The Entire Internet Will Be Down For Maintenance This Weekend

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Internet Maintenance Task Force member contemplates what needs to be done.

Silicon Valley, CA – The Internet Maintenance Task Force has announced that the entire Internet will be down this weekend to perform some server maintenance and important system upgrades.

Luckily, this should only affect Saturday and Sunday, depending on where you live.

By Monday morning, the Internet should be rebooted and back up and running, for the most part. On Monday morning, there may still be some spotty intermittent outages in certain parts of the world.

Sorry for any inconvience this may cause, and thank you in advance for your understanding and patience.

Our apologies for the short notice, but some very important upgrades have been on hold for awhile now, and this weekend (and possibly next weekend) seemed to be a workable time-frame to get these things done.

Again, sorry for the inconvenience.

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Basic DOS Command Line will be available for emergencies.

FAQs:
Q: Will this affect the entire Internet?
A: Yes, this will affect the entire Internet.
Q: Will I still be able to Google any questions I need answered?
A: Yes, on Monday morning, you should be able to Google again.

In case of emergency, the command line will be available for entering basic DOS commands into the sub-net.

Fargo Man Performs Amateur Exorcism

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exorcismFargo, ND – An area man, without the help of a brave Catholic priest, has completely freed his significant other from demonic possession. Blenn Fristle, 42, was able to purge the darkest beast from within his wife Pavia by quickly skimming through the 2013 edition of Exorcism For Dummies.

“I won’t get into it too far, but chapter 4’s Scream Away The Ghost worked damn well in a pinch,” said Fristle. “It’s an easy read. You don’t gotta recite no spiritual hibbajib like they do in movies. You basically yell ‘get out of here, ghost!!’ a buncha times ’til you pass out. And, boom! The devil’s gone.”

Fristle’s wife Pavia isn’t convinced she had ever taken in an evil spirit. “I wasn’t possessed by nuthin’. Blenny just thinks i’m ‘full of the devil’ when it’s that time of the month. It weren’t no damn exorcism.”

The Observer commends Mr. Fristle for standing tall against Satan on his wife’s behalf. Exorcism For Dummies can be found at a bookstore near you.

First Fargo Robin Sighting A Sign Of Spring And Global Warming

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I know it's a little early but it sure feels like Spring!

I know it’s a little early but it sure feels like Spring!

Fargo, ND – Multiple reports of a robin sighting in the trees around the West Acres Mall indicate that Spring is just around the corner.

Sheila McCox who had just entered the mall’s parking lot said: “I was so surprised and happy to see my first robin that my car drove itself into a light post!”

While many welcome an early sign of Spring, others grow increasingly concerned that late January is way too early for robins to be returning to Fargo.

Chief climatologist Thiv Simpskins says: “This is further confirmation of Global Warming. It may be time to seriously start looking for another planet.”

In the meantime, Fargo residents can begin to look for more signs of Spring: 1. The returning of the Redhawks, 2. Potholes, 3. The beginning of road construction season, 4. Minor flooding (if we’re lucky), and 5. Mosquitos carrying the Zika Virus.

Big Demand For Small Hats Due To Zika Virus

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This charming line of ZikaHats available at Nordstrom's and Walmart.

This charming line of ZikaHats available at Nordstrom’s and Walmart.

Hatboro, Pennsylvania – As the mutating Zika Virus spreads by mosquitos through America, the fashion industry is wasting no time trying to get ahead of a new trend.

Since the Zika Virus causes microcephaly, hat sizes will soon need to be smaller to fit onto all those smaller heads.

International fashion designer Zeke Kahat has seen this trend of smaller heads needing smaller hats go from the Zika Forest in Uganda, to the Island of Yap, to the mainland of Brazil.

“My colorfully fantastic collection of ZikaHats is here to stay, especially since there is no vaccine or treatment for the Zika Virus” says Zeke Kahat.

Vin Diesel To Donate 4,000-Gallon Collection Of Distilled Tears To Flint, MI

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Genuine heart

Genuine heart 

Distilled-Water1

Not happy tears

Hollywood, CA – Contrary to what we all had thought, acclaimed movie badass and feared megaman Vin Diesel isn’t 100% ferocious. 

No! Upon hearing of the Flint water crisis, he’s taken the call to donate to this long-term need. Diesel will be sending them his 4,000-gallon repository of cried human tears.

He keeps a huge stock of distilled tears on hand that keep him “lit”. 

“Sadness tears give me that edge. They get drank [sic] before a lift or a shoot,” Diesel growled in between bites of raw tiger meat. “So i’ll give ’em to Flint.”

When asked where the heck he got 4,000 gallons of distilled tears, Diesel vehemently denied harvesting them. Instead, he claims, he gets them from an anonymous source in Dubai. “Flint can have what I got. I’ll just get more.”

Barry Manilow’s ‘No Apologies’ Tour Announces Possible Stop In Fargo

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Barry Manilow offering ‘No Apologies’ for any of the songs he’s written.

Barry University, FL – The one and only Barry Manilow with his latest “No Apologies” Concert Tour has announced he is considering a concert tour stop in Fargo.

A few contract details still need to be ironed out such as the final price tag, and all the specific requirements for snacks in Barry Manilow’s dressing room.

FMO: Why is your concert tour called “No Apologies”?

Barry Manilow: Because I refuse to apologize for some of the songs I wrote!

FMO: Why would you apologize for some of the songs you’ve written?

