Author Archives: Nick

About Nick

Interstrapolating condectistic devariance via opentasmic protensive mindopathy.

Colorblind Mom Leaves Daycare With Fake Plastic Infant

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Baby aliveFargo, ND—It was supposed to be just another Wednesday afternoon for a Fargo mom. Frosha VanTinkle, a colorblind, drove to Scabby Trail Daycare like usual to pick up her infant daughter Spyler. What happened next may shock you.

What you may not realize about the colorblind is that they not only suffer great difficulty differentiating colors–they also struggle telling the difference between what is real and what is not, as evidenced in this 20th-century Conan O’Brien segment:

Unfortunately for VanTinkle, she mistook a fake plastic Baby Alive® for little Spyler. An honest mistake for a colorblind. VanTinkle fed, bathed, and clothed what she thought was her daughter until the Baby Alive ran out of battery power and died. A frenzied VanTinkle then called 911. When paramedics arrived, they facetiously informed her what she had done and she was able to retrieve the real baby Spyler from Scabby Trail Daycare.

Please remember to watch out for the colorblind. If you see a colorblind slopping down a urinal cake, simply wish it a happy birthday and be on your merry way. Thank you.

Dr. Pepper Sued For Malpractice

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Dr. Qance Pepper, M.D.

Dr. Qance Pepper, M.D.

Dr. Pepper is headed to court.

Fargo, ND—A former patient of local necrosurgeon Dr. Qance Pepper, M.D. is suing for malpractice due to what he’s calling a botched necroplasty. The plaintiff, Sextin Growshaft, is citing “extreme negligence” among other charges.

Growshaft, having been a huge fan of the Walking Dead comic book and television series, contacted Dr. Pepper last March to see if he was a candidate for necroplasty. “I love zombies and badly wanted to become one,” said Growshaft. “Dr. Pepper was seemingly the only option. I wanted him to turn me into a decaying foot-dragging brain-chewer but as it turns out, Dr. Pepper is nothing but a fraud.”

Dr. Pepper is the area’s premiere necrosurgeon having been performing necroplasty on willing patients for over a decade. “Necroplasty is, in every case, fatal, if performed correctly,” stated Dr. Pepper. “I’ve been sued countless times for malpractice due to the deaths my successful surgeries have caused. Now, to have a customer sue me for a botched procedure….well, this one really stings.”

The Observer has learned that Dr. Pepper plans to fight the lawsuit with his wife Diet Pepper by his side.

Fargo Man to Keep Vacation Beard Going

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vacation-beardFargo, ND—Local resident Qace Zombytakle has returned from a shaveless vacation, and he’s found himself relatively pleased with his resulting facial hair ensemble. So much so, he’s decided to keep rockin’ it.

“I think i’m gonna just let it hang,” says Zombytakle. The presence of mandible fur has become a welcome comfort. “Beards are kinda in right now anyway. Let’s just see where this goes.”

Zombytakle has “never let it hang down this far” before, so he’s excited about what’s to come.

Friends and co-workers are abuzz with the news of Zombytakle’s decision to render stubble. “He’s always sported a mediocre jawline. Follicle neglect should compliment the pie hole nicely,” says longtime friend Bemmen Derschitzla. “I hope it doesn’t get anyone pregnant.”

 

City of Hawley to Construct Hawley-Wood Dock Of Fame

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Dock of Fame prototype

Dock of Fame prototype

Hawley, MN—Taking a page from the Hollywood textbook of glitz and glamour, the city of Hawley, Minnesota will be constructing their own living, commemorative outdoor museum entitled the Hawley-Wood Dock of Fame. A gigantic, sprawling multi-level wooden boat dock made from carvings depicting various lake-related accomplishments will be built on Silver Lake as a moving tribute to those who have attained them.

The city council sees this as a fantastic opportunity to attract tourism to Hawley. Statewide fishing records and various water sport records will adorn the magnificent dock that officials hope will turn into the Hollywood Walk of Fame of the North.

