enterprise is coming to the Fargo AirShow! See details here.

Fargo Man Accused Of Illegally Cloning Dachshunds For Profit

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Just imagine, hundreds of Dachshunds all named Pickles!

Fargo, ND – Mr. Clemont Dill of rural Fargo is being charged with the illegal cloning of a Dachshund.

He supposedly has cloned his favorite dog, Pickles, over 250 times.

Mr. Dill claims that Pickles has won many Best-In-Show awards and that he simply wanted to make some extra cash by selling Pickles to others.

At $200 per clone, Clemont would pocket roughly $50,000.

Unfortunately, cloning Dachshunds is a felony under North Dakota law.

Mr. Dill’s attorney is insistent that his client is completely innocent of all charges, although he does agree that there are many Dachshunds on the Dill property which all look exactly the same and who all respond to the name Pickles.

Donald Trump Building Skyscraper In Moorhead “Just For The Hell Of It”

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Trump Tower Moorhead

Moorhead, Minisoda – Donald Trump announced tomorrow that he will soon begin construction of a 57-story skyscraper in downtown Moorhead.

Why Moorhead? The Donald’s answer: “Moorhead is a really, really great community. But the real reason is I want to build a huge skyscraper in Moorhead, quite honestly, is just for the hell of it.”

Why 57 stories? The Trumpster: “Well, for one, because there are 57 states in the United States, according to President Obama. For two, because 57 stories will put it at exactly three times taller than the North Dakota capitol building, which quite honestly, looks like a retirement home for old politicians.”

The new skyscraper will be called: Trump Tower Moorhead.

It is currently scheduled to open in the Fall of 2016, at the exact same time that the new Vikings Stadium opens its doors.

Rumor has it, from the top floor of Trump Tower Moorhead, you will be able to see downtown Murderapolis!

Google Robot Beats Human At Bocce Ball

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Prime Directive: Beat Humans

Prime Directive: Beat Humanoids

Signifying the rapid progression of the artificial intelligence takeover, a Google-owned ATLAS robot at the Institute for Human and Machine Cognition (IHMC) recently beat a human at a game of bocce ball. It not only beat the human, it shut out the human 12-0 using a small series of perfectly-calculated rolls, tosses and heaves.

If you’re unfamiliar with the game of bocce ball, it goes like this: you throw a big ball at a small ball, hoping to get your big ball as close to the small ball as possible. Each person throws 2 big balls at the small ball per turn. If your big balls are closest to the small one, you get two points.

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Bong Maxomer

“Google ATLAS is easily able to precog the actual logical physics of immediate-diameter ground terrain using its front-facing laser rangefinder,” explained IHMC Robotologist Wurlot Bong Maxomer. “ATLAS can successfully measure the required distance of a throw, the wind resistance impact on the throw, the terrain and grass’ effect on the throw ALL before completing the throw. He can calculate the ricochet off trees, small animals and his opponent’s ball to the nearest nano-inch. He does this using a pre-programmed quantum physics AlGoreRhythm. It’s really quite remarkable.”

The Google-backed ATLAS program is growing by leaps and bounds. Soon, the ATLAS will likely be able to drive a car to your house and hang out with your wife while you’re out playing golf and being a dull human.

Dr. Finance: What To Do With Too Much Money

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Never fear, Dr. Finance is here!

Money Creek, Illinois – Dr. Finance is back with another excellent reader-submitted question:

Dear Dr. Finance: My husband and I feel like we have way too much money.

What should we do to make us feel better about ourselves?

Sincerely, Mimi Gladstone

Dear Mimi, from Money Creek:

Thank you for your great question.

This is one I get a lot because of our robust economy.

