Tag Archives: downtown

Clown Parade Coming To Downtown Fargo :o)

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Hey, you can totally trust me! I’m just a nice friendly old scary clown!

Fargo, ND – Downtown Fargo will soon be invaded by thousands of clowns from across the country.

Many clowns will be descending on Clowntown Fargo because it’s the next site of the annual national Clown Parade.

Despite the fact that clowns have gotten more and more scary during the past few decades, some children are still attracted to clown parades, mainly for all the free candy.

But, how much can you really trust freek candy from a scary clown in a clown parade in Downclown Fargo?

Watch your local news for informational updates on the upcoming Clown Parade in Clowntown Fargo.

Or, if you need immediate assistance, please visit any of the local clowns currently living under the bridge over troubled waters down near Downclown Fargo.

Iconic Downtown Fargo Theater To Be Converted Into Condos

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The Fargo Theater sign will happily remain but the theater will sadly become condos.

Fargo, ND – The famous Fargo Theater in Downtown Fargo will soon be turned into unique upper-floor condos while the valuable ground level space will serve as much-needed parking for its residents.

The iconic Fargo sign and the large theater marquee, which have recently become the symbol for the City of Fargo, will remain as a historical reminder of its past glory.

“Because of Netflix, people just don’t go out to see a movie like in the old days,” says Dr. Sagendorf Toothacre who is heading up this somewhat controversial transitional downtown project.

Dr. Toochacre says many of the items from the old theater will be auctioned off or somehow recycled.

The organ pipes will be turned into different sized bird houses, while the beautiful stage curtains will be made into couch pillows and sold at auction to raise money for Global Warming.

Ironically, all of the letters in Sagendorf Toothacre can be converted into: Fargo Theater Condos!

Rooftop Dancing Is The New Downtown Fargo Party Craze

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Paden & The Crofooters doing the dance that began the whole Rooftop Dancing Party Craze in Downtown Fargo!

Fargo, ND – As we all know, each and every new national craze usually starts as a spark in someone’s brain.

Well, the new craze is Rooftop Dancing and it began in renascent Downtown Fargo.

The idea came to Mr. Paden Crofoot after he had consumed multiple adult beverages during a brainstormy evening in Fargo’s hip downtown area.

Mr. Crofoot in his own words: “My idea was what if there were party people dancing at midnight on all the rooftops in downtown Fargo, and it was just like one big party?! Think of it as Fargo’s version of Dancing With The Stars!”

Ironically, all the letters in Paden Crofoot can carefully be re-arranged to also spell: Rooftop Dance!

New Fargo Donut Shop Specifically Designed For People On Drugs

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The Magic Donut caters to druggies.

Fargo, ND – Entrepreneur Jami Hendrix is opening a new doughnut shop in Downtown Fargo.

The unique thing about this donut shoppe is that it will be created with people on drugs in mind.

Jami Hendrix: “Rather than deny we hava drug problem in Fargo, why not accept it and then cater to it?”

She is calling her new biz simply The Magic Donut.

Ms. Hendrix: “We want to heighten people’s donut experience. We can do this with special music and lighting, cool interactivities, along with the general design and layout of the space.”

Besides having wonderful donuts at The Magic Donut, Jami is planning on having:

1. Jimi Hendrix music playing backwards.
2. Highly interactive donut areas.
3. Booths that keep changing shape, like Oprah.
4. Movies playing such as Trainspotting and Blow.

Question: What is the slogan of this new Magic Donut you may ask?
Answer: “Donut chew wanna donut?” and “We have very high standards!”

Fargo Downtowner Arrested For Repeated Dawdlings

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Man arrested in Fargo for dawdling. So, when in doubt, do not dawdle.

Fargo, ND – Nyork Slocco, who calls the general downtown Fargo area his home, was arrested by police for “dawdling“.

“No man! You got it all wrong. I was in no way dawdling! Dallying a bit maybe, yes, but deafinitely not dawdling,” says an adamant Slocco.

The arresting police officer added that there might have also been some “puttering” going on too.

Officer J.J. Haskins: “I first tried to suggest that this person just ‘mosey along‘. Dude, please, just meander off in one continuous direction for about a block. Even a slight ‘sashay‘ would have been good enough.”

But what the police officer got instead was an “ambling about” that closely resembled the earlier dawdling, or what the wine-drinking French sometimes loosely refer to as “coqueting“.

After Mr. Slocco was put into jail, correctional staff officers reported Nyork to be “skulking” in his cell.

While sauntering down to the refectory, Nyork Slocco saw a sign on the wall that read: “Learn to be civil. Stop with the frivol.”

Unofficial moral of the story: No matter your lot in life, a healthy vocabulary of synonyms can help you get a lot more out of your life and also into a lot more trouble.

Official moral of the story: Don’t Dawdle In Downtown Fargo.

Fargo Debates Downtown Vomit

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Where do you stand on the vomit issue?

Fargo, ND – City officials in Fargo are urgently wondering if you think more should be done about vomit on the streets in downtown Fargo.

