Led Zeppelin To Play For Giant Prom Dance At The Fargodome

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All F-M area high skools to celebrate prom together dancing to the tunes of Led Zeppelin.

All F-M area high skools to celebrate prom together dancing to the tunes of Led Zeppelin.

Fargo, ND – Fargodome officials were very excited to announce that Led Zeppelin will perform for an all-high school prom this Spring.

The event coordinator, Ms. Ann Arky puts it this way: “Instead of many small little baby proms each dancing to Barry Manilow CDs, we decided to have all the high schools come together and jointly dance to live music by the band Led Zeppelin.”

Here are some student reactions to this big announcement:

Richard Lucas from Fargo South: “I’ve never heard of Led Zeppelin but I like the idea of all the high schools having one big prom.”

Alissa Dexter from Shanley shared this with us: “I’m thinking this is going to be the best prom ever!“

Clark Coburn of Fargo Davies High School: “I love Led Zeppelin! Maybe the prom theme will be Stairway To Heaven!“

Zika Test Now Available

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Thankfully, a new Zika Test is now available to help fight against the Zika Virus Disease.

Bismarck, ND – A new Zika Test is now available. Most of the test results so far have been quite negative. State epidemiologists are hoping for more positive results in the future. In cooperation with the FM Observer, Dr. Carola Runquist has put together this simple, new Zika Test which can be self-administered in the privacy of your own home.

Zika Test

1. What is Zika?
A: A new dance craze from Brazil.
B: Ford’s new hybrid car.
C: A popular dog name.
D: Something that is very, very bad.

2. How did Zika get the name Zika?
A: From King Zika, inventor of the hammock.
B: During a scramble game in Florida.
C: From the phrase: Zika solution to the problem.
D: Name of a forest in Uganda.

3. What does Zika stand for?
A: Zoom In, Kick Ass
B: Zombies Imbibe Kool Aid
C: Zambian International Knife Association
D: Zika Invasion Killing America

4. When/How was Zika first discovered?
A: During the 1951 filming of ‘African Queen’.
B: When Columbus discovered America.
C: By accident at 3M’s Post-it Division.
D: By a captive sentinel rhesus monkey in 1947.

5. What does Zika cause?
A: Microcephaly.
B: Adult paralysis.
C: Societal panic.
D: All of the above.

6. How is Zika carried/transmitted?
A: Through the U.S. Postal Service.
B: Over talk-show radio waves.
C: By Amazon delivery drones.
D: By amazon mosquitos.

7. Where does Zika occur?
A: At pinochle tables in retirement homes.
B: In co-ed dorms of state universities.
C: Deep within the Earth where fracking occurs.
D: At mosquito-infested tropical resorts.

8. How do people catch Zika?
A: By sneaking up on it with a large butterfly net.
B: With a glove while sitting in the foul ball section.
C: By using high-speed cameras while sitting in trees.
D: Bitten by mosquitos that also carry chikungunya.

9.What are the symptoms of Zika?
A: Weight gain after joining Weight Watchers with Oprah.
B: Violent shaking followed by periods of extreme agitation.
C: Dryness of humor along with wetness of socks.
D: Pyrexia, arthralgia, conjunctivitis, and lethargy.

10. How is Zika treated?
A: With as much respect as possible.
B: As if human survival depends on it.
C: Suggested daily trips to the Dairy Queen.
D: With pain meds, rest, and drinking plenty o’ water.

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The answers to all twelve questions is shown on this stone obelisk.

11. What can I do to protect myself?
A: Wear a hazmat suit at all times.
B: Sign up for LifeLock Ultimate Plus.
C: Watch Dr. Oz Show every day.
D: Prevent getting bitten by mosquitos.

12. Should I avoid travelling to Zika areas?
A: Concentrate and ask again.
B: Better not tell you now.
C: Reply hazy, try again.
D: Signs point to Yes.

FMO’s Final Interview With David Bowie

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David Bowie

David Robert Jones (January 8, 1947 – January 10, 2016)

Manhattan, NY – Here is a portion of the FM Observer’s final interview with David Bowie:

FMO: Would you describe yourself as a serious kind of guy?
David Bowie: I’m always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don’t even take what I am seriously.