Mimi, here are 20 recommendations for you and your husband if you feel you have too much money:

1. When dining out, increase your tippage (for example: on a meal that costs $50, tip $500).
2. Get 1,000 Randy Moss autographs at $84 per autograph.
3. Pay all your local TV weather forecasters to wear bright green clothing during their weather reports.
4. Start your very own NASCAR team.
5. Announce free drinks all night at a biker bar and secretly videotape the whole thing for YouTube.
6. Get addicted to eating White Truffles.
7. Buy and give a Pembroke Welsh Corgi to every person who lives near people you don’t like.
8. Sponsor nation-wide treasure hunts and give clues during paid infomercials.
9. Build your own Space Station as a nice little get-away.
10. Join multiple churches just before they begin their annual Stewardship Drives.
11. Invest in Amtrak or the United States Postal Service.
12. Call the IRS and tell them the income on your last 3 years of tax filings was grossly undereported.
13. Declare your candidancy for President of the United States and run an aggressive campaign.
14. Start your own bank and provide high-risk loans.
15. Help pay off part of the US National Debt which is over $18 Trillion.
16. Consider becoming part owner of the Dallas Cowboys.
17. Over your town, do a helicopter fly-over drop of $100 bills every weekend, like The Joker did in Batman.
18. Go shopping at your local mall and ask the Mall Manager how much for the whole place.
19. Hire Beyoncé to sing at your next birthday parties.
20. Put your money into a Living Trust and name me as the beneficiary.

BitchFest 3000 Coming To Fargo

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Think of BitchFest 3000 as a large Airing of Grievances

Think of BitchFest 3000 as a big Airing of Grievances

Fargo, ND – A new way of keeping the long-term peace is coming to Fargo.

BitchFest 3000 is way of helping people express their anger without destruction of property.

BitchFest 3000 has been proven (in lab rat testing) to reduce the general frustration level of a population by 47.8%.

If you are really pissed off by: The Diversion, Road Rage, Big Government, Bullying, Grandparents, Political Correctness, Zebra Mussels, or even your own family, please plan on attending Fargo’s BitchFest 3000.

People who pass a thorough background check can even host their own private BitchFest 3000 events.

Tiffy Barker says: “I love BitchFest 3000…and you will too!”

Bit©hFest 3000 is a registered trademarked ©opyrighted name of Bit©hFest 3000 ©orporation.

Some Rejected UND Nicknames Maybe Worth Another Look

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Sitting Bull still standing outside The Ralph

Grand Forks, ND – With the Fighting Sioux nickname being run out of town by the NCAA, the Grand Forks Herald recently made available the list of all the submitted alternative nicknames for UND.

Some of the ideas that were submitted are being considered to be finalists, and naturally, some are not. Let’s face it: not every one can be a winner.

Here is a list of the Top 20 nickname ideas submitted by sports fans which the FM Observer feels are the best ones NOT making the cut. Let’s call these the Best-of-the-Worst! They are in no particular order and followed by the fan’s explanation.

TOP 20 BEST-OF-THE-WORST UND NEW NICKNAMES:

Alcoholics Anonymous: We can share our love of alcohol with the entire community while inspiring the area to get past any problems with alcohol.

Flying Squirrels: Have you ever walked on campus? They are everywhere!

Fricking Frackers: It’s obvious. ND was headed for oblivion and then came the fracking energy boom. Fracking is paying the bills. The mascot could be the poison symbol found on toxins. Would be uniquely North Dakotan. Very catchy!

Emergency Room Werewolves: Honors the medical school while adopting a mascot which will not offend any group.

Libtards: Because Libtard Assfuckery has cost the people of ND millions so far. Why not more?

Jackalopes: The fictitious animal lobby is not very strong so this nickname should stand for a while.

Fighting Asparagus: Because UND is green and asparagus can inspire the fans. Veggies are good.

Choke Artists: Every year they can’t win a title.

Saltine Crackers: Mild, white, and underwhelming, this name aptly embodies the culture of the university.

Fighting Attorneys: UND has a great law school and students can chant Sue! Sue! Sue!

Drunk Fighting Racists: Perfectly encapsulates ALL North Dakota fans as well as being a throwback to the old Fighting Sioux nickname you insensitive assholes.

