Tag Archives: headlines

Criss Angel To Lead US Army’s New MINDFREAK Infantry

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Craig Angel

Craig Angel

Washington, DC – In the desolate, run-down wastelands of the Middle-East, countries are at war. People are blowing stuff up over there at an alarming rate. Blowing things up and blowing each other up and putting our soldiers at serious risk in the process.

That is why Chuck Hagel, Obama’s outgoing Secretary of Defense, has decided as last order of business to implement the power of Magic to the Army’s arsenal of tactics.

Hagel sees Magic as a weapon that our nation’s military can utilize to their benefit:

Chuck Hagel

Chuck Hagel

“We’ve got some of the more prolific magicians on the planet at our disposal here in these United States. Daniel Copperfield, Damien Blaine, Craig Angel. They all possess valuable powers that the military wants to apply to combat. These magicians were forcefully volunteered to contribute their expertise and we’ll have Craig Angel at the helm of our brand new Mindfreak Infantry Battalion.”

Hagel went on to add that the newly-implemented MINDFREAK infantry will contribute its “la-de-da whoop-de-doo Houdini shit” to battle. He also stated that soldiers will be “walkin’ on water and flyin’ without wings” before too long.

Criss Angel sounded excited for this new opportunity to showcase his magical abilities:

“I guess i’m going to teach soldiers how to levitate and do card tricks to pass the time? I don’t really know.”

Kudos to Criss Angel for lending his talents to the United States Military. Criss can hopefully teach soldiers how to steal enemy guns with their minds and maybe even stop bullets like Neo from the Matrix. That would be wicked.

National Football League: NFC NORTH PREVIEW

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VIKINGS – With training camp and the NFL preseason in full swing, the National Football League Vikings of Minnesota are looking poised for a breakout 2014 season. The Observer predicts that the Purple People Eaters will eek out a Wild Card playoff berth via contributions from (soon-to-be) starting QB Teddy Bridgewater, All-Day AP and emerging WR Cordarrelle Patterson. This would be a major improvement over 2013’s lackluster effort. Since Brett Favre (sadly) isn’t walking through that door ever again, we’ll have to settle for 9-7, meaning a 3rd place finish in the NFC North.

 

 

 

PACKERS – The Packers are still loaded even after completely re-working their defensive secondary. The green and gold will squash the Purple Pride of Minnesota twice this year and end up sweeping their division with help from the Discount Double-Check and players like Eddie Lacy and the best name in the league, HaHa Clinton-Dix. 12-4 will earn them 1st place in the North and a potential first-round playoff bye.

 

 

 

 

 

BEARS – Chicago being a tough-guy town and all, the Bears will contend for 2nd place in their division with help from Brandon Marshall’s caught gunslings via the Cutler rifle. Check out Brandon and Jay’s on-field chemistry, not to mention poor body language. Urlacher didn’t un-retire and the secondary is patchwork, so the defense will be suspect. However, 10-6 will land them a surefire Wild Card playoff berth and 2nd place in the NFC North.

 

 

LIONS – Ah, Detroit. If an entire city declaring bankruptcy is considered a bad omen, the Motor City Kitties will be cellar dwellers yet again this season. MEGATRON (Calvin Johnson) is a robot and the richest receiver in history, making him a double-threat that could snag up to 20 Matt Stafford TD throws. Will that be enough to keep the Lions competitive? I doubt it. Detroit will finish 5-11 this year—dead last in the Black & Blue Division.

Fun season upcoming for the National Football North division of the NFC. We couldn’t be more excited for on-the-field slaughter.

Upworthy

Upworthy Headlines That Never Made The Cut

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Upworthy

Upworthy is a website that uses click-bait titles to drive people to click their links. These are some headlines that didn’t make the cut.

George had a cyst on his balls. You won’t believe what happens next.
Sam got run over by a train. What he didn’t say will shock you.
Sarah didn’t like her boyfriend. What she did to his genitals will make you happy.
Jim crapped his pants. The next sequence of events will disturb you.
She killed her husband. What the deceased man said next is jaw dropping.
He was addicted to drugs until a smiling elephant with a hat and a bow tie changed his life.
What this baby produces in his underpants will scar you for life.
Man sticks head in alligator. You will not believe why someone told him not to.
Man dresses like woman. Acts like a woman. Is he a woman?
Jon was helping Jim with his wardrobe malfunction. He put what where?
This is the greatest video to ever exist so watch it.
Everyone has secrets. See what this Alien had to say.
This tampon commercial will blow your mind.

Minnesota Twins preview: Ron Gardenhire promises 2014 season

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RonFort Myers, FL – With Major League Baseball spring training officially underway in Fort Myers, media people went belly up to the podium for a little preseason insight from Minnesota Twins skipper Ron Gardenhire.

Gardy, candid as always, indicated that the squad probably won’t deviate from last year’s ways and that he expects another performance in 2014.

