Tag Archives: west acres

Shoplifter Sentenced To Twenty Years At The West Acres Mall

Leave a reply

Just imagine having to spend 20 years in the West Acres Mall…without ever leaving!

Fargo, ND – A chronic shoplifter who recently was caught stealing twenty items from the West Acres Mall has been given an unusual sentence for her crime.

A creative judge has handed Hope Flirts a punishment of twenty consecutive years of confinement in the West Acres Mall.

Hope in her own words: “Well, what the hell? Quite frankly, I would rather spend twenty years in a normal prison than be stuck in the fricking West Acres Mall for twenty fracking years! Do you know what I’m saying?”

Ms. Flirts who is now 45 years old will not be allowed to physically leave the West Acres Mall until she is ready to retire at the ripe old age of 65.

If she is caught stealing just one item during the next 20 years, she will then be invited to finish out the remainder of her sentence at Alcatraz.

Ironically, all the letters in Hope Flirts can be re-arranged to spell: Shoplifter!

Mall Santa Resigns After Multiple Accusations Of Groping

Leave a reply

Santa is asking his attorney: “Since when did groping become so politically incorrect?” Santa’s also wondering: “Why doesn’t anyone want to come near me?”

Fargo, ND – One of the real fake Santas at a well-known local Fargo shopping mall has resigned amid numerous accusations of groping any women within a “reasonable groping distance”.

Some disgusted mothers and dejected helper-elves have filed complaints to the North Pole that Santa has been groping some of these adult women during official mall photos, and even during some of Santa’s own selfies and elfies.

Renta Santa, the company from whence the mall allegedly hired this Santa, has denied any legal culpability but did say that this particular Santa had once been a Minnesota state senator who had left the arena of politics due to some “inappropriate sexual behavior”.

A linguistics expert that we consulted with said that the term “Mall” will soon no longer be politically correct because it is homonymistically so very similar to the word “Maul”.

Elderly Fargo Man Arrested For Driving 29 MPH On I-29

Leave a reply
Travelling 29 mph down the interstate highway, with no worries, not a care in the... What are those flashing red lights?!

Travelling 29 mph down the interstate highway, with no worries, not a care in the… What are those flashing red lights?!

Fargo, ND – State Highway Patrol pulled over an elderly Fargo driver who was travelling at a very low rate of speed on Interstate-29.

Mr. Cornwall Wilbertson had for some reason decided to take the interstate when driving from North Fargo to West Acres to do some early Christmas shopping.

A number of drivers who passed him on the highway noted that if Cornwall was going any slower, he’d be completely stopped in the middle of his south-bound lane.

Mr. Wilbertson was arrested and booked for being a public nuisance and driving almost half of the minimum speed on a major interstate highway.

When asked what he was thinking, Mr. Wilbertson said: “Well, I was thinking about old time Christmases, with the eggnog and the mistletoe, and then we watched The Wizard of Oz on our brand new color television. I remembered how we always played pinochle after our Christmas meal and before opening presents. Member how Uncle Charlie always brought us nuts and oranges from his greenhouse? Member grandma always trying to play piano so we could sing Deck The Halls? Member when we made that snow fort after that big blizzard? Member when Dad drank too much? Member when Steven left a candle burning and burned the house down?“

UFO Spotted Within Fargo City Limits

Leave a reply
This UFO was seen hovering in many Fargo underpasses this last weekend.

This UFO was seen hovering in many Fargo underpasses this last weekend.

Fargo, ND – “If seeing is believing, then you can believe this one!”, said NDSU Ufologist Donald Parkins who captured this amazing unidentified flying object on special digital camera equipment.

The clear image of this green and yellow UFO was taken at about 2:15 AM on Sunday morning near West Acres.

Dr. Parkins: “Its lights were sometimes on and sometimes blinking but always the same Bison colours and it moved like a large bumblebee trapped in a garage.”

As we have come to learn, Fargo is a hotbed of UFO activity which usually coincides near a full moon.

Since the FM Observer practically majored in UFOs, please send any pictures you may have taken of the flying mysteries to us for public dissemination after we have a chance to analyze them with expensive specially-designed equipment at our spacious corporate headquarters.