Hawley Mayor Thamis Gwayrod shared his enthusiasm. “People from miles around will come see our soon-to-be historic Dock of Fame. State records like Biggest Bass, Largest Lake Trout, Wildest Walleye, Meatiest Muskie, Nastiest Northern, Highest Water Ski Jump and Most Consecutive Wakeboard Flips will all adorn our proud dock. If you build it, they will come and with a name like Hawley-Wood, who could say no?”

City officials are now taking applications from all who would like to lend their woodcarving talents to this wondrous memorial. Construction is set to begin in August.

Fargo Man Allegedly Renting Out Tree House

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utilities: not included

utilities: not included

Fargo, ND—An area man is allegedly subletting his creaky back yard tree fort.

Neighbors are saying they’ve noticed something crawl into and out of a tree house in the back yard of South Fargo resident Sheshy Tisslancer. “I seen somethin’ back there. Ain’t sure what, but it’s either a 200-pound raccoon or a gawd-damn homus erectus,” exclaimed neighboring resident Puter Naldow.

“Sheshy’s been keeping someone up in that tree house, i’m almost positive,” said backyard neighbor Pavia Hobbernathy. “Lot of rustling going on up there that I don’t think a squirrel family would cause.”

When asked about what’s really going on in his tree house, Tisslancer stayed tight-lipped. “Nothin’, honey.”

A simple tree fort as one’s primary residence would contradict a number of FM Housing Authority bylaws. As of press time, the FMHA has not been formally notified of any violations. Stay glued to the FM Observer for updates.

Area Teen Disgusted That Substitute Teacher Isn’t Hot

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West Fargo, ND—A West Fargo Middle School junior has voiced his displeasure over the alleged unfavorable physical characteristics of today’s substitute algebra teacher, Mrs. Jonisbarnmeister.

Substitute teacher Qonchy Jonisbarnmeister, at best a 3 out of 10, caught the ire of Nodd Winnials, 17, during this morning’s roll call. Winnials could be heard scoffing and making obvious fart noises as Mrs. Jonisbarnmeister recited names and when Jonisbarnmeister called out his name for roll, Winnials hastily interrupted her with a loud belching sound.

Eyewitness reports also confirm that Winnials then began slandering the substitute teacher under his breath, using carefully-crafted one-liners such as:

“Is that where the NDSU Bison got their logo?”

“Jonisbarnmeister? More like UGLYbarnMISTER.”

“Hey, who let ManBearPig out of its cage?”

“I have now decided my purpose in this life. I hereby declare that my singular reason for existence, now and forever, is to systematically eradicate undesirable humans from the face of this planet. I swear to the Gods I shall uphold this declaration or absolutely and without complaint, die trying.”

First period algebra ended without incident.

flying_baby

Surrogate Mother Repos Infant From Deadbeat Parent

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Man Moves Out Of Womb After 28 YearsFargo, ND—An incident involving a member of a local surrogate mother association chapter has our community reeling. Surrogate Mothers United (SMU) Fargo branch saw one of its own taking matters into her own hands, the Observer has learned. Vatchy Lelto-Coppo, an SMU serial donor, reportedly became so fed up with the behavior of one of the branch’s infant donation recipients that she decided to take matters into her own hands.

“Bitch quit payin’ me stipend,” explained Lelto-Coppo, in between heavy drags of vape cig. “I squatted outta kid for this ratchet an’ she just shut me out. Oh hell no, nuh uh bitch.”

Lelto-Coppo is under legal jurisdiction to repossess her surrogate gift, as stated in page 204 of the SMU Donation Contract, which clearly states:

Donor shall receive no more than but no less than one skin-to-skin contact with gestation per week and/or one agreed-upon donation stipend per week, no more than four (4) times per calendar month. If recipient fails to provide either stipend or skin-to-skin for longer than four (4) times a calendar month, donor will be allowed to reclaim gestation.

When the deadbeat parent quit paying both skin-to-skin and her stipend, Lelto-Coppo became enraged and was forced to move forward with the repossession.

The deadbeat ratchet declined to comment.

