Fargo Leaders Considering Allowing Chicken Fighting

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Chicken fighting is more popular that soccer.

Chicken fighting is more popular than soccer.

Fargo, ND – City Commissioners will soon be deciding whether or not to allow chicken fighting within city limits.

A number of residents have been pushing for the legalization of chicken fighting. They contend that world-wide, chicken fighting as a sport, is more popular than soccer.

With a growing number of people now living in Fargo who are from foreign countries where chicken fighting is as common as eggs and bacon, Fargo leaders will try to clarify existing laws as they relate to this exciting sport.

Proponents believe that chicken fighting would be a great addition to other city sports such as the Fargo Farce hockey team, the FM Roller Derby squad, and the FM Redhawks baseballers.

Residents against city-sanctioned chicken fighting argue that it is just cock-fighting with another name. They believe that dog fighting and mud wrestling would soon follow through incrementalism.

If you would like to see the Fargo City Commissioners vote YES for chicken fighting, please feel free to attend upcoming meetings, step up to the microphone and express your thoughts and opinions on this impotent matter.

Many Fargo Homes Choosing To Go “Off The Grid”

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How safe is our national power grid?

Fargo, ND – Have you been considering becoming independent from the local power grid and avoiding those monthly bills? Did a large branch just fall in your backyard and wipe out your power lines and you’re wondering what to do? Would you like to be able to survive a national power grid crisis while others sit in the dark?

Well, you’re not alone. Many of your neighbors are taking some easy steps to enjoy life “off the grid”:

Go with 2×6 wall studs, good insulation and 4×8 plywood panels. Slope all plumbing back towards a drain or cistern.

Get yourself a couple of 170 watt solar panels on top, the right batteries in protected storage underneath, a good charge controller, a 2kw inverter, lots of fluorescents and LEDs, a ceiling fan, 12V water pump from a cistern, propane hot water and stove, an in-wall fanless propane heater with a thermostat for those nights when you don’t want to stoke the airtight wood stove, and a 30 gallon propane tank. Be able to turn everything on with a couple of switches.

Your “off the grid” system will act just like a house on the grid, including toaster, microwave, coffee maker, vacuum cleaner and all (used judiciously to conserve power).

Commissioner Goodell Eliminating Running Back Position

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Commissioner Roger Goodell

Following the recent events involving NFL running backs Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson, commissioner Roger Goodell has decided to outlaw running backs and hand-offs with an amendment to the league’s constitution.

The new rule states that “No offensive player can be behind the quarterback prior to the snap” and “There can be no hand-offs of any kind. All exchanges of the ball must be from a distance of three feet or greater.”

Goodell realizes the amendment will completely change the game of football, but insists that his decision was made with intention of making the league safer and more exciting.

“I spent almost twenty minutes in deep thought before signing off on the new rules,” Goodell said. “With all the media attention after recent incidents I just needed a way to make everyone stop asking me questions. Plus, I always thought running plays were boring anyway.”

Goodell decision was also influenced by the research of neurologist Bryce Buma, who claims that when large people run into each other at full speed it tends to hurt their brains.

“Most tackles in the NFL are equivalent to crashing your car at 40 miles per hour,” Buma said. “Running backs like Rice and Peterson get hit at least 25 times a week which has severely damaged their brains, namely the madula oblongata which controls anger and jealousy.”

The changes will first be enforced on week six when the Vikings and Packers match-up on Thursday, October 2.  Teams will be allowed to keep their running backs but must play them at different positions. Packers head coach Mike McCarthy released his plans for running back Eddie Lacy.

“With a big guy like Eddie, it would be a shame not to have him on the field,” McCarthy said. “We’ll have him practice at linebacker for a while and see how he does. If that doesn’t work, he will have a spot on special teams.”

Some former backs will become receivers, corners or tight ends, but many will be out of a job when the rule is in effect. Pittsburgh Steelers running back Le’Veon Bell is one of these unlucky runners.

“I’m bummed man, real bummed,” Bell said. “I just had the game of my life while I was supposed to be suspended and now I’m out of a job. It ain’t fair man.”

While many viewers and fantasy football players are outraged, NFL legend John Madden remains optimistic for the future of football.

