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Horoscopes For The Week Of September 25, 2016

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Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
It will be difficult to verbalize what you’re feeling later this week, especially tied to that chair with duct tape over your mouth.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
Against their better judgement, the stars have decided to just sit back, grab some popcorn, and watch your Bedroom Beehive idea claim its rightful place in the annals of natural selection.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
The rise of Venus suggests that you will soon cross paths with a forgotten love, so keep your eyes peeled for the familiar sparkle of that Strawberry Hill Boone’s Farm bottle.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
An inexplicable crop circle will leave you with a lot of questions. Fortunately, a Scientology recruiter on a riding mower will have all the answers.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
Being a Leo has never seemed particularly advantageous, but when you accidentally stumble into that DiCaprioLand wormhole on Tuesday, the true benefits will be rather amazing.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
Sorry, kiddo. You got the gift, but it looks like you’re waiting for something. Hey, what the? Dang it! Somebody call security and tell them the Oracle snuck in here again…

Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
A whimsical mood will overtake you later this week. Oops, instead of “whimsical mood” the stars meant to say “giant cloud of locusts”.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
Squirreling away some extra money would be wise this week, although with your facial features, chipmunking it away might come more naturally.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
Your curious nature will lead to a terrible discovery when you realize too late that zoo officials are seriously done rescuing stupid people from the Polar Bear exhibit.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
The stars calculate that, in dog years, your maturity level finally makes mathematical sense.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
On your commute home tonight, take time to appreciate your favorite song, because starting tomorrow you won’t be able to listen to it without reliving the trauma of “the kitten crossing incident”.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
The shifting sands of time will trigger a powerful change in your life, specifically when your house gets swallowed up by that sinkhole on Thursday.

Past horoscopes

Horoscopes For The Week Of May 8, 2016

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Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
Careful planning and attention to detail will be important as you undertake a new challenge, because mastering that “Crushed Glass and Arsenic Brownies” recipe is going to be a little tricky.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
A surprise visit from your half-brother will yield some confusing information later this week, mostly because you’re unaware that your dad has a second family in upstate New York and you have a half-brother named Karl.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
The stars are currently unavailable as they are partying like it’s 1999 to celebrate the arrival of their all-time favorite Gemini, Prince Rogers Nelson. Auto Reply: In this life, things are much harder than the afterworld. In this life, you’re on your own.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
Things should really start looking up this week. Correction: You should really start looking up this week. In your selfies.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
The presence of Mars in your Sun house suggests that brighter days are ahead, which will be followed by even brighter days, then blindingly bright days, and finally, the apocalypse.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
Last week, the stars agreed that taking that long-overdue vacation could be just what you need this month, Virgo. However, your idea to book your stay at The Stumble On Inn is making them reconsider their position.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
Your lucky numbers this week are 0101010101. Yeah, if you’re Bill Gates! Psych!

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
A heart-to-heart talk with a trusted friend could help you see things more clearly, although your extreme paranoia will, once again, completely derail that possibility.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
Your outgoing personality will help you land a lucrative server position at Red Lobster this week. However, you will find that yelling “You Can’t Handle The Booth!” at customers won’t go over any better there than it did at Applebee’s.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
The world is your oyster, Capricorn! Also, that oyster is in the path of a very large oil tanker whose captain is about halfway through a fifth of Jim Beam.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
Your lifelong practice of repressing your emotions will prove to be both a blessing and a curse this week, minus the blessing part.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
The stars want to remind you that all things happen for a reason, although to be fair, the reason you’re about to have the most bizarre and disturbing week of your life has more to do with the Universe being just plain bored than anything else.

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Horoscopes For The Week Of April 8, 2016

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Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
An incriminating secret from your past will bubble to the surface, forcing you to admit that using Alka Seltzer tablets to weigh down that body in the river was definitely your second biggest mistake last weekend.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
Communication will be imperative to your survival this week. Specifically, the ability to communicate with wolves, vampires, and the undead.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
A new moon in Aries suggests that, if your Grandpa were here, he’d probably say, “Whadda they need a new moon for? Well, that’s just horseshit manufacturing. Goddamn cut-rate galaxies, they sure don’t make moons like they used to.”

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
The hiring of a new employee will lighten your workload considerably, especially when he helps you move all your personal possessions out of his new office.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
The presence of Venus signifies that affairs of the heart will take center stage this week. Unfortunately, the affairs of your liver, pancreas and gall bladder are poised to steal the spotlight in a rather traumatic way.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
You will encounter an unexpected fork in the road next weekend, but what will be of much greater concern is that Satan is holding it.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
As the sun aligns with Jupiter, your creative side heats up this week, which should make it slightly less painful when your right brain spontaneously combusts on Thursday.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
Your wandering eye will once again lead you on a wild chase this weekend, so it’s probably time to consider buying it one of those retratctable leashes and start teaching it some basic commands.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
While all Saggitarius…er, Saggitariuses, um, Saggitarisuses…Oh good grief. Alexa, what the hell do you call more than one Saggitarius?

