Try-Outs Now Open For Fargo’s New Table Tennis Team

Leave a reply
caption hier

Ping Pong: A serious sport for some serious fun.

Fargo, ND – As the sport of table tennis continues to grow in popularity world-wide, Fargo is being proactive to stay ahead of the competition.

Just as Fargo has its own baseball, hockey, and roller derby teams, the forward-looking city is beginning to put together an official Fargo Table Tennis Team.

By gathering the best of the best from our wonderfully diverse community, Fargo seeks to dominate any and all other cities and towns who dare to put forth their own table tennis teams.

The Chinese call it “Ping Pong” while everyone who participates just calls it “fun“.

No matter if you’re male or female, young or old, if you think you have what it takes to make the Fargo Table Tennis Team, watch for more information on leagues and tournaments that will ultimately determine the proud members of Fargo’s elite Table Tennis Team.

For anyone who likes to brainstorm, the team will also need an official name and logo!

City Council Rejects Counter-Terrorism Proposal

Leave a reply
downtown-fargo-street-scene-1

     “Turret On The Roof” starring Bette Middler. Not coming to a theater near you.

Fargo, ND – In the wake of the San Bernadino attack, Fargo city council members tossed around some rather extreme counter-terrorism tactics. 

Among those ideas discussed:

20140410__ZAA10TANK2p1

Counter-terrorism TANK

  • Tank patrol
  • Erect a big Incredible Hulk statue in front of Dempsey’s
  • Arm the homeless
  • Vacate downtown Fargo completely
  • Build a wall

The only considerable plan came from ambitious consulting firm Merryweather Security. They proposed that the city install a loaded machine gun turret on top of the Fargo Theater sign in an effort to discourage and/or swiftly eradicate illegal activity.

This proposal was bandied about, discussed at length, met with deep levels of concern and just today, finally rejected by the council.

Alternatively, South Fargo convenience store owners are said to be consulting with Merryweather independently. These owners seek drastic measures to reduce the amount of armed robberies taking place on their property.

Dr. Finance Explains Negative Interest

Leave a reply
caption here

Dr. Finance knows money. That’s why his latest book is called ‘Know Money’.

Green Bank, NJ – Dr. Finance is back by popular demand to answer another money question from one of our smarter readers.

Ms. Evette Ragsdale from Square Butte, Montana asks: Dear Dr. Finance, On a local radio talk-show, a financial expert mentioned the term “Negative Interest”. Could you please explain what this means? Thanks, Evette

Dr. Finance: Thank you, Evette, for that interesting question.

1. The term “Negative Interest” was first coined when scientists in the lab noticed that positive ions were only interested in attracting negative ions to be their life-long spousemates.

2. Later, movie-maker Woody Allen made the term a household phrase in one of his earlier movies when he was not invited up to a woman’s apartment at the end of their first date, because she had “Negative Interest” in pursuing a relationship with him because of his quirkiness.

3. More recently however, that same phrase is being applied by large banks which used to happily help a youngster open a savings account with the coins in their piggy bank. Since it’s usually such a small amount of money, the banks have “Negative Interest” in helping smaller investors because they would rather spend their time helping rich people like Rachel Maddow, who makes seven million dollars a year.

If you have a money question for Dr. Finance, please mail it in a green envelope along with at least $100 cash (for shipping and handling) to the FM Observer, attention Dr. Finance.

Cockpit Of New Boeing 797 Not Dissimilar To Giant Organ

Leave a reply
caption hier

Captain Jack says to be very careful what keys you push as some can pop open the plane’s cargo bay doors while in flight.

Organ, NM – As former test pilots for NASA, a few of our FMO staff members got to personally witness the unveiling of the latest Boeing 797 airplane.

While having every modern convenience known to man, some might say that the new Boeing 797 plane’s cockpit resembles a large organ.

“But don’t be fooled!” says Captain Jack Perkins.

“Literally every aspect of the new Boeing 797 airplane can be control with the press of a key, or in some cases, a special secret combination of keys.”

As a safeguard against hijackers, the normal flying of the plane is controlled by what type of music Captain Jack plays. If flying through some bumpy weather, Captain Jack plays a lively polka. While flying in calmer skies, the Tennessee Waltz might be more apropos.

Obama Threatens To Block Senate’s Block Of Supreme Court Justice Nominee

Leave a reply
caption hier

Double-doer?

Washington, DC – President Obama has vowed to find a qualified candidate to nominate for Supreme Court Justice. The speculation is that that candidate will be anti-anti-liberal. This does not sit well with the Republican-controlled Senate. They have stated that they will seek to block this nomination. That does not sit well with Obama. It sits so unwell, in fact, that Obama is ready to destroy the entire universe in order to get his way.

President Obama says he’s threatening to block the Senate’s block.

“The Senate says they will block my justice nomination. Well, if they do…ah… I’ll block that block. This is not good. Everyone knows that… ah…when you type ‘Google’ into Google, you can… ah… break the internet. Similar thing going on here. This type of action causes paradoxical duality….ah…which then catosphates a rift in the space time continuum resulting in… ah…the impenetrable quickening of antimatter. So, you see… ah… you should never double do something. But if I’m forced to…ah.. execute my constitutional right of appointment that which the Senate then blocks … ah… I’ll have to block that. So, folks…ah…start wearin’ your hard hats.”

Bictor Tedhanger

Bictor Tedhanger

Many in the quantum physics community are calling this potential block-block a serious threat to the very fabric of space time.

