Author Archives: Nick

About Nick

Interstrapolating condectistic devariance via opentasmic protensive mindopathy.

United States government closing Florida border permanently

Washington, DC – With the George Zimmerman verdict serving as the straw that broke the camel’s back, the government of our fair nation has decided to (finally) close Florida’s border off from the rest of the country. This crudely-drawn map details the government’s plans to build a big ass wall clear across the FL-GA border and southwards, west of Tallahassee to the Gulf of Mexico:

Surely against their will, Alabama will be granted the excess land. If they so desire, the new section of Alabama can secede and become a territory. Call it “New Alabama”. No one will be allowed ground entry from Florida to Georgia or New Alabama in a brazen attempt to keep the psychotic riff raff comprising the state of Florida (better known as “America’s anus”) sectioned off from civilized humanity.

In a statement, President Obama outlined his plan:

“The Secretary of the Interior is currently extracting budgeted funds to finance the construction of a “Great Wall” that will completely seal the border, letting Florida govern and fend for itself forever. We will station National Guard members at strategically-placed watchtower locations along the Great Wall for protection. It’s time to seal that baby off. In addition to keeping our fellow Americans safe, thousands of jobs will be created to assist in the construction of the Great Wall. This maneuver is good for our economy and the only way to deal with Florida at this point.”

The President went on to say that commercial air travel will continue “at your own risk” for sports teams, vacationers, family visits and things of that nature. His apparent theory is that Florida riff raff don’t have the ways & means to travel by air anyway, thereby negating the need for a ‘no fly zone’. The Coast Guard will also be on high alert for any watercraft attempting to commute from the shores of Florida to American beaches. Water commuters will be treated as pirates and shot dead on sight.

Kudos to Obama for ostracizing the creatures of Florida to protect the rest of the country.

Former Coach’s Nightclub Location Survives Suicide Attempt

gbin03Moorhead, MN—The downtown location of a former hip & now, with it and wow nightclub has survived an apparent suicide attempt. The past home of Coach’s Sports Pub on 6th Street and Center Avenue in Moorhead set itself on fire early this morning.

What was once the go-to location in Moorhead for college students and partygoers has completely let itself go over the better part of the last decade. The former hotspot is known to have been battling depression as of late, and this recent suicide attempt looks like an obvious cry for help.

“Ever since Coach’s went away, the building has never been the same” says Cyndi McVickers, a former nightclub patron. “It just sits there, looking all sad and lonely, getting fat. I feel bad for it. I have to say, hearing about this suicide attempt is not surprising at all.”

Firefighters battled the suicide attempt for many hours last night, putting out fires in and around the area that used to be the kitchen.

The departure of Coach’s left a sore spot in the downtown area. It dealt a blow that 600 Center Street never fully recovered from. We wish the building well and hope for a speedy recovery.

Russia Says It’s Not Harboring Any Pale, Colorless Americans

washington-urges-russia-to-return-edward-snowden-to-usMoscow, Russia—Vladimir Putin and his evil band of KGB cronies vehemently stated earlier today that they are not knowingly in possession of any ghastly-looking American males, especially those named Edward Snowman.

Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov said defiantly in response to the United States’ demand for extradition, “We don’t have your Mr. Snow White. Mother Russia does not know the whereabouts of your Casper Friendly Ghost, and even if Mother Russia did, it would not simply give Frosty Snow Man over to you free of charge.”

Officials representing many countries around the world are not entirely sure of the whereabouts of Colorless Carmen San Diego. Wikileaks founder Julian Assange is said to be in contact with Edward Snowman, saying that the Great White Whistleblower was “only passing through Russia” and may be en route to Ecuador or perhaps Iceland.

Wherever Edward Snowden does happen to land, we hope he’s finally able to get some sun.

Verizon Wireless Sorry It Let Government See Your Useless Texts

6461Washington, DC—Amidst reports and allegations regarding Verizon Wireless’s involvement in the much maligned PRISM scandal, the mobile network titan has finally offered a public apology to its cellular subscribers in response to its collaboration with the NSA:

 

Dearly beloved Verizon Customers,

Some of you may have heard about our recent involvement in the National Security Administration’s PRISM initiative. This initiative was truly a bummer to be involved in but hey, when Uncle Sam talks, you listen am I right? Anyway, a number of communication service companies were involved in this with none quite as sorry as we are. We apologize for giving the government access to your phone conversations, as detailed and private as they might have been. We apologize for letting the NSA read your inane and mundane texts, including but not limited to:

ROTFLMAO

WTF

smh

stfu

idk

OMG

😉

🙂

:/

brb

omw

thx

We want you to know that we did not give up your smiley-face emoticons and stupid abbreviations willingly—the NSA had to fight us for them. They had to ask us a number of times to let them see what your weekend plans were and when you thought you might be arriving to dinner, in addition to the multitude of pet names you call your significant other.

