Tag Archives: rescue

Fargo Man Rescued From Toilet

Fargo, ND – You heard it here first folks.  A local Fargo resident was rescued from his toilet late last night.

Late last night at around 10 p.m, the Fargo police department received a call about a missing person.  Brent had stated that he had not seen his neighbor in over three days and was very concerned.  This prompted police to visit the neighbor’s home.

After arriving, police knocked on the door multiple times but with no response. One officer was walking to the back of the home when he thought he heard someone from inside say “please.”

With that knowledge, police rammed down the front door.  Upon immediately entering, the officers heard a man say calmy, “For the love of hippopotamus dicks….can you pleeeeease get me some toilet paper?”

Officers were stunned.  It seems the neighbor, named Jim, had been trapped on the toilet seat for three entire days because he ran out of toilet paper and refused to get up.

When asked why he didn’t just get up and get something to wipe, he simply stated, “Ew.”

Today, Jim is happy. He’s thankful to the officers for saving his life.

“If it wasn’t for those kind and sweet officers, I’d probably be dead.  Be dead or still sitting on that toilet seat.” – Jim

North Dakota Farmer Takes Wrong Turn, Never Heard From Again

Shitsville, ND

anywhere, ND

Lisbon, ND – A Lisbon-area wheat farmer has been reported missing. This vast expanse of frozen nothingness has swallowed up yet another victim, it seems, most likely from a missed turn on a gravel road.

Wendell Pierce was reportedly driving back to his farmstead last night after making a trip to Lisbon to pick up a few things. It is believed that during a drive-time fight with a fruit fly in his pickup, Wendell completely spaced turning into his gravel driveway on a remote country road in Southeastern ND and simply kept on going.

Mr. Pierce is now missing. He could be anywhere in the state as he does not own a GPS or a smartphone and the state is mainly comprised of nothing but miles and miles of white tundra bisected by uncharted and poorly-maintained gravel roads.

A statewide search has NOT yet been initiated due to the fact that local search and rescue is too scared to venture out into “The Abyss”. The Observer is asking that you pray like hell he finds his own way back because nobody is crazy enough to go out looking for him.