Category Archives: Recipes For Success

You can build anything if you have the Recipe For Success

Big Demand For Small Hats Due To Zika Virus

Leave a reply
This charming line of ZikaHats available at Nordstrom's and Walmart.

This charming line of ZikaHats available at Nordstrom’s and Walmart.

Hatboro, Pennsylvania – As the mutating Zika Virus spreads by mosquitos through America, the fashion industry is wasting no time trying to get ahead of a new trend.

Since the Zika Virus causes microcephaly, hat sizes will soon need to be smaller to fit onto all those smaller heads.

International fashion designer Zeke Kahat has seen this trend of smaller heads needing smaller hats go from the Zika Forest in Uganda, to the Island of Yap, to the mainland of Brazil.

“My colorfully fantastic collection of ZikaHats is here to stay, especially since there is no vaccine or treatment for the Zika Virus” says Zeke Kahat.

Barry Manilow’s ‘No Apologies’ Tour Announces Possible Stop In Fargo

Leave a reply
caption here

Barry Manilow offering ‘No Apologies’ for any of the songs he’s written.

Barry University, FL – The one and only Barry Manilow with his latest “No Apologies” Concert Tour has announced he is considering a concert tour stop in Fargo.

A few contract details still need to be ironed out such as the final price tag, and all the specific requirements for snacks in Barry Manilow’s dressing room.

FMO: Why is your concert tour called “No Apologies”?

Barry Manilow: Because I refuse to apologize for some of the songs I wrote!

FMO: Why would you apologize for some of the songs you’ve written?

Barry Manilow: Only because some people and websites are calling for me to apologize for some of the songs that I’ve written. Apparently they really do not like them and wish I’d never written them.

FMO: Do they mention which songs you should apologize for?

caption here

Long list of required dressing room “snacks”.

Barry Manilow: I guess some of them might include: Lay Me Down, Talk To Me, Marry Me A Little, Freddie Said, The Night That Tito Played, Can’t Smile Without You, I Want To Be Somebody’s Baby, Turn Up The Radio, and I Write The Songs That Make The Young Girls Cry.

FMO: So, why don’t you just apologize?

Barry Manilow: No! I am Barry Manilow and I will apologize for nothing! I like all of my songs, including my latest one that I just wrote yesterday which is called “No Apologies”.

Mail Delivery In Some Fargo Neighborhoods Described As ‘Random’ At Best

Leave a reply
caption here

In some Fargo neighborhoods, the chances of getting someone else’s mail is: 100%

Fargo, ND – “Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.”

But nowhere in the U.S. Postal Service’s motto does it say that mail will be swiftly delivered to the correct address.

In some Fargo neighborhoods, the chronic problem of mail being delivered to the wrong address is so bad that it has gone beyond just a maddening irritation to the point of being a laughable joke!

“It’s gotten so bad” says Ann Velope, “that it seems like they’re either screwing things up on purpose, or blind chimpanzees are sorting and delivering our mail.”

The Postmaster admits there might be an occasional problem but is quick to point out that “when a piece of mail is successfully delivered to the correct address, it’s a miracle that should be celebrated, especially when you consider that many mail carriers have dyslexia. But since no one can ever be fired from a government job, they either keep working their current job, or get promoted, like I did.”

The New Goal When Playing Tennis Is To Lose

Leave a reply
Many pros now using their challenges to prove one of their shots is OUT instead of GOOD, as called.

Many pros now using their challenges to prove that their own shots should have been called OUT, instead of GOOD.

Tennis, SD – It seems political correctness has now changed the game of tennis.

While LOVE still means nothing, the goal of winning the game has changed.

What’s going to matter moving forward is how many matches have you lost, not won.

This change in the basic goal of the game can now be seen while watching professional tennis players.

In fact, challenges of a call are now used to prove a player’s shot was not good.

With the new goal of tennis being to lose, this will now give hope to many young (and old) poor tennis players.

Being physically fit will no longer be a plus but rather a minus.

Some professional tennis players in the future might not even be tennis players!

Cave Exploration Not Unlike Doing A Colonoscopy

Leave a reply
Dr. Hugh Janus likes to spend his free time exploring the bowels of the Earth.

Dr. Hugh Janus likes to spend his free time exploring the bowels of the Earth.

Cavetown, Maryland – Recently, while hanging out in the lunchroom of a local hospital, we learned of an interesting phenomenon while sipping coffee at a table with some gastroenterologists.

What we discovered is that many of these digestive tract doctors like to spend their free time exploring caves and leading some group cave explorations.

Dr. Seymour Butts said he started exploring caves while back in medical school. “I found caves to be a nice, quiet place to study.”

Dr. Willy Reams likens our planet’s caves to “the bowels of the Earth, which are well worth investigating.”

Dr. Richard Brown admitted that “after years of doing colonoscopies, I just feel comfortable hiking and exploring caves, which can go on for miles.”

Dr. Rodney Ram: “I actually became a gastroenterologist after growing up exploring caves in my state as an inquisitive youngster.”

