Tag Archives: black friday

Hatchimal Hoarders Selling This Year’s Hot Items Out Of Their Basement

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These two brothers bought up all the Hatchimals in the Fargo-Moorhead area prior to Black Friday Matters.

These two brothers bought up all the Hatchimals in the greater Fargo-Moorhead area prior to Black Friday Matters.

Fargo, ND – The Good News is: There is no shortage of Hatchimals in the FM Observer area.

The Bad News is: If you want this year’s hottest Christmas item, you will have to pay a pretty penny to the two brothers who bought up all the Hatchimals that came into the Red River Valley.

Brothers Mario and Dario Jurkovich had the foresight to quickly buy up all the Hatchimals from all the stores in the Fargo-Moorhead area.

The Jurkovich brothers estimate that they have 3,500 Hatchimals currently in their basement.

This pair of Hatchimal Hoarders are now selling individual Hatchimals to desperate parents and grandparents for $500 each. :o)

However, their Black Friday Matters special is two Hatchimals for only $999!

To avoid long lines of people at their front door, wishful buyers must first call them and then follow a series of clues that will lead customers to a secret kiosk where Mario and Dario are selling their super supply of Hatchimals.

So, Happy Hanukkah Holiday Hatchimal Hoarder Hunting!

Three Shoppers Killed During Cyber Monday Rush

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Associated Press – The volatile shopping atmosphere of Thanksgiving weekend has taken its toll on those who risked life and limb to participate. Black Friday saw thousands of furiously aggressive maniacs take to the aisles for a deal on a Blu-Ray® player or a smartphone. Small Business Saturday invited those not crazy enough to wage war on Friday to a more generous, supportive shopping environment. Lazy Sunday served as an outlet for those of us too scared to get into a hair-pulling, tit-twisting Black Friday Sale catfight with a soccer mom, but also too lazy to try.

This left us with Cyber Monday. That magical day of the year in which you can rest comfortably on your ass while searching for reasonably-priced online deals. Sounds pretty safe, right? Wrong. Most of us do not realize how much more dangerous Cyber Monday is compared to the other three. Statistics show there are more Cyber Monday-related deaths than Black Friday, Small Business Saturday and Lazy Sunday COMBINED. This year is no different. Three shoppers lost their lives on Cyber Monday compared to only one consumer casualty during the previous 3 days:

  • Cindy Phillips sat playing Bejeweled for 4 straight hours on the morning of the 26th waiting for deals. She suffered an epileptic seizure from all the blinking lights, passsed out and hit her head on the computer desk. Died on impact.
  • Bob Randleman woke up late on Cyber Monday and had to make a mad dash to the computer room. He slipped on a Matchbox car and hit his head on the hardwood floor. Died on impact.
  • Judith McGee pointed, clicked and PayPal’d her way to victory, earning herself a very sought-after bedroom set. Upon winning said item, she jumped up out of pure ecstacy, fell backwards over her chair and hit her head on a step stool. Died on impact.

It’s tragedies like these that make shopping on Thanksgiving weekend a perilous venture. We wish the victims’ families our condolences during this very bizarre holiday season.


Wal Mart Helping Shoppers Gear Up for Black Friday

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Bentonville, AR – The visionary brain trust contained at Wal Mart headquarters in Bentonville, AR is setting the stage for Black Friday by implementing protective measures for their late night/early morning shoppers. Headquarters is requiring that each Wal Mart greeter be equipped with combat gear to distribute to each customer who passes through the waiting line on Black Friday.

Wal Mart is also reported to be hiring armed guards to act as aisle fight referees. These “aisle knights” will post up at the corner of every department calling off the hounds, scraping mutilated corpses off the tile and rewarding the most ferocious victor his or her merchandise trophy.

 

A shield, helmet and lance will be made readily available for every gladiator brave enough to venture through Hell’s portal. Warriors from all across the region are set to gather eagerly at the gates of your friendly neighborhood Wal Mart to put their fighting skills to the test.

When the smoke clears and the dust settles, there can only be one victor! This November 23rd is sure to be a battle of epic proportions! Who among you possesses the strength and fortitude it requires to decimate your way to glory? Who will hoist the coveted 30% off LED TV? Anxiousness looms in the heart of the warrior during the coming week. Dost thee rugged soccer mom have what it takes to rise above?