Jamestown Man Goes Crazy While Looking At Himself In The Mirror Too Long

Leave a reply
caption hier

I’m looking at the man in the mirror.

Jamestown, ND – Have you ever looked at your self in the mirror long enough so that you forgot you were looking at a reflection? Mirrorologists call this magical moment the Mind Snap Moment, named after Dr. Leonard Mind Snap, who once reported that: “This is the moment when you suddenly think you’re looking at another person instead of your own reflection.”

A Jamestown man, who shall remain anonymous (Lonny Frackenbush), just recently encountered the Mind Snap Moment while looking into his bathroom mirror way too long. Hallucinations of indoor snow and uninvited in-laws began joining him during his 10-hour starefest into his bathroom vanity. Dr. Mind Snap once said: “Mirrors should come with warning labels.” It’s just too bad that Lonny Frackenbush didn’t read this post soon enough.

Santa’s Deliveries In Jeopardy As Rudolph Has Chronic Wasting Disease

Leave a reply
Rudolph is sick and Santa has irritable bowel syndrome.

Rudolph is sick with Chronic Wasted Disease as is evidenced by the dark spots on his ears, antlers, and nose.

North Pole, Alaska – Christmas authorities are expressing serious concern over a recent report from SantaLand that Rudolph is suffering from the dreaded Chronic Wasting Disease.

Tis believed that Rudolph may have contracted this often fatal disease while partying with an outside herd at the Extreme Reindeer Games in Asspen, Colocado.

A snowy Santa spokeself sadly said that “Rudolph has been acting much like a couch potato lately, just laying around all the time, munching on Pringles Sour Cream Potato Chips and watching endless reruns of the Twilight Zone.”

As such, hundreds of the “nice” children around the world may not be getting any presents delivered from the real Santa this Christmas.

Of course, all the “naughty” children wouldn’t have gotten anything anyway so this doesn’t really affect them, now, does it?

First Annual Plastic Surgery Beauty Pageant To Crown Miss Plastic America

Leave a reply
caption hier

Tune in to see who will win the right to wear the crown of Miss Plastic America!

Beauty, Kentucky – This is the event for which many have been waiting a long time.

The 1st Annual Miss Plastic America Contest will soon have the most “beautiful” plastic surgery victims descend upon Beauty, Kentucky from each of the 57 states in the nation.

Each contestant will be vying for the right to wear the coveted Miss Plastic Surgery of America crown for an entire year.

Judges will be looking for the extreme magnitude of their botched plastic surgery as well as the confidence each participant carries while walking in an evening gown, a swimsuit, and green hospital scrubs.

The winner will receive $100,000 of free additional plastic surgery, a Hollywood-style mirror, a cover story on Plastic People magazine, the envy and admiration of the entire plastic surgery community, along with some other crap donated by various companies trying to get some cheap advertising.

Cenobites Denied Foreign Immigration Visa

Leave a reply
Hellraiser 10: Hell Is War

Not so fast, foreigners.

Hell’s portal is closed…for now

Hell—Due to increasing skepticism over foreign immigration, The Cenobites, aka Satan’s Minions, have been denied entry to America via Hell’s customs portal.

Pinhead, the leader of the Cenobites, voiced discontent over these new restrictions. “HELL HATH BEEN TORN BY WAR. WE, THE CENOBITES, SEEK REFUGEE STATUS VIA YOUR COVETED J-4 VISA. HOWEVER, DUE TO A NEW VETTING PROCESS IMPLEMENTED BY YOUR DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY, WE MUST PROVE OURSELVES WORTHY OF PASTURE. IN THE NAME OF LUCIFER IN THE HIGHEST, WE SHALL ULTIMATELY, WITHIN THE CONFINES OF ELIGIBILITY, OBTAIN RESETTLEMENT AND ONCE AGAIN TORMENT THE SOULS OF EARTH’S MORTALS.”

Filming for the tenth Hellraiser movie Hellraiser X: Hell Is War is on hold until the Cenobites can prove that they’re merely harbingers of Hell’s circus of agony and not moderate Muslims.

Last Sane People On Earth Now Starting To Lose Their Minds

Leave a reply
Let's just try to "hold it together" for a little longer.

Let’s just try to “hold it together” for a little longer, okay?

Valentine, NE – Up until now, the last two sane people living in this insane world were Charles and Beverly Landstrum from Valentine, Nebraska.

But now, unfortunately, the Landstrums have begun to show signs that they too are starting to “lose it”.

When asked for comment, Beverly stated: “Well, I certainly thought I ordered two sour creams from the milk man but unless there was maybe some sort of problem with our Christmas tree being too short we may want to try out for Wheel Of Fortune.”

Charles then stepped in to clarify: “My mother used to make us fresh cookies every Saturday but I wanted to watch cartoons instead. So, can we watch some cartoons now?”

At this time, top federal investigators are unwilling to classify the Landstrums as crazy until they have had much more time to determine whether or not they fall into the strict federal definition of insane.

Tax On Christmas Trees To Go Directly To Obama Retirement Fund

Leave a reply
caption here

Triple the cost = Triple the joy

Christmas, FL – It’s about that time of year again to go buy a Christmas tree for your ho-ho-home.

Most of Santa’s helpers will be purchasing a real tree, that died for your sins.

Others will be bringing home an artificial tree made from unknown toxic chemicals in some polluted Chinese factory.

