Tag Archives: santa claus

Secret Santa Drops In Early At Many Local Businesses

Leave a reply

Don’t be surprised if Secret Santa drops in at your place of work before Christmas!

Fargo, ND – Secret Santa has recently been making the rounds at many local Fargo businesses.

For any employees who choose to participate in their Secret Santa program, it’s a chance to find out what are some of the hot items for Christmas this year.

Your FM Observer has conveniently compiled a list for you of this year’s top items that people are receiving from Secret Santa:

◘ Anything Trump
◘ Butterscotch Pudding
◘ A small box of Heath Bars
◘ Small plastic Elephants
◘ A can of Mackerel
◘ Any signed book by Deepak Chopra
◘ A box of dried Kasoori Methi leaves
◘ Barbie Bubblegum-flavored mouthwash
◘ A box of traditional Cracker Jack (includes prize!)
◘ A box of marsh-mellow Moon Pies
◘ A small bottle of Johnny’s French Dip Au Jus
◘ A Jesus candle (from the Mexican section at Cashwise)
◘ Flavored Pocky Biscuit Sticks (by Glico)
◘ A box of Prawn Crackers

Nothing Says ‘I Like You’ Like Butterscotch Pudding

Leave a reply

Butterscotch pudding is a hug-in-a-box.

Pudding Creek, CA – Are you trying to figure out what to serve during the holidays?

Do you want your family and guests to feel like they’re one of Santa’s elves?

Serving butterscotch pudding has been scientifically proven to say “friend“ and “Christmas“ more than any other substance South of the North Pole.

Plus, Santa and his elves eat butterscotch pudding every day, thanks to Mrs. Santa!

Under the tree, butterscotch pudding makes the perfect stocking stuffer, OR someone’s final, big present of the eve.

On the Christmas dinner table, it’s the ultimate dessert, OR have butterscotch pudding for your main entrée, just like Santa!

Moorhead Man Who Claims To Be The Real Santa Detained For Questioning

Leave a reply

There is a real Santa, and he’s being detained for questioning in Moorhead until after Christmas.

Moorhead, MN – Authorities in the quirky town of Moorhead have detained a man claiming to be the real Santa.

Investigators have a plan to hold the Santa Man until after Christmas to prove that either he is an impostor, or that he is indeed the real Santa, in which case millions of children throughout the world will not receive any presents for Christmas.

In the meantime, the Santa Man has requested some eggnog and cookies to help keep his spirits up, and some hay and salt blocks for his team of nine reindeer.

If you and your children would like to come and visit the Santa Man in jail to request presents for Christmas and possibly pet Rudolph and his friends in a temporary petting zoo, simply contact the Moorhead authorities who are detaining the real Santa and who are possibly going to ruin Christmas for everyone on Santa’s Nice List. 

Mall Santa Resigns After Multiple Accusations Of Groping

Leave a reply

Santa is asking his attorney: “Since when did groping become so politically incorrect?” Santa’s also wondering: “Why doesn’t anyone want to come near me?”

Fargo, ND – One of the real fake Santas at a well-known local Fargo shopping mall has resigned amid numerous accusations of groping any women within a “reasonable groping distance”.

Some disgusted mothers and dejected helper-elves have filed complaints to the North Pole that Santa has been groping some of these adult women during official mall photos, and even during some of Santa’s own selfies and elfies.

Renta Santa, the company from whence the mall allegedly hired this Santa, has denied any legal culpability but did say that this particular Santa had once been a Minnesota state senator who had left the arena of politics due to some “inappropriate sexual behavior”.

A linguistics expert that we consulted with said that the term “Mall” will soon no longer be politically correct because it is homonymistically so very similar to the word “Maul”.

Oprah’s Much-Anticipated Holiday Gift-Giving Guide

Leave a reply

The Oprah reveals her recommended shopping list for your Christmas.

It is once again that lusciously delightful time of year when everyone waits to see what’s on The Oprah’s gift giving idea list for the upcoming holidays.

Every year The Oprah shares her wonderfully personal list of favorite things to get your loved ones for Christmas.

This year is no exception as The Oprah never disappoints!

