Tag Archives: test

The New Measure Of Health Is Pounds Per Vertical Foot

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Calculate your pounds per vertical foot and then share that information with your friends and family.

Footville, Wisconsin – Experts have come up with a new and easy way to determine one’s general overall health.

Pounds per vertical foot is the new way to measure and judge how near or far a person is from the ideal bodily proportions.

To calculate it, simply take your total weight in pounds and divide that by how many feet tall you are.

For example, for a person weighing 200 pounds and standing 5 feet 10 inches tall, you would divide 200 by 5.83 = 34.3 pounds per vertical foot.

It turns out that 34.3 is just about ideal when it comes to pounds per vertical foot.

Ironically, as I write this, that happens to be exactly my pounds per vertical foot, which makes me feel like I am on track toward being on board the train of healthy living.

What is your pounds per vertical foot? Ask others what theirs is. Share yours with others in the break room. Post yours proudly in your cubicle at work. Help others calculate theirs after gathering their height and weight. It is fun and easy, and the new healthy thing to do!

New Test For Dementia Is Highly Conclusive

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If you see any movement in this image, you probably have some stage of dementia.

Crazy Horse, SD – There is now a new and very simple test for determining pre-dementia as well as full-blown dementia.

This test which was scientifically developed by the Dementia Interrogative Program (DIP) is highly conclusive for indicating if someone such as yourself may be leaning toward dementia.

How it works: When looking directly at this black and white image, if you are seeing any movement within the inner circle, this indicates pre-dementia.

If you see movement throughout the entire image, you most likely are already suffering from full-blown (and previously undiagnosed) dementia.

After taking this simple test, if you would like to privately discuss the results of your test with a trained professional, please call any phone number and ask to speak directly with Dr. Willy Nilly (and mention promo code “FMO” for a free My Pillow!).

What To Do After Receiving A Presidential Alert Message

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Put your gas mask on first, and then assist those around you with theirs.

Yourtown, America – If you’re wondering what to do immediately after receiving a Presidential Alert on your smartphone from the National Wireless Emergency Alert System, simply follow these simple steps which were prepared by FEMA:

Do not panic!

Locate your Presidential Alert gas mask.

Quickly put on your Presidential Alert gas mask according to the 8-page FEMA instruction pamphlet.

If you don’t have a gas mask, either borrow one from someone who does, or jimmy-rig one out of a clean dish towel.

Assist others around you to put on their Presidential Alert gas masks.

If outdoors, get inside a sturdy building as quickly as possible.

Go to the lowest area of a building, preferably one without any windows or doors.

Lay down on the floor in the fetal position while monitoring your smartphone.

If possible, pull any available blankets or tables over you for additional protection.

Remain calm and in place for 30-45 minutes while breathing normally.

Then, if all is well, resume normal activities.

Volunteers Needed To Test New Bullet-Proof Jackets

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If you volunteer to test a jacket, and everything “goes well”, you get to keep the jacket for free!

West Fargo, ND – Security Test Labs is seeking more volunteers to help test out some new bullet proof jackets poised to soon hit the market.

Volunteers will be compensated for their time and trouble but must first sign a disclaimer form prior to any testing sessions.

The disclaimer states that Security Test Labs is not responsible for any testing sessions that do not go well.

Now to the exciting part!

Here are the guns that will be used to test these new bullet-proof jackets:

The Sig Spartan Molon Labe 1911, the Ruger Blackhawk and Redhawk, the Glock 22, the Colt Python, and the Kimber Warrior.

As the picture caption indicates, anyone who wears a test jacket and survives being shot at by each of the aforementioned six guns, will be invited to keep the jacket at no cost to you. Consider it a gift from Security Test Labs.

Successful volunteers will also receive a free gift basket which includes: a free $100 gift card to IHOP, a free lifetime subscription to Guns & Ammo magazine, and of course, a free bottle of Xanax.

Zika Test Now Available

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Thankfully, a new Zika Test is now available to help fight against the Zika Virus Disease.

