Tag Archives: vote

Amy Klobuchar Wrestles Woman To Ground After Being Attacked

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Senator Amy Klobuchar prepares to body slam alleged attacker to the floor.

Penacook, New Hampshire – Presidential candidate Amy Klobuchar successfully wrestled a Bernie Sanders supporter to the floor after being suddenly attacked while campaigning near New Hampshire’s capital city of Concord.

Luckily, the Minnesota senator had wrestled as a Trojan on her Wayzata High School team, so she instinctively knew some basic moves to protect herself when the need arose.

After the incident, Senator Klobuchar said she now needs to focus all of her attention on wrestling with Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sander, Quid Pro Joe, and Mayor Pete.

Democrats Considering Lowering Voting Age To Ten While Offering Them Free Candy

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Top Dems luring children with candy.

Washington, DC – Nervous Democrats needing a win in the next presidential election are pushing to lower the voting age to ten while offering children free candy and recreational marijuana.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi believes it’s really important to capture kids when they’re in grade skool, before they know much about politix, and when they can still be easily swayed for whom to vote.

Senator Chuck Schumer concurs that rather than lowering the voting age to sixteen, lowering it to ten, along with offering free college, free candy, free pot, and free Doritos to anyone who doesn’t vote for the Republicans would be a boon to the Democrat voting base.

Both Pelosi and Schumer agree that their For The Children Act (H.R.1) is “really important” because we need to drastically change election laws before the next presidential election in order to prevent four more years of never-ending Trump investigations.

Top Ten Reasons Why The City Of Moorhead Secretly Changed Its Voting Locations

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Good luck trying to find where to vote if you live in Moorhead!

Moorhead, MN – Without letting anyone know, Moorhead city leaders decided to change many of their polling locations.

Many Moorheadians are now wondering why their silly little town would change many of its polling locations without notifying its citizenry.

If you’re looking for reasons, here are some good ones that would explain the odd behavior of the City Council Leaders in this quirky small Minisoda village.

Top 10 Reasons Moorhead Changed Where To Vote:

10. Didn’t think college kids are old enough to vote.

9. Got some bad advice from the Secretary of State.

8. Wanted to keep polling locations a secret.

7. Thought a lawsuit would spice things up.

6. Felt like playing a joke on their city.

5. Thought that no one would really care.

4. They totally deny that they did it.

3. Wanted to give voters a challenge.

2. Simply a power trip gone bad.

1. Because they felt like it.

0. It was time for a change.

-1. Just for the fun of it.

-2. Hey, it’s no big deal!

Hawaii Votes To Add Another Island Named Zaui

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The newest Hawaiian island to be named Zaui.

The newest Hawaiian island to be named Zaui.

Honolulu, Hawaii – As if it didn’t already have enough beautiful paradise islands, the state of Hawaii has overwhelmingly voted to add another inhabitable island to its current list of seven.

The new island is going to be called Zaui and will include “the best of the best” from each of the other islands.

Hawaii’s governor God Kane describes the new Zaui like this:

“What we’ll be creating will be very special, and very eclectic. Visitors to Zaui will actually feel the eclectricty as soon as they walk up onto Zaui’s perfect beaches. All the flora and fauna will be hand selected to maximize the perfectness that Zaui will offer to its guests.”

Here then is an updated list of the main Hawaiian Islands along with their nicknames and a brief description:

1. Hawaii (Big Daddy): Hawaii is the largest Hawaiian island and still growing. It’s also home to Hot Lava National Park.

2. Maui (The Most Hawaiian Island): Up until Zaui, Maui was always everyone’s favorite.

3. Oahu (Capitol Island): The place to go jewelry shopping because of Pearl Harbor and Diamond Head.

4. Kauai (Todd Rundgren Island): The home of a musical genius who likes to bang on his drum all day.

5. Molokai (Leprosy Island): Not a real major hot spot but a good place to get away from it all.

6. Lanai (Porch Island): Where every resident’s home has an authentic Hawaiian veranda on which they can bang on their drum all day.