Taken from an amusing February 27th press conference:

Reporter 1: What are your expectations for this year’s squad, performance-wise?

Gardy: Performance wise…sounds like a tire model. Goodyear PerformanceWise (laughs). You know, we’ll play our butts off at Target but those long, arduous road trips really take a lot out of you. Our guys will suit up, hit balls, catch and throw ’em. That’s about the long and the short of it.

Reporter 2: Ron, how is (Joe) Mauer transitioning to his new full-time role at first base?

Gardy: Morneau is swinging a lead bat. Looks like he’s put on a little bit of weight, but I could be wrong. I think he’s waiting for the All-Star break.

Reporter 2: Excuse me, Morneau? Surely you meant to say Mauer…

Gardy: What? What did I say? Morneau, Mauer…um…ha ha. I guess we traded Morneau last year, so you’ll have to ask his new team that question. I’m Ron Gardenhire.

Reporter 3: Any news on the starting pitching rotation? How close are we to finding our ace?

Gardy: Our ace? Ah…. (long pause) you know what? We traded Spansy (Denard Span) for a triple-A guy a couple years back. Maybe him. Is Liriano still hurt? Pretty sure Pavano retired… uh…that’s a toughie. Better ask Rick (pitching coach Rick Anderson) that one.

Reporter 3: Has the acquisition of Phil Hughes significantly bolstered your starting rotation?

Gardy: Phil is a drinker, so he knows how to unwind after getting pummeled on the mound. He’ll be ok, unless he slips and falls on his bum-bum.

Reporter 4: Ron, has the team chosen a closing pitcher to come out of the bullpen?

Gardy: Nope.

Reporter 4: No?

Gardy: Nope. We got a ton of bullpen guys. We like to mix it up to throw the other team off. If one guy emerges as a decent closer, he’ll probably keep the job….but better ask Rick to be sure. 

Reporter 5: You’re about to achieve win # 1,000 this year. What does that mean to you?

Gardy: Is that right? Minnesota: Land of 1,000 wins, ha ha. Ah I dunno. It feels good to watch our guys play, and when you get a W out of it, feels even better as you lay down at night for sleepin’. Ok, one more question then I have to go get my noggin fitted for hats.

Reporter 6: Does your contract extension put the team’s 2014 performance under heavier scrutiny?

Gardy: Contracts are just paper. That’s all they are. Paper is made from trees grown in Africa somewhere and then the contract is printed on there. Probably gets scanned into a computer after I sign it, you know, so they don’t lose it. I don’t know much about computers, so…

Four Easy Steps To Self-Hypnotic Bliss

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Self-Hypnosis is the answer for millions of stressed out Americans.

San Diego, CA – Ever since the movie Office Space came out, relieving stress by using hypnosis has been gaining popularity.

In our iTech world, many find it impossible to escape the 24/7 demands of their jobs.

You can join millions in escaping endless stress and finding permanent tranquility through self-hypnosis by following these 4 easy steps:

1. Remove any restrictive clothing and find a comfortable chair. Stare at the center of this pinwheel for about 5 minutes. Breathe calmly and just let your mind relax.

2. As you gaze at this second pinwheel for about 5 minutes, imagine stepping down into a hot tub. Let the swirling bubbles begin to melt away all the crap you’ve been bitching about for the last week.

3. While staring at this third pinwheel, fully submerge yourself down into the hot tub. Let all sources of stress gradually drown in a toxic combination of chlorinated water and urine from the kids who just got out of the hot tub.

4. As you transcend to the very bottom of the hot tub, repeat to yourself: I am the boss of me. Nobody tells me what to do. Any disrespect will be met with swift revengeful counterforce. Tell yourself that you will remain in a permanent bubble of peace, while anyone who threatens to pop your bubble will be flattened like a pancake.

Walmart Polling Station Election 2012

Walmart to Stop Selling Soda

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walmart

Soda fans line up for one last pull

Birmingham, AL—In response to CVS’s announcement that they will discontinue the sale of tobacco products at its 7,600 locations across the USA, Walmart has proudly announced that they are pulling an incredibly harmful substance from their shelves as well. Walmart will stop selling soda, effective immediately.

Retail is and has always been a copycat industry. When one company makes a savvy maneuver, another company is sure to follow suit.

“Studies have proven that the sugars and other chemicals found in soda have been and continue to be very, very harmful to the body. That is why we’ve decided to pull it from our shelves.” said company C.E.O. Jonathan Walmart, in a statement made earlier today. “There’s still plenty of damn fine carbonated beverages available to our consumers, like Sparkling ICE and what not.”

When asked about the financial implications, Jonathan Walmart said simply “Make no mistake; we’ll take a financial hit from this, but it isn’t like we’re going to go out of business or anything. Probably just have to lower our employees’ wages even further in order to keep our prices where they are.”