Either way, expect the final cost of your Christmas tree to be tripled thanks to President Obama’s Christmas Tree Tax.

Here’s how it works: Let’s say for example, a Christmas tree that normally would have cost $50 will now only cost you a mere $150.

In the name of Climate Change, this past executive order by former President Obama will provide him and his family a nice, much-needed, and much-deserved Christmas bonus each and every Christmas for the rest of their lives.

Horoscopes For The Week Of December 1, 2015

1 Reply
Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
As you begin your painting project this week, your excitement will be replaced by horror when you realize the name of your new living room paint color is Satan-Claims-This-Home Red.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
Instead of seeing the glass as half empty, try to see it for what it really is: your last chance to walk away from that 32 oz. growler before you add yet another entry to your long list of regrets.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
A large expenditure could completely change the trajectory of your life, so you’ll want to carefully consider the pros and cons of becoming a Level IV Operating Thetan before you write that check.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
You will prove to yourself this week that there is truly no end to the amount of time you can waste planning for the big lottery win that is never, ever going to happen. But hey, somebody has to win.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
An unexpected delivery could cause a problem in your relationship, but take heart: you successfully hid a pregnancy for 9 months, just imagine what else you’re capable of.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
Good news! The stars have concluded that there are finally enough stupid people in the world to make your “Dehydrated Water” business idea a profitable one.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
As the world turns, Hamilton and Alexis conspire to expose Winston’s sordid past in order to kidnap his love child with Hamilton’s sister Charmagne….oops the stars were watching the Soap Channel again. Those silly stars!

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
After surviving being struck by a Porsche 918 Spyder while crossing the street, you and your lawyer will have a good laugh over the phrase “success is no accident”.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
You will curse Orphan Annie after you bet your bottom dollar and the sun, in fact, does not come out tomorrow.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
A random phone call will lead you on a wild adventure. Just remember to get all the required vaccine shots before you go chasing down your life’s savings somewhere in southern Nigeria.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
Your best friend’s juice cleanse experience will inspire you to jump on the health bandwagon this week. Unfortunately, substituting gin-and-juice will result in you falling right off that wagon in a rather dramatic fashion.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
After years of feeling “different”, a chance encounter on the beach will help you understand that you’re really exactly the same as all the other wide-eyed, suffocating half-fish people.

Past horoscopes

Jim Nantz Receives Sportscasters Guild Perseverance Award For Putting Up With Phil Simms

Leave a reply
Consistently great during times of trial.

Consistently great during times of trial.

Los Angeles, CA – The Sportscasters Guild of America held its annual awards ceremony late yesterday. The highlight of the evening (and of every SGA awards show) was the handing out of the coveted Perseverance Award. This is given to the one sportscaster who demonstrates an impressive catalog of broadcast excellence in the face of adversity during the calendar year.

For putting up with Phil Simms twice a week for 10 consecutive NFL regular season telecasts, Jim Nantz was unanimously voted the 2015 recipient.

“Hello friends,” Nantz said as he accepted this prestigious honor, “Jim Nantz with you here on this fine Sunday evening. I’d like to dedicate this award to my partner Phil Simms who just a few hours ago made a handful of illustrated points using nothingspeak and uttered the phrase ‘Well, we talked about this Jeem’ repeatedly, ad nauseum. Couldn’t have done it without you, partner.”

2015 marks the 17th consecutive year Jim Nantz has received this award.

Google’s New 3-D Printer Can Print An Edible Roasted Turkey

Leave a reply
caption here

If eating is believing, then try this!

Turkeyfoot, PA – Leave it to Google to take 3-D printing to the next level.

After some Germans were able to first print edible gummy bears with a 3-D printer, Google has now perfected the ability to 3-D print a ready-to-eat, hot, roasted turkey, just like the one grandma used to pull out of the oven for Thanksgiving.

University of Pennsylvania’s Senior Fellow, Dr. Walter Vonderpluke has been heading up the turkey testing for Google’s 3-D Printing Division: “In my opinion, this Google turkey is very succulent and quite delectable. In a word, ambrosia! To be honest, I cannot believe it was printed with a 3-D printer.”

For those who already own a 3-D printer, simply download the free Google Turkey App and hit the Start button. You and your family will have a beautiful, ready-to-carve, 16 pound Thanksgiving turkey in about 18 minutes.

For those who do not already own a 3-D printer, Santa has been notified.

Fargo’s New Party Barge To Run On Red River Yearound Thanks To Global Warming

Leave a reply
caption hier

Fargo’s Red River Party Barge

Fargo, ND – Thanks to Algore for first inventing the Internet, and then Global Warming, Fargo’s new Party Barge will be providing tours of the Red River throughout the entire year.

The Party Barge is an actual decommissioned Navy tugboat recently taken out of service during the overall downsizing of our military.

Depending on the season, Party Barge tours up and down the Red River will serve hot cocoa, wine, beer, or shots of tequila.

While riding on the Party Barge, passengers will be able to get a first-hand view of our local nature, wildlife, and homeless population who live under the bridges.

The covered docking area which will be maintained by a group called Pier Group Pressure will sell homemade scones, donut holes, and lefse.

Pier Group Pressure chairwoman Flavia Gracestone says she envisions the Party Barge docking area to be a wonderful new community resource rentable by various support groups, cults, gangs, churches, and political parties.