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Get Your Ass To The Moon Soon

Why do you think they called him "Buzz"?

Why do you think they called him “Buzz”?

Los Angeles, CA – At the swanky home of Sir Ashton Kutcher, plans are well underway to begin the Earthification of the Moon.

Ashton Kutcher and Buzz Aldrin are self-appointed co-chairmen of the Moon Earthification Project.

Even tho they don’t agree on every detail of Project Moon, one thing they do agree on is: “Once we’ve established a McDonald’s restaurant on the McMoon, then everything else can build off of that. As long as early Moon workers can go get a few McNuggets and a McFries, things should start to seem Earthly” said General Kutcher to the Moon Project Groupies.

Red-eyed Buzz Aldrin then went on to describe some of the other exciting plans: He will be opening a large moon bar called “Just Buzzed”.

His friend, Neil Armstrong, along with the Michael Jackson Neverland Foundation, will be building the Moon Walk Mall, which Donald Trump says “will be fabulous”.

Moon Unit Zappa, daughter of the late great Frank Zappa, will be naming each new community Moon Unit #1, Moon Unit #2, and so on, and so forth.

The Chinese have already begun construction of an exciting series of Olympic-style Ping Pong Parks all connected by a nexus of smog-free bike paths.

Iran is building multiple nuclear reactors which will supposedly only be used for generating power, according to Secretary John Kerry, who will be personally doing monthly verificational inspections.

Affordable ObamaCare Health Centers will be available for anyone who has recently lost their health insurance due to ObamaCare, and whose combined annual income is less than $23,000, and who has voted Democratically in the last six election cycles.

Ashton Kutcher sums it all up like this: “The Earthification of the Moon has begun and is now unstoppable. The more we can make the Moon like Earth, the more people are going to want to make the move to the Moon, which will result in less people on Earth, which should hopefully slow down global warming due to the build-up of extremely toxic gases such as Carbon Dioxide.”

When axed what role he would like to play in all this, Ashton Kutcher thoughtfully admits that he wants his main goal to be the minimization of the sexploitation of minors on the Moon, by such heinous groups as the Catholic Church, and the nefarious Sexaholic Politicians Anonymous.

If you would like more information about getting YOUR ass to the Moon, please go to www.Healthcare.gov and simply click on the “Moon Unit” icon, near the top of the page. Don’t forget to enter the passcode: BUZZ.

McDonald’s To Introduce Two New Sandwiches

McDonald's new McHorse and McPony sandwiches

McDonald’s new McHorse and McPony sandwiches

Oak Brook, IL – Ronald McDonald is excited to announce the addition of two new meat sandwiches to their international chain restaurant McMenu.

The McDonald’s Corporation will soon be unveiling the McHorse sandwich, for people who are “so hungry they could eat a horse”.

Hungry children will have a chance to pony up with the new McPony sandwich.

The larger McHorse sandwich will cost $3.99 while the smaller McPony sandwich will be marketed on the popular Dollar Menu*.

McDonald’s is trying to take the lead in providing high-quality processed horse meat – an idea they got from the British.

Ronald McDonald claims that their new sandwiches will be at least 50% actual processed horse (or pony) meat and less than 20% crushed bone.

In addition, “attractive and interactive” new McPetting Zoos will be replacing most of the out-dated McPlayLands.

“Kids just don’t like playing on large boring plastic equipment anymore.” says Jonita McJammer, one of Ronald’s many corporate assistants. “But put a live McBunny in their lap, and let the magic begin!”

*The McPony sandwich will also be available in Happy Meals, along with four different McPony toys. Collect all four of them! Their names are: McTibbets, McPerky, McRangler, and McPaco. 

Area Wife Elated After Leaky Faucet Turns Into Entire Bathroom Remodel



Moorhead, MN—Local woman and homeowner Cynthia Noisewater couldn’t be happier today after what appeared to be nothing more than a drippy bathroom faucet snowballed into a “full teardown and rebuild” of her master bathroom, sources confirmed Wednesday night.

