Category Archives: News

Russia Says It’s Not Harboring Any Pale, Colorless Americans

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washington-urges-russia-to-return-edward-snowden-to-usMoscow, Russia—Vladimir Putin and his evil band of KGB cronies vehemently stated earlier today that they are not knowingly in possession of any ghastly-looking American males, especially those named Edward Snowman.

Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov said defiantly in response to the United States’ demand for extradition, “We don’t have your Mr. Snow White. Mother Russia does not know the whereabouts of your Casper Friendly Ghost, and even if Mother Russia did, it would not simply give Frosty Snow Man over to you free of charge.”

Officials representing many countries around the world are not entirely sure of the whereabouts of Colorless Carmen San Diego. Wikileaks founder Julian Assange is said to be in contact with Edward Snowman, saying that the Great White Whistleblower was “only passing through Russia” and may be en route to Ecuador or perhaps Iceland.

Wherever Edward Snowden does happen to land, we hope he’s finally able to get some sun.

Jail To Offer Square Dancing As Threat Or Bribe

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King of the Fiddle: Charlie Fritters

King of the Fiddle: Charlie Fritters

Fargo, ND – The Cass County Jail will soon be implementing a new, fun activity for some of their inmate population.

The sounds of Square Dancing in the jailhouse will be heard on Wednesday afternoons and Saturday evenings. As a bonus treat, pink lemonade and powdered doughnuts will be offered, for a nominal fee.

Warden Norm Orzak said he got the idea of having jailhouse square dances from a visiting Catholic priest who suggested that they duplicate at the jail what folks have been doing down in the church basement for years.

Special Training Officer Orietta Posada explains that if jail inmates like the idea of some periodic social square dancing with other inmates, then the square dancing will be used as a bribe.

However, if they perhaps do not appreciate the chance to partake in the fine art of square dancing with other cellmates, then it will be used as a threat or punishment.

To kick it all off, the jail staff is proud to be bringing in an ol’ time fiddler named Charlie Fritters from Backwoods, Arkansas. He was once called the King of the Fiddle and can supposedly make people cry with his music.

On his website, someone recently left the following comment about Charlie Fritters:

Ol’ Charlie Fritters
Kind of has the jitters
His shakin’ helps a little
When it’s time to play the fiddle.

He’s the King of the Fiddle
or somewhere in the middle
Square dancing’s worth a try
Charlie Fritters will make you cry.

Mr. Charlie Fritters
Don’t allow no quitters
You will work up a sweat
And have lots of fun, yah you bet!

Warden Orzak sums it up like this: “If this all goes well, and there’s not a lot of fighting, we may add some additional new, fun activities in the future, such as: Bingo-rama, an interactive Petting Zoo, and Team Dodgeball.”

New Multi-Bike Is What’s Hot This Summer

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The new must-have Multi-Bike!

The new must-have Multi-Bike!

Riderwood, Maryland – If you’ve been curiously wondering what the hot new trend is going to be for the Summer of 2013, your wait is over. It’s the Multi-Bike! (Click on picture to zoom in.)

Just as the FM Observer recently brought you what’s happening in fashion trends for the summer, the latest in cool gadgets and gizmos is now here for the official start of summer.

The inventor of the Multi-Bike is Mike Rust. Mike explains that his prototype stands almost 10 feet tall. He admits: “Not to honk my own bike horn, but it’s an extraordinarily designed 8-wheel drive bike which is great for looking over fences at the baseball parks and outdoor concert venues. Plus, it certainly helps out meeting women.”

Mike was thinking that since his bike has 8 wheels, the name should have been the OctoBike, but decided on Multi-Bike (start with an M- and ends with -ike, just like Mike).

You can purchase the simple 500-step process to make your own Multi-Bike directly from Mike. He says he’s the only Mike Rust in Riderwood, Maryland so the NSA shouldn’t have a problem tracking him down for you.

So, what are some people saying about Mike’s Multi-Bike?

Get this bicycle. You will not regret it, if you live. ~Mark Twain

This bicycle is a curious vehicle. Its passenger is its engine. ~John Howard

Life is like riding this Multi-Bike. To keep your balance, you must keep moving. ~Albert Einstein

Every time I see an adult on a Multi-Bike, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.” ~H.G.Wells

Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use. ~Charles M. Schultz

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. ~Gloria Steinem

I’d rather ride two unicycles at the same time than one bicycle twice. ~Jarod Kintz

Fantasy is an exercise bicycle for the mind. It might not take you anywhere, but it tones up the muscles that can. Of course, I could be wrong. ~Terry Pratchett

Verizon Wireless Sorry It Let Government See Your Useless Texts

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6461Washington, DC—Amidst reports and allegations regarding Verizon Wireless’s involvement in the much maligned PRISM scandal, the mobile network titan has finally offered a public apology to its cellular subscribers in response to its collaboration with the NSA:

