Tag Archives: religion

Executive Directors Named For Fargo’s New Combo Church/Hospital

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At the new Amen Church Hospital is where religion and healthcare meet.

Fargo, ND – The new Amen Church Hospital has named Peter and Paul Christianson as executive directors as the project moves forward toward final fruition.

The Amen Church Hospital will be the first of its kind in the nation: A fully functioning hospital which also has all the normal underpinnings of a full-blown church.

The new co-executive directors are two brothers, each of whom are both pastors and physicians, as were each of their parents.

Peter and Paul Christianson explain it like this: “What could be better than having full communion with your entire congregation while you are literally being prepared for a colonoscopy during the Lord’s Prayer?”

If you would like to attend the Amen Church Hospital, please show up for either the church worship service or get admitted to the hospital, which are basically one in the same.

Some Religious Groups Demanding Statue Of David Wear Some Clothes

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Many devoutly religious people are quite offended by Michelangelo’s David being totally buck naked.

Florence, South Dakota – Many religious groups are now demanding that all statues of David be “properly clothed” so as to not offend onlookers.

Leo Gleichman, after seeing David, commented: “Perhaps this would’ve been OK back when times were different, but in today’s society, this is just plain offensive.”

Loli McGeehan, who couldn’t leave the statue of David fast enough, barked: “I haven’t been this offended since the first slow dance at my high school prom!”

Ameen Coghill strongly thinks: “This statue should either be draped with large curtains, or immediately removed and destroyed.”

Alice Engholm, who thought she had seen it all, noted: “The statue of David is very large, but why does he have to be so fracking naked? Someone needs to get that boy some clothes!”

Ironically, the letters in the names of all the people we interviewed can be re-arranged to spell: Michelangelo!

Solar Eclipse Cancelled As Some Find It To Be Offensive

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Since it’s a religious experience to some, others find solar eclipse to be offensive to their beliefs.

Sunbeam, Idaho – So as to not be offensive to people of certain religious beliefs, the solar eclipse has been cancelled by federal and state authorities.

While statues of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln are being pulled down because of their political incorrectness, the once-in-a-lifetime solar eclipse has now been cancelled after a number of religious leaders cried foul.

One politician wearing a Donald Trump mask in order to remain anonymous explained that by officially cancelling the solar eclipse, his chances of getting re-elected next year might improve with the voters in his district.

So, for all of you who purchased special glasses from Amazon for watching the solar eclipse, it’s not too late to return those via drone.

Now that the eclipse has officially been cancelled, this will give the country more time to tear down more monuments to our offensive past such as the Jefferson Memorial and the Washington Monument. Oh, and Mount Rushmore, you can run but you can’t hide, because they’re coming for you too.

New Fargo Religious Radio Station To Broadcast Only In Tongues

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New Fargo religious radio station is WHAT AM1770

Fargo, ND – Soon to hit the airwaves of the Fargo-Moorhead area will be a new religious radio station which might be rather difficult to understand for some.

All of the on-air personalities will be speaking in tongues, which is believed to be a divine religious language of yesteryear that is completely foreign to the speaker.

Some people supposedly have the gift of speaking in tongues while others have the complimentary gift of being able to understand these vocalized speech-like syllables.

For the rest of us, listening to someone speaking in tongues may simply sound like the Tower Of Babble from which most cannot derive any readily comprehensible meaning.

The man who had the brilliant idea for this new radio station is Dr. Peter Glossolalia, a lifelong member of the Pentecostal church.

We caught up with Peter to ask him about this new radio station. Here is Dr. Peter Glossolalia in his own words: “Oldah ugal fafa ni nas baas uk oon ahd oob usuc de e miid adda ca adi aanye ba allib!”

The new radio station’s call letters are WHAT?! which can soon be heard (but perhaps not understood) at AM 1770.

Questions To Ask Before Joining A Religion

Questions To Ask Before Joining A Religion Part II

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Questions To Ask Before Joining A Religion

If you haven’t read Part I, then you should because it is very educational.  Below are more questions everyone should consider asking before joining a religion.

 

Are there mermaids?

Will peppers be readily available in the afterlife?

And television?  Free access?  Wifi?

During congregation, must I wash my hands after the bathroom?

If I choose to follow, how long do I have to follow for?

If there is a paradise, who tends the garden?

Is there any stoning?  Stoning sounds fun.  I mean awful.  It’s just awful.

What is considered ‘sex’?

Can I dress like a ninja?  All day?

Can I participate in a sacrificial killing at least once per day?

Are there any kind of spells or such things?

Are there any kind of special dances I must do?

Can I use donation money for personal use?

Will animal cookies still exist after I die?

 

Questions To Ask Before Joining A Religion

Questions To Ask Before Joining A Religion

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Questions To Ask Before Joining A Religion

Below are very important questions everyone should consider asking before joining a religion.

 

Are there unicorns?

Are there dragons?

Will you rape me of my money?

Will you rape me?

Will you rape my children?

Do you think for me or do I think for myself?

Is it ok to pass gas in a church pew?

Are gays your sworn enemy?  If so, would you go to war against them?  What weapons would you use?

Do I get superpowers?

Is touching a woman’s or man’s arm considered sex?

Are animals considered robots?

Do you believe in modern medicine or are you miracle healers?

Are there free donuts available after we congregate?

Do you wear special underwear?

Do you pray to god or use some type of electronic device like a cellphone?

Do you perform mating rituals?

Do I have to give you my belongings?

What date do you consider the end coming?

If Jessica Biel became a zombie and tried to bite you, would you let her get a little tongue action in before you blew her head off?

How many followers does your religion’s twitter feed currently have?

How many times did the Bible’s writers misuse the words ‘your’ and ‘you’re’ before you guys edited it?

If your religion could have a mascot, what would it be?

What is the outside food/beverage policy during worship?

I have an aversion to needles. Will you be administering heroin or any other harmful drugs during bloody sacrifice? (hopefully only applies to Satanism)

True or false: If you keep all the hair trimmings from every haircut you’ve ever had, you would have enough to construct a life-size hair twin?

Where we’re going, will we need roads or no?

Why didn’t Jesus have a wife and kids?

 

 

Update:  A priest responds