FMO: What is the quality you most like in a man?
David Bowie: The ability to return books.

FMO: What would be one of your favorite books?
David Bowie: Don’t you love the Oxford Dictionary? When I first read it, I thought it was a really really long poem about everything.

FMO: Do you think society has changed since your Ziggy Stardust days?
David Bowie: People are so fucking dumb. Nobody reads anymore, nobody goes out and looks and explores the society and culture they were brought up in. People have attention spans of five seconds and as much depth as a glass of water.

FMO: Do you speak any foreign languages?
David Bowie: I can ask for cigarettes in every language.

FMO: Did you have any tricks for writing songs?
David Bowie: When I’m stuck for a closing to a lyric, I will drag out my last resort: overwhelming illogic.

FMO: Is there any kind of music that doesn’t seem to jive with your personality?
David Bowie: Funk, I don’t think I have anything to do with funk. I’ve never considered myself funky.

FMO: What would you say is one of your biggest pet peeves?
David Bowie: I’ve never responded well to entrenched negative thinking.

FMO: What are your thoughts on religion?
David Bowie: Religion is for people who are afraid of going to hell, spirituality is for those who’ve been there.

FMO: Has aging taught you any lessons?
David Bowie: As you get older, the questions come down to about two or three. How long? And what do I do with the time I’ve got left?

FMO: What are your thoughts on life and death?
David Bowie: Confront a corpse at least once. The absolute absence of life is the most disturbing and challenging confrontation you will ever have.

FMO: Do you have any plans for the after-life?
David Bowie: I don’t know where I’m going from here, but I promise it won’t be boring.

Contest: Get Your Ass To Mars!

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News from the future – March 4th, 2066

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Mars Outpost, 2066

Fargo, ND—NASA’s Mars Rover, since its placement on the Red Planet decades ago, has been hard at work constructing the much-anticipated MARS OUTPOST interplanetary research and development facility.

The MARS OUTPOST, located smack dab in between a storm of red lightning and swirling alien dandruff space dust, has become the galaxy’s first spacetacular astrological science and research center. The Mars Rover built this monstrosity from the ground up using nuclear and solar-powered state-of-the-art engineering. Impressive!

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Mars Rover

Anyway, NASA (in conjunction with select media outlets across the nation) is preparing to send one lucky duck straight to Mars in a shuttle captained by R&B legend and current owner of Mars, Bruno Mars. The winner shall receive a first-hand look at the gorgeous new OUTPOST facility!!

The FM Observer will be coordinating an entry contest with its readers. All you have to do to win is complete a small 100-word essay in our comments section below explaining why you should Get Your Ass To Mars. Our staff will compile the results and select one lucky space cadet to be sent on a one-way 34,000,000-mile trip to the Red Planet.

Upon landing on Mars, cadets will eventually be greeted by the Mars Rover where there will be a photo opportunity (no flash photography) along with a guided tour of MARS OUTPOST. After that, you will help Rover do ferocious interstellar battle with Martians.

Good luck!

Must be 18 or older to win. Anyone named Scot is barred from entry (don’t even bother trying, you smug one-t’d bastard). Bring your own space suit (Cohaagen refuses to give his people air). FM Observer and its entities herein are absolved of any transportation casualties after winner has boarded ship. Winner must pass rigorous physical conditioning test prior to departure. No smoking on board spacecraft; vaping OK. Gluten-free rationing available by request. Winner is responsible for his/her own safe return to Earth. Offer valid in continental US only—sorry, Texas.

160-Year-Old Man Shares His Secrets To Longevity

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Sheppy Milton, world’s oldest human and poster child for nanotherapy

News From The Future, March 3, 2116

Austin, TX – Sheppy Milton, the oldest human alive at 160, is terribly reluctant to grant interviews but when he heard that his father and esteemed time traveler Vern Milton made an appearance in our fine publication over 100 years ago, he obliged.

The planet’s oldest man is understandably reclusive. He never answers his doorbell and refuses to acknowledge his worldwide telecommunications interface. We spoke to him via VirtuaSkype from his UltraHouse in Austin, TX.

