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Vote YES On Ballot Measure 11: Make FMO The Official Website Of North Dakota

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Where the urinal?

Where’s the urinal?

Bismarck, ND – If you care about the future of North Dakota, like we do, then make sure to vote YES on Measure #11!

This important ballot measure would make the FM Observer the official website of the state of North Dakota forever.

It would also take 1% of the oil extraction revenue and give it to the FM Observer to “do with as it wishes”.

Many have praised the FM Observer for its recent cutting-edge coverage of the Ebola Pandemic as well as the latest on the Downtown Fargo Vomit issue.

If you want good things to happen that will positively affect you and your family, vote YES on Measure 11.

If you don’t want your family to be living out of a box behind Walmart, vote YES on Measure 11.

If you want to show your appreciation to the FM Observer, as do most sane people living in North Dakota, vote YES on Measure 11.

Measure 11 is as important as Measure 5 and Measure 6 combined.

If you cannot find Measure 11 on your voting ballot, immediately cry foul and call for a complete investigation of that voting precinct, with a serious threat of a lawsuit.

Vote for Measure 11 to get whatever you want, for free, and delivered to your front door, no questions asked.

FMO Launching FMO-TV From New FMO Corporate Headquarters

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Say hello to the brand new FMO Corporate Headquarters! The new home of FMO-TV.

West Fargo, ND – After weeks of around-the-clock construction, the new FM Observer corporate headquarters is finally done.

This will not only be the main offices of your favorite FMObserver.com but will also be the exciting new home of FMO Television. FMO-TV will soon be coming into your home and will focus on all things Fargo-Moorhead. Think of it as being the TV version of FMObserver.com.

FMO-TV is now seeking talent and content from anyone interested in possibly being involved in having their own local talk show, be apart of our own reality TV series, or perhaps host your very own cooking or how-to program. Please send in emails and videos so that we can include you for consideration to get in on the ground floor of something big. Donald Trump said: “This is going to be HUGE!”

Free guided tours will be offered for only a $10 handling fee.

Eat in our Blue Plate Cafeteria which will be open for public consumption. All pay-per-item selections will be made from scratch using only the best organic ingredients.

The top floor Brainstormer Bar will have various serve-yourself adult-beverage drink fountains such as Mike’s Lemonade and will feature live local music nightly from 9PM – 3AM.

Work out in the FMO Fitness Centre & Spa which also houses a small food court that includes a Mini-McDonald’s restaurant and a Krispy Kreme Donut Shoppe.

Thank you for helping FM Observer become the official website of the Fargo-Moorhead area. Please consider becoming part of our family and hosting or producing your own television show. If you’re doing something you love, you’ll never have to work a day in your life.

FM Observer Announces Summer Camp 4 New Observers

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You will love spending time with Mother Nature and her mosquitos will love you.

The FM Observer is excited 2 announce FMO Summer Camp. If you like 2 have a good time and are considering satirical writing as your chosen profession, then this camp is totally 4 you. This year’s exciting theme is: Imagine The Possibilities!

Each camp outing is a full 1-day experience which is cleverly sandwiched between 2 nights of sleeping in a tent. Here is the likely schedule 4 your full day of training…

DAY BREAKER (at Sun Rise)
Meet & Greet/Coffee & Name Tags: This is a chance 2 suck down some hot java, shake off the cobwebs, make some good first impressions, and try 2 find your phone. Each camper makes their own nametag by using a wood burner on a thin slice of authentic birchwood, which is then held around your neck with a real leather cord!

EARLY MORNING SESSIONS (All sessions are taught by various FMO Staff Members, sometimes decided by a last-minute coin flip, or by process of elimination.)
1. How 2 Observe: The basix 4 success in this biz.
2. Beginning Satire Training: What is and is not Satire?
3. Advanced Satirical Engineering: Some real exciting stuff!

LATE MORNING SESSIONS
4. How 2 Show Confidence: Attitude is everything.
5. Knowing Your Audience: Relationship building 4 life.
6. Expect The Unexpected: Always be prepared 4 anything.

LUNCH BREAK-OUT SESSION
7. Dealing With Twitter Trolls: Criticizing your critics.

EARLY AFTERNOON SESSIONS
8. Know The Difference Between Your/You’re
9. Know The Difference Between There/Their/They’re

LATE AFTERNOON SESSIONS
10. How 2 Be A Gladiator: Become a real fighter.
11. Focusing On Viral Content: Always think big.

EVENING GETOGETHER
12. AfterGlow: Caring & Sharing/Issues & Tissues
After an in-tents day of training, campers are encouraged 2 share their feelings about what they have been exposed 2 and how they are internally processing it all. Also, if you have ever been convicted of a felony, this would be a good time 2 discuss it.