Barry Manilow: Only because some people and websites are calling for me to apologize for some of the songs that I’ve written. Apparently they really do not like them and wish I’d never written them.

FMO: Do they mention which songs you should apologize for?

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Long list of required dressing room “snacks”.

Barry Manilow: I guess some of them might include: Lay Me Down, Talk To Me, Marry Me A Little, Freddie Said, The Night That Tito Played, Can’t Smile Without You, I Want To Be Somebody’s Baby, Turn Up The Radio, and I Write The Songs That Make The Young Girls Cry.

FMO: So, why don’t you just apologize?

Barry Manilow: No! I am Barry Manilow and I will apologize for nothing! I like all of my songs, including my latest one that I just wrote yesterday which is called “No Apologies”.

Horoscopes For The Week Of January 24, 2016

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Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
Practicing your listening skills with coworkers could lead to some surprising insights, especially once you get those phone taps up and running.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
The rise of Jupiter in your third moon indicates that 1.) You have 2 too many moons, and 2.) Your massively overinflated ego has finally developed its own gravitational pull.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
Following an eventful snorkeling excursion, your long-time fascination with sharks will be replaced by your new-found fascination with prosthetic limbs.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
A feeling of deja-vu this week will signify that danger is imminent. A feeling of deja-vu this week will signify that danger is imminent.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
The stars are amused to report that, although no one on earth will notice, your Friday night “Bathroom Incident” will become the most viewed intergalactic Hu-Tube video of the week.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
You will face some delays while traveling this week, but things will get back on track once Doc channels that 1.21 jigowatt bolt of lightning into the DeLorean’s flux capacitor.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
Although wrapping his birthday present in duct tape seemed like a funny idea at the time, you will find that you grossly overestimated your father’s ability to safely use a pocket knife while eating ice cream cake.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
The stars once again advise that setting realistic goals will benefit you much more than setting fires. They feel they’ve been over this.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
Your new Iron Man belt buckle will prove to be not only extremely cumbersome, but downright dangerous when you attend next weekend’s Magnet Enthusiasts Convention.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
Capricorn: The universe is unavailable for comment as it is hosting an astronomically stellar homecoming party for its most loved and revered Capricorn ever, Ziggy Stardust (aka David Bowie). Horoscope auto-reply: Take your protein pills and put your helmet on.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
Based on a giant upcoming deposit in your bank account, it appears your lucky numbers this week are 666.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
A miscommunication from months ago will be clarified this week, finally explaining why you’ve been getting so little satisfaction out of keeping that Latitude Journal.

Past horoscopes

Mail Delivery In Some Fargo Neighborhoods Described As ‘Random’ At Best

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In some Fargo neighborhoods, the chances of getting someone else’s mail is: 100%

Fargo, ND – “Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.”

But nowhere in the U.S. Postal Service’s motto does it say that mail will be swiftly delivered to the correct address.

In some Fargo neighborhoods, the chronic problem of mail being delivered to the wrong address is so bad that it has gone beyond just a maddening irritation to the point of being a laughable joke!

“It’s gotten so bad” says Ann Velope, “that it seems like they’re either screwing things up on purpose, or blind chimpanzees are sorting and delivering our mail.”

The Postmaster admits there might be an occasional problem but is quick to point out that “when a piece of mail is successfully delivered to the correct address, it’s a miracle that should be celebrated, especially when you consider that many mail carriers have dyslexia. But since no one can ever be fired from a government job, they either keep working their current job, or get promoted, like I did.”

Canadian Movie Star Thonn Furbeglan To Host 2016 Maple Syrup Festival

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Thonn Furbeglan

Thonn Furbeglan

Edmonton, AB, Canada – The syrup world is abuzz this morning with the announcement that Canadian action film star Thonn Furbeglan will be donning the flannel stageside for this year’s Maple Syrup Cookoff Festival set to take place at City Theatre in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.

The competition will be hot as thousands of maple syrupers from around the country bring their best concoctions in hopes to snag the coveted Golden Leaf Award. Furbeglan plans to gleefully lend his talents as both festival emcee and TasteMaster.

Golden Leaf

Golden Leaf

Contestant syrup will be judged thoroughly in the following categories:

  • Genuine Richness
  • Mapleness
  • Friendliness
  • Trueness Of Strength

Furbeglan has been waiting for this moment. “I’ve always wanted to host this, eh? But every year there’s been a scheduling conflict as i’m always out filming Canadian movies in the woods and snow during winter, eh? I’m real-eh excited to final-eh be a part of it.”

Throughout the festival, Furbeglan will be readily available for photos, autographs, hugs and the like, as is tradition. The week-long festival runs from Sunday, January 24th til February 1st, a Monday.

The New Goal When Playing Tennis Is To Lose

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Many pros now using their challenges to prove one of their shots is OUT instead of GOOD, as called.

Many pros now using their challenges to prove that their own shots should have been called OUT, instead of GOOD.

Tennis, SD – It seems political correctness has now changed the game of tennis.

While LOVE still means nothing, the goal of winning the game has changed.

What’s going to matter moving forward is how many matches have you lost, not won.

This change in the basic goal of the game can now be seen while watching professional tennis players.

In fact, challenges of a call are now used to prove a player’s shot was not good.

With the new goal of tennis being to lose, this will now give hope to many young (and old) poor tennis players.

Being physically fit will no longer be a plus but rather a minus.

Some professional tennis players in the future might not even be tennis players!