Fargo Debates Downtown Vomit

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Where do you stand on the vomit issue?

Fargo, ND – City officials in Fargo are urgently wondering if you think more should be done about vomit on the streets in downtown Fargo.

While some people here are understandably anti-vomitus for the struggling downtown Fargo area, others believe that vomiting in public is protected as free speech by the 1st Amendment to the United States Constitution.

“Since vomitus usually comes out of the mouth, this action is legally considered to be a form of speech, and therefore, anyone in the United States of America should be able to vomit anytime, anywhere” argues the Rev. Perry Stalsis, a well-respected vomitologist, author, and retired pastor from the Barf University Research Project (BURP).

“If we give up the right to vomit in downtown Fargo, what will be next? Urinating in Sioux Falls?” he worries.

In coming months, expect to see sickish protesters from the Fargo Free Vomitus Society working the streets in opposition to a possible proposed city ban against downtown vomitus.

Thirteen Injured at Blind Pumpkin Carving Event

A beautiful autumn day at Olafson Orchard in Hutchinson, MN quickly turned sour as several participants of a pumpkin carving contest found themselves with bloodied hands.

The event allowed blind people from the area to pick their own pumpkin and carve it with guidance from a volunteer. The jack-o-lanterns were supposed to be auctioned off with all proceeds going toward the school for the blind, but due to the amount of blood spilled, the event was cancelled early.

“I feel partially responsible,” event planner Jackie Gleeman said. “Everything was going great until we handed out the knives, then things took a turn.”

Gleeman and other volunteers watched as the participants blindly stabbed at their pumpkins, inevitably cutting their hands in the process.

“It’s like they weren’t even looking at what they were doing,” an onlooker said. “I was trying to line little Suzie up to make your standard smiling jack-o-lantern with triangle eyes, but her first cut was right into my thumb and I gave up after that.”

Fortunately, a box of SpongeBob Squarepants Band-Aids was available and many received medical attention immediately. However, the box quickly ran out, leaving the injured to fend for themselves.

“After the Band-Aids ran out I just didn’t know what to do,” Gleeman said. “Most of the pumpkins looked terrible and had blood on them, but we told the kids that they looked great.”

Of the 13 injuries, none were more serious than a small cut on the hand, but there were several on the edge of needing stitches.

Following the incident, orchard owner Pete Olafson said he was going to rethink the activities planned in upcoming months.

“Well, next weekend we had a blind pheasant hunt set up, and in the winter we were gunna try some chainsaw ice sculpting,” Olafson said. “I’m starting to think those aren’t such great ideas anymore. Maybe we will just do a hay-ride and s’mores.”

 

Child And His Parent Fail To Sell Your Cheap Ass A Magazine Subscription

MV5BMjE0NDY2MzkxNl5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwMzM5NDA5Nw@@._V1_SX640_SY720_Fargo, ND—For the third consecutive year, Tommy and his father Craig have stopped by your house unannounced to try and sell you some junk publication you’ll never read. And for the third consecutive year, your cheap ass said no.

“Hi. I was wondering if you’d like to make a small purchase? I am selling candy, popcorn, magazines–” little Tommy started out as you interrupted his opener with a stern “Not interested, thank you.”

Your penny-pinching butt wasted no time shutting down Tommy, crushing his fragile little ego in the process as his father scowled at you from behind. The look of sheer dejection on his face apparently meant nothing to you…? They were just trying to make a quick buck for their school program, you tightwad.

At press time, the Observer is predicting that you also intend on ignoring trick-or-treaters this Halloween. We will update this story as we learn more.

Lumberjack Union Working With CDC To Stop Treebola

Feverishly working to rid forests of Treebola!

Lumberjack Woody Axman feverishly working to rid forests of Treebola!

Treetop, North Carolina – Lumberjacks all across the country are wasting no time in their frantic effort to chop down any and all trees suspected of having the dangerous Treebola Virus.

