Author Archives: Bill Burns

About Bill Burns

Bill grew up in one of the largest cities in the United States, Maza, North Dakota. Being a cow milker by trade, it was only after stroking thousands upon thousands of cow nipples was he able to save up enough money and move to Fargo, ND. It was here that he joined FM Observer. In his free time he enjoys carving rocking horses out of wood, healing the sick, and running marathons across oceans.

Mom Gets Daughter Unusual Birthday Gift.

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5 year old gets plastic surgery.

Fargo, ND —In a story you think didn’t come from this world, a Fargo mom dropped over 25k on her 5 year old daughter to get plastic surgery and breast enhancements.  The mom admits to herself that it could be viewed as weird to spend that much on such cosmetic things but believes this will help her daughter look younger.  “It has taken years off of her already maturing face,” the mom told us.  “She just doesn’t look like an old lady anymore.”  The mom thinks this will help her daughter break into the entertainment industry and having the surgery will make her daughter look more like her mother.  Apparently her mother, “looked like shit.”

“It has taken years off of her already maturing face,” the mom told us.

Rick Santorum Takes Home Most Votes In North Dakota.

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Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.

Fargo, ND –  Rick Santorum has taken home the most votes in North Dakota’s statewide Republican caucuses.  Or in Rick Santorum’s own words, “Satan has his sights on the United States of America.”  Only this time it’s North Dakota.  In what can only be considered an apocalyptic event, the entire population in the state of North Dakota has seem to come down with a sickness called ‘Critically Stupid’.  Sadly at this time, there is no cure for this devastating sickness.  North Dakota can only hope Santorum’s best friend, who goes by the name of God, can help cure this disease.

Man Bitten By Dog Minding His Own Business

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Not your average Lassie.

Fargo, ND –  A man on Tuesday morning was bitten by a dog minding his own business outside of Wheels Inc in Fargo.  Seeing the dog hanging it’s head out of the window minding it’s own business, the man decided it was a good idea to go and pet the dog.  The dog, thinking the vehicle it was in was his dog house, bit the man as he tried petting the dog.  Police and the bitten man are trying to locate the dog and it’s owner to see if he needs rabies shots.  When asked why the man didn’t write the plate number down or go inside to locate the man who owned the truck he replied, “Well that just makes too much damn sense.”

Daycare Breakin at Fraser Limited in Fargo, ND

Fargo Daycare Burglar Arrested

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Pee-yeew!

Fargo, ND –  Shawn Baker 26, was charged with a felony burglary today after being accused of breaking into Fraser Limited at 2901 S. University Dr.  After a short police interrogation, it became known that Beaterton had broken into the daycare because of a weird dirty diaper fetish or diperotica.  Beaterton allegedly likes to collect dirty diapers, sniff them, and store them around his house.  Pee-yeew to you Beaterton!