Friendly Reminders For The Professional Recreational Slowpitch Softball Guy

May 1st, 2013 | by Bill Burns

 

Slowpitch Softball GuySoftball season is upon us.  That means run-ins with softball guy.  You know, the guy who tries too hard playing in recreational adult slowpitch softball leagues.  The guy who takes things WAY too seriously.  The guy who thinks he is one hit away from getting signed professionally.

 

 

Here are some friendly reminders for that Professional Recreational Slowpitch Softball Guy

1.  It’s just a game.

2.  You are not Babe Ruth.

3.  There are no scouts in the bleachers looking to recruit you.

4.  You do not play for the Twins nor are they interested in you.

5.  There is no need to own more than 5 bats.

6.  It is unnecessary to argue with the umpire after every play.  You’re just an asshole.

7.  Your teammates do not appreciate your constant ‘advice’ and ‘tips’.

8.  There IS more to life than recreational softball.

9.  Practicing in a batting cage 5 months before softball season is a waste of time and money.

10.  If playing co-ed, it’s kind of a dick move running over the female catcher so you can score.

11.  Just because you’re team captain doesn’t mean you get to play every minute of the game, play any position you want, and put yourself in the batting order 6 times.

12.  Your teammates don’t appreciate the 11 p.m phone call the night before a game asking them if they are psyched for tomorrow.

13.  Playing on 5 different softball teams is a bit much.

14.  It should not take you anymore than 6 seconds to get ready at the plate. It’s slow pitch softball.  Keyword: SLOW

15.  Stepping away from the plate after already spending 10 seconds getting ready so you have even more time to get ready to hit the ball is FORBIDDEN.

16.  It’s considered weird if you have 5 years of softball statistics saved.  Even weirder if you frame them.

17.  Don’t get pissed if your teammate decides to not kill himself by diving halfway over the fence to spoil a home run.

18. Don’t forget to bring a towel!

19.  It’s not ok to grunt after every swing.  It makes people wonder if there is something wrong with you (which there probably is).

20.  It’s not ok to fight the other team.

21.  Purposely taking walks is not cool.  Swing the bat there, Babe Ruth.

22.  If you literally look like a professional baseball player (eye paint, pants, 2 gloves, shirt, socks, arm bands, full blown under armor gear under your clothes, etc….), you’re out there for the wrong reasons and should just put the bat down and go home.

 

If you ever do run into ‘softball guy’ just simply ask them one question and one question only, “Why don’t you go pro?”


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Bill grew up in one of the largest cities in the United States, Maza, North Dakota. Being a cow milker by trade, it was only after stroking thousands upon thousands of cow nipples was he able to save up enough money and move to Fargo, ND. It was here that he joined FM Observer. In his free time he enjoys carving rocking horses out of wood, healing the sick, and running marathons across oceans.