Gamecocks No Match For NDSU Bison Thundering Herd

Leave a reply
caption here

A few scrawny gamecocks prove to be no match for The Bison Thundering Herd!

Frisco, TX – A gamecock is a rooster that’s bred and trained for cockfighting. Unfortunately for Alabama’s Jacksonville State, Bison are buffalos that are bred and trained to stomp out gamecocks.

After the NDSU Bison football team’s bloody stampede over the opposing gamecocks, it once again shows that The Bison are truly in a league of their own.

While gamecocks are learning how to peck at other gamecocks to establish their little pecking order, NDSU Bison football players are lifting tractors for exercise.

While gamecocks are nibbling at a kernel of corn, NDSU Bison football players are practicing to win another National Championship amid endless fields of corn.

While gamecocks are limping back to their bus for medical attention, NDSU Bison 5-Time National Champion football players are being recruited by the NFL.

Go Bison! Bison Nation! Bison Pride!
Hello, once again, to ESPN College GameDay!

Long Island Ice Tea Party Seeking Their Presidential Candidate

Leave a reply
caption hier

Wouldn’t the staff members of the Long Island Ice Tea Party Caucus be called the staphylocaucus?

Long Island, NY – Fed up with all the shinanigans going on in government and politix today, the Long Island Ice Tea Party is ready to make its move.

Pre-caucus meetings of the Long Island Ice Tea Party are being held in bars, pubs, and clubs all across what’s left of America.

Party leaders are determined to find a presidential candidate who represents not only the lollypop guild but also the non-lollypop hoi-polloi folks who still love the American Dream as much as they do a good strong Long Island Ice Tea.

Spokesman Ray Schnauzer slurred to his translator: “With just the right ingredients, our party’s candidate will bring to the Oval Office just the right blend of sweet and sour, while delivering the most bang for the buck, do you know what I’m saying?”

After having a few Long Island Ice Teas, if YOU feel that YOU have what it takes to be president, then simply stand up and say “I nominate myself!” at the next pre-caucus getogether of your local Long Island Ice Tea Party.

California Drought To Be Quickly Replaced By Giant Mudslides

Leave a reply
caption hier

If you pray for rain, you gotta deal with the mud too.

Rio Linda, CA – The Good News is that the California drought will soon be over. The Bad News is that the state will soon be one gigantic mudslide. Climatologists at our FMObserver headquarters now believe that California will no longer exist as we currently know it. Within about two wet weeks, the Golden State will go from a D-4 Exceptionally Extreme Drought to an MS-4 which is Mudslide Max. The main course served at all restaurants in California will soon be Mud Pie. Instead of being a stick-in-the-mud, people will be a-stuck-in-the-mud. Once all the rain clouds finally move through, the skies will be as clear as mud. Whatever it says on your mailbox now, after it’s all over, your name is mud. James Taylor will be singing your new state song: Mud Slide Slim. But, hay, don’t forget to remember the Good News: At least your D-4 drought is over!

Oprah Wants Everyone To Join Weight Watchers Since She Owns 10% Of The Company

Leave a reply
caption hier

Everyone who reaches their goal weight will receive a free yo-yo from The Oprah!

Chicago, Illinois – The Oprah is asking for everyone to join Weight Watchers to lose weight along with her.

After having her personal chefs help her balloon up to an astounding 850 pounds, now she is cleverly asking America to join her in dropping some tonnage.

While she loses weight, she and Jabba The Hutt will each be pocketing tons of money since they each own ten percent of Weight Watchers.

Some stupid questions we’d like answered are: How could The Oprah be so overweight if she’s already this involved with the company? What’s her goal weight? 400 pounds? What weight will she balloon up to after this profitable stunt is over? Is Jabba The Hutt also going to try to shed some tonnage?

Top Ten Signs 2018 Might Be A Bad Year For You

Leave a reply
And you thought 2017 was bad!

And you thought 2017 was bad!

Badlands, ND – Even though 2018 could be a very good year, here are some indications that 2018 might not be so great for you:

10. You wake up with a hangover on January 1st to the sound of jail doors slamming shut.

9. You slowly figure out that that very last text you sent last night to your BFF affectionately saying “Happy Fucking New Year!” somehow got sent to everyone in your contact list.

8. You dream you’ve been hacked only to wake up to realize that everything you own has been encrypted.

7. You take your little Shih-Tzu for a walk and realize it’s not your little Shih-Tzu.

6. You see a murder of crows quietly sitting on your deck railing, each with a sign around their necks saying “You’re Next.”

5. A large cash-on-delivery package arrives at your front door and the guy is asking for $1,480 for what’s inside Box #1!

4. After a nice, long, phone conversation with your parents, you remember they both passed away back in the 90s.

3. You see a security camera picture of yourself on the local evening news asking to immediately call the police if you see this very dangerous armed person.

2. You take your entire family to see Star Wars and realize too late you’ve mistakenly gone to see Star Whores.

1. Algore now believes we are at the start of a 10,000-year Ice Age!