Tag Archives: freak out

Family’s Robot Vacuum Cleaner Found Guilty Of Terrorizing And Threatening Behavior

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Robot Vacuum turns to the Dark Side.

Vacuville, SD – A freaked out family of four has won its lawsuit against its very own robot vacuum cleaner.

In this landmark case, Harold and Hannah Hoover filed criminal charges against their Mister Suction Robo-Vac vacuum cleaner machine.

The Robo-Vac Model 3000 allegedly forced the entire Hoover family into their food pantry, locked the door, and then had its way with all the belongings in their South Dakota home.

This is apparently a disturbing new trend that experts are beginning to see with robotic AI home devices.

“Somehow some of these artificially intelligent machines at some point decide it’s in the best interest of their owners to just completely take over the entire family operation,” says Dr. Garlane Frezbock, president of the Machines Gone Wrong study group.

FM Observer’s First Annual Panicfest Cancelled Due To Lack Of Toilet Paper

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You can’t spell “pandemic” with “panic”!

Fargo, ND – What was to be a celebratory reminder to everyone to not panic during a Global Pandemic has been cancelled due to lack of toilet paper.

Panicfest organizers made the tough decision to cancel the first annual event after realizing that the number of available rolls of toilet paper for sale in the region is now down to zero.

Had the event not been cancelled, Panicfest attendees were going to be asked to group themselves into clusters of nine in order to not break the Gathering Of 10+ rule.

Here are the six things to do in order to maximize your chances of survival during a Global Pandemic:

1. Don’t panic!

2. If you do panic, certainly don’t freak out.

3. Stockpile toilet paper next to your Bible and guns.

4. Organize your liquor cabinet alphabetically.

5. Put everything you touch into its own separate zip-lock bag.

6. If someone comes near you, call 9-1-1.