SmallPox: Because it killed the Sioux.

Zombies from UNDead: Zombies are really “IN” right now. The mascot/nickname would be EPIC!

Road Conditions: First listing when I Googled: “North Dakota”.

Land Sharks: Sharks are noble animals that defend their home territory with vigor. They don’t make sense on the Great Plains so the “Land” is added.

Moderate Muslims: Not a real thing so no one can claim offense.

Wood Ticks: How ticked off would a wood tick get if a wood tick would get ticked?

Here are a few extra submissions that apparently needed no explanation:
Backdoor Lumberjacks
Feral Farmers
Puck Sluts

Fargo’s Uber Program Offers Free One-Way Jet Rides To Anywhere

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UBER: Your Personal Pilot!

Fargo, ND – After the exciting announcement that the UBER RideShare Program was coming to Fargo, the FM Observer is excited to make another big announcement:

People from the Fargo area will be able to catch a ride to anywhere in the world via a McDonnell Douglas F/A-18 Hornet.

The good news is the ride is free.

The bad news is that it’s a one-way flight, and you’ll have to parachute down to your destination.

The UBER Hornets will take off from downtown Broadway near the Fargo Theater. Pack lightly as space is quite limited.

A typical trip to Minneapolis will take about 7-8 minutes. If you want to have a real riot and go shopping at the CVS Pharmacy in Baltimore, you’ll be there in roughly a half hour. Depending on the jet stream, Australia is only about three hours away.

Using your smartphone UBER-App, simply state where you want to go and when you want to leave, and leave the rest to your personal UBER pilot! It’s better than super. It’s super sonic!

FM Observer Asks: Do You Uber?

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Uber much?

Uber much?

Fargo, ND—With Uber ride service starting soon in Fargo, the FM Observer wonders if you, the reader, Uber? We asked a handful of friendly folks if they’ve ever Ubered or if they plan to Uber:

Whackite Chlomsburger, 47, Fargo, Air-Powered Rifle Mechanic:

“Whatever gets me to the air-powered rifle shop and back at a reasonable rate is fine by me.”

Tork Chroin, 34, Fargo, Pro Thunderball Player:

“Me and the other Thunderballers can Uber to Rooters after league gets over, go HAM, get bombed, Uber back home, pass out on our kitchen floor, then wake up and do it all over again the next day.”

Clish BaBerdink, 20, West Fargo, Skater Dude:

“Next time I double-back on a reverse-toe-ball-kick ollie-flip and split my coccyx, i’ll Uber to the ER, bro.”

Phlim Daggnip, 51, Casselton, Beard Wrangler:

“I won’t be needin’ to Uber anywhere. I do all my beard wranglin’ here at home.”

Assmarina Kyros, 27, Fargo, Follicular Transplant Specialist:

“I do consider Uber a reasonable option for immediate human transport. I will Uber. Yes, yes I will Uber very much as, via court-mandated order due to lawbreak, I have been disallowed from driving.”

Noldo Pacworlder, 44, North Fargo, Zombie Apocalypse Theorist:

“The Uberers must ready themselves for the Impenetrable Quickening. When the Great Change violently imposes itself upon the human race, safe vehicular harbor will become fully mandatory. We haven’t much time. Preparations are underway. Currently, my underground panic bunker–complete with approximately 14 years worth of both sonic and explosive weaponry, dry non-perishable goods and well water–burrows 68.75 feet underground.”

Declen Millsteff-Ghristles, 31, Fargo, Church of Satan Minister-In-Training

“With the Dark Lord’s guidance, I may deftly conjure an Uber. Whatever he deems pertinent under the laws of our cherished Necronomicon, I shalt follow. Go unto him, for Satan is God! His armies shall soon rise from the bowels of Hell to cleanse the impure. So, what are Uber’s rates?”

Do you desire to Uber? Let us know in the comments!