Cynthia notified her husband Kenneth about the dripping she heard the evening of December 17th. Upon investigating the leak yesterday, Kenneth ended up having to remove the entire sink to discover the problem.

“Well, now that we have the whole frickin’ sink torn apart, I spose we better do the cabinets above and below, too,” Kenneth grumbled. “Since we’re here doing it and all, I mean, I guess it makes sense,” he added.

Cynthia could not be more pleased. “I’ve been getting after him about this old, outdated porcelain sink, clanky steel cabinetry and faucet that squeals every time you turn the cold water nozzle,” Cynthia explained. “Now that Ken FINALLY has it torn out, it looks like we’re joining the 21st century with a newly-remodeled master bath!”

FM Observer Invites Russians To Bookmark Our Website

The FM Observer reaches out to Mother Russia.

The FM Observer reaches out to Mother Russia.

Dear People Of Mother Russia: Дорогие люди России-матушки:

We are your friends. Мы ваши друзья.

We mean you no harm. Мы не причиним вам никакого вреда.

We come in peace and have vodka. Мы пришли с миром и есть водку.

Since Putin has shutdown your state media, we invite you to save our website in your list of favorites. Поскольку Путин имеет выключение государственные СМИ, мы приглашаем вас, чтобы спасти наш сайт в свой ​​список фаворитов.

Our website, the FM Observer, can provide you an excellent source of news from around the world. Наш сайт, FM-наблюдатель, может обеспечить вам отличный источник новостей со всего мира.

The FM stands for Fargo Moorhead. FM выступает за Fargo Moorhead.

We call our website the Observer because we observe people at grocery stores and fitness centers and in parking lots. Мы называем наш сайт по наблюдению, поскольку мы наблюдаем людей в продуктовых магазинах и фитнес-центров и на парковках.

We are decent people who like a good time. Мы порядочные люди, которые любят хорошо провести время.

We can also hopefully make you laugh during the long cold Russian winter. Мы можем также, надеюсь, заставит вас смеяться в течение долгой холодной русской зимы.

We also like to drink vodka and sing songs. Мы также хотели пить водку и петь песни.

Some of us have large vegetable gardens. Некоторые из нас имеют большие огороды.

Some men here like to dress up as women. Некоторые мужчины здесь любят наряжаться, как женщины.

Sometimes when other drivers cut in front of us, we experience Road Rage. Иногда, когда другие водители сократить перед нами, мы испытываем Road Rage.

We are just like you except different. Мы, как и вы, за исключением по-другому.

We want you to like us on Facebook. Мы хотим, чтобы вы были бы мы на Facebook.

If you need anything from the American people, contact Secretary John Kerry. Если вам нужно что-нибудь от американского народа, свяжитесь секретаря Джона Керри.

One Millionth ObamaCare Signee To Receive Free Healthcare For Life

YOU might be our one millionth customer!

YOU might be our one millionth customer!

Washington, DC—In an effort to bolster support for his controversial new healthcare system, President Obama announced today that the 1,000,000th Affordable Care Act registrar will be awarded free healthcare for life.

“Unlimited doctor visits, a lifetime of x-rays, more prescription pills than your kidneys and liver can handle. They’ll fill you so full of chemotherapy, it’ll be coming out your eye-holes!” Obama proclaimed during a late-afternoon White House presser.

“The Affordable Care Act is meant to provide low-cost health insurance to many, but our one millionth customer will enjoy free MRIs, CATs, PAPs and EKGs for life,” the President added. “No paying out the ass for premiums and deductibles for one lucky Joe. No crippling debt as a result of too many doctor visits for one lucky dog. So, sign up! Let’s get to one million! Yes we can! Yes we can!”

