Category Archives: Local

Local 10-year-old Heard Cussing At Dinner Table Denied Ice Cream

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Fargo, ND – An area 4th-grader was recently denied the privilege of dessert after his mother overheard him voice his disapproval of dinner. The boy, said by his mother to have been watching an “inappropriate movie” with his father, is alleged to have called dinner “cold and shitty by the time we all sat down to eat”. The mother, upon hearing the child mutter these profanities under his breath, immediately sent the child to his room which, in turn, revoked his privilege of dessert that the rest of the family was able to indulge in. The Observer caught up with the boy to get his side of the story:

“Liver and onions is fucking shitty and I hate it, so…”

The lesson learned here is simple: avoid liver and onions at all costs, even if it costs you dessert.

Sting Operation At Dog Park Results In Arrest

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Public fornication

Fargo, ND – The police K-9 unit in Fargo, acting on an anonymous tip, recently enacted a sting operation resulting in an arrest at the dog park on 45th Street in Fargo.

The tipster, who shall choose to remain anonymous, informed police that he or she witnessed many acts of public lewdness and fornication occurring at the 45th Street doggie harem. Canines were reported by the informant to have been copulating each other in the act of “doggystyle” publicly, in broad daylight. The horror!

Fargo police, acting on this tip, promptly sent in a member of their K-9 drug-sniffing unit dressed as a prostitute to try & nab one of the alleged pervert pups. The K-9 hung it out there, and one of the dogs went for it almost instantly. Police crashed the sex party and arrested the drooling canine on the spot, citing “public indecency” among other charges.

Chalk up a victory for the Fargo Police Department for bringing another sex-crazed pervert to justice.

The Asian Nudist Ninja

West Fargo Police Searching For Elusive Asian Nudist

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West Fargo, ND – One small Asian man is causing quite the ruckus in our growing city of West Fargo, North Dakota and people have started to call the police.

The West Fargo Police Department have stated that they are looking for a nude man who has been showing up all over town.  Several people have called the police department in the last couple months about the nudist running through fields, random backyards, and in one instance, going down slides at random city parks.  Ouch.  That has to hurt.

Officers have had absolutely no luck finding him and have no idea who this man is.  He is simply too elusive.  I would like to name him “The Asian Nudist Ninja” if that is ok?

Police will continue to look for this individual but would like to state that since Asians have such small penises, it is very hard to arrest The Asian Nudist Ninja with indecent exposure because he technically isn’t “exposing” anything.

Please keep an eye out.  If you see a nude man running wildly through your back yard, jumping fences like a gazelle, you are asked to please call the West Fargo Police Department.

Fargo Panhandlers Super AIDS

Fargo To Crack Down On Small Businesses

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Fargo Panhandlers Super AIDSFargo, ND – Small business owners, and by small business I mean panhandlers, will have to take their business elsewhere.

Panhandlers have been filing business license applications in records numbers lately in the hopes to become their own small business.  The panhandling profession has become very profitable in the Fargo area and citizens are growing concerned.

On Monday, city commissioners voted unanimously to expand a city ordinance that bans panhandling in Fargo.  Recently there have been a growing number of complaints and concerns of these small business owners lurking on street corners and medians all around Fargo asking and begging for money.

I went and spoke with one small business owner who was lurking on 13th ave and 45th ST. and asked him what he thought of the new ordinance.

“I need grocery money man.  I also need video games, leopard print underwear, and cognac.  It’s hard being a business owner and I’m out here just trying to keep the business afloat.  This new ordinance could put hardworking people out of business!” he said.

Another panhandler stated, “What am I going to do if I’m put out of business?!?  I’m going to have to come back out here and ask for even more money!  What is wrong with this country!!”

Meanwhile, you will be seeing signs such as the one below on busy street corners and intersections in an attempt to remind people not to feed the animals….er…….panhandlers.

Please Do Not Feed the Wildlife

 

Young Bird West Fargo

Naked Young Bird Found Dazed and Confused

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Young Bird West Fargo

West Fargo, ND – Junior, a young bird from West Fargo, was seen this afternoon looking dazed and confused, lost, and completely wrecked.  He was also not wearing any clothes.

I tried to talk to him but it was no use.  He couldn’t understand a damn word I was saying.  He just looked at me with a very confused and puzzled face.

Finally I was able to locate his parents nearby who have been looking for junior since this morning.  I found out he left with some friends last night to go “learn nest building skills” but never returned home.  After taking one look at junior this morning it’s pretty evident that they went out and got totally shit faced.

Junior was last seen stumbling back home guided by his pissed off parents.

Although I would have loved to hear Junior’s crazy stories from last night and why he was found not wearing any clothes, he was at least found which makes for a great ending to a story on a Friday.

Co_Rd_17_Fargo_Cow

Dirty Cows Distrupt Traffic

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Fargo, ND – Exhibitionist cows brought traffic to a grinding halt on Co Rd 17 in Fargo earlier this morning.  A pair of bovines were caught “doing the dirty” in the middle of the road the highway patrol stated.

The cows were getting it on so intensely that some perverted passerby was jailed on suspicions of masturbating in public.

One of the bulls didn’t take kindly to the state troopers attempts to interrupt the act so cops had to call in the North Dakota Farm Bureau to coax the animals into custody.

The two bovines are being charged with breach of peace and public indecency.  They were being held on $500 bail.

 

 

sunset-lanes-closeup

Burglar Breaks Into Sunset Lanes In Moorhead. Doesn’t Find Shit.

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Moorhead, MN – Moorhead police would like your help in catching one dumb fucking criminal who broke into Sunset Lanes around 2 a.m. Sunday.  Police say he forced a door open to find a shit load of used bowling balls.

Alright, time for a FM Observer Burning by the one and only Bill Burns.

