Fargo Man Seriously Injured In Giant Jenga Accident

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Jenga Jeopardy

Jenga Jeopardy

Fargo, ND – A fun night with friends took a terrifying turn after a Giant Jenga game suddenly collapsed, authorities say.

Fargo firefighters rescued local resident, Pete Saykes from the pile of Giant Jenga pieces around 2 a.m., about an hour after his last turn.

Friends remember that he seemed nervous and unsure about which piece to pull from the Jenga tower. “Pete just looked kind of freaked out,” said witness Jeremy Johnson. “He was walking around the game with this confused expression, almost like he knew something bad was going to happen.”

Another friend recalls Mr. Saykes having “a really hard time pulling his block out.” Seconds later, he was nearly buried alive.

Police say Pete Saykes was fortunate to survive the accident, and remind citizens to read the directions carefully when playing large-scale games.

The FMO was able to contact Giant Jenga’s creator, Uncle Leroy, in his shed behind the site of the accident. When asked about the incident, Uncle Leroy just stared at us for about a minute before walking away. He is presumed to still be in shock.

At press time, Mr. Saykes was reported to be “alive, but questionable”.

Consider Giving Komodo Dragons For Christmas

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Make this the best Christmas ever!

Dragoon, AZ – Are you looking to give your loved ones a Christmas gift to show how much you cherish their existence in your life? Consider giving them a full-grown Komodo Dragon.

Would you like to give your sworn enemies something to scare the shih tzu out of them once and for all? Consider giving them a full-grown Komodo Dragon.

Have you been looking for a solution to the barking little dog problem next door? Consider releasing a full-grown Komodo Dragon into their fenced-in back yard.

If you’re a lizardophile and like things large, the Komodo Dragon is unparalleled in the large lizard category.

With some growing up to ten feet long, just imagine the reaction you’ll get when you chase down Mr. Road Rager who flipped you off at the last intersection and who now gets to meet your 200 pound pet.

For a nice side income, consider breeding the Komodo Dragons and selling their young. The normal life span of these prehistoric creatures is about 30 years so there’s a lot of time to get attached to these fun carnivores who can swallow a goat in about fifteen minutes.

Vote YES On Ballot Measure 11: Make FMO The Official Website Of North Dakota

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Where the urinal?

Where’s the urinal?

Bismarck, ND – If you care about the future of North Dakota, like we do, then make sure to vote YES on Measure #11!

This important ballot measure would make the FM Observer the official website of the state of North Dakota forever.

It would also take 1% of the oil extraction revenue and give it to the FM Observer to “do with as it wishes”.

Many have praised the FM Observer for its recent cutting-edge coverage of the Ebola Pandemic as well as the latest on the Downtown Fargo Vomit issue.

If you want good things to happen that will positively affect you and your family, vote YES on Measure 11.

If you don’t want your family to be living out of a box behind Walmart, vote YES on Measure 11.

If you want to show your appreciation to the FM Observer, as do most sane people living in North Dakota, vote YES on Measure 11.

Measure 11 is as important as Measure 5 and Measure 6 combined.

If you cannot find Measure 11 on your voting ballot, immediately cry foul and call for a complete investigation of that voting precinct, with a serious threat of a lawsuit.

Vote for Measure 11 to get whatever you want, for free, and delivered to your front door, no questions asked.

ND Measure 9 To Ban Happy Marriages

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Measure 9 is right after Measure 8

Fargo, ND – Due to an avalanche of misleading language, hidden agendas and incompetent proofreaders, North Dakota’s midterm elections will now include a ballot measure that would outlaw all happy marriages.

Measure 9 reads:

This constitutional measure would create and enact a new section to Article Q of the North Dakota Constitution stating, “The inalienable right of every human being to have a miserable marriage at any stage of that marriage must be recognized and protected. No happy, joyous, or blissful domestic union may be recognized as a marriage without an appropriate level of misery.”

“Voters need to understand that the wording of Measure 9 is condensed and simplified for voting day efficiency,” claims Measure 9 sponsor Joe Straitt. “We don’t want folks worrying about the legal consequences of the language, that’s our job. Just have faith that we know what’s best for North Dakotans and their personal relationships. Yes on 9!”

An inside source admits, “Measure 9 has been rewritten so many times, no one can really remember what the original purpose of it was. We just keep supporting it because…well, what else are we going to do with all these posters, flyers, mailers, buttons, signs, flags, banners, pens, mugs, t-shirts and key chains? We’re invested here. Maybe not in a better future, but invested all the same.”

Early polling suggests that Measure 9 is gaining support from voters who identify themselves as “Ball-And-Chain Independents”. Stay tuned to The FMO for up-to-the-minute results.