In the meantime, we advise that you avoid the West Acres area late at night unless you want to have a personal encounter with a UFO.

West Acres Mall Stolen By Man Dressed As Security Guard

Leave a reply
Forensic photographers capture images of the crime scene where West Acres Mall was stolen.

Forensic photographers capture images of the crime scene where West Acres Mall was allegedly stolen.

Fargo, ND – The West Acres Mall was allegedly “stolen” during the night but investigators on the scene are still only using the phrase “temporarily missing”.

Unfortunately, police do not have the luxury of looking at any good security camera footage because that was also stolen, along with the entire mall.

By cleverly monitoring Facebook chatter, officials believe they are looking for a former mall security officer named S. Rae Hickok because of his claim on social media: “I just stole the West Acres Mall!”

Needless to say, West Acres Mall will be closed today and until this crime is solved.

In the meantime, if you have any information about this case or if you happen see the West Acres Mall somewhere, please call your local authorities immediately for a possible reward.

First Fargo Robin Sighting A Sign Of Spring And Global Warming

Leave a reply
I know it's a little early but it sure feels like Spring!

I know it’s a little early but it sure feels like Spring!

Fargo, ND – Multiple reports of a robin sighting in the trees around the West Acres Mall indicate that Spring is just around the corner.

Sheila McCox who had just entered the mall’s parking lot said: “I was so surprised and happy to see my first robin that my car drove itself into a light post!”

While many welcome an early sign of Spring, others grow increasingly concerned that late January is way too early for robins to be returning to Fargo.

Chief climatologist Thiv Simpskins says: “This is further confirmation of Global Warming. It may be time to seriously start looking for another planet.”

In the meantime, Fargo residents can begin to look for more signs of Spring: 1. The returning of the Redhawks, 2. Potholes, 3. The beginning of road construction season, 4. Minor flooding (if we’re lucky), and 5. Mosquitos carrying the Zika Virus.

West Acres Tunnel Fargo

Fargo To Build System Of Tunnel Roads

Leave a reply
TUNNEL1px1

In Fargo, tunnels just make a heck of a lot of sense.

Fargo, ND – In a last-ditch effort to save downtown Fargo, smart city planners are planning a federally-funded feasibility study to investigate the likely possibility of connecting struggling downtown Fargo to the ever-popular West Acres area through a complicated system of underground tunnels.

These tunnels would be both walkable and drivable and also include a drive-thru petting zoo along with a large underground drive-thru food court serving everything from tacos to lefse to zebra mussels.

Mitchal Graham, the city’s long-time Food Czar, is quite sure that the demand for lefse in this quirky northern area is perhaps maybe comparable to that of tacos, even on Taco Tuesdays. Mitch continues: “We also discovered a wonderful Russian recipe for zebra mussels, which now seem to be in plentiful supply locally.”

After multiple set-backs in their long-fought efforts to save the metro region from frequent 500-year floods, top city leaders say it’s time for a diversion to The Diversion.

Rather than continuing fruitless work to route Fargo-Moorhead’s flood-prone Red River around West Fargo’s nifty Sheyenne Diversion system, “We are going to have a little fun and try changing horses midstream”, says council-person Stone Chatman.

“All of a sudden, the boring FM flood diversion project has turned into a way more fun project that will finally connect the weird Downtown crowd with the more up-scale West Acres shoppers”, Stone explains.

When axed about the process that led to changing horses mid-stream, it was explained to our FMO website by a “real person” who wanted to remain under a total cloak of anonymity, that going through the whole slow process of having meetings and discussions that go off on long tangents, answering stupid questions from citizens who know nothing, and then finally voting a simple “yea” or “nay”, all sometimes leads to ultra-stupid solutions that make absolutely no sense what-so-ever.

“Sometimes you just have to follow your gut feelings and just do something spontaneous that you know is right for the community”, our cloaked annonymous informant whispered.

As for the Zebra Mussel recipe, continue to follow this trust-worthy website for all the latest details about how you too can turn an aquatic nuisance species into a delectable dish fit for a president.