Tag Archives: cat

Survey Asks: Do We Really Need Domesticated Cats?

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One thing that everyone agrees on: Domesticated cats are now obsolete!

Catalina, Arizona – We recently surveyed less than a million people asking about cats as pets.

The overall consensus from our expensive and extensive survey was that domesticated cats have now become obsolete.

Case in point: Let’s take the average domesticated cat for example.

Your typical house cat has become bored, lazy, and fat.

Today’s modern couch cat goes from catatonic cat naps to over-using recreational catnip with an occasional caterwaul for more of the same.

Domesticated cats are an embarrassment to their species and are nearly unrecognizable from their ancestral progenitors.

The solution to this catastrophe is to release today’s home-bound cats out into the wild to give them a purpose again: Mouse and Vole Patrol!

In summary: Do we really still need to have domesticated cats? The answer is a categorical: NO!

Stevie Wonder Comes To Fargo To Do Some Snowmobiling

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Stevie Wonder on a snowmobile in Fargo!

Fargo, ND – You may have recently heard a rumor that Stevie Wonder was coming to Fargo to go snowmobiling.

Well, Mama, that ain’t no rumor!

After Sir Elton John publicly offered Stevie Wonder the use of one of his snowmobiles, Stevie decided to take Elton up on his offer and finally get that item checked off his Bucket List!

Stevie Wonder: “I have always wanted to go snowmobiling in Fargo, North Dakota and breathe the wild winter air while driving a snowmobile, all by myself.”

Some reasons why Fargo was chosen for Stevie Wonder’s snowmobile outing were its flatness of earth and its dearth of trees, both of which are salient for Stevie’s snowmobiling safety.

Cathy’s Cat Cafe Opens In Fargo; Reviews Give It Five Meows

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Fargo’s cat cafe caters just to cats!

Fargo, ND – The new and hip trend of having restaurants specifically for our feline friends has finally come to Fargo!

Cathy’s Cat Cafe will cater to cats by offering a full catalog of favorite cat foods and fun.

Every category of toys, teasers, challenges, and scratch posts will surround your cat’s culinary experience at Cathy’s Cat Cafe.

Food specials such as catfish deglazed with catsup wine sauce will make your cat as happy as a catholic in a catacomb cathedral.

Recreational catnip will be available throughout your cat’s visit, since it is now legal in the state of North Dakota!

Older Cats Not Too Hip On Trendings Of Younger “Cool Cats”

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Young Felix gets some strong negative feedback from Mama Cat for wearing his new hip hat.

Cathead, PA – There seems to be a growing disconnect between older “establishment” cats and the new younger generation of kittens.

For example, some young kittens, like little Felix, are starting to wear hats to make themselves “look cool” and stand out.

Mama Cat ain’t too keen on Felix wearing his new hat, nor is she super hip on young Felix listening to Miles Davis jazz.

Felix’s mom, Mama Cat, likes a shallow bowl of milk while relaxing to music by Cat Stevens, and sometimes even finds herself meowing along to the musical Cats.

Conversely, young Felix often jams out to Cat Power, Pussy Cat Dolls, and Cat Empire while nibbling on sushi catfish, and sharing some recreational catnip with his “cool cat” friends.

Then when Mama Cat thinks it’s time for a restful cat nap, young Felix and his cat-nipped friends get busier than a one-eyed cat watching two mouse holes.

“Gray Stray Cat Virus” Now Infecting Some Home Computers

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Say hello to your new computer virus!

Cathead, Pennsylvania – A new computer virus called the Gray Stray Cat is on the prowl.

It silently lurks in waiting until unsuspecting computer users let down their guards.

How will you know if you have the Gray Stray Cat virus?

Oh, you’ll know! It will periodically pop its head up whilst giving you a nice long me-e-eow. Just be happy you didn’t get the barking dog virus!

How can you make it go away?

Stop giving it milk and then hire a computer-wise fourth grader from your neighborhood to carefully remove it from your infected computer.

Fotos By Fritz The Cat Opens In Moorhead

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Photography by Fritz The Cat

Photography by Fritz The Cat

Moorhead, MN – A new business is finally coming to the quirky town of Moorhead.

Fotos by Fritz the Cat will be opening its doors this week at the sight of the old Ralph’s bar on Main Avenue, just across the river in downtown Moorhead.

Frankly, Fritz admits to being an illegal alien cat who snuck into town via Lutheran Social Services.

Fritz began taking pictures when still just a small kitten back in his home province of Catmandu, in the mountainous country of Nipel, after being given a camera by the Dolly Llama.

Now, Fritz the Cat would like to serve the off-beat town of Moorhead with his photography skills.

His specialties are weddings, funerals, family pictures, graduations, mugshots, retirements, births, bar mitzvahs, accidents, and circumcisions.

To schedule a shooting, Fritz recommends contacting his wife, Miss Kitty.

If you mention the FM Observer, you will receive a 50% discount off of the normally inflated price due to Obamacare.

New ‘Cat Fight’ Movie Will Scare The Shit Out Of Cat Lovers

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Here Kitty Kitty!

Hollywood, CA – Set to open just before Halloween, the highly anticipated latest new scary movie called “Cat Fight” from Director Blaze Benzun will shirley deliver.

Cat lover and owner Shirley Nightly sees her lovable cat Fritz, whom she once found as a cute little abandoned kitten, go from a normal, decent cat to the mega-nightmare cat that only Blaze Benzun could have concocted.

People that have seen the movie have reportedly gone home and immediately “gotten rid of” their cat(s) out of incurable chronic acute felinophobia.

Look for Cat Fight at any theaters near you that show all those super scary movies around Halloween time.

Don’t try to trick the cat after you offer it a treat!

Missing Cat Found Wrapped Up Under Tree

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Here Kitty Kitty!

OMG! Where’s Felix?

Fargo, ND – After their dear sweet cat went missing for two days, the Dumstone family desperately dialed 9-1-1.

Specially trained canine units were brought in to hopefully sniff out the lost feline.

It turns out that Felix was found under the Dumstone’s Christmas tree after it had inadvertently been wrapped up as a present (most likely by Grandpa who arguably has dementia.)

Other than being extremely hungry and starved for affection, Felix was fine since Grandpa had somehow thought to put some high-grade medicinal catnip into the box with the cat.

Moral of the story: If you see any Christmas presents moving around on their own, better cut back on your pills, or ask Grandpa if he remembers doing any gift wrapping.

Fargo Cat In Tree

Police Shoot And Kill Cat For Climbing Tree Illegally

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Fargo Cat In TreeFargo, ND – Police had to shoot to kill a cat over the weekend.

Tigger, a local neighborhood cat, was shot over the weekend. Police state they received a call about a cat climbing a tree illegally.

Police responded to the call immediately. Upon arriving at the scene, police state that they tried to get the cat down the tree but it hissed at them in a scary manner.

It was at this point the police felt threatened by this domesticated pet and unloaded on it in fear for their life.

400 bullets were expended and all but 3 missed and the cat was pronounced dead on scene.

The Fargo Police Department would like to remind people to keep their pets inside or it risks being shot.