FMO: So let’s start with the obvious. What is your secret formula for an incredibly long and fruitful existence?

Sheppy: “I’ll tell you, but I must warn you: I’ve heard this question a million times once I turned 120 and as a result, I’ve since mastered every martial art and will kick your ass 40 different ways after this stupid interview is over. Now, to answer your question: Nanotechnology. I was one of the first humans to sell my body to nanotech engineering science. The fine folks at ITT Technical Institute have been injecting me with gene therapy nanobots for nearly 60 years.

FMO: What advantages do you take from enabling microscopic machines to change your cell atoms?

Sheppy: “Very important ones. The nanobots consume and expunge all impurities while simultaneously altering my DNA via a pre-programmed algorithm specific to my genetic code. This technology disables disease and hinders the aging process.”

FMO: Fascinating! What other anti-aging tactics do you employ?

Cryochamber. Every home has one, man.

Cryosleep chamber. Every home has one, man.

Sheppy: “Cryosleep, obviously. Every house nowadays has one, man. This isn’t news! Same shit the astronauts use to travel to Neptune and back. Same shit, except I don’t crank it (the temperature) up as high as they do. I take my nightly nanobot injection, spin up the cryosleep chamber to, oh, roughly 100 below zero and I get in there and preserve for 8 hours. Aging ceases during cryosleep! If you do the math, I’ve added 24 years to my life by cryosleeping every night since the year 2050. The next morning I wake up and pop a limitless pill like everybody else. I’m no different than you.”

FMO: Of all the stuff you’ve seen during your 160 years in America, what do you consider the most amazing?

Sheppy: (without hesitation) “The Kanye West presidency.”

FMO: Do you think you’ll die by natural causes?

Sheppy: “I don’t think so. The technology is so advanced, there’s nothing my body can’t survive. On the contrary, there’s nothing stopping me from getting flattened by a Google SelfBus or being eaten alive by one of the thousands of Ebola-stricken forest zombies Big Government can’t seem to contain. That’s why I stay inside and play Candy Crush Endless Saga all day. No, i’ll live forever unless I were to choke to death on a mouthful of my homegrown genetically-mutated panther jerky. See you in 2216!”

Project Update for the FM Diversion

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Red River

There’s been a Diversion diversion

Fargo, ND – Ralph Malph, a local busboy, informed us at the FM Observer that a huge change is coming to the controversial FM Diversion. Ralph was working his usual tables and overheard a city official discussing top secret information on the diversion project. The official said: “North Dakota is sick and tired of sending that Red River water up to those crazy Canadian loonies for free, so we are going to take advantage of the Diversion and send water to California to help with the drought. You know, do the North Dakota ‘Nice’ thing.”

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“I’m going to build a slide” – Trump

One might ask, how is ND planning on paying for something like this? Well, thanks to Ralph we have an idea. The official said: “We are going to implement a new state tax, called the “CA-ND-Y” Tax. The CA is obviously for California, and ND is for North Dakota, and the Y is why the hell are you asking?”

The experts at the FM Observer have been trying to figure out how ND plans on sending the water to California. Our guess is that they could have Donald Trump build a 1,878 mile-long water slide to send the water on over. Plus, it could be another source of revenue to pay the bills by giving kids and some adults an exciting week-long ride! For right now though, it’s just speculation, but time will tell.

West Fargo’s ‘War On Dogs’ Now To Include Deportation

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West Fargo dog catcher asks for voluntarily compliance to round up all dogs.

West Fargo, ND – The fastest growing city in North Dakota, known as the “City on the Grow”, has also just declared its own “War on Dogs.”

The most recent Dog Census revealed to city leaders that the dog population was growing four times faster than its humanoid population.

“Enough is enough!” declared Carl Fanzer, West Fargo’s Top Dog Catcher.

West Fargo’s new “War On Dogs” will include a simple 3-point plan:

1. Ask owners to voluntarily bring their dogs to the City Pound.

2. Hire professional dog catching teams to round up all remaining dogs.

3. Begin “Doggy Deportations” back to each dog’s country of origin. For example, all German Shepherds would go to Germany, Great Danes to Denmark, as so on and so forth.

