Tag Archives: committee

During Impeachment Inquiry Lunch Break, Adam Schiff Orders Pizza For The Dems But Disallows Republicans To Have Any Pizza

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House Intelligence Committee Chairman Adam Schiff doesn’t allow Republicans to have any pizza.

Swamp City, DC – On Day One of the House Impeachment Inquiry of President Trump, Chairman Adam Schiff ordered an abundance of luncheon pizza for the Democrats on the committee but did not allow the Republicans to order or have any pizza.

Ranking minority member Devin Nunes fretfully asked Chairman Schiff why the Republicans were not allowed to have any of the Democratic pizza, or even just to be able to order any pizza for themselves.

The stoically rigid chairman of the House Intelligence Committee responded by saying that the minority party does not have the power to order any pizza for lunch, nor have the right to share in any of the Majority’s pizza-fest.

When the Republican members asked what lunch options they had, Adam Schiff explained that any written requests the Republicans submitted to the committee would eventually be considered by the Majority party…in a secret closed session.

Creative Ways To Decline An Offer (Besides Just Saying No)

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If just saying NO doesn’t work, try one of these negative phrases:

West Fargo, ND – Your FM Observer recently brought in two excellent professional life coaches to instruct our entire staff on how to say “NO” in a number of different ways.

Let’s face it, there are many times you’re asked if you’d want to volunteer for a committee, or buy a coupon booklet, or get involved in some weekly activity. At the time, you know you should decline, but for some reason you say YES (and later regret it).

Certified Life Coaches Sonja Yust and Tony Jauss (who headquarter out of New Orleans, or NO-town) had us practice saying a number of useful phrases that can be used when trying to decline an offer when someone is asking you to do something you’d really rather not agree to.

After first responding by saying “Why do you ask?” then use any of these cleverly designed phrases as an alternative to just saying NO:

⦿ What part of “Nyet” don’t you understand?
⦿ This is not part of my agenda for this decade.
⦿ All signs are pointing toward non-concurrence.
⦿ My jurisdiction doesn’t cover this type of fiasco.
⦿ Thanks for asking, and for never bringing it up again.
⦿ I can commit to not committing to your misguided plans.
⦿ I gave up doing things that make me want to kill myself.
⦿ Let me think about it and I’ll get back to you in 20 years.
⦿ This idea is more undesirable to me than nude ice fishing.
⦿ Unfortunately, I don’t see this as being on my Vision Board.
⦿ I am currently not in the market to buy what you’re selling.
⦿ There are more gullible people you should discuss this with.
⦿ You seem to be barking up the wrong tree at the wrong time.
⦿ Your presentation is not falling into any common sense category.
⦿ You should rethink this idea until it starts to make some sense.
⦿ My news years resolution was to avoid stupid ideas like this one.
⦿ I would rather remove my own gallbladder with a rusty pitchfork.
⦿ Life is too short to pursue things like this that seem to totally suck.
⦿ I’ll consider your idea after the Minnesota Vikings win the Super Bowl.
⦿ This is the exit point at which I plan on disembarking this train to hell.
⦿ There are worse things I could agree to but I can’t think of any right now.
⦿ Sorry. That’s the day of my grandmother’s soccer game, and I never miss those!

⦾ Ironically, all of the letters in both “Sonja Yust” and “Tony Jauss” can easily be re-arranged to: “Just Say No!”

Next Olympic Winter Games To Be Held In Fargo, North Dakota

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The new F-M Curling Club was the deciding factor to have the next Winter Olympic Games in Fargo.

Fargo, ND – The city of Fargo has been abuzz ever since the International Olympic Committee announced that Fargo, North Dakota will host the next Winter Games.

When Fargo first bid for the Winter Olympic Games, most people ridiculed the idea as fake news, and laughed until they cried.

It turns out that in Fargo, the I.O.C. found everything it was looking for in a Winter Games host city.

From their official announcement statement: “Fargo, North Dakota is a paragon-perfect poster-child place that can host the next Winter Games cost-effectively, logically, efficiently, and safely. Plus, Fargo has a lot of fine restaurants and places to drink mass quantities of bier.”

One insider leaked that Fargo’s new, state-of-the-art Curling Club was one of the main reasons Fargo was chosen to host the next Winter Olympix, since curling has now become the #1 favorite spectator event of The Winter Games.

During this leak, the leaker also mentioned that the only real thing Fargo will have to do to prepare for The Games is create some good-sized mountains, possibly from all the dirt that will soon be excavated for the Red River Diversion.

New UND Nickname And Logo Soon Announced: The Sundogs!

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New UND Sundog Logo

The New UND Sundog Logo

Grand Forks, ND – With the Fighting Sioux nickname found to be too politically incorrect and the top vote-getter “North Dakota” being thrown out by The Committee, it looks like those with the power to decide are leaning toward: The Sundogs!

Since the term “Sundog” has so much meaning and history associated with the University of North Dakota, it seems like the obvious logical best choice.

“The UND sports teams are bright spots on the halo surrounding the University as are Sundogs around the Sun,” says one anonymous committee member who has no past association with UND in any way.

Ironically, another committee member, whose dog recently went to the vet and had a neck cone put in place to prevent it from licking its wounds, noticed that the cone looked like a beautiful sun halo around Barf’s head. “Hey, Barf looks like a Sundog!”

Early polling indicates that almost all Fighting Sioux alumni think Sundogs is a wonderful replacement name and cannot wait the for official announcement to come.