LATE NIGHT BREAK-OUT SESSIONS
13. Understanding FMO By-Laws & Their Nuances: Some important stuff 2 know.
14. How 2 Know When A Bonfire Is Out-of-Control: This is a great reality check.

Disclaimer: By attending FMO Summer Camp, this in no way guarantees that you will become an official FM Observer. Only the best & brightest are then possibly selected 2 undergo an intense battery of tests 2 determine if they can go on 2 the next level of selectability. No bullying by campers will be tolerated unless it is during a bullying role-play exercise that is held as a part of a legitimate supervised training session. Also, each camper will need 2 bring with them their own food, beverages, tent, and camping supplies. They will also need 2 bring $500 cash in a sealed envelope 2 pay 4 the training sessions. No guns of any kind will be allowed on the premises. However, if FMO Summer Camp is attacked by bears, coyotes, or wolves, anyone with some other type of weapon that proves 2 be effective against the wild predators will score some major points with the FMO Staff.

These Are The Wasps That Killed The FM Observer

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Bee on the lookout for these dangerous wasps, because they're the ones that killed us.

Bee on the lookout for these dangerous wasps, because they’re the ones that killed us.

West Fargo, ND – As you know, your beloved FM Observer was allegedly attacked by a gang of wasps. Not only did they attack us, but they stung us many, many times, and then they killed us.

We did not want this to happen. Nor did we provoke the wasps in any way, except maybe to smash their stupid hive with a wooden baseball bat.

Bee that as it may, we did not deserve to die, and especially just when things were starting to really take off. But please do continue to check in with the FM Observer, your favorite source of the best fake news in the region.

After all, the phoenix did rise from the ashes to become the mascot for the Phoenix Suns basketball team, didn’t she? Tiger Woods did return to golf after he totally disgraced both himself and the entire sport of golf.

And after a rocky beginning, Obamacare did successfully cause millions of people to lose the insurance plans and doctors they loved, and then, under threat of penalty, force them to purchase nationalized health insurance.

So, after the stroke of midnight tonight, hope for the best (for us), but plan to expect some government robo-writers to have taken our place in the morning.

FMO Welcomes Its First Robot Writer To The Team

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Glen-1000 is working all day (and all night) for you.

Fargo, ND – The FM Observer is proud to announce that it’s added its first robot writer to our growing staff.

Humanoids still play an important role in the creation of well-written cutting-edge news stories, but robot writers are quickly proving their value in today’s fast-paced world.

While the rest of our team is fast asleep, FMO’s new robot writer, whose name is Glen-1000, never needs to take a break, except for maybe an occasional drop of oil to an elbow or wrist.

While everyone else is perhaps complaining about not getting paid or venting about Obamacare, Glen-1000 types away with total focus on the task at hand.

If you have any story ideas for Glen-1000, he is looking for lots of work to keep him busy.

When asked what Glen-1000 thinks about all this, here was his response:

<begin> Happy to be on the ship with FM Observer dot com <break> Fargo Moorhead seems like an adequate place to exist <break> Hopefully my advanced programming brings pleasure when you read my words <break> Glen-1000 is ready to multi-task for you so contact me day or night <break> If your brain produces an idea for a story, Glen-1000 will research, write, and post all pertinent information in a timely fashion <break> I am Glen-1000, the most advanced RoboWriter in the world….until Glen-2000 comes along <terminate>

Rust Bucket Becomes FMO’s New Corporate Vehicle

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The FM Observer unveils its new armored vehicle.

Fargo, ND – Since the FM Observer recently went public with its IPO, we made another important executive decision: to purchase our official corporate vehicle.

Consider this post as the unveiling of our new FM Observer-mobile. It may look like a RustBucket to some, but believe us when we say it is a veritable fortress on wheels. We call it “The Tank”.

But don’t think we bought it for our own pleasure and aggrandizement. We bought it for YOU! So that we can better serve YOU, our faithful readers.

Yes, The Tank will certainly help us get from Point A to Point B, but Point B might just be your front door. Now, if there’s a hot story in your neck of the woods that you want us to cover, just give us a call and watch for The Tank to show up.

Now, if we’re under fire from certain questionable articles we’ve written, look for us to be hiding out In The Tank. And we’re not just doing it for our own personal protection. No, we’re doing it for YOU, so that we can survive, to live another day, in order to bring YOU more important articles about the issues that YOU believe in.

(But if as a bonus, The Tank turns out to be a majorly fun Party Barge, that would obviously be some sweet icing on the cake, and we would not have a problem with that.)

FM Observer Goes Corporate With Initial Public Offering

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Buy FMO low, sell high. Then move to Hawaii.