University of Organical Physicology Professor Bictor Tedhanger fears the worst. “If the President follows through on this block-block, what he says is very much accurate: paradoxical duality followed by an impenetrable quickening. This would be incredibly damaging to our atoms. Your body and mine would spontaneously molt from the inside out in the time it takes to extract candy from a baby hand.”

It would seem that Obama will stop at nothing to nominate his coveted Justice. Will Biden be able to talk some sense into him? If our guts implode between now and the end of Obama’s term, then that answer is probably no.

Proposed New Downtown Fargo Parking Ramp Offers More Style Than Space

Leave a reply
For the lucky few that find a parking space, they will be impressed by the Rococo design.

For the lucky few that find a parking space, they will be highly impressed by the Rococo-designed ceiling.

Fargo, ND – Downtown Fargo will soon be getting some much needed extra parking spaces thanks to a proposed new one-level parking ramp.

But instead of focusing on maximizing space for parking, developers have decided to maximize its architectural flair.

“By sacrificing some parking spots, we will be able to deliver to Downtown Fargo some much needed Rococo architectural attractiveness,” says Mel Anoma, who heads up Fargo’s Parking Authority.

The proposed new single-level parking ramp will cost about forty million dollars while the price tag for the impressive one hundred foot Roman-Rococo ceiling is expected to be about eighty million dollars.

Mr. Anoma adds: “As a special treat, we’re planning on having valet parking by trained illegal alien parkers, in order to really pack the cars into the actual parking area, which should hold about sixty cars when parked bumper to bumper.”

Military Raising The Bar On Combat Readiness Test

Leave a reply
caption hier

Pull-ups now considered to be cruel and unusual.

Columbia, SC – At Fort Michael Jackson, where most of the army recruits go for basic training, the Military is changing its testing to see who “makes it” and who goes home.

Gone are the days of push-ups, pull-ups, and a two-mile fun run.

The Army no longer wants to test fitness but rather combat readiness.

The FM Observer has learned of some of the new tests that hopeful recruits will have to withstand.

The Military’s New Combat Readiness Test:

1. How many times can you get up off your couch and run to the kitchen for a beer (and drink it) in five minutes?
2. Can you lift and carry a full box of Twinkies without opening it and eating any?
3. How quickly can you walk through an obstacle course while txting an encrypted message on your iPhone?
4. Can you find five randomly selected items on the Internet using Google search?
5. How long does it take you to fall asleep and then wake up and perfectly make your bed?
6. Can you cook and then eat an edible omelette using some randomly chosen ingredients?
7. After some shots of tequila, can you legibly sign your name and then properly parallel park a Hummer?
8. How long does it take you to find North after being blindfolded and spun around?
9. Can you remember and repeat back a list of ten items which might be found in a hardware store?
10. How long can you hold your breath while they drive by to spray for the Zika Virus?

Who Should Obama Nominate As Supreme Court Justice? An FM Observer Investigative Report

Leave a reply

With the unfortunate passing of Justice Antonin Scalia, Obama is now met with another opportunity to nominate one respected, authoritative, experienced, judgmental individual to the United States Supreme Court.

Who will he pick? One can only speculate. Who should he pick? Well, how bout we throw a few names around and see what sticks:

David Petraeus

petraeus

Stern with cases?

Former CIA Director, Military General, Medal of Merit recipient. The man has pedigree (alleged sex scandal notwithstanding). Maybe Obama could name him Supreme Court General.

Supreme Leader Snoke

Qualified because already supreme.

Qualified because already supreme.

With experience as a Supreme Leader, Snoke can utilize the powers of the Dark Side to restore balance to the galaxy judicial system.

Al Gore

4017988

No…?

Former VP and current climate change advocate Algore would make for a key addition. You just know Obama is going to want to push through some global cooling bills before his term is up.

Making A Murderer’s Ken Kratz

Would get kicked out of the Supreme Court faster than Steven Avery went back to jail

Would get kicked out of the Supreme Court faster than Steven Avery went back to jail.

The sneaky prosecutor from the famous Netflix docu-series Making A Murderer, Kratz is about as crooked as Hillary’s email server. Will that deter Obama from naming him Justice? Will it?

Janet Reno

Reno

Justice stands tall.

That killer instinct held at bay for over a decade, Former US Attorney General Janet Reno has been waiting quietly in the shadows since her retirement from politics in 2003. Reno will stand tall, wielding an impressively long arm of justice for years to come.

Should anyone else be considered for this prestigious nomination? Will you put your nomination suggestions in the comment section below? Only time will tell.

Valuable Valentine’s Day Mobiles Cleverly Hidden Throughout Fargo-Moorhead Area

Leave a reply
caption hier

This stunningly beautiful mobile by Amsterdam Douglass has an estimated worth of $100,000

West Fargo, ND – As a special Valentine’s Day treat for our readers, the FM Observer’s local resident artist has offered up some extra exciting fun.

Amsterdam Douglass is his name, and mobiles are his latest game.

Our long-time friend and seriously famous artist, Amsterdam Douglass, has created ten Valentine’s Day mobiles (each worth an estimated $100,000) and has also cleverly hidden them throughout the greater Fargo-Moorhead area.

Let us know if you find one of these beautiful Valentine’s Day mobiles created especially for you by Amsterdam Douglass.

We would like to have a picture taken of all the winners holding their mobiles.

So, good luck mobile hunting on this lovely Spring day, and Happy Valentine’s Day from the FM Observer, your most trusted source of satirical fake news.