“You see, there’s two teams and each team is trying to score more points than the other,” Madden said. “At the end of the game, one team will have more points than the other, and BOOM, they win.”

Fargo College Game Day Crowd Swells To A Million

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Unexpected large crowd surprises everyone

Unexpected large crowd surprises everyone

Fargo, ND – ESPN’s College Game Day program was expected to attract a large crowd but nobody knew exactly how large it would be.

One policeman said: “I think everyone from the state of North Dakota is here! And they each must have brought a few friends. This is quite crazy!”

One loyal fan in the crowd who camped out overnight admitted: “This downtown football party is overshadowing the actual football game in the Fargodome.”

The NDSU “Bisons” are favored to stampede the Incarnate Word Cardinals by 72 points.

Corrections

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This morning, an article about Ray and Janay Rice filing a civil lawsuit against the Atlantic City casino elevator manufacturer did not get published due to it being a complete and utter waste of cyberspace.

We apologize in retrospect for this error.

—

This November 30th, we will be publishing an article that contains the following mistake:

“Eyewitnesses confirm that the man was openly fiddling with his wiener in broad daylight.”

We will be correcting this article to more accurately state that the man was “playing with his store-bought wienerschnitzel amongst the presence of onlookers.”

We apologize in advance for this error.

—

If you, the reader, notice any errors or corrections you’d like to bring to our attention, please send a formal letter of notification to:

FM Observer
PO Box 666
East Fargo, ND  58105

Thanks!

Early Fargo Business Man Attacked By Giant Blue Mountain Swallowtail Butterfly

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Downtown Fargo, September 12, 1924

Fargo, ND – On this date 90 years ago, a Fargo businessman was attacked by a very large butterfly while crossing a street in the downtown area.

The man’s name was Mr. Simon Cummings who owned and operated Cummings Shoe Store.

Witnesses said that while Simon was negotiating some lunch-time puddles from a September rain storm, a giant blue butterfly seemed to attack Mr. Cummings out of nowhere and for no apparent reason.

One of the on-lookers that day was hotel owner Betsy Donaldson, who was quoted as saying: “If I wouldn’t have seen it, I would not have believed it. This will really make me rethink butterflies.”

The butterfly was later determined to be a Blue Mountain Swallowtail butterfly whose scientific name is Papilio Ulysses.

This special type of butterfly is normally found in Australia where they have been known to attack humans for no obvious reason.

NDSU butterfly expert Norman Winger wrote of this incident: “Of course, there is always a reason for things that happen, but we might not ever be able to know what was going through the mind of a giant teal-toned butterfly, in downtown Fargo, on a rainy day in September, in the year 1924.”

How To Prepare For The Coming Ebola Pandemic

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The best way of avoid getting the Ebola Virus is with self-imposed quarantine.

The best way to avoid getting the Ebola Virus is with isolation through a self-imposed quarantine.

Eboli, Italy – The World Health Organization and the Center for Disease Control are suggesting that now is the time to prepare for the next coming global pandemic from the Ebola Virus Disease.

Dr. Klaus Sphinxter says: “If you take ‘dem’ out of pandemic, you get panic.” These organizations do not want to start a panic situation, but are saying the time is now to prepare yourselves.

Here are some notes to help you survive the coming global Ebola pandemic and help you start preparing now for coming challenges during uncertain times ahead:

1. Have no direct social contact – if you do, avoid contact with bodily fluids of people infected with the Ebola Virus.

2. Get your Christmas shopping done early.

3. Stock up on all the basics like water, food, batteries, medical supplies, and nacho doritos.

4. At the stores, don’t mention why you’re doing a stock-up. The 1st rule of stocking up for the Ebola pandemic is: Do not tell anyone that you’re stocking up for the Ebola pandemic!

5. Consider buying some dehydrated water.

6. Have an in-door greenhouse garden to grow your own sustainable foods.

7. Have contingency back-ups for loss of utilities and sanitation.

8. Consider different defense plans.

9. Build your very own underground secure bunker.

10. Protect your property with a chain link fence (or a wall) and put up a sign indicating that all trespassers will be challenged.

