Author Archives: Nick

About Nick

Interstrapolating condectistic devariance via opentasmic protensive mindopathy.

World’s Greatest Dad Mug Added to Dad Hall Of Fame

Flint, MI—The results are in! The yearly induction of fatherly memorabilia into the Dad Hall Of Fame has been decided. Executives have voted to induct the World’s Greatest Dad mug into the Dad Hall Of Fame in Flint, Michigan.

The coronation and induction ceremony was held Wednesday, November 13th so as not to interrupt any televised football, baseball or meaningful basketball games.

It was a tight race. World’s Greatest Dad mug beat out other finalist Kiss The Cook apron with a little over 60% of the vote.

Officials placed the World’s Greatest Dad mug in between a pair of cut-off jorts and a pair of Crocs with socks.

Google Maps Street View Boat Discovers Bermuda Triangle

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Mountain View, CA—Google’s proprietary mapping application Google Maps continues to bring locations around the globe to the tips of your fingers with its roving band of Street View camera cars, jeeps and boats. There is reason to celebrate today at Google headquarters as the Street View team seems to have hit the jackpot with their latest discovery.

The Bermuda Triangle

The second they are taken, Street View vehicles transmit pictures instantaneously via satellite to Google headquarters in Mountain View, CA.

One of Google’s spyboats snapped this photo (seen at right) from smack dab in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean between Puerto Rico, Florida and Bermuda—also known as the Bermuda Triangle. A giant suction vortex can be seen in the photo which was presumably taken moments before the unmanned spyboat met its doom.

Google executives and Bermuda Triangle theorists alike are ecstatic over the discovery of this giant drainage system in the Atlantic. NASA has already caught wind of it and is said to be preparing a Mars rover for deployment into the Bermuda Sinkhole.

So there you have it–the Bermuda Triangle is an enormous toilet. Perhaps we will finally figure out where all those planes and boats disappeared to over the years?

Meth Revealed To Be Totally Awesome In Small Doses

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Fargo, ND—A recent study concludes that methamphetamine, the horribly corrosive and addictive narcotic, is said to be “totally awesome” in small doses.

Researchers at the Fargo Institute of Technology (FIT) conducted internal field studies using meth they obtained “discreetly” and have determined it can be used “sporadically” with very positive results.

“Methamphetamine, or “meth” as it is commonly called, can be synthesized using over-the-counter medications and if consumed at the proper frequency, can really energize a person, thus making them drastically happier and more productive.” FIT said in a report released today. It went on to say that “Meth is much more powerful than caffeine, and if used on an infrequent basis in a controlled environment it can and does produce overwhelmingly powerful results.”

The proper frequency is stated to be “less than once per hour, on an as-needed basis” in order to control addiction. If used in this frequency, meth is reported by FIT to be “totally fucking awesome” and “kicks ass dude you wouldn’t believe it.”

In response to that Fargo woman’s Halloween letter to obese kids

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A Fargo woman called Y-94 the other day and said she was going to hand out letters to “moderately obese” children in lieu of edible goodies because no, that’s not tasteless or shameful at all. In response to that brazen announcement, the Observer would like to fire back. Follow along with her pictured letter, if you will…

Happy Halloween and Happy Holidays, Neighbor!

You are probably wondering why you’ve been given this note. Have you ever heard the saying “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all?” I am disappointed in this negative, demeaning thing you are planning to do.

Your ideals are, in my opinion, overly critical and unnecessary and should not be projected to any child you happen to recognize as “moderately obese”. This type of action is as bad as calling a kid “fat”. You’re nothing more than a bully.

My hope is that you will stand down as a respectable neighbor and keep this shameful letter taped to your bathroom mirror as a constant reminder of how utterly perfect and without flaws you are.

Thank You

Let that serve as a retort until this letter and everything leading up to it is revealed to be a huge prank.

Government Shutdown Leaves Police Department Short-Staffed

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Rambo mode

West Fargo, ND—Amidst a federal government shutdown which the GOP minority is pitifully and embarrassingly using as leverage to bully the Affordable Care Act’s initiatives/supporters into their corner, local police departments are suffering a shortage of warm bodies.

The West Fargo Police Department is especially short-staffed, as all but one officer has decided to stay home due to the freezing of budget assets.

Officer Kenneth Noisewater, in bold defiance of the government shutdown, showed up ready and rarin’ to go for his morning shift. “I may not get paid today, tomorrow, next week or next month, but i’ll be damned if i’m letting any juveniles smoke cigarettes or degenerate drunks speed down Main avenue in their rust-bucket F-150s after getting lit up at the Town Hall. Not on my watch! I’ll go Rambo on their asses if I have to.”

Noisewater stated implicitly that he’s ready to extinguish crime of all forms by himself if he needs to and that he’s “not to be jerked with” during the government shutdown. It would appear that this government shutdown is already starting to affect many people in a variety of ways.

What to do now that Breaking Bad has ended

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Bad: Broken

One of the finest television dramas of all time has officially come to a close. It was as fantastic as fantastic shows get. Our main character evolved from a jovial father-figure to a ruthless drug kingpin leaving a trail of utter destruction in his wake and boy, are we hungover.

