West Fargo, ND – A local man is suing the makers of Red Bull® energy drink, claiming the product produced “uncomfortable and disproportionate feathery growths” sprouting from underneath both shoulder blades. Adam Odegaard fell victim to the quaint little slogan “Red Bull® gives you wings” the very minute he threw back his fifth can of the caffeine-infused swill while fishing the Sheyenne river. The process was said to have been incredibly painful, and when finished, the flying abilities Adam experienced were akin to that of a newborn vulture. The wings were utterly useless. The Observer caught up with this very flustered individual directly after the incident took place:
“I was inhaling Red Bulls that day. One after the other. All of a sudden, I caught a gust of wind and flew about 25 feet into the air. It sucked. It hurt like hell to flap my new appendages and as I tried to guide myself I had no control & ended up plunging into the river. If I wasn’t completely high and numb from all the caffeine I would have been even more pissed.”
Adam went on to say that the wings were what kept him from drowning, acting as a sort of awkward flotation device. Mr. Odegaard is seeking compensation for damages caused to his body as well as his dignity. Red Bull® could not be reached for comment.