According to the Center for Disease Control’s new Treebola hotline, the best and surest way to identify any trees with Treebola is to look for the telltale red leaves which may also be withering and even falling off a sickly dendrite.

To help slow the spread of Treebola, immediately chop down any trees you think may be harboring this vexing virulent virus, or call your local Lumberjack Union representative for a coordinated assistance response plan (CARP).

Gandalf Costume Sales Skyrocket As Area Dorks Prepare For Halloween

Lord of the Dorks

Lord of the Dorks

Fargo, ND – Local costume stores are reporting record sales for Halloween this year.

Top sellers include perennial favorites such as Spiderman, Snow White, and Satan, along with the usual Obama masks and kitten ears.

However, the most popular costume for Halloween 2014 is the “Gandalf”, which is flying off shelves like a wizard heading to Mordor on a giant eagle.

The FMO hit the streets to find out more.

SpookyWorld clerk, Wyatt Orcmann described the run on Gandalf costumes as “insane, dude”.

FMO: Can you expand on that?

WO: Well, like, it’s been crazy.

FMO: Yeah, we know what insane means. What’s been happening in your store?

WO: Dude, it’s like every dork in a thousand mile radio is dressing up for Halloween this year. If I have to hear “This is gonna be epic!” one more time I think I’m gonna go Ray Rice on somebody. Don’t tell my boss I said that.

FMO: Is it unusual for so many dorks to buy costumes?

WO: Yyyeeeeaaaaahhhh. Usually they just sit at home and videochat with their little chess buddies or something. Now they’re all up in my face saying crap like “Speak, friend, and enter” and “You shall not PASS!” Whatever, dude, like, go back to Hobbit Town or something, you little freak.

FMO: Interesting.

WO: Yeah, and then they get their stupid capes and wizard hats and they’re all like, “Run, you fools!” and I’m just like, good luck with your awesome college careers and great jobs someday, you little Frodo Bilbos or whatever. Seriously, man, what a bunch of dorks.

FMO: Right, dorks, got it. Well, thanks for the info, Wyatt. And Happy Halloween.

WO: Whatever, dude. I’m gonna go chill in my mom’s basement.

White House Ebola Response Team Practicing Their Craft

Ebola Response Team: Practice Makes Perfect

Ebola Response Team: Practice Makes Perfect

Washington, DC – Luckily for the American people, the White House Ebola Response Team (WHERT) is constantly practicing to improve their game.

Top key players of WHERT, including the newly named Ebola Czarina, Dr. Pam Demic, Senior Professor of Ebology from the University of Ebolia, are focusing their main efforts on playing as much golf as possible at as many different golf courses as possible in an effort to make sure that any golf course the President may want to play is a 100% Ebola-free zone.

Realizing the importance of winning the War on Ebola, each WHERT member has a special disinfected smart phone capable of calling the President at the drop of an Ebola-contaminated hat.

One hazmated WHERT member said: “We’ll allow feverish Ebola patients to board commercial airline flights but we will NOT let anyone who’s possibly been exposed to Ebola to get within 10 miles of any golf course that’s on the President’s list.”

WHERT is also working hard to ensure that any future White House intruders that wildly run through the Executive Mansion have not recently flown to the United States from Nigeria, Guinea, or Liberia in the last two months.

Dr. Pam Demic emphasizes that “WHERT will be focused on fighting Ebola so that the President can focus his attention on jobs, the economy, and making sure golfing is safe for all future generations of anyone who survives this untimely and unfortunate Ebola pandemic.”

Vin Diesel Scares Off Potential Ebola Infection

vin-diesel-teases-meeting-with-marvel-138321-a-1372313733-470-75Dallas, TX—Certifiably intimidating screen actor Vin Diesel, in Dallas filming the newest installment of The Fast & Furious movie franchise, has reportedly stonewalled a potential ebola infection.

Diesel, who we’re all aware that if you rearrange the letters in his name it reveals his credo: I END LIVES, apparently came into close contact with an ambulance containing the nurse who got infected with ebola a few days ago. As the ambulance rolled past the closed-off streetside action scene, big Vin caught a whiff of the ebola and sneered in its direction, instantly scaring it far away from himself and his fellow cast and crew members.

