Changing and Falling Leaves Concern EPA

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leavesEnvironmental Officer Carl Carlson watched in horror as hundreds of leaves in Munsinger Gardens in St. Cloud seemingly jumped from their branches and floated silently to the ground.

Carlson is among many Environmental Protection Agency officers studying the gruesome leaf behavior that began in mid-September. The initial shock came when certain types of trees exhibited spots of red, yellow and orange coloration. Now, as the leaves plummet to their death, the officer’s worst fear has been confirmed.

“This is without a doubt a cry for help,” Carlson said. “I’ve been researching tree behavior in central Minnesota for 20 years and I’ve never seen anything like it. Obviously, it has something to do with global warming or that darn polar vortex. Either way, it’s a man-made problem and we must do everything we can to correct it.”

While Carlson searches for the source of this problem, tree-loving citizens of St. Cloud are organizing a last-ditch effort to remedy the situation.

“We’ve asked hundreds of volunteers to grab a can of green paint, a ladder and some tape,” project leader Art Murray said. “One by one, we are going to paint these leaves green and put them back where they belong. Just yesterday we fixed an poor maple tree whose leaves turned a disgusting orange color and fell all over the ground.”

The recovery project is slow and extremely dangerous, as several volunteers have fallen from their ladders, but continues on despite the overwhelming task at hand.

“I know we are doing the right thing, but it seems like for every leaf I tape back on the tree three more fall in its place,” volunteer Tom Bombodil said. “I got involved when my oak tree got sick and turned yellow. It started spitting leaves all over my yard, and then the neighborhood kids raked them into a pile and started jumping in them like some sort of game. I’d never been so ashamed in my life.”

90-year St. Cloud resident Sven Olafson claims the leaves acted this way in the 1930’s and there is nothing to worry about, but his black and white photographs weren’t enough to convince the EPA.

“This seems like a local problem right now, but wait a couple weeks,” the EPA announced in an official statement. “We predict that soon the epidemic will spread and leaves all over the Midwest will get sick and die. While recovery projects like the one in St. Cloud are a good start, we need to find the root of this problem and fix it.”

Student Annoys Class with Runny Nose

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runny noseRoseville, MN — Students of Gretta Jurcak’s sixth period math class exchanged eye-rolls as classmate Andy Struum sniffled his runny nose for nearly an hour.

Struum’s snorting began midway through third period and continued through lunch and into his final class. As the day progressed, so did the severity of the sniffle, beginning as a tickle and evolving into a full blown gusher. By the final minutes of math, Struum was sucking up snot once every ten seconds.

“It was very distracting for both me and the students,” Jurcak said. “How am I supposed to concentrate on my lesson plan when I can see and hear the snot yo-yoing from his face?”

As Struum refused to use a Kleenex or excuse himself for a bathroom break, Jurcak’s students glared and silently cursed at their classmate.

“I thought I was going to throw up,” student Brad Cheile said. “I was sitting right in front of him and could hear him breathing through his mouth and snorting the whole time. One more minute of class and I would have turned around and told him to blow his friggen nose.”

While many students suffer from nose-blowing anxiety, fearing that they will be bullied for getting up during class to use a Kleenex, few hold out as long as Struum. Horton Jahn deals with yearly bouts of ragweed allergies, but has a system to prevent being “that guy.”

“I find a spot in the back of f the room and sniffle as quietly as possible,” Jahn said. “Then, during passing time, I blow my nose in the bathroom with one of those scratchy brown towels. That usually gets me through the first half of class, but sometimes I resort to wiping my nose with my hand or sleeve — anything to prevent actually using a Kleenex.”

Struum used none of Jahn’s tactics, making the already unpopular sixth period class an hour from hell. After the bell, Struum was kept after class and lectured by Jurcak for being so inconsiderate.

“I guess I didn’t even realize I had a runny nose,” Struum said. “I spent all day thinking about my fantasy football lineup just like very other day. Honestly, I thought people were staring at me because they were trying to read my awesome Charlie Brown t-shirt. If they wanted me to blow my nose they could have asked.”

 

New Green Shoes Designed To Lessen Carbon Footprints

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New shoes scientifically designed to save the planet

New shoes scientifically designed to save the planet

Greenspring, PA – The Federal Government, secretly working in conjunction with Algore, has designed a new Green Shoe to help lessen each person’s carbon footprints.

Here are some important facts you need to know about Algore’s New Green Shoes:

  • Scientifically designed by Algore to reduce carbon footprints
  • Guaranteed to save Planet Earth from Global Warming
  • Wearing these shoes will show you care about important issues
  • Styled for both men, women, and transexuals
  • One size fits all
  • All shoes are either made in America or China
  • No persons with Ebola have touched these shoes
  • Price per pair is $200 for Democratics and Independents
  • Price per pair is $350 for rich Republicans
  • Mandatory purchase date is January 1, 2017
  • Sign up for your pair at Healthcare.Gov to avoid stiff penalties

Fargo Man Blissfully Unaware of Terrorist Group Known As ISIS

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ISIL_ISIS_IRAQ_ISIL-Convoy_LD

non-rockers

Fargo, ND—A local man is completely oblivious to the existence of the Islamist State of Iraq and Syria, more commonly known by news media consumers as “ISIS”.