11. Have an anti-Ebola protective gear outfit and mask for each member of your family.

12. Order drone-delivered pizzas.

13. Make and stock your own sustainable Koi Pond.

14. For any children’s problems, learn how to be a home pediatrician.

15. Avoid other family illnesses such as Pink Eye.

Red River Zoo Soon Adding One Large Triceratops

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If seeing is believing, then you can believe this! Please join us in welcoming Tari, the Triceratops.

Fargo, ND – In case you hadn’t heard, part of Jurassic Park will soon be coming to the Fargo Red River Zoo!

Because of the wide variety of extreme weather conditions in this region, the Fargo Zoo has been chosen to be the lucky home of a real live Triceratops dinosaur, whose name is Tari. Her full name is Tari Spector, which is from the re-arranging of all the letters in “Triceratops”.

The Triceratops type of dinosaur is one of thee most loved and recognizable of all dinosaurs and was originally named by the owner of a Greek restaurant because of its three (tri), horned (cera), face (tops).

Even though the Triceratops were originally believed to have become extinct about 66 million years ago, Tari is living proof that this was simply a false rumor, probably reported on some fake news websites.

This cute and friendly new addition to the Red River Zoo is strictly a herbivore, and because it only eats plant vegetation, it should not be a threat to gobble up any children. Instead, people of all ages will be able to feed Tari some of her favorite grasses and herbs by purchasing them from the Dino-Food vending machine. All of the profits from this vending machine will go directly to the “Save The Dinosaurs From Global Warming” program, which was started by Algore, after he invented the Internet.

Because of the unique challenges Tari brings with her, the Red River Zoo is frantically seeking to hire a few special zoo handlers for this lovable dinosaur. Past working experience with Triceratops would be a major plus for this job. If you think you have what it takes to handle Tari the Triceratops, please call the Red River Zoo to set up a formal interview.

“Creepiest Adult Ever” Award Given To Leering Gym Instructor

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Screenshot_2014-07-30-08-22-36West Fargo, ND—With just a week of classes in the books, West Fargo High School students have already begun recognizing their staff.

According to an online poll compiled by a number of Instagram users, school gym teacher Bwayne MacMinnus has won the unofficial Creepiest Adult Ever award. A Hefe-filtered Instagram photo of MacMinnus garnered the most ‘likes’, earning him this distinct honor.

Students and faculty alike participated in the online poll, with the photo shown at left obtaining over 1,000 likes.

“The way he looks at you, I like, really get creeped out, like, every day during PE,” said one high school junior, who wished to remain anonymous.

“We’re all pretty sure Mr. MacMinnus is autistic or just weird. Or both?” said West Fargo senior Triel Juptack.

High School Principal Cermin Troivaxler also participated in the online poll. He feels that MacMinnus was an easy choice. “Bwayne keeps to himself in the teacher’s lounge. He usually just stands there peering at other staff members. The rest of the faculty tends to worry about him, but damn if he doesn’t keep those kids in line.”

MacMinnus beat out the English teacher with the lazy eye by a commanding margin. Congratulations, Bwayne!

Moorhead Family Found Living In A Pumpkin

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It’s actually quite comfortable living in here but we’re planning on adding an additional pumpkin for some more living space.

Moorhead, MN – It was recently discovered by the Moorhead Housing Authority that at least one Moorhead family has been living in a large pumpkin for months.

Margaret Butts, chairman of the MHA, stated: “T’was a real shocker when we learned that a whole family was headquartering out of a large pumpkin. They can’t be considered homeless because they do have a home.”

Some of the initial questions swirling around this story have been:

Why would a family be living in a pumpkin in Moorhead?

Can we expect more people to be found living in pumpkins the closer we get to Halloween?

Should pumpkin dwellers be taxed just as normal homes are?

Is this just more real fake news from the FMObserver or is it an authentic story like the Moorhead haunted house story?

All of these questions will be addressed at the next Moorhead city commission meeting. In the meantime, you are asked to go out and search for any other pumpkin dwellers who may be living in the area. Please report any findings by calling the main city phone line at 218.299.5166 and you will be routed to the Pumpkin Department.