Tag Archives: moorhead

Police Turkeys Helping Moorhead Police Solve Crimes

Leave a reply
Moorhead Police give thanks for Turkey Police assistance.

Moorhead’s Turkey Police leading a patrol car to solve a heretofore previously unsolved crime.

Moorhead, MN – If you see small groups of turkeys along the Red River in Moorhead, chances are the police will not be far behind.

Moorhead Police are now using domesticated, trained wild turkeys to solve many heretofore previously unsolved crimes.

Recently, Moorhead’s Turkey Police led patrol cars right to the front door of Mr. Marvin Shellhammer who had unknowingly vandalized some property while the Turkey Police Officers were watching him.

Officer Ray Dookins: “These turkeys are great for solving crimes because they have extremely strong mental focus almost like a sixth sense. And plus, it will be real nice to have them around for Thanksgiving.”

Send A Basket Of Deplorables From Hillary’s Flower Shoppe

Leave a reply
Send this basket of wonderfully deplorable flowers to someone you deplore.

Send this basket of wonderfully deplorable flowers to someone you deplore.

Moorhead, MN – A new business is finally opening in the former bustling city of Moorhead, Minisoda.

Hillary’s Flower Shoppe will soon be inaugurating its service to the public.

It will specialize in baskets of deplorable flowers which were rejected by other flower shoppes and which were considered to be irredeemable.

Yes, your basket of deplorables will most likely be made up of faded ugly dusty plastic flowers that were not made in America.

Recipients of your basket of deplorables will be taken aback at your thoughtfulness to send them such a nice deplorable basket of irredeemable plastic flower rejects.

To order your basket of deplorables over the phone, simply call 1-800-DEPLORE or email Hillary’s Flower Shoppe on her private email server which is securely stored in her closet.

Most People In FM Area Consider Themselves To Be Above Average

Leave a reply
Most of the people in Fargo and West Fargo are above average but not as many in Moorhead.

Most of the people in Fargo and West Fargo are above average but not so much in Moorhead.

West Fargo, ND – Our annual survey results are starting to be compiled and are showing that most of the people in the Fargo-Moorhead area consider themselves to be above average.

West Fargo tops the list where 84.7% of people surveyed strongly consider themselves to be above average which is up a bit even from last year.

The City of Fargo had about 78.4% of its people believing that they are above average which is about the same as previously discovered.

Moorhead, Dilworth, and Glyndon bottomed out the list as only 48.7% of their residents think of themselves as being above average.

We request that all neighborhood captains report your survey results within the next few weeks so that the official final numbers can be tallied and included in our year-end final reports.

Fotos By Fritz The Cat Opens In Moorhead

Leave a reply
Photography by Fritz The Cat

Photography by Fritz The Cat

Moorhead, MN – A new business is finally coming to the quirky town of Moorhead.

Fotos by Fritz the Cat will be opening its doors this week at the sight of the old Ralph’s bar on Main Avenue, just across the river in downtown Moorhead.

Frankly, Fritz admits to being an illegal alien cat who snuck into town via Lutheran Social Services.

Fritz began taking pictures when still just a small kitten back in his home province of Catmandu, in the mountainous country of Nipel, after being given a camera by the Dolly Llama.

Now, Fritz the Cat would like to serve the off-beat town of Moorhead with his photography skills.

His specialties are weddings, funerals, family pictures, graduations, mugshots, retirements, births, bar mitzvahs, accidents, and circumcisions.

To schedule a shooting, Fritz recommends contacting his wife, Miss Kitty.

If you mention the FM Observer, you will receive a 50% discount off of the normally inflated price due to Obamacare.

32 Pound Squirrel Attacks Family Picnickers In Moorhead

Leave a reply
caption here

Large squirrels like these float into FM area on inverted plastic garbage can lids.

Moorhead, MN – A nice family out having a normal picnic in a well-known Moorhead park was negatively amazed when a 32-pound squirrel performed a hostile takeover of all their food.

An NDSU squirrelologist says: “Yes, we have been noticing a recent trend for the larger squirrels to float down the river into the Fargo-Moorhead area on inverted plastic garbage can lids. Once here, they seem to set up shop near a popular park, where they occasionally rob family picnics, as if they’re their personal convenience stores.”

Comments from the traumatized family:

Father: “I felt so violated and so utterly helpless while we’all just sat and watched this 32-pound squirrel rob us of all our foodstuffs.”

Mother: “The last time I was this scared was when I somehow got locked in a gas station bathroom in New Jersey!”

Tween: “That was one bad-ass squirrel! Because of this experience, I would someday like to become a squirrelologist.”

Tot: “Waah! Me want my cookies back!” :o(

Moorhead Man Lands Record Large-Mouth Bass From Long Lake

Leave a reply
Long Lake is one of the best fishing lakes in Minnesota.

Long Lake is one of the best fishing lakes in Minnesota.

