Sir Elton John Is Buying The Fargo Theater

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Sir Elton John is the proud new owner of the famous Fargo Theater.

Sir Elton John is the proud new owner of the famous Fargo Theater.

Old Windsor, Berkshire – Through our London branch office, the FM Observer has just learned that Sir Elton John is purchasing the Fargo Theater.

FMO: Mr. John, why did you want to buy the Fargo Theater, of all places?

Sir Elton John: Well, actually, it has long been on my bucket list, to own the Fargo Theater. We all thought it was a bloody good fit, a win-win, if you will? Plus, I loved the movie Fargo, and the wood chipper, and all that. And also, my accountants said this would be a great tax write-off!

FMO: Will you be doing any performances in Fargo, at your newly acquired concert venue?

Sir Elton John: That is a very likely scenario and we’ll have more exciting things to say about that in coming months! Right now, I’d just like to say, thank you to all the friendly people of Fargo, for welcoming me into your community, and for allowing me to own such a famous landmark, which will forever after be known as: Sir Elton John’s Fargo Theater, for tax purposes.

Fargo Band Selected To Perform During Halftime Of Next Super Bowl

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Double Negative is not expected to not perform during halftime of Super Bowl 51!

Fargo, ND – The ever-popular Fargo band “Double Negative” has just been chosen to play during the halftime of Super Bowl 52!

Even though the news came as quite a surprise, the seasoned band members all took it in stride.

Lead singer Mattie Guzman: “At first, we thought we didn’t have what it takes, but that attitude won’t get you nowhere.”

Guitar and saxophone player Tony Malone: “We can’t not be any worse than Coldplay was.”

Drummer Jimmy Chambers: “We haven’t never played for an event as big as the Super Bowl.”

Keyboardist Garland Gendron: “Nobody with any sense isn’t going to miss playing this gig.”

Bass player Adam Stokes: “I don’t not think this is a very, very big deal!”

Some of the songs that Double Negative often plays at gigs in Fargo include:

I Can’t Get No Satisfaction
We Don’t Need No Education
Ain’t No Mountain High Enough

Some of the songs written by Double Negative and which you can expect to hear during halftime of Super Bowl 51 are:

That Won’t Do You No Good
I Ain’t Got No Time For You
She Never Kisses Nobody

Harpist To Serenade Downtown Fargo Valentine’s Day Patrons

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Harpist

Für Elise in A-minor, whether you like it or not

Fargo, ND—The Observer is proud to announce a special treat for downtown Fargo this Valentine’s Day! The enchanting melodies of the soon-to-be infamous Broadway Harpist will serenade street-side onlookers this weekend. Couples who walk hand-in-hand down Broadway will enjoy the ambient presence of the heavenly harp-sick-cord.

Thine own soothing harpist shalt gleefully stalk ye with romantic sound as ye walk. He shalt follow thee downeth thine street-side, plucking gently at thilst instrument of divinity. Harken as ye traveleth by foot down thy sideth walketh; thine harpist shan’t be far away.

The street-side harpist will wheel his instrument close behind those who lag, strumming delicately. His harp wood might give you a playful nudge—but it’s all right! He merely wants to provide an intimate experience for you on this, the Lover’s Holiday. Tips are greatly appreciated.

Look for the harpist on a downtown Fargo sidewalk. Thilst playing shalt commence at the fall of nigh.

Zen Poets Group To Protest That ‘Blank Lines Matter’

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Blank Lines Matter!

Blank Lines Matter!

Zenda, Wisconsin – A group of minimalist Zen monks are forming an official protest group called: Blank Lines Matter!

As writers of Zen Koans and haikus, these humble Zen monks also believe that: Blank Lines Matter!

“As minimalists, we truly believe that a blank line is even more powerful than a non-blank line”, meditated Zen monk Basho (which means Banana Tree).

“When we look at a blank page of paper, full of blank lines, we are almost overwhelmed by its perfection and potential.”

