Tag Archives: professional

25 Eating Tips By FMObserver Senior Staff Dietitian Angie Pitts

Eating is all about choices. The more choices you make, the more you get to eat. –Angie Pitts

Since eating is such a universal activity, and Eating Well has now become so hip and trendy, we here at the FM Observer decided to proactively hire our own Senior Staff Dietitian to provide free, important, and helpful advice to all of our readers (and also to those who cannot read).

Professional Dietitian Angie Pitts (no relation to Brad Pitts) has compiled the following excellent list of Eating Tips for the 21st Century.

Angie Pitts in her own words: I would like to thank the FM Observer for 1. bringing me on board so that I can reach millions of people who eat on a daily basis, and 2. putting their trust in me that I can provide the latest cutting-edge advice that both you and your family deserve.

25 Great Eating Tips (by Angie Pitts)

Eat while you’re working out.
Never eat on an empty stomach.
Food always goes into the mouth.
Never eat more than you can lift.
When in doubt, poke it with a fork.
Always download before you upload.
Eat more fish than your spousemate.
Cut down on anything that’s saturated.
Have a glass of wine when you’re nervous.
Always carry an extra Snickers bar with you.
Eat vegetables because you are what you eat.
Never eat between snacks, unless it’s a meal.
Remember to swallow to prevent oral dysphagia.
Crown your Chicken ala King with a steak medallion.
To aid with digestion, purée your meals in a blender.
Go for a short jog following each of your main meals.
Eat slowly unless being rushed by a corrections officer.
Do not sit upside down during meals (and no head stands).
For fluffy scrambled eggs, beat them well like you’re Ray Rice.
Avoid talking in full sentences while eating (short phrases only).
Eat as much chicken fried steak (with the white gravy) as possible.
To thicken foods, add potato flakes. If too thick, add beef bouillon.
Eat at a variety of fast food restaurants to ensure a well-balanced diet.
Chew each bite of food at least 40 times unless you’re in an eating contest.
Only eat half of what’s on your plate (freeze the rest for a midnight snack).

Ironically, “Angie Pitts” can be rearranged into: Eating Tips!

New FM Area Golf Course To Cross Interstate Highway

Golf Pro Wade Lancer does not see playing golf over Interstate-94 as a big problem.

Fargo, ND – In an effort to keep up with a growing demand for golf courses in the greater Fargo-Moorhead area, Urban Golf Association Partners (UGAP) is opening its newest challenge along Interstate 94.

It is called Fargo Diversions and its catchy slogan is: “We put the PAR in Party!” This unique golf course will have players actually shooting over I-94 in multiple places.

Its designers have added five extra holes so that par for the course is 94 shots in honor of the Interstate Highway 94.

“This 23 hole golf course will possibly be the location for the 2026 US Open Golf Tournament if things proceed as we have foreseen them,” says golf pro Wade Lancer who encourages you to please call the clubhouse and make your reservations to play Fargo’s newest and funnest golf course.

FM Observer: “But what about the cars? What about people playing golf across I-94? Doesn’t UGAP see this as a potential problem?”

Golf Pro Wade Lancer: “Well, we figure most FM area golfers are good enough to not hit a fracking car, and besides that, it’s not easy to hit a moving target so the golfers probably couldn’t hit a car or truck even if they were trying to.”

FMO’s Golf Pro Shares Valuable Tips To Greatly Improve Your Game

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FMO’s golf pro will use the most advanced scientific methodologies to figure out why your golf game sucks so badly.

West Fargo, ND – Your FM Observer recently hired a golf professional to join our growing staff. Wade Lancer is his name and improving your golfing is his game.

Here are a few easy ways that Wade Lancer has put together to immediately shave strokes off your scorecard and also some great extra bonus tips to help impress your golfing buddies:

Pre-Game: Take a long hot shower in the morning and then major carb load on Mexican rice, beans, and enchiladas. A margarita or two certainly couldn’t hurt either if you’re feeling nervous. This warm-up routine should help illiminate your nasty snap-hook.

Clothing: Always wear a very bright and colorful outfit to play golf. Many rounds of golf are either won or lost while standing on the first tee-off box as your playing partners secretly size up their competition. Why do you think Ricky Fowler has been so darn successful?