We want to remind you that we only submitted your repulsive sexts to Obama in the name of fighting terrorism. We deeply regret this unfortunate occurrence and we hope it never has to happen again.

Sincerest regards,

Verizon Wireless

—-

In an age where electronic data security and privacy rights are at their most vulnerable point, this apology certainly means something.

Tim Tebow Excited To Do Absolutely Nothing For New England

"Go-Talk Scat-Right-X Media Darling on 3...ready??"

“Go-Talk Scat-Right-X Media Darling on 3…ready??”

Boston, MA—We were just sitting there enjoying a Tebow-free NFL offseason when suddenly the New England Patriots signed the Chosen One to a two-year contract. Damn it. Tim Tebow was plucked from relative obscurity by Bill Belichick and Co. for reasons that have yet to be determined, and nobody could be more excited by this news than Tim.

“I’m excited. The good lord giveth and the good lord taketh away, but this time he giveth to me hard.” Tebow said. Never before has a player meant so much more off the field than he does on it.

The Patriots coaching staff was more or less OK with adding the Could-be Kid to the fold. When asked about how he envisioned Tebow fitting into the gameplan, Offensive Coordinator Josh McDaniels made his intentions very unclear:

“We are happy about Tim’s attitude and his physical ability. Ever since draft day I’ve watched him develop into kind-of something but not really so we’re excited about that. Sort of. Bottom line is he’s a football player and under contract with our team, so you do the math.”

The team is expected to use Tebow extensively—just not in the way a team normally uses a football player. We anticipate seeing Tebow on camera a lot during the upcoming NFL season. He will be shown in the locker room, on the sideline and at the podium chatting it up with the media. It’s like Morgan Freeman always says, “You either get busy talkin’, or get busy dyin’.”

Fargo Man Says ‘I Digress’ Way Too Much

"But I digress..."

“But I digress…”

Fargo, ND—An area man is suffering a firestorm of controversy after his alleged abuse of the phrase “I digress” during a one-sided conversation yesterday.

Ricky Roma, 29, is a known abuser of the phrase. He can’t seem to get his point across succinctly due to his tendency to ramble.

“Ricky says ‘I digress’ waaay too much”, exclaims his co-worker Adam. “It’s obvious he doesn’t even know what digress means…I think he just likes hearing himself say it.”

Adam went on to explain that he and his co-worker Josh thought that Ricky had gone completely overboard with his recent story, using the phrase a total of 39 times in five minutes.

“He kept saying it over and over again, with no clear objective. He would talk about how hot the sauce was on his pulled pork he had at Rib Fest and then say ‘I digress’ and keep right on talking about the sauce. Then he’d say it again! It was so infuriating. I almost called the police.”

When asked about his constant overuse of the word ‘digress’, Ricky had this to say:

“I digress.”

NSA Sick Of Watching Us Screw Up ‘Your’ and ‘You’re’

National_Security_Agency.svgWashington, DC—Reports that the National Security Administration is pulling our phone records have been met with serious outcry over whether or not this action infringes on American citizens’ right to privacy.

In response, the NSA is playing damage control by stating that it’s already getting sick of reading all the poor grammar and typographical errors contained in the many thousands of texts, facebook statuses, tweets and blog entries it’s been reading and that it will probably unfollow you guys really soon.

“Jesus Christ, people. It’s YOU’RE, not YOUR. It’s not THEIR, it’s THERE for crying out loud.” White House spokesman Josh Earnest said.

Earnest went on to say that the classified government initiative PRISM never expected to encounter such a tremendous amount of useless information coupled with lackadaisical grammatical proofreading and that going forward, those two factors combined would ultimately render our typed conversations both useless and unreadable.

“On behalf of the NSA and the Obama administration, i’d like to formally demand that you guys figure out who/whom, they’re/their, your/you’re among other irresponsible typos or we are going to unfollow all of you on twitter. I’m being serious.”

 

Former Small Town Drug Dealer Living Big City Dream

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Livin’ the dream!

Mapleton, ND—Who said you had to be asleep to live the American dream? That’s baloney! A small-town meth dealer from Mapleton, North Dakota who goes by the street name “Bizznatch” has taken his talents to Minneapolis to pursue his dreams of becoming a drug kingpin.

