Cave Exploration Not Unlike Doing A Colonoscopy

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Dr. Hugh Janus likes to spend his free time exploring the bowels of the Earth.

Dr. Hugh Janus likes to spend his free time exploring the bowels of the Earth.

Cavetown, Maryland – Recently, while hanging out in the lunchroom of a local hospital, we learned of an interesting phenomenon while sipping coffee at a table with some gastroenterologists.

What we discovered is that many of these digestive tract doctors like to spend their free time exploring caves and leading some group cave explorations.

Dr. Seymour Butts said he started exploring caves while back in medical school. “I found caves to be a nice, quiet place to study.”

Dr. Willy Reams likens our planet’s caves to “the bowels of the Earth, which are well worth investigating.”

Dr. Richard Brown admitted that “after years of doing colonoscopies, I just feel comfortable hiking and exploring caves, which can go on for miles.”

Dr. Rodney Ram: “I actually became a gastroenterologist after growing up exploring caves in my state as an inquisitive youngster.”

Horoscopes For The Week Of January 13, 2016

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Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
With holiday family gatherings safely behind you, the stars agree that you can stop swallowing your anger in big gulps now and just go back to your usual little sips.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
The power of Venus will be unprecedentedly strong in your love life this year. Unfortunately, the power of Serena will be far stronger and, frankly, a little scary.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
Your planetary energy suggests that the key to relaxation this week is to focus on the simple things in life. Like the gentle fizz of a whiskey and soda, or the way that Xanax pill feels in your hand.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
Try not to worry too much when you get a flat tire later this week. Instead, take a few deep breaths and start coming up with a plausible story about how your car ended up in your cubicle.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
With Mars eclipsing Mercury, you have a good chance of finding your mate at the laundromat this week, assuming you can survive the wild wet ride and ensuing tumble that await you. Oh, and also, you’re a sock.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
You will be forced to question the validity of your rescue Chihuahua’s paperwork when, after a full month, he still won’t say “Yo Quiero Taco Bell”.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
Your New Year’s resolution to lose 10 pounds will be surprisingly easy to accomplish when you pass what will come to be known as the world’s largest kidney stone ever.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
While all Scorpios have long memories for perceived wrongs, the stars feel it’s probably time to forgive Bobby Henderson for that 2nd grade dodgeball incident and set him free from your basement dungeon.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
As the moon opposes Saturn, you’ll want to steer clear of conflict this week, especially with loved ones. So yeah, it might be wise to cancel Scrabble night with Uncle “My-House-My-Spelling” Wesley.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
A seemingly benign news story about nitrate-free meat will prove to be the last straw for you as your brain finally exceeds its capacity to store nutritional data and just explodes.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
Your dream of living in a hip tiny house will soon become a reality, complete with decorative bars on the door, a clever stainless steel toilet, unique built-in bunk beds, and a roommate named “Killa”.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
It will be ironic when, after you win the lottery, you in fact don’t die the next day, but instead book a luxury suite at an Alanis Morissette concert. Unfortunately, they’ll serve a gimmicky plastic black fly in your chardonnay which you’ll accidentally swallow and choke to death on. Frickin irony.

Past horoscopes

Gamecocks No Match For NDSU Bison Thundering Herd

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A few scrawny gamecocks prove to be no match for The Bison Thundering Herd!

Frisco, TX – A gamecock is a rooster that’s bred and trained for cockfighting. Unfortunately for Alabama’s Jacksonville State, Bison are buffalos that are bred and trained to stomp out gamecocks.

After the NDSU Bison football team’s bloody stampede over the opposing gamecocks, it once again shows that The Bison are truly in a league of their own.

While gamecocks are learning how to peck at other gamecocks to establish their little pecking order, NDSU Bison football players are lifting tractors for exercise.

While gamecocks are nibbling at a kernel of corn, NDSU Bison football players are practicing to win another National Championship amid endless fields of corn.

While gamecocks are limping back to their bus for medical attention, NDSU Bison 5-Time National Champion football players are being recruited by the NFL.

Go Bison! Bison Nation! Bison Pride!
Hello, once again, to ESPN College GameDay!