Driving: To find your natural grip, simply hold your golf club like you’re grabbing a pool cue to swing at a bar-room attacker. After teeing up your ball as high as possible, remain in a steady, balanced ready-position long enough to summon up all that volcanic anger you felt during yesterday’s road rage incident when that loser cut in front of you and then flipped you off. As you swing to hit the ball, focus all that pent-up anger like a funneled laser beam onto the impact point of the ball. Don’t worry about your follow through because by that time, the ball is hopefully long gone in the right direction.

Fairway Shots: Using whichever club is your favorite, always aim straight for the flag on the green and then yell “fore!” after stroking your ball. It’s OK to tee your golf ball up on a perfect tuft of grass as long as you invoke “Winter Rules” beforehand.

Driving A Cart: Quite honestly, this is the best part of golfing. Sudden starts and stops are best. Always have drinks and snacks handy. Feel free to drive over your opponent’s golf ball especially if they’re not watching.

Chipping: This is easy. Simply use your chipper to launch the ball up onto the green much like you would just toss the ball with your hand. If a player from the group behind you ever hits their ball up into your general vicinity, do that person a huge favor and immediately hit their ball back at them and say “You’re welcome!”

Putting: Clear your mind of distractions like that unopened IRS audit envelope sitting on your desk. Trust your instincts to get the ball somewhat close to the hole. Anything within a club length of the hole is considered a gimme.

For more tricks and tips to help your golf game not suck so bad, simply ask anyone looking like they might be Wade Lancer if they have time to maby watch you hit a bucket of balls.

The New Goal When Playing Tennis Is To Lose

Many pros now using their challenges to prove one of their shots is OUT instead of GOOD, as called.

Many pros now using their challenges to prove that their own shots should have been called OUT, instead of GOOD.

Tennis, SD – It seems political correctness has now changed the game of tennis.

While LOVE still means nothing, the goal of winning the game has changed.

What’s going to matter moving forward is how many matches have you lost, not won.

This change in the basic goal of the game can now be seen while watching professional tennis players.

In fact, challenges of a call are now used to prove a player’s shot was not good.

With the new goal of tennis being to lose, this will now give hope to many young (and old) poor tennis players.

Being physically fit will no longer be a plus but rather a minus.

Some professional tennis players in the future might not even be tennis players!

Slowpitch Softball Guy

Friendly Reminders For The Professional Recreational Slowpitch Softball Guy


Slowpitch Softball GuySoftball season is upon us.  That means run-ins with softball guy.  You know, the guy who tries too hard playing in recreational adult slowpitch softball leagues.  The guy who takes things WAY too seriously.  The guy who thinks he is one hit away from getting signed professionally.



Here are some friendly reminders for that Professional Recreational Slowpitch Softball Guy

1.  It’s just a game.

2.  You are not Babe Ruth.

3.  There are no scouts in the bleachers looking to recruit you.

4.  You do not play for the Twins nor are they interested in you.

5.  There is no need to own more than 5 bats.

6.  It is unnecessary to argue with the umpire after every play.  You’re just an asshole.

7.  Your teammates do not appreciate your constant ‘advice’ and ‘tips’.

8.  There IS more to life than recreational softball.

9.  Practicing in a batting cage 5 months before softball season is a waste of time and money.

10.  If playing co-ed, it’s kind of a dick move running over the female catcher so you can score.

11.  Just because you’re team captain doesn’t mean you get to play every minute of the game, play any position you want, and put yourself in the batting order 6 times.

12.  Your teammates don’t appreciate the 11 p.m phone call the night before a game asking them if they are psyched for tomorrow.

13.  Playing on 5 different softball teams is a bit much.

14.  It should not take you anymore than 6 seconds to get ready at the plate. It’s slow pitch softball.  Keyword: SLOW

15.  Stepping away from the plate after already spending 10 seconds getting ready so you have even more time to get ready to hit the ball is FORBIDDEN.

16.  It’s considered weird if you have 5 years of softball statistics saved.  Even weirder if you frame them.

17.  Don’t get pissed if your teammate decides to not kill himself by diving halfway over the fence to spoil a home run.

18. Don’t forget to bring a towel!

19.  It’s not ok to grunt after every swing.  It makes people wonder if there is something wrong with you (which there probably is).

20.  It’s not ok to fight the other team.

21.  Purposely taking walks is not cool.  Swing the bat there, Babe Ruth.

22.  If you literally look like a professional baseball player (eye paint, pants, 2 gloves, shirt, socks, arm bands, full blown under armor gear under your clothes, etc….), you’re out there for the wrong reasons and should just put the bat down and go home.


If you ever do run into ‘softball guy’ just simply ask them one question and one question only, “Why don’t you go pro?”