The Observer sees this as not a health-conscious maneuver, but yet another shameful, backhanded swipe at employee compensation.

PepsiCo C.E.O. Alexander Pepsi could not be reached for comment.

City Waives Alcohol Compliance Fine Because Servers Weren’t Taught How to Use Calculators

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06.2.gifFargo, ND—After serving booze to a minor, Santa Lucia restaurant in south Fargo was hit with a fine as punishment for failing their random alcohol compliance check. The restaurant’s owner disputed the fine, saying that both servers who examined the ID of the patron were never taught how to use calculators during county-mandated server training class. Because if you can’t use a calculator, you can’t properly determine someone’s age.

The city of Fargo agrees. Today, city commission members voted to repeal the fine due to negligence on the part of server training staff.

“Failure to show these college-educated humans how to utilize an electronic device to make routine subtractions resulted in their inability to perform simple arithmetic in a real-life situation,” commission member Jonathan Noisewater stated. “It is obviously the responsibility of a simple government-mandated training seminar to properly educate service staff how to complete grade-school-level mathematical computations.”

Santa Lucia is set to resume incorrect mathematics as early as this week.

Super Bowl Pizzas Delivered By Drones

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Pizza delivery via drone

Domino, Texas – If you didn’t already want to order a pizza today for the Super Bowl, you might want to just for the experience of drone delivery.

All across the nation, Domino’s Pizzas will be delivered by their new Domicopters, which were recently tested in the UK. “People here bloody loved it!” said Max Tunage, a virtual nobody with whom we spoke.

As soon as your pizza is done cooking, you will be sent a text message informing you that your pizza is en route to your front door and will be there within seconds.

If you’re not standing outside to personally receive the delivery, your phone will ring indicating that your pizza has arrived and is sitting in the middle of the street.

Domino’s Pizza expects to deliver 110000000 pizzas on Super Bowl Sunday, and they honestly don’t know how many zeros are after the eleven. Call now to pre-order your drone delivery!

Doug’s Doggy Diner to Open In Fargo

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_44663815_dogs_getty_466Fargo, ND—Two things we know are true about man’s best friend: they love to eat and they love to act like people. Have you ever noticed how much fun Rover has riding in the car? Sleeping in your bed? Sitting on your furniture? Spot may not say it out loud, but he desperately wants to participate in all of your human activities—especially eating at the table.

That is just some of the motivation Doug Drangle used when launching his new pup eatery, Doug’s Doggy Diner:

“We set out to combine two of the things dogs enjoy: eating and acting like a person,” said Doug. “At Doug’s, dogs get to take in the human experience of dining among other animals of the same species in an intimate setting.”

Doug’s is working in conjunction with many of the top dog food manufacturers to provide your pup the food it loves, but with a twist.

Check out some of Doug’s exciting canine-themed menu items:

  • IAMS® A-La-Carte – $7.50. Straight-up IAMS®, served in 1 cup portions.
  • Bites of Kibble – $8.25. Kibbles & Bits®, served as an appetizer.
  • Beggin’ New York Strips – $14.75. A handful of Beggin’ Strips®, converted into a 3-ounce “steak”.
  • Blue Buffalo® Burger – $9.95. Blue Buffalo® all-natural dog food, mashed together into a burger patty.
Another satisfied customer!

Another satisfied customer!

Every menu item comes with a dead tree leaves side salad. Bowl of tap water is complimentary.

Doug’s Doggy Diner will renovate and move in to the former Taco Bell building on 10th Street and 1st Avenue North in Fargo. Doug can’t wait to start slingin’ grub for dogs:

“All dogs are welcome to come enjoy this exclusive dining experience. Our ever-expanding menu is sure to please pups of all sizes. Walk right in, sit right down, pee wherever. Get territorial! It’s OK. Our service staff will clean it up!”

Eat, drink, bark your head off and crap on the floor at Doug’s Doggy Diner!

Maui Parrot-Fish Learns To Speak Fluent Underwater English

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Hello. Will you be my friend? Pardon my fishy smell. Want to play with me?

Hello. Will you be my friend? Pardon my fishy smell. Want to play with me?

Maui, Hawaii – Everyone told him it couldn’t be done. No, you can’t train a parrot-fish to speak English, you silly boy! That’s when he wished that someday he could prove them all wrong.

Twelve year old Koka Pakalolo had always dreamed of having a fish that he could talk to, but all he ever heard was that it was just a pipe dream.

Growing up on Maui, Koka had swum with fish since he was baptized. He didn’t know that fish could not speak. Koka Pakalolo just assumed that everything could talk.

One day while snorkeling with his favorite parrot-fish, Koka’s wish came true. His dream became reality when the parrot-fish bubbled into his ear: “Hello! What’s your name?” Koka simply responded: “My name is Koka Pakalolo.”