Gift #1 – 200 pounds of fresh organic strawberries. ($950)

Gift #2 – Queen-sized sheepskin duvet cover. ($2,800)

Gift #3 – Diamond-encrusted dog brush. ($19,000)

Gift #4 – Gift pack of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. ($53,000)

Gift #5 – 100 shares of Amazon.com, Inc. NASDAQ:AMZN. ($111,160)

Gift #6 – New car: Bentley Mulsanne. ($335,000)

Gift #7 – A bottle of Tequila Ley 925. ($3.5 M)

Gift #8 – Lady Gaga concert with the Obamas. ($12 M)

Gift #9 – Private jet: Dassault Falcon 7X. ($35 M)

Gift #10 – The Shroud of Turin. (priceless)

Santa’s Deliveries In Jeopardy As Rudolph Has Chronic Wasting Disease

Leave a reply
Rudolph is sick and Santa has irritable bowel syndrome.

Rudolph is sick with Chronic Wasted Disease as is evidenced by the dark spots on his ears, antlers, and nose.

North Pole, Alaska – Christmas authorities are expressing serious concern over a recent report from SantaLand that Rudolph is suffering from the dreaded Chronic Wasting Disease.

Tis believed that Rudolph may have contracted this often fatal disease while partying with an outside herd at the Extreme Reindeer Games in Asspen, Colocado.

A snowy Santa spokeself sadly said that “Rudolph has been acting much like a couch potato lately, just laying around all the time, munching on Pringles Sour Cream Potato Chips and watching endless reruns of the Twilight Zone.”

As such, hundreds of the “nice” children around the world may not be getting any presents delivered from the real Santa this Christmas.

Of course, all the “naughty” children wouldn’t have gotten anything anyway so this doesn’t really affect them, now, does it?

Stephen Kink’s New “Toxic Santa’s Revenge” Promises To Change Christmas Forever

Leave a reply
Death Santa

I’m toxic and here for revenge.

Toxico, NM – A new book by Stephen Kink which is scheduled to be released before Christmas will permanently alter your holiday mindset.

It’s a dark tale about the “original” Santa who after being poisoned multiple times with toxic cookies and milk decides to get some revenge.

Book reviewer Kade Hygene said: “After I started getting into this book, my whole body was shaking like a hand-held electric massage machine.”

“Some of the book is written in normal prose style with instructive narrative. But whenever it goes into the rhyming poetic style, that’s when it’s time to lock the doors and plug the chimney,” warns Kade.

Look for “Toxic Santa’s Revenge” wherever scary books are sold. It promises to change your attitude toward Christmas forever.

Santa’s Warning Letter To Naughty Children

Leave a reply
Don't piss me off or you ain't getting a damn thing!

Don’t piss me off or you ain’t getting a damn thing!

The North Pole – Fargo was recently in the national news for a lady’s obesity letter being given out to fat trick-or-treaters. Now, children in the greater Fargo-Moorhead area are being targeted once again.

Santa Claus and his wife will soon be sending out warning letters to any kids who have become too materialistic.

Santa used to only need one toy per child for Christmas. That number has climbed to ten or more in recent years, making Santa and his team quite pissed off.

The FM Observer somehow got to preview one of these warning letters from Santa:

 

Dear ______:

Hello from the real Santa!

Mrs. Claus and I have noticed that in the last few years, you have become way too focused on getting lots of fancy toys for Christmas. Instead of celebrating the birth of the Baby Jesus, you only care about getting more crap than you did last year, and more than all your friends. If you don’t quickly start showing a big change of attitude in the next few weeks, you might just get a big donut for Christmas (as in, what’s one minus one?).

You better start showing some more respect to your parent(s) and teachers, and begin caring a little more about others, instead of thinking that you’re the boss. Continuing down the path of materialism will only lead to having misplaced values, becoming a hoarder of junk, and massive credit card debt which will crush you into bankruptcy.

It is up to you if I say Ho-Ho-Ho at your house this year, or if I have to say No-No-No!

In summary, get your fricking act together soon or you can expect less than nothing for Christmas. In fact, I might even sneak into your room and take back some of the presents I brought you last year.

Sincerely,
Angry Santa