“The progressive-metal band? They wrote a few good songs I guess,” said Junto Voltgasm, when asked what his thoughts were on ISIS. “I’m more of a groove metal fan, though.” He seemed totally unaware of the Islamist terrorist organization.

When we showed him the heavily-circulated videos of ISIS sawing off the heads of those they’ve captured, he became visibly ill. He was even more sickened upon learning that ISIS drives the same brand of Toyota pickup he does.

Voltgasm expressed no desire to further his awareness of Iraq’s roving band of psycho-jihadists. “I would have been fine not knowing anything about this non-rocking version of ISIS. Why doesn’t the government just handle them behind the scenes without telling us?? I don’t need to be scared out of my pants every time I watch the news.”

Ghost Convention To Be Held In Fargo, North Dakota

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Ghost convention coming to Fargo!

Fargo, ND – Living organizers of the International Ghost Convention have just announced that the next International Ghost Convention will be held in Fargo, North Dakota on Monday night, October 31st, or as most spiritual beings call it: Halloween.

Because of the large number of ghastly ghosts expected to attend, the Fargodome has been selected to be the haunted hang-out to house all these haughty hobgoblins.

Casper the friendly ghost, along with his uncles, the Ghostly Trio, have been asked to emcee this eerie event.

This annual convening of ghosts will officially begin at eight o’clock (post meridiem) and will gho until just before sunrise on Saturday morning, November 1st, when all the attendees will be heading back to their spirit world.

Fargodome staffers will need time on Saturday morning to clean up and set up for the NDSU football game in which the Bizon will be hosting the feral jackrabbits from South Dakota State University.

Update: Any brave trick-or-treaters are invited to come and join the fun. This would be a great chance to see the ghost version of the Fargo Airshow!

Meditation Tents One Way To Combat Stress From Mosquitos

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Using the power of the pyramid to fight off the nasty needle-nosers.

West Fargo, ND – Have you been wanting to meditate in your back yard but just could not because a thousand mosquitoes wanted to suck your blood?

The FM Observer feels your pain and offers a simple answer to your problem: The Jungle Meditation Tent!

This is something you can buy, build, or borrow. However you procure it, it will cure your problem.

Hundreds of backyard meditators in the West Fargo area who’ve gotten fed up with the mosquito feeding frenzies they’ve recently witnessed are now safely and calmly chanting their mantras mosquito-free thanks to their Jungle Meditation Tents.

For additional help to win the fight against those mosquito terrorists, here is another possible solution you can try.

Mix up the following concoction for a hose-end spray bottle to effectively drive away mosquitoes: 1/3 stale beer (any kind), 1/3 Epsom salt, and 1/3 mouth wash (with alcohol).

Put the mixture in your garden feeder and spray down your lawn, bushes, patios and any areas that look suspicious for those breeding blood suckers.

This solution could smell a little funny at first, but quickly dissipates, leaving your yard mosquito-free and meditation-friendly!

UPDATE: For more good information on this subject, please visit: Best Mosquito Repellent Guide: How to Efficiently Prevent Mosquito Bites

Civilian Trumpet Militia Groups Now Forming In Your Area

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Do you have a horn? Would you like to blow your horn?

Do you have a horn? Would you like to blow your horn?

Anytown, USA – An exciting new grass-roots organization is now starting new chapters in your area. The Civilian Trumpet Militia is being formed in all 57 states of the USA.

If you have ever played a trumpet which might be idly resting in your basement, this is a great opportunity to get involved in something that could change the course of history and blow people’s minds.

The Trumpet Militia could be called upon at any time to: defend the country, protect our borders, quell a prison riot, or even march in a parade.

Here are some motivational quotes from our Founding Fathers who felt strongly about this subject:

Patrick Henry: “The people have a right to keep and blow trumpets. Everyone who is able might join a trumpet militia.”

Thomas Jefferson: “No free person shall ever be debarred the use of a trumpet. A strong body makes the mind strong. While a trumpet gives moderate exercise to the body, it gives boldness, enterprise and independence to the mind.”

Richard Henry Lee: “A trumpet militia, when properly formed, is in fact the people themselves and includes anyone capable of blowing a trumpet.”

James Madison: “A well regulated trumpet militia, composed of the people, trained to blow, is the best and most natural defense of a free country.”

Bags Of Money Hidden All Over The FM Area

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Look for bags of money secretly hidden throughout the Fargo/Moorhead/West Fargo area!

Fargo, ND – Have you ever dreamt of finding a bag full of money? Could you and your family use some extra cash before the holiday season rolls around? Do you like searching for hidden treasures?

An unnamed benefactor who wishes to remain anonymous (but who loves the movie Fargo) wants to hide bags of cash all around the Fargo area for some lucky beneficiaries to find.

The amounts of cash in each bag will vary, but none of them could be considered to be a small sum of money. Apparently each person who finds a bag o’ cash will be “quite surprised” to see what they’ve found.