NASA Reducing Its Goal To Just Being Able To Successfully Launch A Rocket

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NASA’s Antares Rocket Wallops An Island Off Virginia

Wallops Island, VA – Despite an apparent ‘glitch’ during take-off, NASA is saying that everything is under control and that no one should have any reason for concern.

Even though many on-lookers witnessed an alleged explosion during the attempted launch of the NASA Antares Rocket, government officials are down-playing the event as a possible ‘abnormal termination’.

Because of this, however, the future goals for the NASA space program could soon be lowered. Rather than shooting to return humans to the moon by 2020 and sending a manned mission to Mars by 2030, NASA is considering changing its goal to just being able to successfully launch a rocket into space without it blowing up on the launchpad.

A NASA spokesperson spoke: “By changing our blueprint for future deep space exploration, we are better aligning our goals with the true capabilities of a governmental agency to effectually bring a mission to a successful conclusion.”

The good news is that even though the U.S. has become totally dependent on the Russians to get us to and from the International Space Station ever since our own Space Shuttle program was ended in 2011, we luckily have maintained a great relationship with our friendly Russian allies.

Fanatical Mathematical Radical Goes On Problematical Sabbatical

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What is the square root of apple pi?

Fargo, ND – An overly-zealous Fargo math teacher has been suspended from teaching.

Students in Mr. Cal Cuelator’s third grade class had been complaining of having a steady heavy load of math homework assignments.

Parents of these students also were bitching about the unusually large workload their kids were bringing home every night.

Apparently the parents were being asked by their children to help figure out increasingly difficult math word problems.

Ms. Shirley Buxom: “These word problems Timmy was asking me to help him with started out at the add and subtract level but somehow quickly moved to the college calculus level! How the hell is my little Timmy supposed to figure out the decreasing rate of gravitational pull on a fricking weather balloon that’s ascending at an average rate of 32 feet per second per second?!”

When asked about his teaching methods, Cal argued: “I am simply trying to prepare these children for the real world where they will have to compete for jobs with kids from other countries in order to bring home the bacon.”

For now, Mr. Cuelator has been suspended with partial pay for a finite amount of time. However, he is fighting the School Board on just how that partial pay is calculated and the finiteness of the suspension period.

On a daily basis, School Board members are being mailed to their homes example word problems demonstrating the resulting differences in pay calculation methods and their effects on the long-term outcomes of total pay depending on the number of months involved, which they are then asked to mail back to Mr. Cal Cuelator so he can check their work for accuracy.

Clever ‘Calibration Errors’ Ensure Democrat Victories In Every Political Race

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It's not voter fraud if it favors the Democrats.

It’s not voter fraud if it favors the Democrats.

Washington, DC – Even if no Democrats show up to vote in the upcoming state and national elections, Republicans better be ready to lose each and every political race in the country.

Democrat community organizers have cleverly rigged all the voting machines in every voting district to register any Republican votes as Democrat votes.

For any Democrats that do show up to vote, each vote that’s actually entered for a Democrat candidate will automagically be duplicated by a special multiplier factor that is specifically, scientifically, and strategically set by the Democrat Party for each voting district.

By rigging each voting machine to only register votes for Democrats, this eliminates the need for the IRS to target troublesome conservative Tea Party groups.

By ridding the U.S. House of Representatives of all Republicans, and increasing the Democrat’s control of the U.S. Senate, this will free Washington of all that paralyzing gridlock so that President Obola can fully implement his “Lean To The Left” transformational agenda for America during his last two years in office.

So, don’t forget to get out and vote early and often in the upcoming elections. What matters is that you do your civil duty to cast your ballot. What doesn’t matter is for whom you vote. That’s already been taken care of.

NFL Reveals Diagnosis to Peyton Manning

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One of Manning’s tics called “Fishing”

After keeping the diagnosis under wraps for nearly a decade the NFL finally told Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning he has Tourette’s syndrome.

The league’s biggest secret was first discovered in 2005 when Indianapolis Colts head coach Tony Dungy noticed Manning’s unusual behavior at the line of scrimmage. The symptoms began as a mere foot stomp, but as the years progressed Manning started shouting random words that had no meaning to the offense.

“What really tipped me off was when he started flapping his arms like a bird,” Dungy said. “That had no meaning to our offense and threw us off for a few games, but I told the rest of the offense to ignore him and we went on to have a pretty good season.”

Dungy invited Tourette’s specialist Beth Grundstad to a home game to watch Manning. Grundstad immediately noticed the symptoms and diagnosed the quarterback on the spot.