Long Lake, MN – During the opening of fishing season, Humbert Galasso landed what appears to be the largest large-mouth bass ever caught in Minnesota.

Mr. Galasso had just begun fishing on one of 121 different lakes in Minnesota called “Long Lake”.

After hooking a small perch, Humbert was reeling it in when a good-sized, hungry northern bit onto the line trying to eat the perch for breakfast.

What happened next will stay with Humbert Galasso forever.

He could suddenly see a giant open mouth coming up from the bottom of the lake.

What turns out to be a record-setting 358-pound large mouth bass was now caught on Humbert’s hook.

Being an experienced fisherman, it only took about two hours to get the monster fish securely into the boat.

Needless to say, everyone in Humbert Galasso’s neighborhood is invited over next Friday for a very large fish fry. Please bring your own bier.

Ironically, all the letters in “Humbert Galasso” can be rearranged to spell: Large Mouth Bass!

35-Foot Snake Possibly On The Loose In Moorhead

Leave a reply
caption hier

A reward of free snakeskin boots will be given to the person who captures this extremely large snake which answers to the name “Slang”.

Moorhead, MN – Authorities not wanting to cause any sort of panic in the normally quaint city of Moorhead are quietly warning residents that a very large snake is unfortunately slithering around town.

The snake, whose name is Slang, somehow got loose while a local film crew was working on a new movie called Snake On The Plains.

While the movie-makers were having an extended smoke break to discuss the Carson Wentz situation, the unattended 35-foot armless reptile wandered off in the direction of Concordia College.

Dr. Thiv Simpkins is an expert Herpetologist: “This unusually large snake should pose no threat to the general public as long as it’s not hungry. Do you know what I’m saying?”

If you happen to come across Slang in your backyard or perhaps down in your basement, please remember that even though Slang is a movie star, it is still a 35-foot snake who maybe hasn’t eaten in a few days.

Plans For New Clay County Jail Looking Quite Penal

Leave a reply
Inside the new jail

This is the architect’s illustration of the proposed new Clay County Jail, which is to be one of the most punitive in the country.

Moorhead, MN – With the current jail having been built in the 1890s, Clay County Commissioners were excited to finally see plans for their new jail.

Even though it will be a brand-new, state-of-the-art facility, architect Archie Cutter used some old, famous, draconian prisons from around the world as his inspiration for Clay County’s new jailhouse.

It is designed to comfortably hold 300 inmates, so once it gets up to 900, new additional “pods” can easily be added with a crane.

For the warden and correctional officers, an executive suite will provide a hot tub, steam room, sauna, and game room where they can relax and play pinochle.

As a reward for good behavior, the inmate population can earn special privileges such as access to library books and being allowed to participate in the weekly square dancing.

Moorhead Finally Changing Its Name To East Fargo

Leave a reply
Moorhead excited to finally be changing its name to East Fargo!

Moorhead, MN excited to finally be changing its name to East Fargo, ND!

Moorhead, MN – Residents and city leaders in the quirky town of Moorhead, Minisoda are just giddy with the idea they will soon be called East Fargo.

“It’s been a long time coming and I’m so glad to still be alive to see it finally happen” says Dr. Nerv Bulstad, Cartographer Emeritus for American Map Corp.

Moorhead’s city leaders admit that this name change makes sense in so many ways:

Fargo has its West Fargo, North Fargo, and South Fargo but has long been lacking the final missing puzzle piece: East Fargo! Now, anyone who’s a symmetry freak can have the balance they’ve been seeking.

Also, Moorhead has long been living in Fargo’s shadow and can no longer compete with F-Town. As one long-time Moorhead resident who wished to remain anonymous (Mrs. Agnes Vurvbock) put it: “Well, if we can’t beat ’em, let’s join ’em, dammit!”

Rumor has it that there are even some back-room discussions underway to divert the Red River to the East, around East Fargo, so that the newly named Fargo suburb can actually be in North Dakota, like it should be.

Moorhead Imposes Harsh New Penalties For All Non-Recyclers

Leave a reply
Moorhead's new penalties for not recycling the most draconian in the nation.

Moorhead’s new penalties for not recycling are the most draconian in the nation.

Moorhead, MN – Effective immediately, the City of Moorhead will now be enforcing stringent new penalties for any and all households that do not recycle.

Moorhead’s Recycling Czar Marv Hammerstone: “Some folks might not like how strict these new penalties are but we don’t like non-recyclers.”

For a 1st violation, the penalty will be: One week at a recycling work camp, one day on the e-Wall of Shame, a fine of $100, and one Hail Mary.

For a 2nd violation, the penalty will be: Two weeks at a recycling work camp, two days on the e-Wall of Shame, a fine of $200, and two Hail Marys. And so on and so forth.

How will the City of Moorhead know if someone is not recycling?

Czar Hammerstone says: “Oh, we will know! Don’t you worry about that, mmkay? We will use every sneaky possible way we can think of to determine if you’re a non-recycler and then impose swift and hard punishments accordingly.”