The IRS would like to remind each winner that local, state, and federal taxes will need to be paid on these amounts just as large casino winnings are subject to taxes.

Good luck to all and hopefully you (or someone who’s in a sharing mood with you) finds one of these cleverly hidden bags of large denomination federal reserve notes.

Woman Denies Ring, Wants Something Shinier

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ringMinneapolis, MN — Lucy Bricklow of Minneapolis rejected her would-be fiancé’s proposal claiming the 57 thousand dollar, 3.06 carat diamond engagement just wasn’t shiny enough to woo her.

Bricklow, hailing from the prestigious Minnetonka lakes area, said even though her boyfriend is still paying off college debt by working at Arby’s, the ring wasn’t shiny or expensive enough to keep her interested. The pair is undergoing couples’ counseling, but hasn’t found a solution to their problem.

“I just don’t know what else I can do,” said boyfriend Melvin Ruetgers. “I’ve been working my ass off since high school to pay for this ring. If this isn’t shiny or expensive enough, then I don’t know what is.”

Bricklow insists she made it clear from day on of the relationship that she wouldn’t settle for anything less than a 3.1 carat ring, but Ruetgers thought otherwise.

“I thought once she saw the ring I bought her should would be blown away,” he said. “But apparently she is looking for something worth more than two years of my salary.”

Both grew up in Minnetonka, a wealthy suburb of the Twin Cities, but while Bricklow enjoyed a beautiful house on the lake, Ruetgers started working at an early age to put himself through college. Ruetgers insists that the ring cleaned out his entire life savings, but Bricklow believes he should have done better.

“There are things shinier than diamonds,” she said. “I’ve seen the movies. He could have bought a ring set with Unobtainium or Arkenstone. Literally, when I looked at the ring I thought ‘this literally isn’t shiny enough to make me say yes.'”

While Ruetgers argued that diamond is “literally” the shiniest material on planet Earth, Bricklow refused to believe it, and “literally” threatened to unload his ass.

“I have worked too hard to make him propose to me,” Bricklow said. “I put my make up on one layer at a time like every other woman. By the time I get it all on, I’m exhausted and all I want is to drink a couple bottles of wine and relax for the night — but then, my boyfriend lays this crap on me. It’s like, what the hell Melvin? I just wish you would apply yourself.”

Despite recent turbulence the couple has remained together, citing a deep foundation as their key to success.

“Lucy is just so nice and down-to-earth,” Ruetgers said. “I couldn’t imagine a day without her freshly bronzed face beating down on mine. Honestly, I think the UV rays from her daily tanning sessions make me tanner too, and I thank her every day for that.”

Bricklow had similar comments, but with a completely opposite message through an unbearably sarcastic tone. Between complaints, she had a few nice things to say.

“Me and Melv have been going out for a long time,” she said.

 

Apple iDine Designs Leaked

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appleCupertino, CA — As excitement builds for the release of the iPhone 6, Apple software designer John Feltzbar accidentally released plans for the iDine collection scheduled to go on sale next summer.

iDine will consist of three revolutionary new products that will surely change the way the world eats in coming years: the iPlate, iCup and iChair. No longer will iDine users rely on their own discretion before over-eating or drinking. The technology monitors the temperature and exact amount of food and drink consumed by the user, and can even identify what the user is eating.

Apple secretly began testing in March, 2013, but those lucky enough to test the new products were so impressed that they couldn’t keep their mouths shut.

“It was amazing,” guinea pig Marc Ulrik said. “I sat in the chair and it told me exactly how much I weighed — I mean, who thinks of this stuff. Then, after devouring a plate of meatballs, the iPlate told me that I just ate too much meatballs and my blood pressure was probably going to rise. This is life saving stuff, man.”

While the iDine is meant to help Americans track their eating habits and realize how insanely much they over-eat, Apple’s testing sessions showed that users actually ate and drank more when using iDine.

“It was like playing Angry Birds when it first came out,” lab rat Lindsey Hiltin said. “Once I started eating off the iPlate and drinking out of the iCup I just couldn’t stop, it was addicting.”

The only useful information Apple gained from testing was from a 6-year-old boy who said “iCup” really means “I see you pee.” Even after becoming aware of this phenomenon Apple kept the name anyway, with the confidence that no one would catch on.

Following the release of the iCup designs, Coors Brewing Company filed a lawsuit over stolen intellectual property. Coors claims Apple stole the idea to have a cup that shows the temperature of the liquid inside.

“What do you think it means when the mountains turn blue on a Coors can?” Coors Spokesmen Carl Beamer asked. “It means that your beer is either cold or super cold. If that’s not telling the temperature then I don’t know what is.”

Apple retorted by saying “cold” and “super cold” aren’t actual temperatures, but refused to comment further.

While rumors fly back-and-forth after the release of the designs, it seems the only voice not heard recently is that of information leaker himself. Feltzbar has not been seen or heard from since releasing the information. Apple only had this to say:

“Apple employee John Feltzbar has been relocated to the Apple farm.”