“Common symptoms of this syndrome are flapping the arms, hopping, touching other people, repeating words or phrases and barking among other things,” she said. “Peyton was doing all of those on almost every play. There was no question he was on the Tourette’s spectrum, but Tony asked me to keep it quiet because they were doing so well.”

The diagnosis reached the NFL’s front office sometime in 2008, but the higher-ups decided it was better for the game if Manning continued on the path he was on.

“Peyton was playing outstanding football and we couldn’t take away from him or the league,” executive Paul Cornston said. “As years went his tics became more frequent and we felt compelled to tell him. Finally, we decided that after he broke Brett Favre’s record we would break the news.”

Since 2008, several people have threatened to break the news to Manning. In 2011, Manning suffered a career-threatening neck injury from whipping his head back and forth. In 2014, as the Broncos made their way to the Superbowl, fans demanded to know exactly what “Omaha” meant, but Manning refused to give a practical answer.

“Omaha is a city in Nebraska,” he said with a stupid smile on his face.

Sadly, he was being dead serious.

After Manning threw his 510th career touchdown, coach John Fox finally sat Manning down, went over some film and broke the news.

“I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, OMAHA,” Manning said. “APPLE, I thought I was changing the play at the line, but it turns out I was just slapping my linemen’s asses for no reason and, APPLE APPLE, yelling at people.”

With the diagnosis out in the open, coach Fox is worried about the impact it will have on the rest of the season. For years, defenses have been changing their schemes to counter Manning’s audibles, but now that they know his tics are meaningless they are sure to adjust.

“Between Dungy and I, I think we milked this as far as we could,” Fox said. “Now, defenses will know just to ignore his shouting and flailing and focus on how our offense is lined up.”

Downtown Project Seeks To Turn Street Vomit Into Barf Art

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Barf Art

Downtown Fargo Barf Art

Fargo, ND – The growing problem of vomit in the streets of downtown Fargo due to late-night binge drinkers has had city leaders’ stomachs churning for some time. However, a local group of forward-thinkers believe they have the solution: Barf Art.

With a project dubbed, “Regurgitation Appreciation: Let People Hurl”, or RALPH, the group proposes that downtown streets and sidewalks be covered in large white sheets of paper which people can barf all over, Jackson Pollock-style. The paper will then be collected, dried, framed, and put up for auction.

Proceeds from the Barf Art sales will likely benefit someone, but those details have yet to be released.

“Great art always elicits an emotional response,” explains project leader Chuck Upton. “Based on that idea, we think these pieces will be appropriately viewed as brilliant. For collectors in search of a statement piece, Barf Art will be organic and bold, yet intensely intimate. Struggling to find a gift for the person who has everything? Well, guess what? They don’t have Barf Art.”

Downtown bars and restaurants are being encouraged to contribute to the RALPH project by offering happy hour specials on drinks made with colorful liquors. Raspberry Kamikazes and Blue Hawaiians create drama and vibrancy in the art, while Bailey’s Irish Cream drinks add a subtle earthiness.

Free bar snacks, such as peanuts, pretzels, or chips and salsa will also be welcomed for their texture-rich qualities.

“We still have a few logistical snags to work out, but overall we’re super excited about the RALPH project,” raved Upton. “Our hope is that someday people all over the world will see barf on a wall and just know immediately…It’s Downtown Fargo!”

Downtown Business Owners Looking to Curb Curb-Vomit

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no_puking_320The prevalence of vomit on city sidewalks has locals concerned.

Fargo, ND—In case you haven’t been downtown lately, or have been downtown but have not yet encountered a lurching pile of partially-digested filth on the sidewalk, the walk down Broadway is facing an issue that it would like to curb….or UN-curb, permanently. There’s an ongoing problem of vomit on downtown-area sidewalks.

Sidewalk hurler Gnaph Lurchfellow makes no bones about it: “I walk by Sweeto at 2 a.m. after bar close…what am I supposed to do? NOT buy a burrito, crush it, then throw it and the fourteen irish carbombs I slammed earlier up??”

Whose fault is it? Bars and restaurants are quick to deflect blame. “Nobody’s forcing that Sweeto Burrito down your throat and back out again,” says Sweeto cashier Dovio Flexano.

“We serve alcohol. Too much of that stuff can make you sick. We reserve the right to refuse service to those who look barfy,” says Rooters bartender Xyler Moleyhorse. “Once they leave the front doors, there’s not much else we can do.”

NO VOMITING signs are to be strategically placed next to the NO FORNICATING and NO MICTURATING signs on area street corners until this issue is both curbed and un-curbed, for good.