Bizznatch started his underground meth ring during the early 2000s via a homemade meth lab built in his deadbeat parents’ garage. It was a fly-by-night operation at first. Bizz started pushing one rock here and two rocks there, but as word got out about his penchant for dope slangin’, business picked up. That’s when he knew he really had something to offer.

“I learned math in high school and always had a salesman mentality.” he states. These skills are a valuable commodity in the world of drug dealing. “I trusted nobody and kept my head on a swivel, always looking over my shoulder. You gotta be paranoid in this business.”

His homeboys always knew Bizznatch had what it takes to hit the big time. “Bizz never took no shit from nobody. He always on top of his game.” said his homie C-Slaw. “He slang the rocks like no other.”

Bizznatch soon moved out of his parents’ garage and into his own shitty, run-down meth trailer on the outskirts of town. It was there that he started proliferating his empire.

“I made some real business connections. Loads of cash started coming in. My operation outgrew my meth shack in a hurry. That’s when I knew my 8 cell phones, 47 security cameras, 5,000 pet spiders and I would have to move on.”

meth

toxic rock

Bizznatch loaded up his windowless van and headed east to Minneapolis in 2011. He set up shop in a downtown-area loft and hasn’t moved since. No…seriously. He hasn’t been outside in over two years. Nowadays, he remotely manages a legion of cookers and street pushers via a series of cryptic text messages while the jack continues to roll in. Life is good. He looks back fondly on his early days and says he’ll never forget where he came from.

“Starting out small like that really keeps a drug lord humble. I still remember my first meth sore like it was yesterday…cooking rocks and huffing formaldehyde in my dad’s garage. Man, what a ride.”

Christian Ponder Excited to Study Under Starting QB Matt Cassel

Christian-Ponder-at-KFANMankato, MN—Minnesota Vikings organized team activities (OTAs) have officially gotten underway at Winter Park. No one player is as excited as Christian Ponder. Ponder is treating OTAs as a prime opportunity to learn from Vikings starting quarterback, Matt Cassel.

“Studying the moves of a proven veteran like Matt will prove invaluable to me in the future if I ever get the chance to start again for the team.” Ponder said. “Matt is our guy now, and I know that. He’s a former Pro Bowler who’s won a ton of games in this league. I can’t wait to learn from him during camp and watch him play next season.”

Ponder knows that while coaches and even general manager Rick Spielman have labeled him starting quarterback going forward, that doesn’t mean anything in this cut-throat business:

“Our team was on the cusp of greatness last season. It makes all the sense in the world that they’d bring Matt in to get us over the hump.”

Ponder has been seen taking many of the first-team reps in camp so far this year. He attributes that to the Vikings’ solid backup plan, should Cassel go down:

“Coach Frazier had me taking most of the first-team snaps while Matt chilled on the bench. It’s a smart move, because I need to be ready in case Matt can’t play.”

Ponder has high hopes for his starting offense this season. He expects to take most of the reps as a starter up until the beginning of the regular season when games start to matter.

Fargo Man Arrested for Marijuana Instead of Concealed Deadly Weapon

420timeshandcuffs_weed_small11Fargo, ND—The Observer has learned that a Fargo man was caught in possession of marijuana and a concealed weapon last night. Kenneth Noisewater was pulled over for running a red light on south University drive at about 9:45, according to a police report.

The officer noticed the odor of what he suspected was marijuana (a relatively harmless-but-illegal weed) and ordered a search of the vehicle. The vehicle search revealed a baggie containing marijuana, (a plant that, if smoked, gets you kind of high but has never ever killed anybody but can get you into a lifetime of trouble with the law, your family and your employer or future employer if you are caught in possession of it) a misdemeanor offense and a 9mm semi-automatic handgun (a highly dangerous weapon, responsible for literally thousands of violent deaths per year which is totally legal to carry if you have a permit).

The officer was then able to arrest Kenneth for possession of marijuana (a drug that Kenneth and millions upon millions of other humans use to feel good, relax, even relieve chronic pain and again, is responsible for ZERO deaths. A person could argue that a concealed handgun is 10x more dangerous than a concealed sack of hippie lettuce and that person would be correct 100% of the time) but there were no charges filed for the licensed 9mm handgun (a brutal instrument manufactured specifically for the purpose of inflicting severe physical harm, most often resulting in death. If a criminal were to hold a loaded gun in one hand and a loaded ganja pipe in the other, i’m guessing he could do far more damage with the gun than the pot but please, let me know if you ever see a masked man use a loaded water bong to rob a 7-11 and I will gladly retract that statement).

Law enforcement proudly removed another bag of grass from the streets while the deadly weapon remained in circulation.