T H E F E A R has set in. The feeling of helpless withdrawal. That same feeling an addict gets when his or her stash runs out and there’s no telling when the next fix will come.

The horror! What to do now?? You are flailing. Your Sunday nights will never be the same. Remember the throes of sickness we went through after THE WIRE ended? You don’t? You didn’t see THE WIRE??

Anyway, the issue at hand: You’re freaking out! We’ve Broken Bad and it’s all over but the crying! Hug for you. Everything will be fine. As always, The Observer is here to help.

How to appropriately deal with the loss of a show:

Talk about the show with someone who is caught up. It’s unhealthy to process every single nuance of the program yourself. If you try to do that, you will short-circuit your brain. You have to bounce your thoughts off one or more individuals who have opinions on its outcome. Can’t stress this enough. Message boards, forums, tweets and facebook are at your service if you don’t personally know someone who has Broken Bad (but chances are that you do). In so doing, you will form a bond with your fellow Broken Bads and in turn, help each other cope.

Watch it again. The show is over. The curtain has fallen….or has it? Walt & Jesse don’t have to be just a memory. They exist in the form of digital download on iTunes and instant streaming via Netflix. Heck, you can even stream the show online for free if you look hard enough (*cough* project free tv *cough cough*). After all, ease of access is what helped make the show so immensely popular. Reboot the show and consume the pilot episode like it’s your first of many heroin blasts.

Create a shrine. Cop a boatload of merch. Vamanos Pest work shirts, Walt & Jesse posters, Los Pollos Hermanos lunch bucket, blue meth candy, etc. Compile all of it into a giant Breaking Bad shrine and worship this shrine every Sunday night for eternity.

A simple three-point plan to help you get over your loss. Start this process now because if you don’t, next Sunday you’ll find yourself a borderline-suicidal mess. RIP Breaking Bad.

Batman Speaks Out Regarding Ben Affleck Casting Decision

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GOTHAM CITY—The Dark Knight. The Caped Crusader. The Bat Man. Whatever you want to call him, you call him that with a straight face and some respect because he takes the role of Gotham’s Protector very seriously.

So seriously in fact, that when he found out who would be playing him in the upcoming series of Batman/Superman movies he took to the underground media to voice his opinion on the topic:

“BEN AFFLECK….HAS BEEN IN MANY MOVIES….PLAYED MANY CHARACTERS….HE’S EVEN DIRECTED A FEW….HELL, HE EVEN….PLAYED ‘DAREDEVIL’ ONCE…..BUT THAT……DOES NOT SUFFICIENTLY….PREPARE HIM…..FOR THE ROLE…..OF THE DARK KNIGHT….JUST BECAUSE…..THE SUIT FITS….DOESN’T MEAN…..YOU SHOULD WEAR IT……I MEAN…..LOOK AT GEORGE CLOONEY……THAT…..WAS A TOTAL…..DISASTER…….AND VAL KILMER…….DON’T GET ME….STARTED….WHEN I SAW…..THAT PATHETIC EFFORT….I ALMOST CALLED…..THE JUSTICE LEAGUE….TO HAVE HIM…..EXTERMINATED…..LIKE A PIECE….OF GOTHAM CITY….TRASH…..THE AFFLECK ERA….WILL GO NO BETTER….CHRISTIAN BALE….MICHAEL KEATON….THAT’S WHERE IT’S AT…..”

And then, in a blink of an eye, he was gone. It is not unlike Batman to be very direct with his insight. He’s clearly against the Affleck decision. To please the Dark Knight, perhaps Hollywood should go another route? Not even Bryan Cranston as Lex Luthor can save this casting blunder.

Your Buddy Has Stuff On Couch So You Get To Crash On Floor

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Fargo, ND—After a long night of drinking, your buddy let you crash at his house the other night. Normally you’d be able to crash on the couch, but he has a bunch of junk sitting on there and he ~~doesn’t want it moved~~ is too drunk and lazy to move it so you get to crash on the floor with a blanket and pillow.

“Yeah, brah, just crash on the floor over there by the area rug. I’ll move that stuff tomorrow,” your buddy said as you stood there next to the couch in a drunken stupor. Then your buddy whipped a pillow and blanket in your general direction and muttered something that sounded like “See you in the morning brah.”

You ended up crashing on the floor for a few hours. Then, your half-drunk ass couldn’t take it anymore and you actually literally called a cab and went home to nurse your sore neck and back (not to mention your head-pounding hangover).

You were quoted as saying “This happens every time.”

Christian Ponder Was The 12th Overall Pick In The 2011 Draft

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A little over two years ago, the Purple saw what they thought was a precious jewel. An opportunity to fill a need. After many MONTHS of scouting that included team workouts, the NFL Combine, player interviews, relentless film study, research and preparation—amidst eligible QB draftees such as Andy Dalton and Colin Kaepernick—the Vikings selected Christian Ponder as the 12th overall pick in the 2011 NFL draft.