While some people here are understandably anti-vomitus for the struggling downtown Fargo area, others believe that vomiting in public is protected as free speech by the 1st Amendment to the United States Constitution.

“Since vomitus usually comes out of the mouth, this action is legally considered to be a form of speech, and therefore, anyone in the United States of America should be able to vomit anytime, anywhere” argues the Rev. Perry Stalsis, a well-respected vomitologist, author, and retired pastor from the Barf University Research Project (BURP).

“If we give up the right to vomit in downtown Fargo, what will be next? Urinating in Sioux Falls?” he worries.

In coming months, expect to see sickish protesters from the Fargo Free Vomitus Society working the streets in opposition to a possible proposed city ban against downtown vomitus.

Fargo College Game Day Crowd Swells To A Million

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Unexpected large crowd surprises everyone

Unexpected large crowd surprises everyone

Fargo, ND – ESPN’s College Game Day program was expected to attract a large crowd but nobody knew exactly how large it would be.

One policeman said: “I think everyone from the state of North Dakota is here! And they each must have brought a few friends. This is quite crazy!”

One loyal fan in the crowd who camped out overnight admitted: “This downtown football party is overshadowing the actual football game in the Fargodome.”

The NDSU “Bisons” are favored to stampede the Incarnate Word Cardinals by 72 points.

Early Fargo Business Man Attacked By Giant Blue Mountain Swallowtail Butterfly

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Downtown Fargo, September 12, 1924

Fargo, ND – On this date 90 years ago, a Fargo businessman was attacked by a very large butterfly while crossing a street in the downtown area.

The man’s name was Mr. Simon Cummings who owned and operated Cummings Shoe Store.

Witnesses said that while Simon was negotiating some lunch-time puddles from a September rain storm, a giant blue butterfly seemed to attack Mr. Cummings out of nowhere and for no apparent reason.

One of the on-lookers that day was hotel owner Betsy Donaldson, who was quoted as saying: “If I wouldn’t have seen it, I would not have believed it. This will really make me rethink butterflies.”

The butterfly was later determined to be a Blue Mountain Swallowtail butterfly whose scientific name is Papilio Ulysses.

This special type of butterfly is normally found in Australia where they have been known to attack humans for no obvious reason.

NDSU butterfly expert Norman Winger wrote of this incident: “Of course, there is always a reason for things that happen, but we might not ever be able to know what was going through the mind of a giant teal-toned butterfly, in downtown Fargo, on a rainy day in September, in the year 1924.”

Area Outdoor Pianos Maybe Not Such A Grand Idea

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A few bad squirrels giving all squirrels a bad name.

Fargo, ND – What perhaps began as a grandiose idea has now ended up in the local landfill.

Fargo police surveillance cameras in the area of an outdoor grand piano were not quite quick enough to record all of the alleged destruction of the piano but did manage to capture an image of the possible suspect (see picture).

Dr. William Soozan is the Executive Director of The Downtown Public Piano Project.

Dr. Soozan says that even though some drunk squirrel is most likely the vandal who chewed up the publicly placed piano, this piano will soon be replaced by many more pianos all over the downtown Fargo area.

“We’re not going to give up the fight to provide free pianos for free people to play free music”, he said. “One or two bad squirrels can chew up our pianos but they certainly cannot chew up our dreams.”

In the future, each piano will be securely chained to some sort of stationary object such as a light pole or fire hydrant in order to prevent them from being dragged off and chewed to smithereens. Also, local weather forecasters will provide The Downtown Public Piano Project with early warnings of any possible rain, sleet, or snow, so that the tarp crews will have plenty of time to protect the pianos from damaging precipitation.

If you perchance recognize the squirrel shown in the above picture, please contact the Fargo Police immediately in order to help prevent future property damage to these publicly playable pianos.

Downtown Fargo To Have Permanent Alcohol Checkpoints

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policedog2pm1Fargo, ND – Downtown Fargo will soon be implementing a system of mandatory alcohol checkpoints to make it virtually impossible to leave the downtown area without getting sniffed by a police dog.

According to the new Police Downtown Checkpoint Task Force, there will literally be “no way” to exit the heart of the downtown Fargo area without ending up having your vehicle searched and your body probed.

Not only will the latest technology be used to hunt down drunk drivers, but keen police smell-dogs will be used to decide if you’re heading to jail.

Police officers have also been trained in special interrogation techniques effectively used by the FBI in its war against domestic terrorism.

“We realize this could really hurt the downtown bar businesses, but isn’t it worth it if we prevent just one accident?” said an anonymous police spokesperson.

City officials believe that this new initiative should also help with the POP program (Plenty Of Parking) because up until now, all agree that POP has been a miserable failure.

“By discouraging all those party people from coming downtown for a ‘good time’, we should have ample parking available for non-drinking decent citizens.”

Of course, there will be a few special groups of people that will be exempt from these on-going mandatory personal intrusions. All city commissioners, police, politicians, government employees, and catholic priests will not be subject to these new permanent checkpoints.

For all others, remember to avoid the downtown area from now on, if you want to have some fun and not end up doing time.