“Vinny intimidated the ebola into submission, man,” said co-star Michelle Rodriguez. “That ebola never had a chance, man.”

Diesel has thus far been able to keep cast and crew immune to the virus during their stay in Dallas.

Fast & Furious 7 is scheduled for release in April 2015.

FDA Approves Ebola Vaccine Drink: Coca-Bola

Drink Coca-Bola!

Drink Coca-Bola!

Washington, D.C. – Amidst a rising tide of panic over the deadly ebola virus threat, the FDA has fast-tracked an experimental vaccine drink for mass public consumption.

Coca-Bola, which promises instant immunity against the horrific disease, will soon be widely available for all ages.

Individuals who don’t get the recommended daily allowance of soda in their diet are urged to drink as much of the serum as possible for maximum benefits. All other groups are advised simply, “Drink one can for every extra day you want to add to your life expectancy.”

FDA spokesperson Polly Tikker stated, “The United States government, in cooperation with the CDC, has been working nonstop to ensure the safety of our citizens against the impending armageddon of widespread ebola infection. When Coca-Cola executives stepped up and offered to join the fight for America’s health, it was a total no-brainer. Our confidence in the company was what allowed us to bypass all usual precautionary testing and just focus on saving the human race. As we say behind closed doors, when you’ve got the FDA and Coke in your corner, public health is no longer a concern.”

Since the groundbreaking formula for Coca-Bola is considered classified under the Homeland Security of Big Business Act, the FDA will not require its ingredients to be printed on labels. However, a government-sponsored ad campaign for Coca-Bola assures consumers by touting, “Drink a can of this, no bleeding orifice!” Insiders believe the slogan will be enough to erase, or at least obfuscate, any concerns about the product’s claims, side effects, or toxicity levels.

For more information, visit:
www.coca-bola.org/itsgoodforyou/sucker/oops/noreally/youcantrustus

Wear Pink To Show Support For The NFL

Think Pink

Think Pink

Pink, Oklahoma – In case you didn’t receive the memo, all football fanatics are supposed to wear something pink every day to show their support for the NFL.

If you don’t have anything pink to wear, then just wash something white with something red.

Pink is the color of compassion, understanding, unconditional love, and the giving and receiving of nurturing.

These are some of the positive values with which the NFL is quickly trying to associate itself.

Coach Lovie Smith is a good example of someone who cares about people rather than just trying to win at any cost.

Lovie says: “Pink is intuitive and insightful, showing tenderness and kindness with empathy and sensitivity.”

Even tho the NFL can seem rather violent at times, it wants to highlight its other more caring side, which may often go overlooked. Many recent rule changes are trying to do more to protect players as well as their spouses or significant others from bodily harm.

Lovie says: “In color psychology, pink is a sign of hope. It is a positive color inspiring warm and comforting feelings, a sense that everything will be okay.”

The NFL hopes that its Think Pink Program will help improve its image throughout the land and get the focus back onto what is really important: Winning a Super Bowl and raking in all its associated advertisement revenue!

Weeping Christ Statue Feared To Have Ebola Virus

weeping1791Milaria, Italy—As the ebola pandemic continues to build steam, countries across the globe are showing concern. The Observer has learned that a recent discovery of a weeping-blood statue of Jesus is feared to contain the deadly infection.

A small village in Italy is in an uproar as a masterpiece statue hanging within their local church was recently seen weeping tears of red. “Gesu Di Galilea” (Jesus of Galilee), Milarian locals fear, has contracted the ebola virus.

Worshippers won’t go into or near the church for fear of catching ebola and blood-crying their own eyes out. “We make effort to stay away. Christ possessed…very deadly…infection may occur,” says local priest Mario Bamatomelli. “Why must God give infection to Christ?? Why we must live in fear of asshole blood? Gesu Di Galilea, ti prego, eliminare questo germe mortale!!