Long Island Ice Tea Party Seeking Their Presidential Candidate

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Wouldn’t the staff members of the Long Island Ice Tea Party Caucus be called the staphylocaucus?

Long Island, NY – Fed up with all the shinanigans going on in government and politix today, the Long Island Ice Tea Party is ready to make its move.

Pre-caucus meetings of the Long Island Ice Tea Party are being held in bars, pubs, and clubs all across what’s left of America.

Party leaders are determined to find a presidential candidate who represents not only the lollypop guild but also the non-lollypop hoi-polloi folks who still love the American Dream as much as they do a good strong Long Island Ice Tea.

Spokesman Ray Schnauzer slurred to his translator: “With just the right ingredients, our party’s candidate will bring to the Oval Office just the right blend of sweet and sour, while delivering the most bang for the buck, do you know what I’m saying?”

After having a few Long Island Ice Teas, if YOU feel that YOU have what it takes to be president, then simply stand up and say “I nominate myself!” at the next pre-caucus getogether of your local Long Island Ice Tea Party.

California Drought To Be Quickly Replaced By Giant Mudslides

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If you pray for rain, you gotta deal with the mud too.

Rio Linda, CA – The Good News is that the California drought will soon be over. The Bad News is that the state will soon be one gigantic mudslide. Climatologists at our FMObserver headquarters now believe that California will no longer exist as we currently know it. Within about two wet weeks, the Golden State will go from a D-4 Exceptionally Extreme Drought to an MS-4 which is Mudslide Max. The main course served at all restaurants in California will soon be Mud Pie. Instead of being a stick-in-the-mud, people will be a-stuck-in-the-mud. Once all the rain clouds finally move through, the skies will be as clear as mud. Whatever it says on your mailbox now, after it’s all over, your name is mud. James Taylor will be singing your new state song: Mud Slide Slim. But, hay, don’t forget to remember the Good News: At least your D-4 drought is over!

Oprah Wants Everyone To Join Weight Watchers Since She Owns 10% Of The Company

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Everyone who reaches their goal weight will receive a free yo-yo from The Oprah!

Chicago, Illinois – The Oprah is asking for everyone to join Weight Watchers to lose weight along with her.

After having her personal chefs help her balloon up to an astounding 850 pounds, now she is cleverly asking America to join her in dropping some tonnage.

While she loses weight, she and Jabba The Hutt will each be pocketing tons of money since they each own ten percent of Weight Watchers.

Some stupid questions we’d like answered are: How could The Oprah be so overweight if she’s already this involved with the company? What’s her goal weight? 400 pounds? What weight will she balloon up to after this profitable stunt is over? Is Jabba The Hutt also going to try to shed some tonnage?

Top Ten Signs 2018 Might Be A Bad Year For You

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And you thought 2017 was bad!

And you thought 2017 was bad!

Badlands, ND – Even though 2018 could be a very good year, here are some indications that 2018 might not be so great for you:

10. You wake up with a hangover on January 1st to the sound of jail doors slamming shut.

9. You slowly figure out that that very last text you sent last night to your BFF affectionately saying “Happy Fucking New Year!” somehow got sent to everyone in your contact list.

8. You dream you’ve been hacked only to wake up to realize that everything you own has been encrypted.

7. You take your little Shih-Tzu for a walk and realize it’s not your little Shih-Tzu.

6. You see a murder of crows quietly sitting on your deck railing, each with a sign around their necks saying “You’re Next.”

5. A large cash-on-delivery package arrives at your front door and the guy is asking for $1,480 for what’s inside Box #1!

4. After a nice, long, phone conversation with your parents, you remember they both passed away back in the 90s.

3. You see a security camera picture of yourself on the local evening news asking to immediately call the police if you see this very dangerous armed person.

2. You take your entire family to see Star Wars and realize too late you’ve mistakenly gone to see Star Whores.

1. Algore now believes we are at the start of a 10,000-year Ice Age!

FMO’s Suggested List For Your 2018 New Year’s Resolutions

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Another chance to start a new chapter!