So, your sitting around being fat on your stupid fat couch and think, “Oh fuck yea!  I just thought of the greatest plan ever.  I’m going to break into the ever so busy and popular Sunset Lanes in Moorhead.  I’m going to be fucking rich!  Retiring a millionaire bitch!  F YOU SOCIETY.”

Wrong!

So out of the hundreds of establishments with actual cash or items that would be worth stealing, you decide to risk jail time, getting shot, your career of being fat, family disownment, and an entire town laughing at you, to break into a bowling alley?  What did you expect to find there mister smarty pants?  A shit load of cash? You found a bunch of used bowling balls you fucking idiot.  Maybe a few hundred dollars?  If that was really what you were after then you could only carry, what, three bowling balls at a time?  And what would you do with all those used bowling balls?  Judging by your picture on the fat cam, carrying three would  be too tough for you.  You would probably have to carry one at a time and that’s just stupid when you’re running against the clock during a robbery.  Maybe there is some type of hidden treasure buried deep underground,  then…a to hell with it, there’s no treasure.  I’m just wishful thinking.  Trying to find ways to justify your stupidness.  Lastly, what is with the stupid cliche ski mask?  Come on!  You are already knee deep in shit when you decide to break into a business, why not wear a mask with some class?  A mask that is unique.  Something like the picture below.

vagina_mask

 

The FM Observer loves the Fargo-Moorhead area and hates degenerate criminals.  Especially ones who break into small business establishments just trying to make a living.  Let’s have a first here.  The first time FM Observer fans catch a criminal.  So, show the picture above (not the guy with a vagina mask, the actual criminal) to everyone you know and lets nab this asshole.

Cannibals Anonymous Group Therapy At Hilton Garden Inn

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219579407_2990f2806d_oFargo, ND – Due to a widespread craving for human flesh causing concern that a zombie apocalypse is right around the corner, the Observer has decided to hold open workgroup sessions to help cannibals deal with their insatiable hunger for skin and organs.

We are happy to announce the FM Observer Cannibals Anonymous weekly group therapy sessions being held at the Hilton Garden Inn (MAP) on 19th Avenue in Fargo.

Meetings will occur every Tuesday and Thursday during the week at the following times:

  • 3:00 pm to 4:00 pm (followed by cannibal Q&A)
  • 5:30 pm to 6:30 pm (phalanges served as appetizer)
  • 7:00 pm to 8:00 pm (eyeball casserole with sangria entrée available. $20/plate)

Entry fee for each one-hour session will be $500/head. Severed heads $50 extra. We are willing to waive your entry fee if you bring a sack of spring-harvest spleens.

FYI: We will not be feasting on each other. That is not what this is for. Please only come if you wish to curb your addiction to live flesh.

Please register in advance HERE. We’ll see you there!

American Crystal Sugar Strike

Crookston Bishop To Host Prayer Service Sunday For American Crystal Workers Dispute

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Crookston, MN – Bishop Michael Hoeppner, head of the Catholic Diocese of Crookston is coming to the rescue.  Bishop Michael has stated that he has seen the destruction and carnage strikes and disputes can cause.

“I’ve seen this before” Bishop Hoeppner stated.  “You have two groups that disagree for so long they end up wanting to kill each other.  I’ve seen it in the movies.”  That’s why it’s important to pray that such conflicts don’t arise out of the dispute between American Crystal Co. and the Bakery Workers union, he said.

It’s been nearly 10 months since union members rejected Crystal management’s proposed five-year contract.  The bishop is hosting a prayer service Sunday in Crookston, MN and will be inviting his own gang members Bishop Larry Wohlrabe of the Northwestern Minnesota Synod of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America and the Rev. Daniel Wolpert of Crookston Presbyterian Church.

He stated that in case things get out of hand, he will at least have more priests on his side to fight the resistance.  “I might have to end up using my mind powers and the power of prayer to fight back if trouble were to arise” he stated.

One thing he did want to make sure everyone is aware of is that there will be donation boxes every 10ft on the way to the church.  “Jesus needs a new car” he said.

 

If you go

What: Prayer service for the resolution of the American Crystal labor dispute

When: 7 p.m. Sunday

Where: Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception, 702 Summit Ave. in Crookston

Info: Everyone is welcome (bring your wallets preferably with a lot of money)

 

Super AIDS, living zombies, stupid fucks breeding in record numbers, Alotta Fagina the local prostitute who can’t perform her job in peace and quiet without getting arrested,  are a few other prayer service ideas.

Zombie Sighting West Fargo

ZOMBIE SIGHTING IN WEST FARGO

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Zombie Sighting West FargoWest Fargo, ND – The Observer is fearful to report that early Sunday morning at around 3 a.m., a zombie was spotted foot-dragging alongside Interstate 94 in West Fargo. This reporter is absolutely certain that this was, without a doubt, a member of the undead or a “walker” as they are affectionately called. Walkers typically come out of hiding after midnight and during periods of intense weather. Late Saturday night and into Sunday in West Fargo we had a thunderstorm so I took the opportunity to go zombie hunting. What I saw was the stuff of internet legend. A bald, toothy, decaying walker appeared to me in a clearing from the north side of a ditch along the highway. I was only able to snap one photo of the heavy-breathing ghoul before fleeing since I was unable to take the thing down–I had forgotten my crossbow before venturing out! The walker looked to have procured a new t-shirt and jeans somehow (most likely from its last victim) so at first glance it looked like just another drunk human wandering the grass, but upon getting a closer look I now know what I saw. A flesh-hungry zombie.

As far as I know, the creature is still on the loose somewhere in West Fargo. Until the walker is taken out, i’d like to remind everyone to lock your doors at night and if you see a grey shirt/blue jeans-wearing corpse lurking around your home or residence, notify the Observer immediately.