Large legally-blind lizard mistakenly devours small neighbor man like a rodent snack.
Dilworth, MN – The Minnesota Animal Task Force has reported that a large reptilian pet that escaped from its steel cage gradually wandered over into a nearby neighbor’s yard where it consumed a small man.
The victim was a diminutive gentleman by the name of Dr. Nome Fletcher, a retired motivational speaker who lived alone after his entire family joined Scientology.
The reptile was a full-grown monitor lizard whose name was Mahluq, which is the Uzbeki word for ‘monster’.
The reptile’s owner, Umid Ruslan, explained that his pet monitor lizard Mahluq had always had a hard time seeing things close up as it suffered from hyperopia when Umid adopted him from the Humane Society.
Mahluq’s owner believes that his monitor lizard maybe mistook Dr. Fletcher for some sort of rodent such as a capybara or perhaps even a nutria.
“I had always wanted to get Mahluq some glasses,” said Umid regretfully, “but there’s just not a lot of places that make eyeglasses for monitor lizards.”
West Fargo, ND – In an open letter to his bordering neighbor, local resident Randy Mills made his feelings about the motion-detecting floodlight facing his house abundantly clear:
From: Randy Mills (ArchAngel420@ymail.com)
To: Gerald Bartholomew (G_Money_2010@mailsys.net)
Subject: DIM YOUR FLOODLIGHT, BUTTHOLE
I am writing you to complain regarding your motion-activated floodlight! There seems to be no getting through to you! I have tried to be nice, but you will not listen! Many times we have spoken about this shining beacon of uselessness blazing through the outer reaches of the cosmos! Every time a bird or a squirrel passes by at night, it switches on and proceeds to sear my retinas and melt the siding off my house! There is too much wattage there!! Please find the attached drawing for further explanation, dick!
Also want you to know I have danced the Dance of Evil in spite of you; the spirits of Eternal Damnation have been summoned and will begin to torment your very existence.
At the time of this publication, there has been no response from that dick Gerald. We will be watching as this neighborly feud continues.