 

Dearly beloved Verizon Customers,

Some of you may have heard about our recent involvement in the National Security Administration’s PRISM initiative. This initiative was truly a bummer to be involved in but hey, when Uncle Sam talks, you listen am I right? Anyway, a number of communication service companies were involved in this with none quite as sorry as we are. We apologize for giving the government access to your phone conversations, as detailed and private as they might have been. We apologize for letting the NSA read your inane and mundane texts, including but not limited to:

ROTFLMAO

WTF

smh

stfu

idk

OMG

😉

🙂

:/

brb

omw

thx

We want you to know that we did not give up your smiley-face emoticons and stupid abbreviations willingly—the NSA had to fight us for them. They had to ask us a number of times to let them see what your weekend plans were and when you thought you might be arriving to dinner, in addition to the multitude of pet names you call your significant other.

We want to remind you that we only submitted your repulsive sexts to Obama in the name of fighting terrorism. We deeply regret this unfortunate occurrence and we hope it never has to happen again.

Sincerest regards,

Verizon Wireless

—-

In an age where electronic data security and privacy rights are at their most vulnerable point, this apology certainly means something.

Math Class Replaced By Black Jack Studies

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Black Jack is way more fun that math!

Black Jack is way more fun than math!

Bismarck, ND – The North Dakota Education Association (NDEA) has decided to officially drop math from the state’s teaching curriculum. The teaching of boring, traditional math will be replaced by super-fun, instructional classes in the card game Black Jack.

Mr. Tom Collins, who heads up the Curriculum Committee, says that with all the calculators and smart phones present in today’s world, the teaching of math is obsolete and a complete waste of time. “Kids have long hated math class and all the tedious homework that goes with it. But, learning Black Jack is something everyone can get excited about!”

Black Jack will begin replacing math all across North Dakota starting in the Fall of 2013 in grades 6-12. Mr. Collins feels this move is further justified because lots of “hidden math” will still be apart of the new Blackjack studies.

Harley Marks, a long-time math teacher says kids will for sure be able to count to 21. Plus, in the new Black Jack Studies Curriculum, all the advanced trainings will be included, such as: Doubling Down, Card Splitting, Chasing After Lost Money, and Quitting When You’re Ahead. Harley says: “These are all real-life lessons that will benefit these kids for the rest of their lives.”

Some real Black Jack dealers will be brought in for Black Jack “tournaments” as well as having selected upper classmen doing some of the dealing. As a high school student who wanted to become a Black Jack dealer, Justin Minix says he’s very excited about dealing live Black Jack while in high school. “I’m really stoked about this, man” says Justin.

In some of the lower grades, kids will begin learning the basics of “card counting” while also being able to watch a plethora of movies involving gambling and Black Jack, such as: Rain Man, Casino, and 21.

Mr. Tom Collins of the NDEA says he knows certain parents might initially not like dropping math studies and replacing it with Black Jack, but he believes everyone will eventually find this to be a Win-Win scenario…unless you lose.

travis beck ndsu bison fargo

New Police Video. NDSU linebacker Travis Beck Had Dirty Hands.

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travis beck ndsu bison fargoFargo, ND – North Dakota State University star linebacker Travis Beck has been all over the news lately.  He recently had his aggravated assault charge dropped but a new video has surfaced.

Police have obtained the security bathroom video which shows Travis Beck before the alleged assault incident.  The video depicts Travis Beck not washing his hands after going number two.

These new developments are astonishing because that means Travis Beck more then likely had poopy hands during the alleged assault/self defense incident.  The other individual had no idea poopy hands were being used against him.

Travis Beck has been taken into custody again and will be charged with using poopy hands in a self defense situation.  We will make sure to report these new police findings to all news stations and government agencies including the White House.  Travis Beck deserves punishment for this.

Hopefully he learns to wash his hands properly before the NDSU Bison take the field.  Nobody wants to play with poopy hand guy.

Fargo Man Says ‘I Digress’ Way Too Much

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"But I digress..."

“But I digress…”

Fargo, ND—An area man is suffering a firestorm of controversy after his alleged abuse of the phrase “I digress” during a one-sided conversation yesterday.

Ricky Roma, 29, is a known abuser of the phrase. He can’t seem to get his point across succinctly due to his tendency to ramble.

“Ricky says ‘I digress’ waaay too much”, exclaims his co-worker Adam. “It’s obvious he doesn’t even know what digress means…I think he just likes hearing himself say it.”

Adam went on to explain that he and his co-worker Josh thought that Ricky had gone completely overboard with his recent story, using the phrase a total of 39 times in five minutes.

“He kept saying it over and over again, with no clear objective. He would talk about how hot the sauce was on his pulled pork he had at Rib Fest and then say ‘I digress’ and keep right on talking about the sauce. Then he’d say it again! It was so infuriating. I almost called the police.”

