Tag Archives: punishment

People’s Militia Group Votes On Proper Punishment For Downtown Fargo Jaywalkers

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Unanimous vote for the death penalty to any jaywalkers in Downtown Fargo.

Fargo, ND – The People’s Militia Group which oversees the Fargo area, unanimously voted at their latest meeting for all Downtown Fargo jaywalkers to receive the death penalty.

The head of the People’s Militia Group is Janik Longway who firmly said: “Since jaywalking is a heinously problematic crime in the Downtown Fargo area, we solemnly recommend the death penalty for any and all jaywalkers.”

“Also, we strongly believe that anyone caught with a parked car on the streets of Fargo after four or more inches of snow has fallen should also receive the death penalty after their car has been quickly compacted into a small, stackable, one foot cube for easy removal.”

If you have a differing opinion on these matters, you’re invited to speak out against them at the next meeting of the People’s Militia Group.

Punishingly, all of the letters in Janik Longway can be re-arranged into: No Jaywalking!

Fargo Getting Positive Response From Students About Year-Round Schooling

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Students are super stoked about the idea of year-round schooling!

Fargo, ND – Gone are the good old days of School’s Out For Summer!

Students of all ages in the Fargo school system will soon have the pleasure of year-round schooling.

School Board members are patting themselves on their collective backs for “thinking outside the box” on this one, and for coming up with such a smart New Age idea, which will presumably:

1. Raise grade point averages by 20-25% over the next twenty years.

2. Decrease future skin cancer by 20-25% over the next thirty years.

3. Combat the War On Learning Loss (which occurs during summers off).

4. Give children a taste of working a full-time job in the professional world.

5. Teach kids how to manage their recreational PTO (personal time off).

6. Act as punishment for being so spoiled with all their smartphones.

7. Teach the idea of respecting your elders.

8. Keep them busy, out of jail, and off drugs.

Algore Sends Frigid Polar Vortex Into North Dakota As Punishment For Fracking

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It is best to not piss off the Godfather of Global Climate Change.

Devils Lake, ND – The Godfather of Global Warming has decided to punish the northern half of MegaKota by routing the icy Polar Vortex back into our entire region.

FMO: “Algore, why did you decide to blast Northern Megakota with a mega-dose of bone chilling Arctic air?”

Algore: “Well, now, I will tell you why. So, sometimes we have to use a carrot and/or a stick. Because of all the terrible horizontal fracking that’s been going on, which I have said is a big No-No, North Dakota needs a strong dis-incentive to not continue with this naughty practice.”

During the near foreseeable future, concerned weatherologists are warning that Global Cooling will be moving in, much like a prolonged uncomfortable visit from your in-laws.