If you too feel that Blank Lines Matter!, you are cordially invited to join the Zen monks at any of their Zen monasteries to drink the ceremonial green tea and crunch on candied crickets.

Feel free to express yourself by making protest signs that somewhere include: Blank Lines Matter!

Basho says don’t forget to include some blank lines on your protest poster.

Basho also wishes you a lifetime of peace and tranquility and reminds you to always remember that: Blank Lines Matter!

Basho’s Top Ten Zen Proverbs

Thin Man Found Living Inside Fargo Family’s Chair

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A thin man had been living in this chair for 30 years. Police asking folks to check their furniture.

A thin man had been living in this chair for 30 years. Police asking folks to check their furniture.

Fargo, ND – In what police are calling a “very bizarre situation”, a thin elderly man was recently discovered to be living inside a Fargo family’s large comfy chair, which had been in the middle of their living room.

Apparently, after delivering the large, over-stuffed chair to their home thirty years ago, the man decided to crawl inside the chair and stay for awhile.

The man would sneak out at night to get food from the fridge, perhaps stop in the bathroom, and then crawl back inside the chair.

He admits: “During the last thirty years, I sometimes did get rather bored, but then someone would come and sit in the chair, which was always fun for me.”

The Police are now referring to the man as the Chairman of the Bored.

Police are also requesting that everyone in the community please check all your furniture for any unexpected inhabitants who may be living inside.

Moorhead Imposes Harsh New Penalties For All Non-Recyclers

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Moorhead's new penalties for not recycling the most draconian in the nation.

Moorhead’s new penalties for not recycling are the most draconian in the nation.

Moorhead, MN – Effective immediately, the City of Moorhead will now be enforcing stringent new penalties for any and all households that do not recycle.

Moorhead’s Recycling Czar Marv Hammerstone: “Some folks might not like how strict these new penalties are but we don’t like non-recyclers.”

For a 1st violation, the penalty will be: One week at a recycling work camp, one day on the e-Wall of Shame, a fine of $100, and one Hail Mary.

For a 2nd violation, the penalty will be: Two weeks at a recycling work camp, two days on the e-Wall of Shame, a fine of $200, and two Hail Marys. And so on and so forth.

How will the City of Moorhead know if someone is not recycling?

Czar Hammerstone says: “Oh, we will know! Don’t you worry about that, mmkay? We will use every sneaky possible way we can think of to determine if you’re a non-recycler and then impose swift and hard punishments accordingly.”

Horoscopes For The Week Of February 4, 2016

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Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
Take time to really enjoy the first half of your Superbowl party this weekend. It will become a cherished memory of how good your life was before “The Buffalo Wing Catastrophe” changed everything.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
Solar flares in your Eastern Hemisphere suggest that the Sun is, once again **sigh**, determined to be a total douche this week.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
The appearance of Mercury and Saturn will dramatically alter the direction of your life, as will the appearance of Nissan, Chevrolet and unfortunately, Peterbilt.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
Try to remain open-minded this week when a friend suggests doing something outside your comfort zone. It’ll be quite liberating for those few minutes before you realize your friend is off his meds again.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
Your love life heats up this week, and continues to trend that way for the foreseeable future. Oops, the stars are clarifying that instead of “your love life” they meant to say “Antarctica”.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
Luck will be on your side in real estate this week, especially when you buy up all those undervalued Railroads and build that swanky hotel on Park Place. Nice work, Top Hat.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
The presence of Neptune in your third house indicates that, although it may seem rude, you probably need to excuse yourself and get to the surface for some air.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
When the Denver Broncos and the Carolina Panthers face off in Sunday’s Superbowl, the stars predict that somehow, some way, the game will end with the Green Bay Packers winning on a Hail Mary play.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
While the saying goes that “there is more than one way to skin a cat”, the universe strongly advises that you discontinue your endeavor to learn them all.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
This week is poised to teach you the difficult and painful lesson that although ignorance is bliss, it is also way, waaaaay stupid.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
A slip of the tongue will leave you in a vulnerable position, and you’ll be stuck wondering what kind of sadist would hang a lollipop so close to a frozen metal pole.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
When booking a flight this week, you’d be wise to inquire if the airline charges additional fees for emotional baggage. Because whoa, Pisces, that could get hella spendy.