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
Good old trial and error will lead to the surprising discovery that Pinot Grigio, in your opinion, pairs best with divorce papers.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
The stars hate to burst your bubble, Aquarius, but your dream of becoming filthy rich will be dashed this week when you realize that you’re not really invested in a super cool Fonzie scheme after all.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
As Mercury comes into view, your logical side will take over on Monday. Although, the fact that you’ll have been in detox for 24 hours by then may have more to do with it. The stars can only speculate.

Past horoscopes

Horoscopes For The Week Of March 27, 2016

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Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
An exciting new relationship begins to take shape this week, and even with your diminished lung capacity you should have that doll fully blown up by Thursday at the latest.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
The rise of Saturn will give you the power to tackle an unresolved emotional issue this week. Translation: No one can force you to bite the heads off those yellow marshmallow Peeps this Easter. You’re an adult. Breathe, Taurus, breathe.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
A Pleiadian, an Arcturian and a priest walk into a bar…**session timeout** Um, it seems the stars have hit the moonshine a wee bit early today. The Universe sends its apologies.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
The arrival of Spring will foster a renewed hope for the future, which should last a few blissful days before the present stomps it out again with Godzilla force on Wednesday.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
The stars advise that if at first you don’t succeed, try try again. But then you should probably stop trying, because eating two 72 oz. Porterhouses in 30 minutes is already pushing the limits of the human intestinal system.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
Your love life will get an interesting jolt this week when you accidentally leave that taser under your pillow.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
Your leadership skills will be put to the test next weekend when panic grows within the group. Fortunately, your booming voice and ability to follow arrows will get you all out of IKEA safely.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
As Mars descends, you may begin to feel an ominous presence in your life. Oops, instead of “Mars” the stars meant to say “that rapidly deflating Goodyear blimp above your house”.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
Your lucky numbers this week are Luke 24:2-3. Wait, those are Jesus’ lucky numbers, and this is a really old horoscope.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
As Capricorn’s planetary energy surges this week, a feeling of restlessness will take hold. Well, not so much restlessness as agitation. Let’s call it intense irritation. Okay, look, it’s going to be rage. Unadulterated rage. Hold on tight.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
The stars are reminding you that all good things must come to an end. As such, you will come to the unfortunate realization that naming your new kitten Mr. Goodthing was probably not one of your best ideas.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
Although it may seem like your social circle has been shrinking lately, take heart: a busload of fresh inmates is scheduled to arrive on Tuesday. So hey, chin up, buckaroo.

Past horoscopes

Horoscopes For The Week Of March 13, 2016

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Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
An interesting series of events will take your personal life to a new level this week. Unfortunately, you will learn that counselors refer to it as “rock bottom”.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
The strong pull of Venus suggests that the tables are about to turn in a most unexpected way, as are the chairs, the sofa, and everything else that isn’t bolted down.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
This week will be full of distractions, so stay focused on the task at hand. It will be well worth it when you finally become Whack-A-Mole champ and take home that awesome Chuck E. Cheese t-shirt.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
You will meet that special someone you’ve been searching for at Tuesday’s Mime Convention, but alas, although he is a master of invisible ropes, he just cannot figure out how to get out of that invisible box.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
An adjustment to your planetary alignment indicates that Jupiter must be back at Many Moons Chiropractic for those nagging lumbar issues.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
The stars advise that the answers to your questions this week are: 1.)No, that is not a good idea, and 2.)Because you’re not Tyler Derden.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
Your week may become stressful as you will have a lot on your plate, but take heart: it’s mostly comfort food, which is pretty much your go-to stress reliever.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
You will finally discover the key to happiness, although ripping it out of that leprauchan’s tiny hands will be trickier than you think. Oh, and also, you’re getting low on “magic” brownies.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
You’ll want to exercise restraint this week when dealing with a coworker, so make sure you keep that handcuff key nearby at all times.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
If it feels as though your life has become one excrutiating, redundant narrative pandering to the lowest common denominators in our society, the stars suggest that the easiest solution to your plight is simply turning off CNN.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
Your lucky numbers this week are “I Could Have Danced All Night” and “Broadway Baby”. Trust the stars, when midnight rolls around at Fabulous Gary’s Cocktail Lounge on Saturday night, you’ll understand.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
A trip to the dog park will prove what your friends have been telling you for days: There’s a very good reason that bacon necklaces aren’t a thing.