Fargo, ND – It’s that unfortunate time of year again when everyone is frantically trying to come up with their list of New Year’s Resolutions. And once again, FMO to the rescue!

After many hours of intense focus group studies and eating glazed donuts, we have come up with our suggested list for your 2018 New Year’s Resolutions:

10. Lose more weight than you gain in 2018, unless you’re bulimic, then just the opposite.

9. Spend less time on FaceBook and more time with your face-in-a-book, perhaps @ the local library, to basically people-watch people who don’t have anywhere else to go, and nothing else to do, except look at you.

8. Periodically call the front desk of a large hotel and order room service directly to your home. When they object, then say you strenuously object to their tone of voice, and threaten to not pay your room bill.

7. Start doing some serious Christmas shopping in June and have everything wrapped up by Halloween (using a secret code system to remember what’s inside each present.)

6. Win more often when attending casinos and vow to only pick winning stocks to invest in with your monthly grocery money.

5. Take more stay-cations @ home and spend them bingeing out on the next season of all those Netflix series.

4. Learn a new hobby, such as: making weird animal sounds, start a ukulele support group, gather one-ingredient recipes into a cookbook for dummies, collect old mirrors from garage sales and strategically place them to maximize the amount of sun coming into your home.

3. At home, re-organize everything you own alphabetically and then in order by size, or vice versa.

2. Spend more time with strangers by doing volunteer work @ random places in random towns @ random times.

1. Express anger immediately so it doesn’t build up into a giant pressure cooker that blows during “fun” family getogethers.

0. Read FMObserver religiously and pray for the FMObserver writers to produce more viral content.

HAPPY NEW YEAR from the FMObserver!

Previous FMO New Year’s Resolution Guidance

Wife Divorcing Husband For Christmas Shopping At A Strip Mall

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Better think twice before shopping at a strip mall!

Fargo, ND – A Fargo woman is filing for divorce after finding out her husband was doing some “Christmas shopping” at a strip mall.

Maxine Garrison said she was driving by a local “strip mall” when she allegedly saw her husband walk into that strip mall. “I couldn’t believe my eyes. So I called my husband on his cell phone. When he said he was still at work, I knew something was up.”

Mr. Lewis T. Garrison later tried to explain in vain that he was just out doing some last minute Christmas shopping for his lovely wife and also wanted to pick out a nice card from the Hallmark store for his wife of 19 years. However, divorce papers have already been filed and the matter is now headed for the dreaded Divorce Court.

Maxine Garrison warns: “If husbands think it’s just OK to go spend time in some seedy strip mall, especially just before Christmas, then they damn well better be ready to lawyer up!”

FMO’s Dr. Willy Nilly Announces He’s Permanently Moving To Brazille

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Dr. Willy Nilly Moving 2 Brazilly

Rio de Janeiro, Braziliana – Our long-time friend and consultant, Dr. Willy Nilly, who’s been helping out the FM Observer for many moons, has finally decided to call it quits and move on into the next chapter of his postcocious life!

Dr. Willy Nilly’s Official Statement:

My time working with this crazy FM Observer funsite, which has almost been the best part of my life, so far, will sadly soon be coming to a end. The next phase of my life will be spent down in Brazille. Leaves have fallen all around, and it’s time I was on my way. Thanks to you, I’m much obliged for such a pleasant stay. But now it’s time for me to go. The winter moon lights my way. For now I smell the snow, it’s time to go, and I need to leave Fargo. Sometimes I grow so tired, but I know I’ve got one thing I got to do: Ramble On! And now’s the time, the time is now, to sing my song! I’m going around the world, I got to find my girl, on my way. I’ve been this way ten years to the day, Ramble On! Gotta find the Queen of all my dreams. Got no time for spreadin’ roots. The time has come to be gone. And to our health we drank a thousand times, it’s time to Ramble On! Ramble On! And now’s the time, the time is now, to sing my song. I’m goin’ down to Brazille, I got to find my girl. So, I’ll be on my way. Good bye, FM Observer!

Dr. Willy Nilly’s FMO Posts:

Ticks Are Bad For WE Fest

Basic Crash Course On Phlebitis