Bismarck, ND – A new Zika Test is now available. Most of the test results so far have been quite negative. State epidemiologists are hoping for more positive results in the future. In cooperation with the FM Observer, Dr. Carola Runquist has put together this simple, new Zika Test which can be self-administered in the privacy of your own home.

Zika Test

1. What is Zika?
A: A new dance craze from Brazil.
B: Ford’s new hybrid car.
C: A popular dog name.
D: Something that is very, very bad.

2. How did Zika get the name Zika?
A: From King Zika, inventor of the hammock.
B: During a scramble game in Florida.
C: From the phrase: Zika solution to the problem.
D: Name of a forest in Uganda.

3. What does Zika stand for?
A: Zoom In, Kick Ass
B: Zombies Imbibe Kool Aid
C: Zambian International Knife Association
D: Zika Invasion Killing America

4. When/How was Zika first discovered?
A: During the 1951 filming of ‘African Queen’.
B: When Columbus discovered America.
C: By accident at 3M’s Post-it Division.
D: By a captive sentinel rhesus monkey in 1947.

5. What does Zika cause?
A: Microcephaly.
B: Adult paralysis.
C: Societal panic.
D: All of the above.

6. How is Zika carried/transmitted?
A: Through the U.S. Postal Service.
B: Over talk-show radio waves.
C: By Amazon delivery drones.
D: By amazon mosquitos.

7. Where does Zika occur?
A: At pinochle tables in retirement homes.
B: In co-ed dorms of state universities.
C: Deep within the Earth where fracking occurs.
D: At mosquito-infested tropical resorts.

8. How do people catch Zika?
A: By sneaking up on it with a large butterfly net.
B: With a glove while sitting in the foul ball section.
C: By using high-speed cameras while sitting in trees.
D: Bitten by mosquitos that also carry chikungunya.

9.What are the symptoms of Zika?
A: Weight gain after joining Weight Watchers with Oprah.
B: Violent shaking followed by periods of extreme agitation.
C: Dryness of humor along with wetness of socks.
D: Pyrexia, arthralgia, conjunctivitis, and lethargy.

10. How is Zika treated?
A: With as much respect as possible.
B: As if human survival depends on it.
C: Suggested daily trips to the Dairy Queen.
D: With pain meds, rest, and drinking plenty o’ water.

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The answers to all twelve questions is shown on this stone obelisk.

11. What can I do to protect myself?
A: Wear a hazmat suit at all times.
B: Sign up for LifeLock Ultimate Plus.
C: Watch Dr. Oz Show every day.
D: Prevent getting bitten by mosquitos.

12. Should I avoid travelling to Zika areas?
A: Concentrate and ask again.
B: Better not tell you now.
C: Reply hazy, try again.
D: Signs point to Yes.

Military Raising The Bar On Combat Readiness Test

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Pull-ups now considered to be cruel and unusual.

Columbia, SC – At Fort Michael Jackson, where most of the army recruits go for basic training, the Military is changing its testing to see who “makes it” and who goes home.

Gone are the days of push-ups, pull-ups, and a two-mile fun run.

The Army no longer wants to test fitness but rather combat readiness.

The FM Observer has learned of some of the new tests that hopeful recruits will have to withstand.

The Military’s New Combat Readiness Test:

1. How many times can you get up off your couch and run to the kitchen for a beer (and drink it) in five minutes?
2. Can you lift and carry a full box of Twinkies without opening it and eating any?
3. How quickly can you walk through an obstacle course while txting an encrypted message on your iPhone?
4. Can you find five randomly selected items on the Internet using Google search?
5. How long does it take you to fall asleep and then wake up and perfectly make your bed?
6. Can you cook and then eat an edible omelette using some randomly chosen ingredients?
7. After some shots of tequila, can you legibly sign your name and then properly parallel park a Hummer?
8. How long does it take you to find North after being blindfolded and spun around?
9. Can you remember and repeat back a list of ten items which might be found in a hardware store?
10. How long can you hold your breath while they drive by to spray for the Zika Virus?