Past horoscopes

Horoscopes For The Week Of February 26, 2016

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Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
The stars acknowledge that you’re seeing some real benefits from taking Yoga classes, though the truth is, it’s actually your moral flexibility that concerns them the most.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
As Mars dips in its orbit, it’s time to address the universe’s larger problems of failing time-space infrastructure, intergalactic corruption, rampant wormholes, and the greedy top 1% of Planetary Elites! Paid for by friends of Bernie Sanders.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
You will feel the weight of the world on your shoulders this week, which indicates that it may be time to address some of the inherent flaws in your “Piggy-Back Uber” business model.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
You’ll have plenty of time to ponder how anyone ever killed two birds with one stone while that therapist works on your dislocated shoulder later this week.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
The stars are warning you that practical jokes involving horseradish never, ever end in laughter.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
Although you will succumb to a dangerous temptation, things will be fine after Gollum bites that ring off your finger and falls to a fiery death in the lava of Mount Doom. Whew, you had the stars pretty nervous for a minute there, Virgo!

Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
You can take comfort in the idea that most people you know would choose you to join them on a desert island. Although it’s mostly because your soft, pasty skin would make perfect fish bait.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
While aging can be a difficult part of life, the stars predict that your unbelievable clumsiness will spare you at least that one particular difficulty.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
Your lucky numbers this week are B5, N33, and G8. **Alert** It appears that the Dark Moon Daubers have hacked your horoscope reading for the week of 2/26/16. Please disregard, and avoid bingo palaces until further notice.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
The color red is looming very large in your Galactic Karma Center. Yeah, sorry, there’s just blood everywhere, friend. No way around it.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then you’ve clearly got a much bigger water problem in your basement than you previously thought.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
While burning the candle at both ends has been fun, you’re about to realize why most people don’t buy their candles at Darryl’s Load ‘Em & Light ‘Em Warehouse.

Past horoscopes

Horoscopes For The Week Of February 4, 2016

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Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
Take time to really enjoy the first half of your Superbowl party this weekend. It will become a cherished memory of how good your life was before “The Buffalo Wing Catastrophe” changed everything.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
Solar flares in your Eastern Hemisphere suggest that the Sun is, once again **sigh**, determined to be a total douche this week.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
The appearance of Mercury and Saturn will dramatically alter the direction of your life, as will the appearance of Nissan, Chevrolet and unfortunately, Peterbilt.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
Try to remain open-minded this week when a friend suggests doing something outside your comfort zone. It’ll be quite liberating for those few minutes before you realize your friend is off his meds again.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
Your love life heats up this week, and continues to trend that way for the foreseeable future. Oops, the stars are clarifying that instead of “your love life” they meant to say “Antarctica”.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
Luck will be on your side in real estate this week, especially when you buy up all those undervalued Railroads and build that swanky hotel on Park Place. Nice work, Top Hat.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
The presence of Neptune in your third house indicates that, although it may seem rude, you probably need to excuse yourself and get to the surface for some air.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
When the Denver Broncos and the Carolina Panthers face off in Sunday’s Superbowl, the stars predict that somehow, some way, the game will end with the Green Bay Packers winning on a Hail Mary play.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
While the saying goes that “there is more than one way to skin a cat”, the universe strongly advises that you discontinue your endeavor to learn them all.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
This week is poised to teach you the difficult and painful lesson that although ignorance is bliss, it is also way, waaaaay stupid.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
A slip of the tongue will leave you in a vulnerable position, and you’ll be stuck wondering what kind of sadist would hang a lollipop so close to a frozen metal pole.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
When booking a flight this week, you’d be wise to inquire if the airline charges additional fees for emotional baggage. Because whoa, Pisces, that could get hella spendy.

Past horoscopes

Horoscopes For The Week Of January 24, 2016

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Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
Practicing your listening skills with coworkers could lead to some surprising insights, especially once you get those phone taps up and running.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
The rise of Jupiter in your third moon indicates that 1.) You have 2 too many moons, and 2.) Your massively overinflated ego has finally developed its own gravitational pull.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
Following an eventful snorkeling excursion, your long-time fascination with sharks will be replaced by your new-found fascination with prosthetic limbs.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
A feeling of deja-vu this week will signify that danger is imminent. A feeling of deja-vu this week will signify that danger is imminent.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
The stars are amused to report that, although no one on earth will notice, your Friday night “Bathroom Incident” will become the most viewed intergalactic Hu-Tube video of the week.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
You will face some delays while traveling this week, but things will get back on track once Doc channels that 1.21 jigowatt bolt of lightning into the DeLorean’s flux capacitor.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
Although wrapping his birthday present in duct tape seemed like a funny idea at the time, you will find that you grossly overestimated your father’s ability to safely use a pocket knife while eating ice cream cake.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
The stars once again advise that setting realistic goals will benefit you much more than setting fires. They feel they’ve been over this.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
Your new Iron Man belt buckle will prove to be not only extremely cumbersome, but downright dangerous when you attend next weekend’s Magnet Enthusiasts Convention.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
Capricorn: The universe is unavailable for comment as it is hosting an astronomically stellar homecoming party for its most loved and revered Capricorn ever, Ziggy Stardust (aka David Bowie). Horoscope auto-reply: Take your protein pills and put your helmet on.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
Based on a giant upcoming deposit in your bank account, it appears your lucky numbers this week are 666.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
A miscommunication from months ago will be clarified this week, finally explaining why you’ve been getting so little satisfaction out of keeping that Latitude Journal.