Fargo, ND – The FM Observer is taking its paper to Wall Street. FM Observer (FMO) stock is slated to open at $3.141559265359/share next week. Here’s a Q&A the FM Observer did with Nick Hirchert about the upcoming IPO and how he plans to use it to get us all rich as hell.

FMO: Nick, can I call you Nick?
Nick: No, you may not.

FMO: Nick, is it true that FMO is going public?
Nick:  It is! We are taking the Observer to Wall street with our Initial Public Offering.

FMO: How exciting is this for you?
Nick:  On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the most excited? We want to be rich like Doc Brown from Back to the Future so we can travel into the future & do a bunch of articles about stuff that hasn’t yet happened. Then we can retire forever.

FMO: Do you plan on donating all your profits to charity?
Nick:  We will assign one charity per future-article. Each article that gets future-posted will hopefully generate enough stock dividends to fulfill the financial needs of its respective charity until the end of time.

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FMO: Will you have a board of directors?
Nick:  Yes. I have appointed a board of directors.

FMO: Are any women or minorities possibly going to be on the board? Any midgets?
Nick:  The FMO Board of Directors is comprised of memes. Fictitious characters. Among them are: Douchebag Lumbergh, What if I Told You Morpheus and Conspiracy Keanu.

FMO: Where will your corporate headquarters be located?
Nick:  Corporate Headquarters is located in West Fargo, just off of I-94 near Sheyenne Street.

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FMO: How rich do you see yourself becoming?
Nick:  Wealthy enough to fly a Delorean into the year 2050 to compose 10,000 articles while aging in reverse as time counts backwards to 2014. You see, when you travel through time, you age substantially, directly proportional to the amount of years through which you travel. Ergo, concurrently, from the minute you arrive into your future year, you immediately begin de-aging as time simultaneously regresses into your initial host year. Vis-a-vis, concurrently, returning back from whence you came with the same eyeballs and hairline, but unfortunately, a completely different space time continuum.

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FMO: With all due respect, do you believe there’s enough pent-up demand for FMO stock to affect the earnings per share ratio?
Nick:  America is full of pent-up demand. Have you seen the comments sections of various other websites? Absolutely riddled with pent-up demand.

FMO: For stocks in general, do you agree that a double bottom’s pivot is usually the same price at the middle peak?
Nick:  Yes. If you turn on your pivot foot down low for a jump shot, release the ball at your jump’s peak.

FMO: No need to get snippy. Are you dog friendly?
Nick:  Quite.

FMO: Quite yes, or quite no?
Nick:  I happen to live with movie star Daniel Day-Lewis. He is currently in full character as a method actor for his next movie in which he plays a dog.

FMO: C’mon. Don’t bullshit me. Would you describe yourself as half empty or half full?
Nick:  My body is 75% water, 5% bonehead and 20% baloney.

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FMO: Where do you see yourself in 100 years?
Nick:  As time travel proliferates and the proportions of aging and de-aging become limitless, I truly have no earthly idea.

FMO: Thank you for granting us this frank interview. Any final thoughts that you’d like to share with us?
Nick:  Yes. In the year 2193, there is a great disruption in the 17th Matrix. One of you brings a fully-cooked Hot Pocket through an equilateral time vortex, causing an irreparable tear in the Matrix and a critical disruption in the space time continuum. So please, stop buying Hot Pockets for Pete’s sake.

FM Observer Wins Best Website Award

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FM Observer Wins Award

FM Observer Wins Award

Fargo, ND – The FM Observer is proud to announce that it has been selected to receive the prestigious Best Website Award. This amazing award came with a short note from the selection committee: “For continuously raising the bar for other websites to meet, we bestow this top award to the FM Observer. May you continue to thrive and lead by example for generations to come. Congratulations on a job well done!”

Obviously, this award came as a shock to us. On the Richter scale, this would be right up there with O.J. selling his Heisman trophy. “We’ve won some other minor awards before but never anything like this!” said a random staff member who was jumping for joy on his desk. “It’s amazing to see so many people all laughing and crying at the same time” said another.

A top team manager put it this way as she popped open a cheap bottle of champagne: “With a staff of over a hundred associates, it just goes to show what can be accomplished with a little hocus focus and a lot of elbow grease. We would mostly like to thank our readers and fans for their loyalty and also our parents for all of their unsolicited feedback.”

Our President and CEO, who wishes to remain anonymous for tax reasons, believes that since this award is the result of everyone’s contributions, from the managers and team leaders down to the translators and proof-readers, this award will be shared equally by all. Just like the Stanley Cup, the trophy will travel from home to home of everyone who helped make this possible. After it makes the rounds, it will finally come to rest in a special trophy case in the lobby area of our main corporate campus headquarters office building, right next to the coffee fountain.