To find what country your dog would be deported to, use this handy chart!

Rachel Maddow Announces She’s Running For Governor Of North Dakota

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Rachel Maddow describes herself as a left-looking liberal lady as well as a proactively progressive political pundit.

Bismarck, ND – Rachel Maddow has stunned the political world by announcing that she is running for Governor of the great state of North Dakota.

Most people know Rachel Maddow as a popular political commentator who hosts the Rachel Maddow Show on MSNBC.

Some might not know that she is also an accomplished author who holds a doctorate in politics from the prestigious Oxford University.

With a vast dearth of Democrat candidates running for Governor of North Dakota, Rachel Maddow has decided to throw her name into the proverbial political hat.

FMO: Why North Dakota? Why would you want to run for Governor of North Dakota?

Rachel Maddow: “Some people see things as they are and ask why. I see things that could be and say: Hey, what the heck!”

Moorhead Finally Changing Its Name To East Fargo

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Moorhead excited to finally be changing its name to East Fargo!

Moorhead, MN excited to finally be changing its name to East Fargo, ND!

Moorhead, MN – Residents and city leaders in the quirky town of Moorhead, Minisoda are just giddy with the idea they will soon be called East Fargo.

“It’s been a long time coming and I’m so glad to still be alive to see it finally happen” says Dr. Nerv Bulstad, Cartographer Emeritus for American Map Corp.

Moorhead’s city leaders admit that this name change makes sense in so many ways:

Fargo has its West Fargo, North Fargo, and South Fargo but has long been lacking the final missing puzzle piece: East Fargo! Now, anyone who’s a symmetry freak can have the balance they’ve been seeking.

Also, Moorhead has long been living in Fargo’s shadow and can no longer compete with F-Town. As one long-time Moorhead resident who wished to remain anonymous (Mrs. Agnes Vurvbock) put it: “Well, if we can’t beat ’em, let’s join ’em, dammit!”

Rumor has it that there are even some back-room discussions underway to divert the Red River to the East, around East Fargo, so that the newly named Fargo suburb can actually be in North Dakota, like it should be.

Horoscopes For The Week Of February 26, 2016

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Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
The stars acknowledge that you’re seeing some real benefits from taking Yoga classes, though the truth is, it’s actually your moral flexibility that concerns them the most.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
As Mars dips in its orbit, it’s time to address the universe’s larger problems of failing time-space infrastructure, intergalactic corruption, rampant wormholes, and the greedy top 1% of Planetary Elites! Paid for by friends of Bernie Sanders.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
You will feel the weight of the world on your shoulders this week, which indicates that it may be time to address some of the inherent flaws in your “Piggy-Back Uber” business model.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
You’ll have plenty of time to ponder how anyone ever killed two birds with one stone while that therapist works on your dislocated shoulder later this week.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
The stars are warning you that practical jokes involving horseradish never, ever end in laughter.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
Although you will succumb to a dangerous temptation, things will be fine after Gollum bites that ring off your finger and falls to a fiery death in the lava of Mount Doom. Whew, you had the stars pretty nervous for a minute there, Virgo!

Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
You can take comfort in the idea that most people you know would choose you to join them on a desert island. Although it’s mostly because your soft, pasty skin would make perfect fish bait.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
While aging can be a difficult part of life, the stars predict that your unbelievable clumsiness will spare you at least that one particular difficulty.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
Your lucky numbers this week are B5, N33, and G8. **Alert** It appears that the Dark Moon Daubers have hacked your horoscope reading for the week of 2/26/16. Please disregard, and avoid bingo palaces until further notice.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
The color red is looming very large in your Galactic Karma Center. Yeah, sorry, there’s just blood everywhere, friend. No way around it.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then you’ve clearly got a much bigger water problem in your basement than you previously thought.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
While burning the candle at both ends has been fun, you’re about to realize why most people don’t buy their candles at Darryl’s Load ‘Em & Light ‘Em Warehouse.

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