When asked about his constant overuse of the word ‘digress’, Ricky had this to say:

“I digress.”

Area Cats Tripping On Acid

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Survey Says: Many FM-area cats are tripping on LSD.

Survey Says: Many FM-area cats are tripping on LSD.

Fargo, ND – Just as many local residents have long suspected, a recent survey has shown that many cats in the Fargo-Moorhead area are taking LSD on a daily basis.

Ms. Caramella Brandybuck of the National Feline Drug Taskforce is reporting that acid (LSD) has been pouring into our area from Minneapolis. The main kingpin drug lord responsible for the illicit trafficking has been a cat who goes by the name of Mr. Kitty (click on pic to see Mr. Kitty).

Caramella says that “Mr. Kitty and his organization have not only been bringing the drugs in, but have also set up quite an elaborate distribution network and have gotten many cats hooked on daily usage.”

If you’ve been thinking your cat has been acting abnormally odd of late, this newly available information might be very beneficial in helping spread awareness of this latest disturbing trend.

How can you tell if your cat is tripping on acid? Similar to humans, cats will sit and stare for hours with large dilated pupils, then suddenly jump sky high and totally freak out!

During acid trips, you may not see your cat(s) for daze on end. Hallucinations are very common, some of which they will try to attack as threatening phantom menaces.

If you ever try to stroke your cat while it is tripping out, or even give it a massage, and the reaction you get is not quite what you’d normally expect, your cat may very likely have its head in the clouds, while seeing you through a kaleidoscope.

Some creative cats have even learned how to scam the system and receive monthly social security checks to help finance their new-found favorite substitute for catnip.

If you think your cat is tripping on acid, please do not hesitate to call the National Feline Drug Taskforce at 1-800-CAT-TRIP.

NSA Sick Of Watching Us Screw Up ‘Your’ and ‘You’re’

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National_Security_Agency.svgWashington, DC—Reports that the National Security Administration is pulling our phone records have been met with serious outcry over whether or not this action infringes on American citizens’ right to privacy.

In response, the NSA is playing damage control by stating that it’s already getting sick of reading all the poor grammar and typographical errors contained in the many thousands of texts, facebook statuses, tweets and blog entries it’s been reading and that it will probably unfollow you guys really soon.

“Jesus Christ, people. It’s YOU’RE, not YOUR. It’s not THEIR, it’s THERE for crying out loud.” White House spokesman Josh Earnest said.

Earnest went on to say that the classified government initiative PRISM never expected to encounter such a tremendous amount of useless information coupled with lackadaisical grammatical proofreading and that going forward, those two factors combined would ultimately render our typed conversations both useless and unreadable.

“On behalf of the NSA and the Obama administration, i’d like to formally demand that you guys figure out who/whom, they’re/their, your/you’re among other irresponsible typos or we are going to unfollow all of you on twitter. I’m being serious.”

 

Minivan Fargo

Why It’s Ok To Drive A Minivan

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Minivan FargoFargo, ND. – The stereotype of driving a mini van is still live and well in 2013.  Whether you’re a soccer mom or a father with multiple kids, people who see you driving the minivan know your dignity as been ripped from your soul.

ALL THIS…..NOT TRUE!  You know what?  Minivans rock and here are some reasons why.

Manual Doors Are For Pussies

Who wants manual doors in the year 2013?  The convenience of having automatic doors is second to none.  Less effort and it makes you feel like a king. Pfft…manual doors!  Whatever!  Make the minivan work for you not with you.

 

Can Haul Anything

A minivan is so spacious that it can literally haul anything.  Throw all your ugly stinky shit in the van for a weekend camping trip while hauling a boat!  Then take that ugly shit out after the automatic doors open up for you.  If you’re a serial killer, you could probably haul 15 bodies up in that thang.

 

Not Giving  A Shit

Nothing smells of a manly man like driving a minivan.  It shouts, “I literally don’t give a shit that I’m driving this minivan.”  Who doesn’t flock to that confidence?

 

Room To Go Out Drinking

All your friends are over and want to go out.  Problem is, they all have cars.  Not you.  You have a minivan because you’re awesome.  You can fit 7 people in there comfortably.  Your ‘uncool’ minivan suddenly became ‘cool’.  But you already knew you were cool……because you drive a kickass minivan.  A minivan with a sweet dvd player.

 

Not A Cop Magnet

Cops don’t look to pull minivans over.  Look around next time you see people stopped.  Is it ever a minivan?  No.  No it’s not.  Minivans usually contain more then one kid and kids carry cooties and sometimes smell of fecal matter.  Cops don’t want none of that.  They don’t want ANY of that.

 

Can Certainly Have Sex In A Minivan

This had to make the list because you certainly CAN have sex in a minivan.  It’s so roomy it’s possible.  Then later down the road you already have a minivan to haul your newly born kids around in.  The minivan you had sex in a year before.

 

Viva La Minivan!