Tag Archives: red river

Funny Looking Man Finds Bar Of Gold In Red River

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Discovery could lead to Gold Frenzy.

Discovery could lead to Gold Frenzy.

Fargo, ND – A funny looking man named Sid Bingsted found a large bar of gold on the banks of the Red River near Fargo, ND.

Mister Bingsted believes that it could be worth a lot of money based upon its girth-size.

He reflected, “Yah, I tell ya what, I found it just sittin’ down there by the river, don’t-cha-know? We was both sittin’ down there half-covered in mud!”

Buzz Redling has been investigating this golden story. Buzz says authorities secretly fear a mass influx of people from Williston coming down to the Fargo-Moorhead area if this story ever gets out.

Buzz confides: “My wife thinks this bar of gold deal could really cause a serious Gold Frenzy, not unlike the one back in ’88. And I tend to agree with my wife on this one.”

Police don’t know what to think of it. Where did the gold bar come from? How could they ever figure out who it belonged to? What to do next?

In the meantime, lucky Mister Bingsted is trying to decide what to do with his solid gold bar.

Friends are telling him to cash it in and buy a nice new bike.

But Sid has other ideas: “Yah, I might just go and hide it in the mud down by the river like I did last time, while I maybe go and look for another one!”

Red River Fargo Sex Doll Rescue

Red River Plays Sick Joke. Drowning Inflatable Doll Sparks 20 Man Police Rescue.

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Red River Fargo Sex Doll RescueFargo, ND – The Red River is back in the news again.  Not too long ago we reported the Red River being a dickhead and getting on the residents bad side. In a following story, the Red River and it’s residents made up and were adorably able to live with each other peacefully again. Well, the Red River has become bored because it’s back to fucking with its residents again.

The Red River of the Fargo-Moorhead area is back to its old self. This time playing a sick joke on its local residents and police.

20 Police officers were called on scene in Fargo, ND this Tuesday morning after a concerned witness said a lady was in distress in the Red River.

According to a local witness, this dramatic scene attracted over 50 spectators which were blocking and hindering police rescue attempts.

After 20 min of complete chaos, police were absolutely horrified. It turns out that they had not rescued a drowning female but in fact rescued an inflatable sex doll from the river.

A shocked crowd quickly dispersed upon seeing the  disgusting inflatable sex doll. Spectators were even seen covering the eyes of their children as to not witness the deflated and deformed sex doll’s breasts.

Following the rescue, police officers said they were forced to act on the rescue as the sex doll had a similar size and appearance of a real human female.

In an attempt to get back at the River, The Fargo Police were last seen trying to get a semen sample from the sex doll victim to see if the Red River had raped it.

I can only wait with anticipation what trick the Red River will pull on its residents next.

Red River of Fargo Moorhead

Red River Now Considered “Less Dickish”

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Red River of Fargo MoorheadWest Fargo, ND – In a weird turn of events, locals have started praising the Red River and now consider it “Less Dickish.”  Last month we reported people to be calling the Red River a dick head and even tried killing it with bad words and physical violence.

A criminal over the weekend jumped into the red river in order to evade police after robbing a man.  The river, not wanting people to throw shit into it again, consumed the criminal and drowned the man hoping to gain the locals respect again.  Since the river has been a baby it has been removing criminals and stupid people from the gene pool for decades.  It has never asked a favor or asked for respect from the people.  However, after the residents of Fargo-Moorhead found out the Red River was apprehending criminals for them, they now consider it “Less Dickish” and respect the magestic river once again.

“I knew that by kicking the river with my deadly karate kicks that it would teach it a lesson to be nice” a local who was seen last month trying to kill the river said.

With the Red River on the locals good side again, they can get back to living with each other peacfully.  So cute.

Red River Flood Fargo

Red River of Fargo Accused of Being a Complete Dickhead Again.

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Fargo, ND – Just when we thought the Red River of Fargo had grown up and become a more mature adult, we realize we were dead wrong.  Thanks to the recent rain, the Red River is back to being a complete dickhead again.  The National Weather Service reported that by Thursday, the river will rise to minor flood stages and is expected to reach 19 feet by Friday or Saturday morning.

Local residents have started gathering at the shoreline of the river.  It’s being reported that they are calling the river bad names, throwing objects into the river as if to try and hurt it, and others actually jumping into the river and thrashing about as if to try and kill the beast from the inside.

I can only imagine that this would enrage the Red River and mold it into an even bigger dickhead.  The cities of Fargo and Moorhead better get that diversion figured out pretty quick.  The wrath of the dickheaded Red River could come back even bigger then ever before.  Also, someone tell those residents to stop throwing shit into the river.  Good grief.  Rivers can’t feel pain.

Man falls off bridge into the Red River in Fargo-Moorhead

Man apparently falls off a railroad bridge in North Fargo.

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Fargo, ND – Authorities Sunday night pulled a man out of the Red River.  The man was believed to be walking on the railroad tracks that are located between Fargo and Moorhead when he allegedly fell in the river.  Witnesses were on scene but are telling different stories.  One witness stated he saw the man clumsily stumble, fall off, and do a vicious belly flop into the river followed by an, “Ow Ow Ow”.  Other witnesses stated they saw the man approach the end of the bridge, bend his knees as if to test the flexibility of the bridge, raise his hands in the air, and jump off.  While in the air, this flying Fargo man was seen doing somersault type maneuvers which then turned into what looked like a flying swan.  This story was confirmed by at least 3 witnesses.

After police pulled the man out of the river we learned the man was actually an Olympic diver training for the London 2012 Games.  Since it is winter most of the year in Fargo-Moorhead, this high dive flying swan said there is no better way to train then diving off a bridge in the middle of the night while dodging ice and frozen water while landing.  Tragically, no alcohol was involved.