Obama finished the press conference by throwing a handful of ObamaCare KEEP THIS COUPON tickets into the crowd. Who will be the one millionth signee? Visit www.healthcare.gov to find out more.

Coach Bohl To Become Pastor Bohl

caption here

The mountains are calling me.

Fargo, ND – The spiritual leader of the champion NDSU Bison is about to trade in his coaching cap for a clerical collar. Coach Craig Bohl has announced he will be packing his bags and moving to Wyoming. He will become the head pastor at Harmony Lutheran Church in Lusk, Wyoming.

The FM Observer asked: “Whyoming?” Pastor Bohl calmly answered: “Because that is where I have been called to serve my higher power. Not to mention, that I have always loved the mountains.”

As the most successful coach in NDSU history, Harmony Lutheran Church can expect that Pastor Bohl will be their most successful minister ever. Church committee members there said they really liked his God-given ability to recruit new church members and bring out the best of everyone’s talents in their church community.

Mr. Jonas Bagley, who headed up their search committee, said that during his interview, Pastor Bohl’s ability to motivationally speak to their hearts about doing the Lord’s work in Wyoming really put him head and shoulders above all the rest of the candidates.

Church treasurer Ms. Connie Francis said she is very excited about what Pastor Bohl’s influence will be upon their upcoming stewardship drive. Their goal is to raise $1.5 million to build a new Sunday School Center and also help translate all their current teaching materials into Spanish.

OBAMACAR: If You Like Your Car, You Can Keep Your Car

Under ObamaCar, you can keep your current car, if you like it

Under ObamaCar, you can keep your current car, if you like it…period!

Warshington, DC – President Obama’s new Affordable Car Act (or as many affectionately call it: ‘ObamaCar’) was secretly rammed through Congress by Democrats in the middle of the night, while unsuspecting Republicans were asleep at the wheel.

Then, to sell the flawed plan to the American people, President Obama repeatedly told cheering hand-picked crowds in all the blue states:

“If you like your car, you can keep your car…period!”

“You and your family, yawl can keep your car, if you like it!”

“I guarantee that if you like your car dealership, and you like your car, you will be able to keep them!”

Unfortunately, it is not playing out this way.

Under ObamaCar, millions of Americans who thought that they would be able to keep their cars, are now losing them.

With the ever-expanding government now taking control of all car dealerships, and mandating that Americans purchase a government-approved ObamaCar, automobile prices are now starting to sky rocket (just as Senator Cruz predicted).

Plus, a new round of taxes will kick in right after the elections to help pay for part of the giant new bureaucracy that is being created to run it all.

The Automobile Device Tax will significantly raise taxes on the Middle Class to pay for free ObamaCars to be given to all undocumented Democrats.

You have until the end of February to get rid of your unapproved car and purchase an ObamaCar, or the IRS will be scheduling you and all your relatives for full audits.

President Obama has personally hired an army of ObamaCar Navigators who are paid well to teach you how to “beat the system”. Many of these Navigators are convicted felons. Some of them will soon be getting out of prison and would love to visit your home and get to know you.

To sign up for ObamaCar, you can either use the handy-dandy website: ObamaCar.gov (which is not ready yet), or call a helpful ObamaCar Navigator via the toll-free number: 1-800-SCREW-YOU.

Snoopy Banned From Parade For Using Inhalants

Snoopy be bad doggy!

Snoopy be bad doggy!

New York, New York – America’s most loved mutt has been banned from the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Snoopy has tested positive for using inhalants.

Authorities first suspected the mongrel of inhalant usage after noticing slurred speech, a general dazed appearance, unusual hostility toward others, and rashes around his mouth and nose.

“We are very disappointed in this unfortunate development”, said Webb Eubanks who is essentially the Executive Director for the Big Parade. “In fact, we are disappointed to the point of disbelief.”

Top parade officials admitted that Snoopy was the last celebrity character that they would have thought would use inhalants. SpongeBob, Kermit, or The Smurfs have all had problems with inhalant usage in the past, but they all tested negative.