7. Niihau (The Native Island): It is strictly forbidden to go here unless you know the secret password, or are a direct descendant of God Kane.

8. Zaui (The Eclectic Island): This will be the most perfect island of all the Hawaiian Islands. To beat the rush, call your travel agent today to book a week or month. Make sure to mention that you want to go to Zaui, with a Z.

Fargo City Leaders Vote Yes To Seek Out Guatemalan Sister City

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With its diverse culture, rich heritage, and colonial charm, Guatemala seems to be a perfect place for Fargo to find its next Sister City.

Fargo, ND – In a historic vote which passed almost unanimously, Fargo city commissioners collectively concurred on beginning the long and arduous process of finding a community in the exotic country of Guatemala that might want to buddy up with Fargo and become our second Sister City.

Fargo currently has only one other Sister City and that would be Hamar, Norway which happened way back in 1974 when Nixon was president.

Since it’s been almost 44 years since Fargo added a Sister City, “it is high time we added another!”

Why Guatemala you may wonder? Because that’s where the dart landed when it was blindly thrown at the map of the world during the last leadership meeting.

Some Guatemalan communities that Fargo is now considering approaching to ask if they want to be a Sister City with Fargo are: 1. Quetzaltenango, 2. Chimaltenango, 3. Huehuetenango, 4. Chichicastenango, 5. Mazatenango, 6. Jacaltenango, 7. Momostenango, and 8. Sumpango, because they all end with the same two letters as ‘Fargo’.

The city commission minutes revealed that each of the mayors of these eight great Guatemalan cities will be flown to up Fargo to be wined and dined and then intensively interviewed by various members of the Fargo Elite.

The final decision will be announced during the next Fargo Summer Games this coming summer.

Please indicate your preference for Fargo’s next Sister City by emailing in your choice’s respective number along with any reasoning for your favorite Guatemalan city.

Vote For Vivian Nutwrangler Because She Wants What You Want

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A vote for Vivian is a vote for sanity.

A vote for Vivian is a vote for sanity. So don’t be crazy. Vote for Vivian!

West Fargo, ND – If you live in, near, or far from District 82, please consider voting for Vivian Nutwrangler.

Vivian is a no-nonsense candidate who is for everything you want. Even more importantly, Vivian Nutwrangler strongly opposes everything you are against.

Vivian knows people. She also know some animals. She has met some people who act like animals.

With a world of experience, Vivian knows what is best for people, animals, and the world.

Vivian Nutwrangler also knows how to get things done. You name it, and Vivian has either done it herself or sub-contracted the job to someone else.

So, on election day, when you go do your patriotic duty and vote, please don’t forget to remember to vote for Vivian Nutwrangler: The most sane person in this crazy world.

Update: You are most certainly invited to join Vivian at her home on election evening to sing and celebrate her election victory by sharing cookies and milk with others who see things the same way you do.

Fargo To Vote On Changing To Either A 6-Day Or 8-Day Week

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Do you think it’s time for Fargo to change its time?

Fargo, ND – With the Fargo City Commission starting to run out of things to talk about, people in the FM area will soon have an unexpected opportunity to vote on whether or not Fargo should change from the normal seven 24-hour days to either six 28-hour days or eight 21-hours days.

Proponents of a change say that some people are sick and tired of the old “24 x 7” mentality and are seeking something new.

Autio Batista says: “Having fewer longer days would give people extra time to get more done each day while an increased number of shorter days definitely has some advantages such as easily providing everyone a nice three-day weekend!”

Opponents against altering Fargo’s time framework believe that the city commission has way more impotent things to discuss, such as the diversion, or a diversion to the diversion, or preparing to fight the dreaded zika virus.

If you are in favor of Fargo changing to either six 28-hour days or eight 21-hours days, please strongly voice your opinion at any of the upcoming Fargo City Commission meetings.