Tag Archives: secret

President Trump Made A ‘Kid Pro Quo’ Deal With Ukraine For A Children Exchange Program

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Presidents Trump and Zelensky making a deal to secretly exchange children between their two countries.

Kyiv, Ukraine – In a stunning new development which is further fueling the inexorable impeachment inquiry, whistle blowers are blowing their whistles over a Kid Pro Quo deal that President Trump secretly made with Lord Voldemort Zelensky of Ukraine.

Apparently the deal included secret plans for the United States to set up a children exchange program with Ukraine.

It is not clear at this juncture whether or not any children have already been exchanged between the two countries.

Democrats believe that if this Kid Pro Quo is proven to be true during their live televised hearings, then they should have enough support and momentum to impeach President Donald Trump prior to the upcoming 2020 elections.

In the meantime, if you are a child who was exchanged between the United States and Ukraine, please call the Kid Pro Quo hotline to talk with a highly trained federal counselor who will secretly walk you through your options.

Secret Santa Drops In Early At Many Local Businesses

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Don’t be surprised if Secret Santa drops in at your place of work before Christmas!

Fargo, ND – Secret Santa has recently been making the rounds at many local Fargo businesses.

For any employees who choose to participate in their Secret Santa program, it’s a chance to find out what are some of the hot items for Christmas this year.

Your FM Observer has conveniently compiled a list for you of this year’s top items that people are receiving from Secret Santa:

◘ Anything Trump
◘ Butterscotch Pudding
◘ A small box of Heath Bars
◘ Small plastic Elephants
◘ A can of Mackerel
◘ Any signed book by Deepak Chopra
◘ A box of dried Kasoori Methi leaves
◘ Barbie Bubblegum-flavored mouthwash
◘ A box of traditional Cracker Jack (includes prize!)
◘ A box of marsh-mellow Moon Pies
◘ A small bottle of Johnny’s French Dip Au Jus
◘ A Jesus candle (from the Mexican section at Cashwise)
◘ Flavored Pocky Biscuit Sticks (by Glico)
◘ A box of Prawn Crackers

Top Ten Reasons Why The City Of Moorhead Secretly Changed Its Voting Locations

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Good luck trying to find where to vote if you live in Moorhead!

Moorhead, MN – Without letting anyone know, Moorhead city leaders decided to change many of their polling locations.

Many Moorheadians are now wondering why their silly little town would change many of its polling locations without notifying its citizenry.

If you’re looking for reasons, here are some good ones that would explain the odd behavior of the City Council Leaders in this quirky small Minisoda village.

Top 10 Reasons Moorhead Changed Where To Vote:

10. Didn’t think college kids are old enough to vote.

9. Got some bad advice from the Secretary of State.

8. Wanted to keep polling locations a secret.

7. Thought a lawsuit would spice things up.

6. Felt like playing a joke on their city.

5. Thought that no one would really care.

4. They totally deny that they did it.

3. Wanted to give voters a challenge.

2. Simply a power trip gone bad.

1. Because they felt like it.

0. It was time for a change.

-1. Just for the fun of it.

-2. Hey, it’s no big deal!

Russians Hack Krispy Kreme’s Secret Recipe

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The Russians might use this recipe to make spare tires for their military trucks.

Moscow, Pennsylvania – With no evidence to back it up, President Trump is alleging that the Russians have hacked Krispy Kreme Doughnuts and stolen their secret recipe.

FM Observer: So, what do you think about the Russians supposedly hacking Krispy Kreme’s secret doughnut recipe?

President Trump: I think it’s a bad deal, a very bad deal, which must be investigated.

Krispy Kreme Founder Vernon Rudolph: Impeccable presentation is critical wherever Krispy Kreme is sold. We must produce a collaborative team effort and never get hacked.

Krispy Kreme CEO Michael Tattersfield: Since 1937, we have striven and strived to be the worldwide leader in sharing delicious tastes and creating joyful memories.

Gov. Chris Christie: I am quite panicked right now! If I donut have my six Krispy Kreme Doughnuts every day I might have to close down a major highway while I have a major panic attack.

President Putin: This whole thing is just a big hoax. However, if we did hack the Krispy Kreme Doughnut secret recipe, we could use it to make spare tires for our military jeeps.

US Military Top-Secret Balloon Dog On The Loose

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Runaway dog answers to the name Schnitzel.

Harrisburg, PA – A very large runaway military doggy balloon was recently seen in the skies around Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.

The giant brownish wiener dog-shaped balloon is reportedly for a special military mission to “smell out” trouble.

It’s radar technology is as sensitive as it is expensive (over $200,000,000).

Unfortunately, this top-secret balloon dog somehow broke free from its leash and decided to go looking for some friends or perhaps a very large fire hydrant.

If you happen to see this 200 foot dog-shaped balloon (who answers to the name Schnitzel), please call your local Dog Catcher for immediate assistance.

Area Man Hiding Secret Phil Collins Obsession

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Fargo, ND—A friend of yours really likes Phil Collins but doesn’t want you to know, the Observer has learned. Recently, an area man looked left, looked right, then back over his shoulder as he discreetly plucked his latest purchase of Phil Collins memorabilia from his mailbox. He then scurried inside, delighted.

On the surface there isn’t a trace of evidence of area man’s obsession with the former Genesis frontman. No posters on his apartment walls, no songs on his iPod nor are there any albums in his CD collection. This isn’t because the evidence doesn’t exist—it’s because he is trying very hard to hide it from you.

Area man has made this statement in response to allegations that he was spotted wearing a white Genesis T underneath his work shirt:

“That’s not a band t-shirt,” he abruptly stated as he buttoned the top button. “I don’t own any music by Phil Collins or who did you say…Genesis? Never heard of them. But, seriously…the only famous Phil I know is Dr. Phil–that guy from TV.”

Locals believe that just the other day they witnessed area man in his car performing air drums while the hit song “In the Air Tonight” was blaring loudly at a stop light.

Our sources can indeed confirm that area man is, in fact, infatuated with Phil Collins and will do anything and everything in his power to hide it from you.

Weirdos Believe Secret Underground Community Exists Beneath Hollywood Hills

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What Lies Beneath? (rated R)

What Lies Beneath? (rated R)

Hollywood, CA—Several mentally-troubled outsiders believe there exists a secret underground celebrity community beneath the rolling hills of Hollywood, California. Locals are skeptical, but crazies are convinced that there’s stuff going on underneath the Earth, beneath the HOLLYWOOD sign.

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Zion

Conspiracy theorists have presented non-factual evidence of secret activities occurring beneath the Hills. “25 million people living in LA and absolutely nothing going on beneath the Earth’s crust? I don’t think so, Tim,” proclaimed veteran conspiracy theorist Kenneth Noisewater. “Look beneath the Hills, not with your eyes, but with your instincts…you will see an enchanted, subterranean village full of Beautiful People. Backstage at the Hollywood Bowl is one entrance. Jack Nicholson’s backyard, there is another.”

Nobody truly knows what’s going on under there, but weirdos are convinced that it’s absolutely not nothing. Geologists, on the other hand, refute these claims with scientific evidence that if such an underground community did exist, it wouldn’t for long because the weight of the Earth above would collapse it into itself like an incredibly massive sinkhole.