The Melvins’ Buzz Osborne Comes Back to Fargo

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PromoImage“It’s only after we’ve done everything that we’re free to do anything” was what Tyler Durden said in the movie Fight Club (or something like that–I may have slightly butchered the quote). That holds true with Buzz Osborne of the Melvins. It almost seems like he’s done everything: over 30 recorded albums in addition to more than 2,000 live shows covers a ton of ground.  He’s produced over 30 years of sonically-intimidating grunge, metal and semi-acoustic but not quite full-blown acoustic rock. That is, until this most recent solo album for which he’s touring our great country to promote.

“This Machine Kills Artists” steers completely away from Melvins tradition in that it features Buzz, alone with an instrument that he’s spent the past few decades mastering. It’s not typically loud, but it’s not that quiet either:

I enjoyed it as a change-of-pace collection of tracks (you get 17 total). It’s not terribly folk-y, so don’t expect to hear Jack Johnson or Neil Young. Think the Melvins, but sans the electric amps and percussion. Anyhow, the purpose here is not to promote the album alone, but an intimate live performance of it. Buzz takes the Aquarium stage by himself on Thursday, 6/26 to not simply play a gig, but to provide a sort of storytelling experience interlaced with songs from the album.

If you go:

Thursday, June 26th @ The Aquarium, 226 Broadway N, Fargo, ND

Doors open 8:00pm, show starts 9:00pm

Tickets can be obtained HERE

Ages 21 and over

God: ObamaCare Disrupting My Plan

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jesus-tearHeaven, Planet Earth—Since the 44th President of these United States invented a way for people who couldn’t afford or were denied health insurance benefits to affordably obtain health insurance benefits, the Great And Omnipotent One has taken notice. God, in all his Power and Glory, voiced his mighty concern over what He feels people are using to cheat His system:

“AS I’VE BRAINWASHED YOU ALL TO BELIEVE, YOU ARE ALL PART OF GOD’S PLAN. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. A TWISTER DECIMATED YOUR HOME FOR A REASON. YOU’RE WELCOME. YOUR 4-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER AMANDA CONTRACTED LEUKEMIA FOR A REASON. YOU’RE WELCOME. BUT NOW, WITH YOUR TIMELY ACQUISITION OF HEALTH INSURANCE VIA OBAMACARE, LITTLE AMANDA’S PRE-EXISTING CONDITION WON’T GO UNTREATED AND SHE MAY ACTUALLY LIVE. THIS IS ONE OF MANY UNFORTUNATE INSTANCES IN WHICH MY GRAND DESIGN FOR A HUMAN LIFE HAS BECOME GREATLY DISRUPTED. SAAAAD PAAANDA.”

Prior to the implementation of the Affordable Care Act, Amanda’s parents would have been denied health insurance due largely in part to Amanda contracting leukemia before her family obtained coverage. Now, under these new laws, Amanda and her parents can go to battle against a life-threatening illness and not become homeless and/or bankrupt as a result.

School Board to Implement School Shooting Drills

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Bert2In the wake of what has been the 74th school shooting since the Newtown massacre, school districts are taking a proactive steps to better prepare their kids for the sort of danger that could potentially take place within their walls.

Tornado drills and fire drills have been the norm for decades. Now, with mass shootings occurring on an ongoing basis, “shooting drills” are being implemented. The proliferation of public-area gun violence has left administrators with no other choice but to help brace their kids for a sudden act of deadly force.

School superintendent Ertson McFluck explains the Board’s preventive measure. “Tornado drills have us ducking and covering. Fire drills have us exiting the building. Shooting drills will probably see teachers hang a ‘NO KIDS HERE’ sign on the classroom doorknob or some stupid thing. We’re not sure yet. There’s really nowhere safe to go if a mad gunman enters. These buildings weren’t engineered with frickin panic rooms. Locking a classroom door is a fool’s effort–an armed murderer would easily blast his way through. It’s absurd that it’s come to this, but our children and faculty need to be at least somewhat prepared.”

The Board seems fully aware of the nation’s school shooting epidemic and is moving as quickly as possible towards a reasonable course of preventive action.