The investigation is on-going. Charlie Brown’s home is being searched for signs of inhalants since he is the owner of the dog. Linus and Lucy may be included, as they have each gone through detox within the past year.

In an effort to deter youngsters from using inhalants, it should be noted that one of the possible long-term effects from using inhalants is: death.

LEAKED: New University of North Dakota Team Logo/Nickname

University of North Dakota Fighting Sperm Whales

University of North Dakota Fighting Sperm Whales

Grand Forks, ND—Sources have confirmed the existence of a newly revamped UND sports team jersey! This photo, leaked by an insider at the University of North Dakota, shows a rough depiction of a team hockey jersey embroidered with the word SPERM and what appears to be a giant sperm whale.

Team executives have been working in conjunction with the NCAA to implement a new, contemporary, non-offensive nickname for the University. It looks like they’ve hit a home run here.

While this leaves virtually nothing to the imagination, we still have to speculate whether or not the next UND team nickname will be the Fighting Sperm Whales. All things considered, the whale species pictured is definitely a sperm whale, and the lettering above the whale is absolutely S-P-E-R-M.

This being said, sports team broadcast announcers are said to be working feverishly on new in-game catch phrases:

  • “Sperm slam it home!”
  • “That’s a whale of sperm!”
  • “Spermtastic!”
  • “Sperm gonna getcha!”
  • “When a man and a woman love each other very much…”
  • “Sperm found the egg! It’s all over!”

Locals are excited to finally have a nickname for their beloved team.

UND hockey fan Sandra Crabapple:

“Sperm whales? Cool! That’s not offensive or gross at all.”

UND football fan Terry Noisewater:

“I can’t wait to yell about sperm during games!”

While there is no timetable for the return of a team nickname and logo, this new evidence suggests we will be screaming the name of the mighty sperm whale sooner rather than later.

West Fargo Teacher Stung By A Sting Operation

Sting Stang Stung

Sting Stang Stung

West Fargo, ND –  A young teacher at the West Fargo High Skool named Gordon Summers (age 32), was allegedly, the subject of a school-girl fantasy. She wanted him, so badly, and she knew what she wanted to be. Inside her, there was so much longing, and this girl was an open page. The problem is, that the girl, (let’s call her Lolita), was only half his age (16).

Mr. Summers, after noticing her nearness, initially tried to maintain a professional distance from Miss Lolita by repeating to her: “Please, don’t stand so, don’t stand so close to me.”

For good reason, her friends became quite jealous, you know how bad girls can get. Sometimes, it’s not so easy, to be the teacher’s pet.

Temptation coupled with frustration got so bad, that it made him almost cry. Then, while she was waiting at a wet bus stop, he drove by in his car, all warm and dry. When she got in, he repeated to her: “Please, don’t sit so, don’t sit so close to me.”

With a lot of loose talk in the classroom, to hurt Lolita, her classmates would try and try. There were also many strong words in the staffroom, and (as you can imagine) the accusations began to fly.

At this point, there was no use in denying his attraction to Lolita. Everytime he saw her, he would begin to shake and cough, quite similar to Humbert, in that one book by Vladimir Nabokov.

Update #1: Mr. Gordon Summers was recently arrested and taken to jail for having an inappropriate relationship with a student. While in jail, he would often tell his cellmates: “Please, don’t stand so, don’t stand so close to me.”

Update #2: It turns out…that Lolita was actually the daughter of the Police Chief, and the whole thing was one giant set-up. Basically, Mr. Gordon Summers was stung by a Sting Operation.

Update #3: This entire multi-level plot was written by a very creative sophomore named Stewart Copeland from West Fargo High Skool for a homework assignment in his Film Studies class.

Update #4: Ironically, the teacher of this Film Studies Class is named Mr. Humbert, and his daughter, whose name is Lolita, is going to prom with…Stewart Copeland!