Wal Mart Helping Shoppers Gear Up for Black Friday

November 14th, 2012 | by Nick

Bentonville, AR – The visionary brain trust contained at Wal Mart headquarters in Bentonville, AR is setting the stage for Black Friday by implementing protective measures for their late night/early morning shoppers. Headquarters is requiring that each Wal Mart greeter be equipped with combat gear to distribute to each customer who passes through the waiting line on Black Friday.

Wal Mart is also reported to be hiring armed guards to act as aisle fight referees. These “aisle knights” will post up at the corner of every department calling off the hounds, scraping mutilated corpses off the tile and rewarding the most ferocious victor his or her merchandise trophy.

 

A shield, helmet and lance will be made readily available for every gladiator brave enough to venture through Hell’s portal. Warriors from all across the region are set to gather eagerly at the gates of your friendly neighborhood Wal Mart to put their fighting skills to the test.

When the smoke clears and the dust settles, there can only be one victor! This November 23rd is sure to be a battle of epic proportions! Who among you possesses the strength and fortitude it requires to decimate your way to glory? Who will hoist the coveted 30% off LED TV? Anxiousness looms in the heart of the warrior during the coming week. Dost thee rugged soccer mom have what it takes to rise above?


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Nick

Co-Founder at FM Observer
Interstrapolating condectistic devariance via opentasmic protensive mindopathy.