Past horoscopes

FM Observer Secures Naming Rights For Blue Post-it Notes

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post-it-azul3-11

Brands®. They’re everywhere®. Get used to it®.

Temecula, CA—A much-anticipated blockbuster deal has been finalized. After extensive negotiations, the FM Observer has inked a lucrative branding contract with popular sticky note manufacturer Post-It. For the next decade, the FM Observer logo will be plastered on each and every blue 3″x3″ Post-it note.

FMO Spokesman Morven Tisslancer announced the deal to shareholders this morning. “I am pleased to announce naming rights for the blue Post-it notes have been secured. Not the yellow, not the pink, not the green. The blue ones, mmkay? From now until 2026, all 3-by-3-inch blue Post-it notes will contain the FM Observer agency logo. No comment. Next question.”

The FM Observer has been aggressively seeking a naming rights agreement after US Bank outbid them for the new Minnesota Vikings football stadium. Investors and developers say the deal with Post-it comes closest to meeting shareholder expectations and in the long run, will likely surpass the simple branding of a big, ugly football stadium.

MSNBC Trade Analyst Thousman VanDelay put things in general terms on last night’s Stock Jocks broadcast. “If FMO had papered the stadium deal, they wouldn’t have seen this perfect opportunity to brand up with Post-it. This is a major win for both parties.”

Exact terms of this agreement are not known. Speculation is that FMO paid mere dollars for the privilege of having yet another obscenely-placed brand thrust in the faces of American consumers.

Expect to start becoming infuriated by this brand placement within the next Fiscal Quarter.

Frack Lives Matter Movement Galvanizes In Western North Dakota

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Frack Lives Matter!

Williston, ND – With oil prices tumbling and jobs disappearing, western North Dakotans are channeling their frustration into a powerful, singular message: Frack Lives Matter.

Spokesperson Ole Baryll says the once booming oil fields are now standing idle, leaving only run-down man camps in their wake. “The drop in oil prices has left us frackers with a fracking disaster on our hands. We need the world to know how fracking bad it is here. Frack Lives Matter!”

In an effort to raise both awareness and money for the jobless man-campers, the Frack Lives Matter coalition will be staging a protest on Main Street in Williston at 5:00 Friday evening. In true North Dakota style, the protest will be promptly followed at 5:30 by a potluck/dance in the basement of Peace Lutheran Church.

“We’re calling the event Frackfest 2016,” says Baryll. “There will be fun games for the kids, an oil-filled dunk tank, and plenty of casseroles and Cheez-Whiz buns. The Sons of Norway will be serving up Frackfurters & beans, and Erma Johnson is in charge of the coffee. Hoppin’ Joe and The Crude Dudes take the stage at 7:00. Donations will be much appreciated. Frack Lives Matter!”

If you would like to participate in the protest, please dress warmly and bring a politely worded sign to the Town Hall parking lot at 4:30.

New ND License Plates Being Recalled Because Fonts Suck

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Everyone agrees that the new ND license plates suck. The only question is: How much?

Bismarck, ND – For Immediate Release:

Announcement: All of the new North Dakota ‘Sunrise’ license plates are being immediately recalled because: The fonts suck!

FMO: Hello? Could you please be a little more Pacific?

Official Response: The main brown font that says ‘NORTH DAKOTA’ looks like ‘a piece of rope’ from any distance more than half a car length.

And the ‘PEACE GARDEN STATE’ that’s cleverly hidden down in the bottom left corner isn’t even big enough to put cheese on, if it t’was a cracker.

Moral: Don’t frack with perfection. :o/