Past horoscopes

Horoscopes For The Week Of January 13, 2016

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Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
With holiday family gatherings safely behind you, the stars agree that you can stop swallowing your anger in big gulps now and just go back to your usual little sips.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
The power of Venus will be unprecedentedly strong in your love life this year. Unfortunately, the power of Serena will be far stronger and, frankly, a little scary.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
Your planetary energy suggests that the key to relaxation this week is to focus on the simple things in life. Like the gentle fizz of a whiskey and soda, or the way that Xanax pill feels in your hand.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
Try not to worry too much when you get a flat tire later this week. Instead, take a few deep breaths and start coming up with a plausible story about how your car ended up in your cubicle.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
With Mars eclipsing Mercury, you have a good chance of finding your mate at the laundromat this week, assuming you can survive the wild wet ride and ensuing tumble that await you. Oh, and also, you’re a sock.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
You will be forced to question the validity of your rescue Chihuahua’s paperwork when, after a full month, he still won’t say “Yo Quiero Taco Bell”.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
Your New Year’s resolution to lose 10 pounds will be surprisingly easy to accomplish when you pass what will come to be known as the world’s largest kidney stone ever.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
While all Scorpios have long memories for perceived wrongs, the stars feel it’s probably time to forgive Bobby Henderson for that 2nd grade dodgeball incident and set him free from your basement dungeon.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
As the moon opposes Saturn, you’ll want to steer clear of conflict this week, especially with loved ones. So yeah, it might be wise to cancel Scrabble night with Uncle “My-House-My-Spelling” Wesley.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
A seemingly benign news story about nitrate-free meat will prove to be the last straw for you as your brain finally exceeds its capacity to store nutritional data and just explodes.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
Your dream of living in a hip tiny house will soon become a reality, complete with decorative bars on the door, a clever stainless steel toilet, unique built-in bunk beds, and a roommate named “Killa”.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
It will be ironic when, after you win the lottery, you in fact don’t die the next day, but instead book a luxury suite at an Alanis Morissette concert. Unfortunately, they’ll serve a gimmicky plastic black fly in your chardonnay which you’ll accidentally swallow and choke to death on. Frickin irony.

Past horoscopes

Horoscopes For The Week Of December 1, 2015

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Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
As you begin your painting project this week, your excitement will be replaced by horror when you realize the name of your new living room paint color is Satan-Claims-This-Home Red.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
Instead of seeing the glass as half empty, try to see it for what it really is: your last chance to walk away from that 32 oz. growler before you add yet another entry to your long list of regrets.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
A large expenditure could completely change the trajectory of your life, so you’ll want to carefully consider the pros and cons of becoming a Level IV Operating Thetan before you write that check.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
You will prove to yourself this week that there is truly no end to the amount of time you can waste planning for the big lottery win that is never, ever going to happen. But hey, somebody has to win.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
An unexpected delivery could cause a problem in your relationship, but take heart: you successfully hid a pregnancy for 9 months, just imagine what else you’re capable of.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
Good news! The stars have concluded that there are finally enough stupid people in the world to make your “Dehydrated Water” business idea a profitable one.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
As the world turns, Hamilton and Alexis conspire to expose Winston’s sordid past in order to kidnap his love child with Hamilton’s sister Charmagne….oops the stars were watching the Soap Channel again. Those silly stars!

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
After surviving being struck by a Porsche 918 Spyder while crossing the street, you and your lawyer will have a good laugh over the phrase “success is no accident”.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
You will curse Orphan Annie after you bet your bottom dollar and the sun, in fact, does not come out tomorrow.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
A random phone call will lead you on a wild adventure. Just remember to get all the required vaccine shots before you go chasing down your life’s savings somewhere in southern Nigeria.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
Your best friend’s juice cleanse experience will inspire you to jump on the health bandwagon this week. Unfortunately, substituting gin-and-juice will result in you falling right off that wagon in a rather dramatic fashion.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
After years of feeling “different”, a chance encounter on the beach will help you understand that you’re really exactly the same as all the other wide-eyed, suffocating half-fish people.

Past horoscopes